“No.” He says, reaching out and taking my hand, his thumb working slow circles across the back of it. “I mean, I asked him. I could tell something was off. But he just said you had been through hell but it wasn't his story to tell.” He says. My love for my oldest brother grows significantly upon hearing this. Always my protector.
“In June of that year, I went to a graduation party at “The Gulch” with my boyfriend Kyle and some of his other friends that had just graduated. I was just finishing my junior year and dreading a year where I would be stuck in Colorado while Kyle would be at WSU. Anyways “The Gulch” is pretty much this place where people hang out and there's a couple spots where you can cliff dive from. I promised Kyle we would jump the hundred foot cliff together but chickened out once we got up there. Kyle being Kyle picked me up and launched us both over the cliff together. It felt like it took me forever to reach the surface after hitting the water and when I finally did, I was ready to give Kyle Parker a piece of my mind.” I pause, trying to keep the quiver from my voice.
I have never actually told this story to anyone, well other than the police and the paramedics but that was different. “But then I couldn't find him. I remember frantically searching the surface of the water just waiting for him to pop up and scare me, only he never did. I heard someone screaming and remember looking to the shore. Someone was pulling Kyle's body out of the water. All I could see was red. Blood. It was everywhere. The rest is kind of a blur. I think I went into shock at some point. When I came to in the hospital several hours later, I learned that Kyle had died. He didn't jump out far enough and hit the rocks against the edge.” I take a deep breath and wipe the fresh tears from my cheeks before continuing.
“I remember thinking that there was no way that I could live without him. I wanted to die the moment I found out he was gone. And then came the guilt. If I had just jumped instead of chickening out, Kyle would have been able to launch himself further and therefore would have missed the rocks. But instead he died. Just like that, he was gone. I think a part of me died that day with him. Then after I was released, I picked up the phone to call him like I couldn't wait to tell him what had happened only I realized that I couldn't. I shut down after that. There was only one person I wanted to talk to and he was gone forever.” A light sob escapes my throat.
“You don't have to do this Grace. You don't have to tell me anything.” Zayne says, squeezing my hand lightly.
“I need to tell you. I need someone to understand. No one sees it. But you do. You see me and I need you to hear this. I just need to say it.” I say, pushing back the emotions welling in my throat.
He only nods so I continue. It's like once I opened the gates there's no closing them and I just keep talking. I don't care what he thinks of me in this moment. It just feels good to say all of this out loud.
“I tried to kill myself after that. I swallowed a whole bottle of pain killers. I just wanted it to be over. But my mom found me in time and I ended up in therapy and on antidepressants for a good year before I finally learned to just suck it up and deal with the pain on my own. I was sick of being looked at with pity and sadness. I didn't want pity, I wanted Kyle and since that was never going to happen again, I learned to get by, in my own way. But then this came last week.” I say, holding up the necklace in my hand.
“Kyle's mom found it. He bought it for me right before he died. He planned to give it to me before he left for college so I wouldn't worry while he was gone.” I say, flipping the charm over and pointing at the inscription.
Zayne silently reads it before his eyes meet mine. “This is why you haven't returned my calls?” He says, it's a statement rather than a question. A look of understanding in his eyes.
“I'm sorry. I don't know if it's normal to still feel like I belong to someone who has been dead for five years but a part of me does. I feel like moving on means leaving his memory behind and I don't want to just leave him behind.”
“Don't ever apologize for this Grace. You lost someone very close to you and that type of loss, well it stays with you. Forever I think. Moving on doesn't mean leaving that person behind. He will always be with you. It doesn't matter to him what life you choose for yourself so long as you choose to live it. Live the life he didn't have the chance to live. Live it for you and for him.”
Suddenly everything becomes crystal clear. The reason why I have avoided relationships like the plague for the last five years. It's not because I have some deep seeded guilt of moving on, it's from the fear of history repeating itself. What if I open myself up to the possibility of loving someone only to lose them too?
My gaze meets Zayne's and the fluttering in my heart confirms what I already know to be true. It's too late. I have already fallen, hard and fast. And I know without a doubt that when this ends, not if but when, it's going to be very, very bad.
Chapter Twenty
I wake the next morning in an empty bed. As soon as my mind begins to process last nights events, I am immediately trying to rationalize why I came to the conclusion that I'm in love with Zayne. I can't be in love with someone I barely know. Someone who up until a few weeks ago I had never even spoken to.
No, it must just be my emotions. With all the different feelings flooding through me, it's hard to grasp what is real and what is simply a by product of my grief. Do I really love him or am I just so desperate to love someone that I am simply confusing love with lust? I want to love, to remember what it feels like to be the center of someone's universe and for them to be mine. And yet it is the thing I fear above anything else. Because loving and then losing in my opinion, is far greater than never loving at all.
Deciding not to dwell on it, I push myself out of bed and make my way to the bathroom. After freshening up and trying my best to straighten my wrinkled clothing that I am still wearing from yesterday, I go in search of Zayne.
I hear music in the hallway but it takes me a moment to figure out that it's coming from the study. I knock lightly on the door but I don't hear anything and not being sure if he can hear me over the music, I push my way through the door.
Zayne immediately looks up from behind the large desk and smiles sadly at me. Great. Now I have to worry about him pitying me too. Awesome. Exactly what I wanted to avoid. Taking a few steps inside, I make my way around the side of the desk and sit on the edge, turning inward to face Zayne.
“How are you feeling this morning?” He asks, taking my hand from my lap and rubbing the back of it. It's such a small act but it says so much more to me than he even realizes. The way he's trying to comfort me with a touch, the look in his eyes, it's impossible not to see that at least in some small way, Zayne cares for me. Of course that could also be because of Alec. Maybe he just feels obligated to make sure I'm okay because of his friendship with my brother.
“I'm good.” I say, pulling my hand away to tuck my hair behind my shoulder. “I'm sorry about last night. I can't imagine how.. um... that must have been for you.” I say, feeling my cheeks flush slightly.
“I'm glad you came to me Grace. I'm glad I could be here for you.” He says, his voice full of sincerity. The music flows gently in the background and I pick up on the song immediately. Bush “Straight No Chaser” fills my ears and I close my eyes for a moment.
When I reopen them, Zayne is studying me intently. I smile sweetly at him and not being able to resist, I lean forward, gently pressing my lips to his. Like every other kiss we have shared, my insides light up immediately and desire outweighs all other thoughts and feelings.
Needing to feel the connection between us, I wrap my hand around the back of his neck and kiss him more fiercely. My need evident in the desperation of the way my lips move against his. Zayne stands, placing both of his hands on either side of my face and returns my kiss full force. Sliding his body between my legs, I immediately feel his arousal through his black lounge pants as my tongue explores his mouth more greedily.
He grips the bottom of my tank and gently pulls up, breaking away
from my mouth just long enough to pull the material over my head. I immediately go for the band of his pants but he stops me, breaking away from my lips on a raged breath.
“Are you sure?” He breathes against my mouth.
“Yes.” My voice is thick and full of desire. “I need you. I need you to make love to me.” I say, sliding my hand down the front of his pants and grasping his erection through the material. He lets out a low groan and begins trailing kisses down my neck. I put my arms behind me and lean back, giving him full access.
He slides his tongue down my collarbone and then quickly pushes the material of my pink bra aside, his mouth engulfing my nipple as he begins sucking and gently biting the sensitive flesh. My entire body turns to liquid under his skilled hands. Arching into his touch, a soft moan escapes my lips as he works his way to the other breast, repeating the process until they are both erect and throbbing with desire.
When he makes it back up to my face, his eyes are hooded and his breathing is coming in short hot spurts. He reclaims my lips as his fingers work the button and zipper of my jeans. I lift up, supporting my weight on my arms as he peels the material from my body. He repeats the process with my panties before spreading me wide open for him.
He slides his hand down my torso, the other firmly grasping the back of my neck, holding me steady. When his fingers slide inside my folds, I gasp, loving the feeling of his hands touching me so intimately. His fingers work their way up and down before he slides one finger inside and then another. I try to lean back but Zayne's hand on my neck holds me firm, not letting me move an inch.
He slides his fingers in and out, his thumb working across my clit at a tortuously slow pace and within minutes I am withering against him. Sensing that I am hanging by a very thin thread, he slides his fingers out and makes quick work of removing his pants and boxers.
He pulls me to the edge of the desk and gently pushes my body back. I support my torso with my elbows, watching him as he grips his massive erection and guides it to my entrance. In one swift movement, he plunges inside of me. I cry out from the intense pressure, feeling overly full. I shift my body a little, trying to accommodate his size as he begins a slow steady rhythm pumping in and out of me.
My head falls back and I close my eyes on instinct but he leans across my body and grasps the back of my neck, pulling my face up to meet his. “Keep your eyes on me. God you're so fucking beautiful.” He says when I comply.
I try to focus on keeping my eyes open. I instinctively want to close them as the pleasure ripping through my body starts to reach a boil but I do as he asked and keep my eyes locked on his. As his thrusts become harder, my body takes over. Gently lifting my hips, I meet him thrust for thrust.
He pulls me further up, his lips crashing down on mine as one hand tangles in my long waves, the other holding firmly onto my hip. “Come for me Grace.” He breathes against my mouth. “God you feel so fucking incredible.” He tacks on, sending my already growing orgasm to the brink.
I let out a loud cry as it rips through me, my entire body quivering and pulsing underneath him. This sends him over the edge and after a few more thrusts, his head collapses on my shoulder, his breathing heavy and erratic.
“Are you sure you have never slept with anyone else?” He asks playfully, pulling back to give me a dazzling smile. I nod, my smile matching his. “I swear Grace, I don't know what you do to me but being with you, like this...” He says, grinding his hips, his now softening erection still deep inside of me. “It's the most incredible thing I have ever experienced.”
His confession causes a ripple to run through my entire body. I can't imagine that after all the women I am sure he has slept with, that I would be anything special. And yet, that's exactly how he makes me feel. His reaction to my body is just as intense as mine to his and I can't help but think, in some weird way, that we were made to fit together just like this.
Eventually he pulls out and helps me redress before pulling his boxers and pants back on. The music in the background has changed into a mournful tune. I don't recognize the woman's voice but the song is absolutely beautiful.
“Are you hungry?” He asks, pulling me into his arms and snuggling his face into my hair.
“Starving.” I answer honestly. I can't remember the last time I ate actually and until he mentioned food, I hadn't even thought about it.
“We could order in. What are you in the mood for?” I love that he's giving me a choice and not just choosing what he wants to eat. Considerate is not something I expected him to be but then again, very little about this man is what I expected.
“Everything sounds good right now.” I reply, not able to come up with one specific thing that sounds better than the other.
“We could order sandwiches from the deli down the street. They deliver and the food is really good.” He says, tucking my hair behind my ear, his hand lingering on my cheek for just long enough that a flurry of butterflies erupts in my stomach. My god this man makes me feel so perfect and yet so terrified all at once. The combination of emotions is dizzying and I struggle to get a grip on myself.
Zayne orders sandwiches while I take a quick shower, changing into a pair of his boxers and one of his plain white t-shirts before joining him in the living room. “I swear, you look better in my clothes than I do.” He says, holding out his arm, gesturing for me to join him on the couch.
I don't hesitate, immediately snuggling into his side. My wet hair instantly leaving wet splotches across his gray shirt. “Well considering I'm wearing your underwear, I highly doubt I look anything but a hot mess.” I laugh, pulling back to look at him.
His eyes dance across my face before he leans down and places the sweetest kiss across my lips. “More like the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.” He says, pushing a clump of my wet hair over my shoulder.
“Oh yeah, well you should smell me. I'm totally wearing your deodorant too.” I say, laughing at the amused smile that stretches across his face. “You really should keep a variety of toiletries stocked for when you have company. I can't imagine many women are fond of walking around smelling like a man.”
“Well considering I never have house guest, other than Alec, I've never had the need to keep anything here. But for you, I think I can arrange something.” He smiles and gives me a playful wink.
“I find that hard to believe.” I say, hoping that the statement isn't offensive. “I mean, look at you.” I say, trailing my eyes up and down his perfect body. “There's no way you don't have women lining up at your doorstep.”
He lets out a light laugh and shakes his head. “I didn't say they weren't lining up, just not on my doorstep.” He says, laughing when I playfully smack him across his chest.
“Ass.” I say through my laughter. A knock on the door pulls us from our banter and Zayne quickly makes his way to the front door, reappearing moments later with our sandwiches and two bottles of soda.
We spend the next few minutes eating and watching Fox News. While I have never been one to watch the news, I don't like hearing about all the bad things that are going on in the world, Zayne apparently watches it religiously.
“Seriously, don't you care what's going on? What if we were in the beginning stages of a zombie Apocalypse? How would you know unless you went outside, at which point you would probably either be eaten or turned into a zombie yourself. I'm just saying.” He says, raising his hands up in defense when I shoot him a disbelieving look.
“I'm pretty sure if zombies were running through the streets I wouldn't need to watch the news to find out.” I say, rolling my eyes at him.
“EYES.” He growls. “I fucking hate that.” He laughs and then immediately stops when I roll my eyes again.
“I'm sorry, you hate what exactly?” I ask, playing ignorant.
“You are a major pain in the ass Grace Morgan.” He says, his smile returning.
“You want to do what to my ass? I'm sorry Mr. Evans but I am simply not that kind of girl.” I say in my best
Country accent which is actually really awful and ends up sounding more English than Country.
He immediately bursts into laughter and I can't help but join him. Even though today is the day I dread every year, Zayne has found a way to keep me occupied and thoroughly entertained for most of it and for that, I am more grateful then he will ever know.
“I can think of a few things I'd like to do to you, only one of which involves your ass.” He says, grabbing my arms and pulling me into his lap.
Chapter Twenty-One
“Grace, you got a minute?” Emma asks, knocking lightly on my door. I've only been home from Zayne's for about an hour and I knew, considering I didn't come home again last night, that Emma would want some type of real explanation.
Emma knows me well and she knows that I despise staying at other people's houses, or at least I did until Zayne's. But regardless, I knew she would question me about it, especially given what yesterday was.
“Come on in.” I call to her, pushing myself into a sitting position in my bed. She walks in, crossing the short distance of my room before plopping down on the bed next to me. She's dressed unusually in a black one piece thing that kind of looks like a leotard. It clings to her perfect figure in all the right places but it's not an outfit many would be brave enough to wear. It takes me a second to realize that she is probably heading to the theater.
“How are you?” She asks, pulling her legs up onto the mattress.
“I'm good.” I say, giving her the 'I'm fine' smile that I have perfected over the years. The only difference is, the smile feels more genuine than usual and I know I have one person to thank for that.
“I'm worried about you.” She sighs, pulling her light brown hair into a loose pony tail behind her and securing it with a hair tie from her wrist. “I hate to bring up what yesterday was but this is the first time since it happened that we haven't spent the day together. It's just not like you.”
Collide (Two Hearts, #1) Page 13