by Chris Owen
Bradford cleared his throat. "I'll just wait outside for Dr. Brewer then, shall I?" he asked, and then he withdrew, leaving the three of them alone.
"It's not your fault, Noah," Tobias said softly, smoothing one hand down Noah's back. "This isn't something you caused or could have prevented. It merely is."
Phan sniffled, his arms wrapping around Noah. "Don't do this," he pleaded. "I don't want to feel like... I can't take the weight of your guilt, Noah."
Tobias shushed him gently, the hand on Noah's back still petting, his other hand wiping Phan's tears. "He means he doesn't want you to feel like it's your fault because it isn't. It hurts him that you're hurting."
Noah nodded. "Okay, Phan, okay," he whispered, cradling Phan in his arms and talking softly. "I know it's not my fault, okay? I just feel bad that you're having to go through this. I'm not hurting, I'm just concerned about you, as a friend, you know? That's all, I promise."
Tobias nodded and pressed a kiss to Noah's forehead. He ached for both of them, and his anger grew with every tear that streaked Phantom's face. Not once had he ever heard Phan say things like it not being worth it, that he wasn't worth it. He'd taken on pain that Tobias could never have carried, but he'd never said it was too much.
Facing the pain appeared to be harder than carrying it.
"Phantom," a voice from the door said, and Tobias looked up to see a woman come in. She looked worried and rushed, and she tossed her coat onto a couch as she crossed the room.
Tobias stood up. "Dr. Brewer?"
"Yes." She looked at him and then moved past him to Phan. "Dr. Vincent, I take it?"
"Yes, and this is Noah." He watched as she smiled warmly at Noah, making no move to extricate Phan from his embrace.
"Hello, Noah," she said easily. "How are you doing, Phan?"
"He's doing just fine," Tobias said acidly.
She stood and turned to face him, one brow up. "I am not your submissive, Dr. Vincent, I am Phantom's doctor. If you continue to speak to me like that, I'll have you removed."
Tobias said nothing, but he stood a little straighter and looked at her, meeting her gaze with a steely look.
"And if you try to top me like that again," she said sweetly, "I won't even speak to you after I talk to Phan. Now," she said, turning to Noah, "if you would be so good as to tell me what happened?"
Noah, clearly concerned about the power struggle, glanced up at Tobias before speaking and waited for his nod.
"Phantom and I were at my place talking, like we do every week, and I'm sure you know that sometimes it's a teary evening and sometimes we just have fun..." He swallowed. "Anyway, tonight we got to talking about New Year's Eve, and a scene that Sir and Phan and I had together, and his feelings associated with that, so I invited Sir over to join the conversation, since it involved all three of us, you know?"
Noah stroked Phan's hair and kissed his forehead. "And maybe it was talking about the relationship I have with Sir that set him off, but then he just got upset and said that it didn't matter, no one knew what was wrong with him and no one knew how to help -- that he'd never have a normal relationship with anyone, and he was always going to be this way. That's when we called you."
Tobias opened his mouth and her hand went up. "After, Dr. Vincent. Right now I think I'd like to spend some time with Phan." She smiled at Noah and nodded. "Thank you, Noah. You've done exactly what he needed. Phan, let go of Noah now, and we'll talk."
Slowly Phan untangled himself. "Noah. It's really not your fault, I promise."
"I know, Phan. I believe you. Honest. Please don't worry about me." Noah touched his face and then got up off the couch.
Tobias held a hand out to Noah, drawing him in. "Phantom," he said before Dr. Brewer could stop him again. "You must tell her all of it."
Phan sat up and stared at the floor. "Yes, sir," he said softly.
Tobias nodded. "I'll be waiting, doctor. You and I need to have a talk."
She looked at him again and then at Phan. With a sigh she nodded. "Within limits, yes. But not until I've spoken to Phan. With all due respect, Master Tobias, get out."
Tobias touched Noah's shoulder and led them out, not really wanting to leave Phan but knowing that they had to, that it was best. As they left the room he sighed. "You did exceptionally well, pet, and I thank you for it."
Noah turned and wrapped his arms around Tobias' waist, pressing his face into Tobias' chest. "Maybe I shouldn't have asked you to come over? Maybe I should have just left it alone when he wanted to change the subject. I only wanted to help, and look at him now. Maybe these visits are a bad idea."
"Tsk," Bradford clucked at him from across the hall.
"Listen to me," Tobias said roughly. "None of that. You did the right thing -- how is helping him hide a good thing? And these visits of yours are the best thing for both of you -- he needs to be friends with someone, he needs to feel safe. I thought you liked spending time with him, pet?"
"I do, but it's never been this bad before, sir. I've never felt like I couldn't handle it." Noah sighed and let go. "I do enjoy his visits. We mostly have fun. He's so sweet, how could anyone do those things to him?"
"I don't know," Tobias said softly. He'd asked himself that time and time again, had even looked into the faces of the people who were supposed to protect the child Phan had been. He hadn't found any answers.
He held Noah to him and stroked his back, hoping to soothe his boy. "Bradford, there's something we should discuss. Phan's not subbing, and it's hurting him."
"You think so? Phan hasn't subbed regularly in a very long time, you know, Tobias. Not since you and he split, as far as I know. He and I have never had that kind of relationship. He came to me to be--" Bradford sighed. "For scenes and that was all."
Tobias shook his head. "Not like that, Bradford. I mean chores, serving. I mean giving him some sort of purpose, man! You are what you are, and he is what he is, and he's had everything taken from him -- even pain. He's without an anchor." He tightened his arms on Noah and took a deep breath, trying to control his temper.
Bradford raised an eyebrow and took a step toward Tobias. He looked Tobias in the eye and his jaw clenched before he spoke. "You need to take a more respectful tone with me, Tobias. You have no right -- no right -- to take issue with me regarding my efforts to help Phantom. I have made myself sick over him. You have no idea. I broke him, I took him in, I have kept him safe and comfortable, I have sat with him through nights of nightmares and tears -- I defy you to tell me that I am not doing enough for him. If you think he needs something more, something else I could offer him, I'm happy to discuss it with you, but leave your anger at the door. Is that clear?"
Tobias let go of Noah and stepped forward. "You defy me to tell you? Fine. You're not doing enough. I spent years taking care of that boy, and you damn well know it. I got him clean, I trained him. Two months after breaking him, your aftercare sucks, Bradford. My anger and I will be outside."
He turned and started to walk away, wondering if he could find cigarettes at the club bar. "Noah, stay where it's warm, pet," he said, grabbing his coat.
Tobias heard Bradford apologize to Noah as he left them and then the sound of Bradford's boots behind him.
"Tobias!" Bradford called, following him. "Wait."
"Not unless you have a bottle and a pack of cigarettes," Tobias called back. Then he sighed and stopped, shoving his hands into his coat pockets as he turned. "Damn it."
"I have both in my office. Will you come sit? I've sent Noah to relax with Nikki and Brian." Bradford gestured toward the back end of the hall and his office.
Tobias felt his shoulders slump. He was going to be making this up to Noah for ages. "I can't promise not to yell. But it's not at you, it's... everything."
"I know, me, too. Come on." Bradford took Tobias' coat and hung it up, then led him back to his office. He closed the door after Tobias came in and went to a cabinet at the far end. "Sit," Bradford said, and returned to his desk with a bott
le and two glasses. He slid his cigarette case across the desk.
"Pour," Tobias said, not wasting time as he reached for the cigarettes. "Ashtray?" He looked where Bradford pointed and stood up to fetch it. "I apologize," he said, only slightly stiffly.
"Thank you," Bradford said just as stiffly as he poured them each a drink. "So what is this really about, Tobias? Are you feeling helpless? Guilty? If you think he needs more purpose, I can do that. Thank you for letting me know."
"Oh, don't be like that," Tobias said. "You're no more my Dom than Luca is. Peers, remember? So take that tone and shove it. If I'd known what he needed before tonight I would have told you." Tobias lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply. "And don't glare at me, and don't you dare send me to the wall. I won't go. Not this time."
"Oh, for crying out loud," was all Bradford said before lighting a cigarette himself and leaning back in his desk chair.
Tobias glared at him and raised an eyebrow. "That's it?"
"You're not his Master anymore, Tobias. He's not your boy. He's on his own now and has been responsible for himself for a long while. You can’t be the answer to his problems anymore, as much as you'd like to be. You can't hold him and fix it. You can't order him to his knees and center him and fix it that way, either. This time his answers have to come from inside himself. We don't have any choice but to sit back and watch it happen, and that's just frustrating you enough to turn you into a complete asshole."
Tobias took a breath and then followed it up with a drag on the cigarette. That didn't work, so he switched to the scotch. Bradford had a point, and Tobias knew it, but he was wrong, too. Phan was still a sub and he still needed a Dom. He needed it like he needed to breathe.
"He needs me," he finally said, a chill running down his spine at the words.
"Fine," Bradford said, putting his empty glass down on the desk. "Then quit telling me what a lousy job I'm doing with him and take him off my hands."
"I can't." He couldn't. There wasn't any way he could take Phan in. He set his glass down and stubbed out his cigarette. "I have to go. I'll get Noah and leave -- talk to Brewer when she's done, will you?"
"Jesus Christ," Bradford muttered, chasing Tobias back out into the hall. "Tobias. Tobias, damn you, wait a minute. You're walking out on him now? He's going to expect you to be here when the doctor is done with him. I was hoping you'd speak to her with me. Where are you going?"
"I'm going home," Tobias said calmly. He felt amazingly still inside, considering the way his world had just tilted. "As you've pointed out, I can't take him off your hands, so I shouldn't be here." He looked around and shoved his hands into his pockets again, mostly so he wouldn't see them shake. "If you want to call it running out on him, fine. Call it what you want. I call it saving him." He turned and started to walk away, looking for Noah.
Bradford made no reply.
"I thought I heard your voice, sir," Noah said, hurrying to him. He knelt abruptly at Tobias' feet. "I should have waited for you here, I know, but Master Bradford suggested I go in with Nikki and Brian."
"It's okay, sweetheart," Tobias said softly, one hand running over Noah's hair. "Bradford and I had to yell at each other a little." He looked at Bradford and schooled his features. "Are we done?" he asked.
"As you so eloquently pointed out, I'm not your Dom, so I can hardly tie you up to keep you here. I think you're making a mistake in leaving, but my opinion hasn't held much water with you this evening, so -- run if you need to, Tobias, I'll do the best I can here."
Bradford didn't wait for an answer but simply headed back to his office.
"We're leaving, sir?" Noah asked from his knees. "Aren't we going stay to make sure Phan is okay? Didn't the doctor say she wanted to talk to you?"
Suddenly weary, Tobias sighed. "I know, pet. But I don't know if I can deal with this right now. I... I need to make some decisions, and now is probably not the right moment. I seem to be a little worked up."
"If you think that's best, sir." Noah stood and retrieved his own coat.
Best. Tobias stood there for a long moment, fully aware of what he was doing to Noah, to Bradford, to Phantom... to himself. "I don't think it's best," he said softly. "I simply don't know what else to do."
Shaking himself he looked back the way Bradford had gone. "Into the lion's den, then. Come along, pet, you can help me lick my wounds later. If we all survive." He walked to the door and knocked, Noah just behind him.
"Come in," came the voice behind the door.
Tobias opened the door and walked in, holding it open until Noah was in as well. As he swung it shut he said, "What would you have me do? Honestly, how the hell do you see this working, Bradford?"
Noah knelt by the door.
Bradford, damn him, didn't seem the least bit surprised to see Tobias in his office again. "I don't know," Bradford said. "Maybe if we talk it out a bit we'll come to something." He steepled his fingers and tapped them against his chin. "Moving in with you seems premature, and perhaps ultimately it won't be necessary. I think you're right, though, that he does need a full-time Dom, someone to keep him in his space, to keep him purposeful, to give him reasons to keep doing what he's doing. With your guidance, I will fill that role for now, if you want me to."
Tobias glanced at Noah. "I'm certainly not taking him home," he told Noah. He walked a few steps and turned. "What kind of guidance are we talking about here?"
Bradford looked thoughtful for a moment. "Domestic submission, evening punishment and morning discipline, training, the works if you think he needs it. I'll commit to that for a trial period if that's what we decide he needs, Tobias. No one has suggested that to me to this point, including his doctor."
"Yes, well. His doctor will have a couple of questions to answer." Tobias paced again. "There're too many variables. Too much he's not saying -- and I'd bet lying about. Up until an hour ago, I thought everything was fine."
"Phan lies," Bradford said simply. "He always has. He tells everyone what they want to hear, whether or not it's strictly true. I don't expect his doctor would be any different." He filled their glasses again and sighed. "Tobias, in a perfect world, what would you have happen right now? If it weren't for these other variables, what would you see as the solution?"
Tobias snorted. "Everyone healthy and happy and whole, what else?"
Bradford snorted at him. "That's not a solution, Tobias, that's a pipe dream."
"So I have to choose one? Don't make me choose between them. Noah is my life, you know that. I love him. He's stronger, though -- don't make me choose being happy with Noah and saving Phan; I can't."
"What?" Noah said looking up from the floor.
"Tobias. I never said you had to choose, did I?"
Noah got to his feet. "What?"
Tobias reached for Noah. "I won't give you up. I won't leave you, and you're mine, do you hear me? I love you. I am not choosing Phantom over you, I won't." He was growling by the end, desperate to reassure Noah, to keep him from leaving. The boy had to believe him.
Noah stepped backward before Tobias could touch him. "Why are we talking about you taking Phan in?"
Tobias stepped forward, keeping the distance the same. "We're not. I'm not taking him home."
Noah looked into his eyes. "It's not all right with me. Don't even consider it, Tobias."
"I just said I'm not, Noah. I won't." Tobias stared into the eyes he seldom got to see. "I won't," he said softly. He felt the burn at the back of his nose and turned his head before Noah could see the tears.
He could feel Noah's eyes on his back, and Bradford's too. No one spoke for a bit, until Bradford finally broke the silence. "You've heard him Noah, he's reassured you several times, hm? Be a good boy and kneel for him again."
Tobias didn't need to turn around to feel the look that passed between them, but he heard Noah go to his knees.
"Tobias." Bradford handed him his drink. "Why don't we wait for the doctor and talk more about this later?"
Tobias nodde
d and looked at the glass, finally setting it down on a shelf. "Thanks, but no," he said quietly. "For the drink, I mean. Of course I'll wait to hear what the doctor says, but then we'll be going. I don't think I should see Phan tonight." He moved to one of the visitor's chairs and sat, staring at the floor as he waited for the doctor.
Noah moved to Tobias' chair and knelt in front of it, then wordlessly, he leaned into Tobias' lap.
Bradford cleared his throat. "I'll go check on Dr. Brewer," he said, neatly excusing himself from the room.
As soon as the door closed Tobias opened his arms and reached for Noah. "Come here," he said softly, pulling him into his lap. "I love you, Noah. Only you. Do you understand that?"
Noah started to nod and then sighed. "Only me? Are you sure? Are you absolutely sure? Because I don't think Phan is." Noah's insecurity was plainly evident in his question.
"I care about him. I love him on some level, I suppose, but as one does an old and special friend. I feel responsible for him. I worry about him. But you are my heart. My life. My boy. I love you passionately. You are my first priority, my first responsibility, my lover. Does that help?"
"It... helps. Yes. You want to know what I have nightmares about?" Noah asked, rhetorically. "That once Phan learns that he doesn't need the pain, there won't be anything standing between the two of you anymore... but me."
Tobias pulled Noah closer to him and kissed his temple. "It's not going to happen," Tobias said, enunciating every word. "Phan and I have ties, yes. We've been over this, Noah. Phan and I split up over more than the pain, though that was at the root. We... we aren't right together that way. You and I are. You are not second choice for me, Noah Dolan -- you're the only choice. What can I do to prove that to you? What can I do to make you secure in that?"
Noah shook his head. "You can't. I just have to believe it. And I do. I do. Just nights like this and talk like... well, I hadn't expected it, and it threw me." Noah kissed Tobias' neck and sighed. "So, are you all right?" Noah asked, deftly changing the subject. "You've got a horrid temper tonight. I've never seen you and Master Bradford argue like that."