I hear Zayne approach behind me and I turn to see him sitting two plates holding sandwiches and fresh fruit on the table. He smiles at me and then disappears again, reappearing seconds later with two glasses of iced tea.
“I must say, I'm impressed.” I say, taking a seat in the chair that he slides out for me.
“I am nothing if not a gracious host.” He says, taking the seat next to me. We make small talk about nothing of any real significance. The weather, Emma's audition and he makes it a point to find out as much about Carver as he can.
While I doubt he would ever admit it, I can't help but get the feeling that something about Carver really bothers him. I would describe it as jealously but I'm not a hundred percent convinced that he cares enough about me to actually be jealous.
He drives me home just after seven, pulling over about a block from my apartment building. I know right away what he's doing and I can't help but laugh at his over cautiousness.
“What?” He asks, putting his black Cadillac CTS sports car into park before turning to face me.
“Are you really that worried that someone will see us together. I mean, we could be friends you know. That wouldn't be a completely ridiculous idea would it?” I ask, shifting in my seat to face him.
“I don't ever think we could pass as just friends Grace.” He says, reaching out to trail his fingertips lightly across my collarbone through his old t-shirt that I had no choice but to wear home, given that my shirt somehow seems to have disappeared.
“Why's that?” I ask, my voice catching in my throat as his hand trails further down, his thumb flicking across my nipple.
“I don't think I could keep my hands off of you long enough.” He says, leaning forward, his hand falling to my inner thigh.
“I think you could manage.” I croak out, feeling hot and flustered by the closeness of our bodies in the tiny space of the car.
“I don't.” He says, closing the gap between us. His lips brush against mine so gently that I don't even know if you could classify it as a kiss. “Now go home before I lose the ability to let you leave.” He breathes against my mouth.
I can't find the words to respond so I simply push back against my door, my hand fumbling with the door handle before finally getting it open. I slip out of the passenger seat and glance back at him. He's still leaning across the center console, his eyes dark and hungry and it takes everything I have to shut the door between us.
I quickly make my way to the sidewalk. Deciding looking back at him again would be a horrible idea, I keep my eyes forward and reach the front steps of my apartment building within two minutes. When I finally push my way through the front door, Emma rushes towards me, anger wild on her beautiful face.
“Where the hell have you been?” She lashes out at me, not even giving me a chance to get all the way into the apartment. “I have been trying to call you for hours!” She exclaims, stepping back to give me enough room to close the door.
“I'm sorry, I lost my phone.” I say, tossing my keys onto the kitchen counter. “I went out with Becca and Jake last night after work and ended up crashing on their couch. I should have called.”
“Ya think? Carv, she's here.” She yells down the hallway. I hear Carver's bedroom door open and he appears in the living room moments later.
“Thank god. Where the hell were you? You had Emma blowing me up at work hoping I had talked to you.” He says, crossing his arms in front of him.
“Again, lost my phone. Stayed with a couple co-workers. Sorry Mom and Dad, won't happen again.” I hold up my hands in surrender.
“Now darling, you know your mother and I just worry about you is all. We just want you to be safe.” He says, a wide smile breaking across his handsome face. Carver has to be the most likeable person I have ever met in my life. His ability to make fun of an otherwise serious situation has always been one of my favorite things about him.
“I know. I love you guys too.” I say, wrapping my arm around Emma's shoulder and pulling her into my side. “Sorry Em. Won't happen again.” I say. “I'm hoping I left my cell at the bar. Next time, I'll make sure I text you if I'm not coming home.”
“You better.” She pouts, smacking my arm away. “I have been dying to talk to you all day and now, well now my big news doesn't seem that exciting. You stole my thunder.” She says, stomping towards the couch.
“Big news?” I question excitedly, quickly joining her on the lumpy old couch. “You got cast!?” It's more of a question then a statement and Emma's face immediately lights up.
“I got cast!” She says with a squeal, bouncing up and down in her seat. “It's not a major part, not yet anyways. I am the understudy for the part of Elphaba.”
“But that's the lead role. Em, you will be the understudy for the lead role in one of the hottest musicals out right now! Do you realize how amazing that is?” I pull her into a tight hug. “I am so proud of you.” I say, releasing her. “You're doing it Em. You're actually doing it.”
“I know! New York theater, can you believe it? I never dreamed I would get cast on my first audition.” She sighs, sinking back into the couch.
“I knew you would. Em, you are the most talented person I have ever seen. There's no way you're not gonna end up in the spotlight.”
“Thanks Grace. What about you? Any news from the agencies?” I told Emma and Carver about my interest in becoming published but I have yet to tell anyone what the novel is about. I'd rather wait and let them read it. Talking about it is... well it's too hard and honestly I don't want to rehash the past, especially with Emma who was there to see me fall apart first hand.
After congratulating Emma for the next twenty minutes and then making plans with her and Carver to go out sometime next week to celebrate based on Emma's schedule, I finally head to my room to relax for a little while before I have to head to work.
I collapse on my bed, hoping to be able to close my eyes for a few minutes before hitting the shower but my plans are foiled when a light knock sounds on my door. “Yeah.” I call, not bothering to get up.
The door creaks open and then Carver steps inside, a small shipping box in his hand. “Hey. This came for you earlier today.” He says, sitting it on my bedside table.
“Oh okay. Probably my mom.” I say on a shrug. “She's always sending me random things from home.”
Carver walks over and flops down on his stomach next to me, the bed sinking under his athletic frame. “You okay?” I turn my head to the side to look at him.
“I am. Just tired.” He says on a sigh, closing his eyes.
“Me too.” I groan out, wanting nothing more than to lay here with Carver and take a power nap but realizing very quickly that time is getting away from me. “I gotta get ready for work.” I say, pushing myself into a sitting position. Carver lets out a light grunt but doesn't open his eyes.
I pat my goofy best friend on the head and then push myself to my feet, making my way down the hall to the shower.
When I re-enter my room thirty minutes later, Carver is fast asleep on my bed, a light snore filling the otherwise quiet space. I can't help but laugh at his tall frame draped sideways across the bed, his long legs hanging off the side.
I quickly dress under my robe before hanging Zayne's shirt in the corner of my closet. I know it's silly but I like the idea of being able to pull it out and smell it whenever I want to. His scent is the most intoxicating smell in the world and in a weird way, it comforts me.
After spending another thirty minutes in the bathroom doing my hair and makeup, I head out into the living room to slip on my converse and say goodbye to Em, who is lounging on the couch watching Snapped, a show about people who literally snap and start killing other people. It's a crazy show and one that I don't care for. I hate anything that has to do with death and as such, I avoid shows like this at all costs.
Realizing I never opened the package that came for me, I head back down the hall and grab the box from my nightstand, careful not to wake Carver in the pr
ocess. Poor guy. His uncle has him working close to sixty hours a week and it's clear that he is exhausted.
I sit the box on top of the kitchen counter and then grab a knife to slice through the packing tape before pulling the box open. A note is perched on top and I recognize the handwriting immediately.
It's from Ian.
Gracie,
I hope you are having a blast in New York and not missing me too much. I sure miss you. And Emma too. How is Emma by the way?
I let out a laugh at his ridiculousness before continuing.
Anyways, Mom would kill me if she knew I sent this to you so you have to promise not to tell her. She thinks it's too hard for you with it being nearly the five year mark and all but I think she doesn't give you enough credit.
Kyle's mom came by the house the other day. Apparently they are just now cleaning out his old bedroom and she found something that Kyle bought for you. She said he was going to give it to you before he left for college and she thought you might like to have it now.
I hope you don't mind that I sent it to you. I feel like it should be your choice if you want it or not.
Hope everything is good with you.
Love you lots little sis!
-Ian
My hands are shaking by the time I reach inside the box. I have no idea what it could be which makes me that much more anxious to find out. I pull out some packing materials and throw them on the counter before I catch sight of a small, white jewelry box sitting on the bottom. Tears instantly prick the back of my eyes as I pull it out and slowly pull it open.
Inside is a beautiful silver chain with a compass charm. I gently pull the chain from the box and lay it in my hand, no longer able to contain the tears now flowing down my cheeks.
I run my fingers across the compass, knowing exactly the reason he bought it for me. I was so worried about him leaving for college, about us being apart. Though I tried to put on a brave face for him, he knew it was something I was struggling with. The time, the distance between us.
Flipping the charm over, I immediately catch sight of an engraved message. I lift it closer to my face and blink away the tears clouding my vision. In a perfect cursive inscription around the outer edge the message reads:
No matter the journey or the destination, my heart will always be with you
GM&KP Forever
Chapter Nineteen
Over a week has passed since I received the necklace that Kyle bought for me. While it is a painful reminder of what I lost, it's also a reminder of what I had. Of the boy I loved and the life we shared together, no matter how short.
I found my phone that same night at Vitos and while Zayne tried to call for a couple of days, I couldn't bring myself to answer it. As much as I want to see him, suddenly everything about our relationship, for lack of a better word, seems like a betrayal not only to Alec, but in a weird way to Kyle as well.
Now as I sit on my bed staring out of my window at the night sky, or what little I can see of it, I can't help but feel like everything is coming back ten fold. The pain has burrowed it's way deep inside my chest making it difficult to do something as natural as breathe.
I know there is only one place I want to go but I also know that it is the one place I need to avoid. I can't turn to Zayne. Not only do we not know each other well enough but I'm sure the last thing he wants is some hysterical woman showing up at his doorstep in the middle of the night.
Five years. Since it's after midnight, it has officially been five years that Kyle has been gone. Five years of walking through life with nothing but emptiness and guilt. Five years of wishing everyday that he was still here with me. And over the course of those five years I have started to forget and that scares me more than anything.
I forget the way he smelled. The way he laughed. I forget how it felt when he would hold my hand. I think that's the worst part about time. The more time that passes, the more the memories fade. But I don't want the memories to fade. I don't want to let him go. I don't want him to be just another dead person that no one will remember in fifty years. He deserves more than that. He deserves to be remembered.
I was seventeen when it happened and while back then, I swore we would be together forever, the truth of the matter is, I have no idea where we would be today if he was alive. Maybe we would still be together, maybe we wouldn't. It's the not knowing that bothers me the most. I wanted to be able to make that choice when the time came, not have it ripped away from me.
Deciding I can't just sit here any longer, I pull on a pair of jeans and a black tank before grabbing my keys off of my dresser. I have no idea if Zayne is awake or even at home for that matter but I don't care. If I sit in this apartment any longer, I'm going to drive myself insane and I have come too far to let this consume me. I have made so much progress over the last few weeks and I have to find a way to push through this. Zayne will be just the distraction I need.
Leaving a quick note on the counter for Emma telling her I went to Becca's, I quickly exit the apartment and head towards my car. I don't know the exact way to his apartment but I know it's in the Hierser building and that much I can figure out via GPS.
I roll my window down and turn on the radio before pulling out onto the quiet street. “Imperfect” by Stone Sour blares through the speakers of my car and I try my best to focus on the music and the breeze blowing through my hair.
I reach up and twirl the compass now hanging around my neck. I put it on the night I received it and have not taken it off since. Truth is, I may never take it off. Kyle bought it for me, one of the last things he probably did before he died. I feel like it deserves to see the world. Like wearing it somehow gives me a piece of Kyle to carry around with me.
I arrive at Zayne's within ten minutes, thankful that night traffic in New York is nothing like day traffic. The kind where you sit in a long line of cars for hours on end wondering why the hell no one is moving.
Luckily I made a point to look at Zayne's apartment number as we were leaving the last time I was here so I know exactly where to go once inside. But once I get there I can't bring myself to knock on the door. For one, I haven't spoken to him in a little over a week. Two, I have been crying for the last two hours and my swollen eyes and flushed cheeks are not the most attractive thing in the world. And three, the last thing he probably wants right now is for his best friends over emotional little sister, that he happens to have screwed a couple of times, showing up at his house in the middle of the night having an emotional breakdown.
I end up sitting against the wall next to his door and pulling my knees to my chest. My current ridiculousness only makes me cry harder and I drop my head against my knees, feeling like I have hit the lowest of lows. Only I haven't, not even close. I have been at my lowest before and that is a place I never want to visit again.
I don't know how long I sit there like that, my eyes closed, back pressed against the wall but a muffled voice eventually pulls me from my haze and I look up to see Zayne hovering over me. He's dressed in a suit and appears to just be getting home. Guess it's a good thing I didn't knock. Him not answering the door would have been worse.
“Grace. What the hell? Are you hurt?” Zayne drops down in front of me and lifts my face to meet his. I shake my head no and reach my arms around his neck, pulling him into a hug. I nuzzle my face into his neck and breathe in deeply, not realizing until now just how much I have missed him.
“Grace you have to talk to me. What's going on?” Zayne pulls back, once again studying my face.
“I'm sorry.” I say, finally finding my voice. “I'm sorry to just show up like this. I just needed.... I don't know. I needed to not be alone.” I say, my voice coming out as weak and pathetic as I feel.
“Come on.” He says, standing to his feet and pulling me with him. He puts his arm around my shoulder and holds me securely to his side while he unlocks the door and ushers us into his apartment. After leading me to the couch, he disappears into the kitchen but reappears just seconds lat
er with two rocks glasses filled with ice and an amber liquid.
He hands me the glass before taking a seat next to me on the couch. I lean forward, my elbows on my knees and take a long drink, emptying the contents in a single gulp. It burns like fire but honestly, it feels good. The physical discomfort I can tolerate. “Here.” He says, reaching in front of me to take my empty glass and swap it out with his still full one.
“Thank you.” I get out hoarsely before taking another drink, this one much smaller. “I'm so sorry to just show up like this. I'm usually okay. I have gotten through this every year on my own but then the necklace came and I don't know. It just all feels new again. It feels like it just happened and for the life of me I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make this feeling go away.” I say, rocking slightly on the couch, tears spilling down my cheeks.
“Hey, it's okay. I'm right here.” He says, stilling my movements by draping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me into his chest. Just being close to him makes me feel a little better and I curl my body into him, needing to be as close to him as possible.
He takes the drink from my hand and sits it on the end table before wrapping both of his arms around me. He doesn't say anything or ask anything of me, he just simply holds me. Somehow understanding exactly what I need without me even having to ask. I just need someone to exist with me.
After several minutes of silence and once my tears have finally subsided for the most part, I finally pull back to look at him. I can't explain it but I swear the hurt I feel right now, I can see reflected in the blue eyes staring back at me, as if he somehow understands my pain.
“Thank you.” I say, adjusting myself on the couch so that my side is leaning into the back cushion, giving me the ability to face him. “Did Alec ever tell you what happened the year you came home with him for Thanksgiving? What was wrong with me or why I probably did not speak to one single person the entire time you were there?”
Collide (Two Hearts, #1) Page 12