by David Thorne
Hello, my name is Jason, and I’m a good drawer
“Hello, sir, my name is Jason, and I was wondering if your company would be interested in a good drawer? No? Thank you for your time.”
People often say to me, “Jason, you are a good drawer,” and I say, “Thank you.” To some people, being a good drawer may seem like a hobby rather than a profession, but I take it very seriously. Each fortnight, eighteen dollars (20 percent) of my income is spent on charcoal and butcher’s paper. It is an investment in my future.
Here are some of my drawings; they are all for sale. Please contact me immediately if you wish to purchase some of these masterpieces, which will no doubt prove to be a very handsome investment.
Name
Whale Looking For Mate
Media
Charcoal on butcher paper
Price
$2,800
Name
Nina in Floral Dress, Summertime
Media
Charcoal on butcher paper
Price $5,200
Name Friendly Tiger
Media
Charcoal on butcher paper
Price $3,000
Shannon’s color-coded coffee cleaning chart
Due to there being an unprecedented twelve coffee cups needing to be cleaned in the sink at work, it is understandable that Shannon would be outraged by this intrusion on her “Facebook and looking out the window” time. Though kitchen duties may be an expected part of her job role, there is no reason why everyone should not reschedule work/client commitments and help out, to ensure Shannon’s social networking and looking out the window time is not interrupted.
From: Shannon
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 10:12 a.m.
To: Staff
Subject: Coffee cups
There was twelve coffee cups left in the sink this morning. Could you please wash coffee cups after using them. Thanks, Shan
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 10:19 a.m.
To: Shannon
Subject: Re: Coffee cups
Morning Shannon,
My apologies. Those coffee cups were mine. I am rather busy today so decided to have all of my coffee breaks at the one time this morning rather than taking twelve separate breaks throughout the day. I am currently experiencing severe heart palpitations but also typing at four hundred and seventy words per minute so should be able to leave early.
Regards, David
From: Shannon
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 10:31 a.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Coffee cups
I was not saying they were all your coffee cups I was just saying that I shouldn’t have to wash twelve coffee cups when I don’t drink coffee. People should wash their own coffee cups or at least take it in turns to wash them.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 10:42 a.m.
To: Shannon
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Coffee cups
Shannon,
You raise a valid and not at all uninteresting point. Perhaps you could construct some kind of chart. A roster system would enable us to work in an environment free of dirty coffee cups and put an end to any confusion regarding who the dirty coffee cup responsibility lies with.
David
From: Shannon
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 1:08 p.m.
To: Staff
Subject: Kitchen Roster
Hi everyone. I have discussed a kitchen roster with David and feel it would be fair if we took it in turns to do the dishes. I have put the roster in the kitchen so everyone can remember. I am Monday morning and Wednesday and Friday afternoon. David is Monday afternoon and Wednesday morning, Lillian is Tuesday morning and Thursday afternoon and Thomas is Tuesday afternoon and Friday morning.
Thanks, Shan
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 1:22 p.m.
To: Shannon
Subject: Color coded coffee cup cleaning chart
Shannon, I notice that you have color-coded the coffee-cup-cleaning chart. While I appreciate the creative effort that has gone into this roster, the light salmon color you have chosen for my name is very effeminate. While I am sure you have not done this on purpose and are not inferring anything, I would appreciate you rectifying this immediately. Would it be possible to swap colors with Thomas, as he has quite a nice dusty blue?
Thank you, David
From: Shannon
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 2:17 p.m.
To: Staff
Subject: Updated kitchen roster
Hi. I have changed David’s color to blue on the kitchen roster. Thomas is now green.
Shan
From: Thomas
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 2:24 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: What the fuck?
What the fuck is this e-mail from Shannon? I am not doing a fucking kitchen roster. Was this your idea?
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 2:38 p.m.
To: Thomas Cc: Shannon
Subject: Re: What the fuck?
Thomas, do you feel it is fair that Shannon should have to wash everyone’s coffee cups? Apparently, this morning there were twelve coffee cups in the sink. I was going to schedule a staff meeting this afternoon to discuss the issue, but luckily, Shannon has prepared a color-coded coffee-cup-cleaning chart for us, rendering a staff meeting unnecessary. We should all thank Shannon for taking the initiative and creating a system that will empower us to efficiently schedule client meetings and work commitments around our designated coffee-cup-cleaning duties. If at any stage our rostered coffee-cup-cleaning commitments coincide with work requirements, we can simply hold the client meeting in the kitchen. We can wash while the clients dry. Today it may be only twelve coffee cups, but tomorrow it could be several plates and a spoon, and then where would we be?
David
From: Thomas
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 2:56 p.m.
To: Shannon
Subject: Kitchen stuff
Shannon, I do not need a chart telling me when to wash dishes. I’m not going to stop in the middle of writing proposals to wash cups.
David is being a fuckwit. I only use one coffee cup and I always rinse it out after I use it. If we have clients here and they use coffee cups then it is appreciated that you wash them as part of your job.
From: Lillian
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 3:06 p.m.
To: Thomas
Subject: Re: Kitchen stuff
What’s this kitchen roster thing? Did you agree to this?
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 3:09 p.m.
To: Shannon
Subject: Rescheduling coffee cup duties
Shannon, can I swap my rostered coffee-cup-cleaning duty this afternoon for Thursday? I have been busy all day working, not looking at pictures of Johnny Depp on the Internet, and not had time to familiarize myself with correct coffee-cup-cleaning requirements. I am happy to reschedule my meetings tomorrow to undertake a training session on dish washing detergent location and washcloth procedures with you if you have the time. I feel it would be quite helpful if prior to the training session you prepared some kind of PowerPoint presentation. Possibly with graphs. Will I need to bring my own rubber gloves, or will these be provided?
David
From: Shannon
Date: Monday 17 August 2009 3:20 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Rescheduling coffee cup duties
Whatever.
Simon’s step-by-step guide to camping
Hello, my name is Simon, and I love camping. I do not own any camping gear, but this is not a problem, as I have watched every season of Survivor. My favorite season so far was the one where Jeff, the host, rode all the way from the Amazon on a jet-ski to New York, crossing the Atlantic Ocean, to read the votes in the final episode. This shows
not only great dedication to fans but also excellent seafaring and navigation skills. It would have taken him ages, plus he would have had to stop to rest and eat.
Step 1
Ring David at 11 p.m. and tell him you want to go camping the next day. Dictate a list of items you require him to prepare by the next morning, including tent and all supplies. If David asks any questions, become exasperated and explain to him that camping is about enjoying the great outdoors and each other’s company, not about going halves for groceries and petrol money.
Step 2
Ring David at 6:45 a.m. to add “Biscuits to eat on the trip” to the list.
Step 3
Once David arrives to pick you up, read out the list and make David say the word “check” after each item because that is how they do it on television and “yep” is not a real word. Add “Pocket mirror” to the list, berating David for not having the common sense to include this should you need to signal planes. Quote Lord Baden-Powell’s “Be Prepared” a minimum of four times. Before leaving, try on several combinations of cargo pants with baseball caps and consult David on the merits of each. If David states, “That looks fine,” explain to him that you were just testing him and he failed, as you would never wear a green baseball cap with beige cargo pants out in public. If he mentions nobody else will be at the campsite to see the outfit, explain to him that you are taking a digital camera and will not be posting photos on Facebook of you wearing a green baseball cap with beige cargo pants.
Step 4
Instruct David to take your bags out to the car while you check your e-mail before leaving. Explain the importance of working together and good time management. Once you have left, instruct David to pull into a service station to purchase AAA batteries and different biscuits to eat on the trip, as you like only the ones with cream in them. When David returns to the car, go into the service station to purchase biscuits yourself after stating that it should have been obvious you did not mean Oreo’s. While inside, also purchase Billy Idol’s greatest hits CD to listen to on the way because you like the track “Yell Like a Rebel.”
Step 5
During the four-hour drive to the campsite, instruct David to pull over every forty-five minutes so you can go to the toilet behind a tree. It is important to do this when the only tree is several hundred meters away in a field. While urinating, peer around the tree at David sitting in the car. For the remainder of the drive, list words that lose all meaning when you say them fifty times such as “yolk,” warn David to watch out for kangaroos every ten minutes, and play Billy Idol’s Greatest Hits on loop while stating, “Oooh, I remember this one,” at the beginning of each track. Read out each road sign as you pass it. When it is a speed limit sign, lean across to glance at the speedometer.
Step 6
Upon arrival, unpack only a chair to sit in, while David sets up camp. Point out what he could do to streamline the procedure. Instruct David to fetch your bag because you did not realize the tent would be the same color as your cargo pants and you wish to change. Explain that if you are photographed with the tent in the background it will look like you have no legs. Admonish David for purchasing AAA batteries when your digital camera takes AA. Inform David that AA and AAA are the correct terms and that only people who drive pickup trucks call them double A and triple A.
Step 7
After sitting in the chair for an hour, inform David that you are bored. If David suggests hiking or any other activity that requires leaving the chair, state that you are there to relax, not partake in extreme sports.
Step 8
While David collects firewood to cook dinner, call out instructions regarding the size, type, and density of wood required. As David is constructing the fire, point out the fundamental errors of his system and state that it is not the way you have seen it done on Survivor. Explain the tee-pee method of stick formation and its air circulation and flame consistency benefits. Once the fire is established, describe in detail how you prefer your sausages cooked, using pieces of bark as color swatches to indicate the hue required. During dinner, calculate the ratio of burned to unburned sausage and evaluate David’s ability to follow simple instructions at 17 percent. After dinner, state that it is a requirement while camping to sing songs around the campfire. When David declines, sing tracks from Billy Idol’s Greatest Hits CD. After asking David if he thinks your hair would look good styled like Billy Idol’s, point out his obvious lack of fashion sense using the green cap and beige pants example.
Step 9
Declare that you are tired and wish to go to bed. If David replies that he will sit by the fire for a while, inform him that you are camping together and to douse the fire with a bucket of water. Once in the tent, state that you always sleep naked and are not going to alter this just because you are camping. Wait until David is in his sleeping bag before requesting he retrieve your book from the car due to your being naked, not tired, and wishing to read for a while by torchlight. On his return, point out the fact that the torch is flat and that it takes AA batteries. Lie in the dark for several minutes before declaring that you are bored and that there may be a mosquito in the tent. Ask, “Did you hear that?” and “Are you asleep?” every five minutes. Describe how uncomfortable you are and what you are missing on television, and hum tracks from Billy Idol’s Greatest Hits CD.
Step 10
Wake David at 1 a.m. and inform him that you want to make a bow and arrow. List the protection and hunting benefits of such. If David states that it is the middle of the night and there is no string for the bows, inform him that clocks are not part of camping and quote Lord Baden-Powell in regard to the string. Take this opportunity to point out a small hole in the tent and ask David if he thinks it is large enough for spiders to get through. Describe in depth a television program you saw on Discovery Channel about wasps laying eggs in spiders.
Step 11
Wake David at 1:30 a.m. and ask if he thinks the hole is large enough for wasps to get through.
Step 12
Wake David at 2 a.m. and tell him that you do not remember switching the iron off after ironing your cargo pants and that you are very concerned about the fact. Inform him that this will require cutting the camping trip short, packing up first thing in the morning and driving home. State that on the plus side, you just remembered the new series of V starts tomorrow night on television and this means that you will not miss it. List science fiction shows from the seventies and eighties that you think should be redone for today’s audience.
Step 13
During the drive back, insinuate continuously that the Billy Idol CD has gone missing on purpose. State every half hour that you really felt like listening to it.
Massanutten mini-golf, water slides, and bears
Massanutten is a small holiday community in Virginia, with a population currently comprising of two thousand old people, their cats, one Australian on a tourist visa, his beautiful partner, and a dog named Further. Me being an Australian, the town of Massanutten is like another planet to me. A heavily wooded planet founded by Norman Rockwell and colonized by John Deere tractor owners with a vision that included water slides and mini-golf.
Along with mini-golf, water slides, old people, cats, one Australian, his partner, and a dog named Further, Massanutten apparently has bears. I haven’t seen any yet, but that is only, I assume, due to most people following rules outlined in section 9 of the MPOA Agreement.
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 7 October 2010 11:04 a.m.
To: [email protected]
Subject: Bears
Dear Sir and/or Madam,
I have received a request for seventy-five of my dollars for putting my trash out for collection without securing it inside a bear-proof container. Due to a series of events the night before, I forgot to put my trash out and had to run it out the next morning, after hearing the collection truck approach.