by David Thorne
As regulations govern actions only within certain defined limits and thereby justify all similar actions that lie outside those limits, I request that my offense is changed from “Unsecured trash” to “Secured trash, barring the possibility of bears formulating a strategy in which to take advantage of the few minutes between deposit and collection.”
Regards, David
From: Patricia Jennings
Date: Thursday 7 October 2010 5:16 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Bears
Hello Mr. Thorne
Section 9 of the MPOA Agreement which you would have signed clearly states that trash must be secured. The reason we have these rules is so that bears and other large animals are not attracted to the area. This is for everyones safety. All bear sightings should be reported immediately to the MPOA. A ladys cat was almost bitten by a bear just a few weeks ago near the mini golf course.
Patricia
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 7 October 2010 9:12 p.m.
To: Patricia Jennings
Subject: Re: Re: Bears
Dear Pat,
Due to the abundant supply of cats in the area, I’m surprised bears bother with the trash at all. As I have run over at least four cats this week and one of those did not put up much of a chase, it may be suggested that elderly residents and their cats pose more of an attraction for bears than unsecured trash. For the safety of all residents, section 9 of the MPOA Agreement should probably be amended to state that all cats and their elderly owners be kept in bear-proof containers.
While out walking this evening, I witnessed several cats having some kind of cat meeting on the sidewalk ahead of me. Possibly discussing the local bear problem. After reading that a bear recently ate a lady’s cat in the area and hearing a twig snap in the shadows behind me, I decided to take the shortest route home by cutting through the Massanutten mini-golf facilities. Managing to scale the three-meter fence via fear and a trash can, I slipped, caught my back pants pocket on one of the pointy metal bars, and hung there for several minutes before managing to wriggle out of them—dropping to safety and to the right of hole 7. Fashioning temporary legwear by removing my jumper and placing my legs in the sleeves, figuring they would look like Hammer pants to people driving by, I left the premises by climbing the papier-mâché boulders near hole 16, leaping onto the ticket hut roof, and dropping down the other side to safety. If my shoes had not been soaked and slippery from the pond to the right of hole 7, I am pretty sure I would have made it on the first attempt. While not pointing any blame, I quite liked those pants, because they fit really well and cost me around seventy-five dollars.
Also, as per your instructions to report bear sightings immediately, I have attached a photograph taken outside my premises a few minutes ago. I apologize for the quality but was fearful of getting too close due to the fact bears constrict and consume their prey whole, taking several days to fully digest. As I have a short attention span and would prefer a quick death, such as removing my helmet in space, I request you send assistance immediately.
Regards, David
From: Patricia Jennings
Date: Friday 8 October 2010 2:26 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Bears
I checked with Carol at the mini golf hut and no pants were found on the fence. I doubt any of that really happened. That looks like a dog with a blanket on it. I’m not going to waste anyones time sending an officer out to check that.
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 8 October 2010 2:51 p.m.
To: Patricia Jennings
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bears
Dear Pat,
If Carol from the mini-golf hut has time to check the perimeter for pants, why not send her? While issuing me a seventy-five dollar fine by justifying it is for the safety of others, you seem pretty quick to dismiss mine. As people rely on your protection from bears and your position consists entirely of not waiving fines issued, to ensure the compliance of regulations that protect people from bears, you should probably send out a memo or something stating that we are on our own in an emergency situation. On the back of the memo, you could include instructions on making a pointy stick to protect us with.
I own a gun but am unsure if a bear shot with a Daisy .177 caliber BB air rifle purchased from Wal-Mart for $39.75 would be wounded or just pissed off. While testing the rifle last week, my offspring was definitely the latter. I have heard that the best way to protect yourself during a bear attack is to roll into a tight ball and cover your face, but I am pretty sure a flame-thrower or a special suit that metal spikes spring out of when you press a button would be more effective. I have also heard that music soothes the savage beast, but the last time I sang Whitney Houston’s “The Greatest Love of All” to my offspring, it had the opposite effect, despite what I considered to be an excellent reproduction of her tonal range.
Although wary, after reading recently that a bear ate a lady and her cat in the area, I decided to risk leaving the premises in order to drive to your office and pay the fine. Unfortunately, possibly due to an unsecured Snickers bar on the dashboard, the bear is now in my vehicle, and I am unable to do so. Please send assistance immediately as I have also run out of cigarettes and need to drive to the shop. If you send Carol, please ask her to stop on the way and grab me a pack. While you may not class this as an emergency or possible danger to others, you haven’t seen me after two hours without nicotine.
Regards, David
From: Patricia Jennings
Date: Friday 8 October 2010 3:18 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bears
I wont be sending an officer because your not in any danger at all. You have obviously just put a blanket on a dog while it is sitting in your car and taken a photo. If you want to express your opinion on trash collection rules you are welcome to attend the next MPOA community meeting which is held each month. Not understanding the importance of bear safety doesnt mean you dont have to follow the rules. I’m not even sure what your point is.
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 8 October 2010 4:22 p.m.
To: Patricia Jennings
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bears
Dear Pat,
My point is, barring the possibility of strategy-formulating bears, stating my actions constitute a punishable breach of regulations structured to protect the community only enables you to be wrong with authority, not right.
Contrary to your statement, I do understand the importance of bear safety. Several years ago, I went camping with a few associates and thought it would be amusing to jump out of bushes while wearing a bear suit. Renting the only bear costume available, which was a koala, I altered it as best I could to make it look frightening by taping down the fluffy ears, adding sharp cardboard teeth, and constructing two downward slanting eyebrows with electrical tape. While sitting around the campfire, I excused myself, donned the concealed costume, and leaped out, yelling, “Rawr!” Moments later, I realized the screaming and falling back off chairs was not due to my wearing a bear costume but the fact that I was standing in the fire while wearing a bear costume made of polyester. After a two-hour drive to the nearest hospital, I underwent three weeks of skin-grafting on my left leg and six months of hearing about how I ruined the camping trip. To this day, when anyone asks about the scars, I simply state, “It involved a camping trip and a bear—I don’t like to talk about it,” which is true, because I don’t. While I was in the hospital, my mother went to my apartment to get some clothes for me and found my porn collection, so it is a touchy subject.
Also, while I was able to persuade the bear to exit my vehicle by pretending to be an old lady looking for her cat, it is now inside my premises. Although not immediately evident from the attached photograph, the bear is sitting between me and the television remote control, located on the cushion to its left. As this effectively cuts off my abilit
y to change channels and The View just started, this should be classed as an emergency situation. If I wanted to watch a group of old women carry on, I would attend an MPOA community meeting.
Regards, David
From: Patricia Jennings
Date: Friday 8 October 2010 5:03 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bears
Fine. I will waive the amount this time if you agree to make sure all your trash is secure in future.
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 8 October 2010 5:16 p.m.
To: Patricia Jennings
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bears
Dear Pat,
Regardless of whether you waive the fine or not, and despite conditional terms added to reassert authority, I will continue to secure trash correctly. Not because it is a rule, but because it is a logical rule to follow. Despite my continuing doubt as to the ability of bears to plan and execute maneuvers requiring SWAT team precision, I will also do so regardless of the time frame between deposit and collection. Not because it is a logical rule to follow, but because it is a rule.
How about you agree to waive the fine and I promise not to e-mail you the remaining eighty-six photos of my dog dressed as a bear?
Regards, David
From: Patricia Jennings
Date: Friday 8 October 2010 5:24 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Bears
Agreed.
Bill’s guide to everything on the Internet
Hello, my name is Bill, and welcome to my guide to the Internet. Basically, everything on the Internet is rubbish, but I will try to pinpoint the main areas to avoid. The Internet is full of idiots writing rubbish for other idiots to read. If I want to find something out I will ask someone or read a book. I paid more than three thousand dollars for my complete leather-bound set of Funk & Wagnalls in 1967, and if it is not in there, then it is not worth knowing. Also, man will walk on the moon before I have a Facebook page.
Google
When I was young and I wanted to know something, I was beaten for being too inquisitive. That’s the problem with the young people today: They have a Google answer for everything. If they had to walk to their local library every time they had something stupid to ask, they would ask a lot fewer stupid questions.
Google Images
Google Images is useless. I used it once to search for a photo of farm equipment, and it showed me twenty thousand pictures of horse dicks.
Blogging
I read a blog once by someone who had bought a scarf, and he went on for about three hundred paragraphs about his scarf and where he bought it and how it made him feel. The last time I bought a scarf, I wore it. End of story. I didn’t write a novel about it.
Chat Rooms
If I wanted to chat with strangers, I would pick up the phone and press random numbers. I tried a chat room once and was talking to a guy who claimed he was an obese fifty-three-year-old man living in a caravan park, but there is no way of knowing if these people are telling the truth.
The Bath Mat
I realize this is not Internet-related, but I cannot understand why it is so hard for people to hang the bath mat over the bath when they are finished using it. I don’t leave the mat all soggy for other people to walk on after I have been in there.
Twitter
Why would I want anybody I don’t know knowing what I am doing? I don’t yell out to everyone in the supermarket, “I am buying oranges!” So why would I want to do it on my Internet? When I was young, I lived in a small village where everybody knew each other and knew what everyone was up to. There was a fat Italian kid who lived next door to me named Tony. One day I shot him in the leg with a homemade bow and arrow from my tree house that overlooked his yard, and his parents called the police. Within hours the entire village was calling me William Tell. Having escaped the small town mentality for the last fifty-two years, I am hardly going to advertise my movements now.
Facebook
I have a photo album on my bookshelf full of faces of people I know that I haven’t opened since 1982, so why would I want their faces on my Internet ? None of them are even very good looking. I tried Facebook to see what all the fuss was about and was only on there five minutes before some idiot “Poked” me. It is easy to be brave when you are on the Internet.
Reddit /Digg
These sites are the online equivalent of walking down the street, finding a rock shaped like a frog, and holding it up in the air while yelling for all my neighbors to come out and tell me what they think of my frog-shaped rock. My neighbors can all go to hell. Especially Mrs. Carter in number three who leaves her bins out all week. If I did find a rock shaped like a frog, I would throw it at her.
eBay
If I wanted a house full of cheap, dirty, secondhand rubbish, I would go to a garage sale in Klemzig.
E-mail
People are always sending me all kinds of rubbish. Why would I want dozens of pictures of lots of love cats? I hate cats. I went away for a week recently, and when I got back and checked my e-mail, I had eight hundred and forty-three messages. Eight hundred and forty of these were adverts for Viagra, and the other three were pictures of lots of love cats. I bought a “No junk mail” sticker and stuck it on my modem, but nobody has taken any notice.
/b/
I spent a good hour on this site and still have no idea what it is for. All I could work out is that I am apparently a “newfag” and cannot “triforce” but am unsure as to why I would need to triforce in the first place. I asked some of the people on there for their advice regarding triforcing, but the only answer I seemed to get was “nigger.”
SA Police protecting society from blogs
Having written an article where I stated that I wished to purchase drugs and sell them at a profit, I was contacted by Michael the Police Officer, who kindly pointed out to me that it is a criminal offense to solicit money with the intent to purchase drugs and sell them at a profit. As such, I amended the previous article accordingly.
Also, I actually spent the weekend in jail recently due to unpaid parking fines. Adelaide police are an interesting bunch, and when I stated that I was vegetarian, I was given a raw potato to last me the two days.
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 26 February 2010 8:12 p.m.
To: Michael Harding
Subject: Censorship
Dear Michael,
Thank you for your letter. At no time have I condoned the use of drugs.
I simply stated that I wish to purchase and sell them at a profit. I do however understand the importance of censorship. Without an enforced system of guidance from agencies such as yours, people would be forced to exercise their own discretion.
Regards, David
From: Michael Harding
Date: Saturday 27 February 2010 10:27 a.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Censorship
David, your obvious disrespect for authority doesn’t change the fact that soliciting money for the purpose of purchasing and selling drugs is a criminal offense under South Australian law. I advise you to remove the article and I will check that you have done so by 5pm tomorrow.
Yours sincerely, Michael Harding
From: David Thorne
Date: Saturday 27 February 2010 10:44 a.m.
To: Michael Harding
Subject: Re: Re: Censorship
Dear Michael,
Despite your assumption, I have the highest amount of respect for authority. I actually wanted to become a police officer but failed the IQ test when I arrived on time at the correct building.
While not exactly a police officer, when I was about eight I desperately wanted to be Tom Selleck from Magnum PI. I painted my Standish Selecta-12 bright red and constructed a mustache by clipping a large amount of hair from the neighbor’s cat and gluing it to my upper lip. This is how I discovered my allergy to cat h
air. As I was dragged to my neighbor’s house, my apology through lips the size of bananas came out as “Imsryfrctnheroffyrcat iwntdtobemgnumpi.” I also wanted to be frozen and thawed out in the twenty-fifth century due to Wilma Deering’s jumpsuit, but despite emptying the refrigerator and sitting in it for over an hour, the only result was mild hypothermia and a belting.
I have been considering sitting the police exam again, as protecting the community from burglars, murderers, and blogs must be very fulfilling. I am fairly fit due to regularly thinking about jogging, and I once performed a jumping jack. It was unintentional and involved a spider on the bath mat but still counts. I am also experienced in self-defense and recently built a moat. Sometimes, I dress as a French mime and pretend to walk against a strong wind, to the delight of those around me. Everybody loves a mime. This skill would obviously come in quite useful during police stealth operations.