In Her Words (A St. Skin Novel): a bad boy new adult romance novel

by London Casey

  “Ma, cut me some slack,” I said.

  Ma stood up. “Oh, I am. I’m flying out tomorrow, Caspien. Tomorrow afternoon. Everything is okay with my shifts at the restaurants.”

  “I hate that you work two jobs still. Goddammit, let me take care of you, Ma.”

  “I’m a big girl,” she said. “You have a family. And I have somewhere to be.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  Ma smiled. “I knew something was going on here. I think what you’re doing is amazing. As a mother, I’m proud. But what Diem is doing, that’s more than I could ever explain. You wouldn’t understand, Caspien. You two need to figure out what’s going to happen. Whether it’s talking about the past or just planning a future. I’ve never seen you like this.”

  “I’ve never had a kid before,” I said.

  “You need to call her,” Ma said.

  Ma grabbed her purse and keys.

  “Where the hell are you going?” I asked.

  “I’m going to spend the evening with my granddaughter,” she said.

  “What are you talking about?”

  Ma ignored me until she got to the door. She turned and looked at me, pointing the starter key at me. She used to do that all the time before she gave her final warning before leaving for work.

  “Call Diem.”

  She left the house. I had no idea what the hell was going on.

  I grabbed my phone and called Diem.

  I should have stopped at the damn bar instead.

  I didn’t like the idea of not seeing my daughter but I promised myself that it would all pay off in the end. Whatever that end actually was. The end of me and Diem? Before anything actually began?

  One thing I knew for sure, nothing was going to keep me away from Paisley. I was never so unsure of anything in my life when it came to being a father yet at the same time I was so damn sure that I had to be there for her. No matter what. She was going to grow up into a world of questions that came with answers that were not easy to hear or give out.

  And it was my fault.

  I slept with Scarlett. I jumped into the bed with her that wild night knowing what could happen. All of that had nothing to do with Diem, but she was right in the middle of the storm.

  I had no way of making that up to her other than offering myself. Offering myself in a way I had never done before to someone. Prove to her that I would take care of her and my daughter. No matter the situation, the judgment, the worry. Goddammit, none of that meant a thing inside my house and my heart.

  Standing in the kitchen, I knew Diem was on her way. I surveyed my kitchen and knew I wasn’t going to have a damn thing to cook. Nor would I have the time to cook something. I only spoke to Diem through text. We were both surprised that Ma had somehow planned this little get together of me and Diem. Her heart meant well. I was her only son and she knew she had done plenty wrong by me. She didn’t want that for Paisley.

  So I stood in the kitchen wondering if this was going to be a date.

  Either way we needed something to eat.

  And something to drink.

  I had some pizzas in the freezer that were probably more ice than pizza. The fridge had the essentials for a guy like to me to get by until I hit somewhere to get a drink and a bite.

  In other words, I was screwed.

  I had to call in the reserves to make sure things went smooth.

  I grabbed my cell and called Johnnie’s.

  All I had to do was say I needed something nice for dinner and I was taking shit for having a woman over. I made it clear it was the woman raising my daughter. I ended the call and stood there, alone, thinking about what I said.

  The woman raising my daughter.

  I hated that.

  In my heart … it was pretty simple.

  Diem was Paisley’s mother.

  Diem

  NOW

  I tried to play it all in my head. I was the one who initiated this relationship with Cass. I wanted him to be involved in Paisley’s life but now I was going to his house without Paisley. Cass’s mother was at my house, watching Paisley. I left Susie’s number with Barb, in case of an emergency. Barb smiled, her eyes politely telling me Sweetheart, I’ve done this before.

  It was always hard to leave Paisley, but this was different.

  I wasn’t sure what the night was going to be. What it meant. What would happen.

  But I knew this …

  Everything was going to be put on the table tonight.

  Cass stood on the porch, six-foot-six of tattooed muscle and eyes that did something to me which, honestly, scared the hell out of me. I wasn’t even out of my car and my body and mind were starting to play games with me. Meanwhile my heart felt like it was in an endless flutter. But my stomach? That was pretty consistent. Filled with guilt.

  I met him at the porch where he grabbed me for a hug. You would have sworn we hadn’t seen each other in months instead of days.

  “How are you, darlin’?” he asked, that voice of his slicing through any attempt of a wall I dared to put up.

  “I’m here,” I said. “I miss Paisley.”

  “I miss her too. Let’s go inside and figure shit out.”

  “That’s what we’re doing? Figuring shit out?”

  “Yeah,” Cass said. “No holding back anymore. On anything, Diem. Promise me that.”

  “You do the same for me.”

  I felt Cass’s hand slip to the small of my back. “Trust me, darlin’, I don’t hold back. You should know that by now.”

  I quivered in all the right places and backed away from him.

  He led the way into the house and when I saw the food on the table, I felt like my world took a sudden turn.

  “Cass—”

  “I didn’t cook it,” he said. “I paid someone else to cook it. And deliver it. Along with some wine, whiskey, and beer. I figure if we’re doing this tonight, then we might as well be comfortable.”

  “It smells delicious.”

  “Johnnie’s is the best. Looks like spaghetti and meatballs, but trust me, this is a religious experience.” Cass pulled a chair out for me. He leaned down and put his lips to my ear. “Your only decision is wine, whiskey, or beer.”

  “Whiskey,” I said. “Straight. No ice.”

  “Whew. A woman who knows how to drink.”

  “No, Cass, I just need to prepare myself for all of this.”

  That was the damn truth.

  I sat there and sipped the first glass of whiskey as I ate. Cass was right, the food was amazing. Not quite sure it was a religious experience, but it was by far the best spaghetti and meatball dinner I’d ever had.

  I watched him throw back three beers with ease.

  I had a second glass of whiskey right after we finished eating.

  “Do you need help cleaning up?” I asked.

  “This is staying put,” Cass said. He offered his hand. “You’re coming with me.”

  “Where?”

  “To a place of honesty.”

  Cass grabbed two beers, the bottle of whiskey, and he still had my hand as we exited through the backdoor of his house. We walked through the large yard and I couldn’t help but wonder if there would ever be a swing set in the back for Paisley. A sandbox. A princess castle.

  “That right there,” Cass said as he nodded to the old barn. “That’s where we’re going. We’re leaving it all there.”

  “I think you’re just trying to get me drunk.”

  “Exactly.”

  “Why?”

  Cass broke his grip on my hand and opened the door. “Because I want it all, darlin’. Like I said the first time I met you. And I’m going to give you the same. Starting right here.”

  Inside the barn, it was messy beautiful. The place had obviously been renovated at some point, turned into an additional living space. But beyond that the place was filled with instruments and equipment.

  I didn’t know where to stand or what I could touch.

  “I
don’t know who redid it,” Cass said. “But it was a nice add-on when I bought the house. I planned on turning it into a recording studio. Get back to what I always loved to do before the road took control of my life. This place has running water, plumbing, obviously it has electrical. There’s a fireplace made of stone. A house, you know?”

  “It’s really beautiful,” I said. “It needs to be organized.” I grinned.

  Cass pointed to all the equipment. “A lot of this is stuff I collected from the road. When I got off the road I took a few of my last checks and spent like I was going to die tomorrow. It felt good to do. Even if most of this I haven’t even touched yet.”

  “Why?” I asked.

  “And so our night begins,” Cass said. He walked to a couch and climbed up, sitting on the top of the couch. “When I was younger, it was all about the music. You know my father was gone. I don’t remember him and while I never wanted to remember him, I couldn’t let it go. I still can’t let it go, Diem. I can’t tell that to Ma though. She’d go crazy on me. She’d blame herself, twisting the story around. That’s what she does. Her heart is gold, but her mind is not right. I found music as my escape and I planned on escaping. You know, time and shit happens in life. I was in a band and we were really good. We started to slowly fall apart, leading up to me finding out my drummer was sleeping with my girlfriend.”

  “No,” I said.

  “Mind you, darlin’, we were in high school. But I was going to run away. I was going to escape and just be free. I got close too. I even left the one night, for good. But something happened. A moment that changed me forever. It’s like the moment you were standing in my office at St. Skin. Just … life changing.”

  “I understand life changing, Cass,” I said. “I went from babysitter to Mom.”

  I wasn’t sure if Cass was done with his story but I really didn’t want to hear about the rock star life right now. He wanted to know everything about me and about my life and Paisley—not to mention the whiskey was starting to really kick in. I was warm, loose, and I felt old demons and emotions kicking up.

  “Okay, darlin’,” Cass said. “I want to hear the full story.”

  “I met Scarlett when we were both in foster care,” I said. “Yeah, that’s right, I was in foster care. My parents died when I was a kid and I had nobody to take me. So I bounced around.”

  Cass started to stand but I put my hand up. I didn’t need any sympathy right then. I just needed to talk.

  “We lived in a row home. She was my neighbor. From the day I met her, she was wild. Forever wild. We balanced each other out, which somehow made our friendship work. So let’s fast forward years and years. I worked, saved money, went to college, and bought a house. Scarlett lived fast, hard, wild, barely got through college, and only went to just keep partying. Somewhere in her quest to try and find her place in the world she met you.”

  “One night,” Cass said.

  “A night that lives forever,” I said. “How cliche does that sound?”

  Cass lowered his head. “Right. Can I talk about that night?”

  “Yeah, sure,” I said.

  “I’m not going to lie to you, Diem. There was something there with me and her. Call it instant, whatever, I don’t know. Maybe because we were two people searching for something. Maybe that’s what made things feel so good and real so fast. We talked. We wrote some lyrics. She told me she was going to be a famous writer.”

  “And I was going to be the one who illustrated all her books,” I said. “I had heard that from her for years.”

  “Darlin’, are you mad at her?” Cass asked.

  Now that was a question nobody ever asked me before. A question that burned inside me.

  “I can’t answer that,” I whispered. “I just can’t.”

  “Okay, fine. Tell me what happened that night.”

  “After she got pregnant and had Paisley, she changed. Reality was catching up to her and she tried so hard to fight it off. But Paisley was there. She was real. She wasn’t going anywhere.”

  “Was she a good mother?” Cass asked.

  “Yes,” I said. “When it came to Paisley, she was a good mother. She was confused. Scared. Hurt. But good.”

  “Hurt?”

  “She talked about you all the time during the pregnancy,” I said. “Right up until the last month. I think she was hurt with guilt. I think she was mad at herself for not calling you and getting you involved.”

  Cass jumped from the couch. He put his back to me. I could see the way he was breathing. He was getting angry.

  I slowly crept forward, eliminating the distance between us. I looked around the barn-slash-house and knew that there were a million memories in there. All that equipment and all those instruments. Yet I was holding memories that were powerful enough to bring him down.

  I touched Cass’s back, my hands feeling the strong muscle under his shirt. “You want to know all of this, right?”

  “Yes,” he said. “I wouldn’t have abandoned her. I’m not going to abandon you, Diem.”

  “I never said you were. I’m just telling you how things were. Because Scarlett started to drink. To party. Trying to reclaim what she had in a former life. That was okay, I suppose, because I was always there for her. I made sure Paisley was fine. She was never in danger of being hurt.”

  Cass turned to face me. There were tears in his eyes. This bold big rock star was ready to cry. He put his arms around me as I kept my arms around his body. I wasn’t sure who was holding who at that point.

  “Cass—”

  “What happened to Scarlett?”

  “That’s the hardest part of this,” I whispered.

  “Why?” Cass asked.

  “It wasn’t her fault.”

  “What do you mean?”

  My stomach twisted. “You ever have a gut feeling, Cass? Like a really powerful gut feeling?”

  “Darlin’, I’ve had a gut feeling since I met you.”

  Butterflies set off in my body when Cass said stuff like that to me.

  “I’m serious,” I said. “I just knew something was going to happen that night. I insisted she leave Paisley with me.”

  “Why?”

  “She was going to talk to someone about a book. It was a causal thing and she was going to bring Paisley along. I told her to leave the baby with me so she could focus. I just had this feeling in my gut that …”

  Cass touched my cheek. “When are you going to get it? That’s a motherly instinct. Something—”

  “Cass, just listen to me. She was killed in a car accident. Of all the things she did in her life this was the one time she was sober. She was just driving. The other driver— he was …”

  The words got stuck in my throat.

  “Jesus,” Cass whispered.

  “Yeah,” I said.

  “A drunk driver killed Scarlett?”

  “Yes. He was in a big ass truck. Crossed the lane and clipped the front of her car. Sent it flying off the road, down an embankment, and into a tree. That was it.”

  “I’m so sorry,” Cass said.

  “You are? Why?”

  “Look what you went through all alone. I can’t even imagine it. Getting that call. Then being thrown into all of it. Alone.”

  I nodded. “It was hard, Cass. Saying goodbye to my best friend. Then having her daughter to raise. The legal stuff started right away. It cost me a fortune to keep things the way they are. I never know what’s happening next.”

  “You have nothing to worry about,” Cass said. “I swear to you on that. You are Paisley’s mother right now. And you’re going to be forever.”

  I shook my head. “No, Cass. No way. I can’t hear that.”

  “It’s the damn truth,” Cass growled. “All we lost and all we have right now—”

  Cass broke away from me. He walked away and grabbed a beer. He stood there and pounded it. I was starting to shake. I hated talking about what happened. And I hadn’t even talked about my life. What happened to
my parents. I couldn’t do that right now.

  “Cass, talk to me,” I whispered.

  “I don’t know what to say,” he said. “I’m angry right now.”

  “You know what? I’m angry too.”

  Cass turned to face me.

  I walked toward him, leaving just a couple feet between us.

  I repeated myself. “I’m fucking angry. Over it all. Is that what you want to hear? Because that’s the truth too. I’m angry that everything is a struggle. I’m angry that I’m alone. I’m angry that she can be taken away from me. I’m angry that … that Scarlett met you before me. Because this guilt—”

  “No,” Cass said.

  That was the only word he said.

  He closed off the distance between us, picking me up.

  I wrapped my legs around him.

  We were hurt. We were angry.

  We had each other.

  And we started to kiss.

  Cass spun me around and put me on a table. I was losing complete control. I wanted to blame the whiskey. The whiskey was working just fine, but my heart and body were still incapable of making a decision.

  He kissed me hard, fast, his hands sliding from my back around and up my body. He touched my breasts over my shirt, his right hand continuing up until he rested his hand to my face. That’s when he broke the kiss and stared at me.

  We were breathing as though we had both ran a marathon.

  “Cass …”

  “Darlin’,” he whispered. “I’m not holding back anymore. I know what the fuck I want in my life. It’s not just Paisley. It also includes you. You deserve it. All this time you’ve been doing more than one person should do alone. I want to fix that. And it starts tonight.” Cass kissed me. “I’m starting with your body, Diem. I want every inch of you.”

  His tongue flicked against my neck.

  I put my head back and groaned. He kept kissing down and around to the other side of my neck. He worked up to my ear, nibbling against it, sending chills head to toe.

  “Fuck,” I groaned.

  “That’s right, darlin’,” Cass said. “Tell me everything.”

  His left hand moved down and around to my lower back. He pulled at me, thrusting forward, pressing his thickness between my legs.

  “Feel me,” he whispered, his hot breath against my neck. “Feel how fucking hard I am because of you.”