by Mark Reece
She was very affectionate on their way home, resting her head on his shoulder as soon as they sat on the train. He put his hand around her waist and watched the landscape pass. They jolted apart whenever crossing a zone boundary before reaching out for each other again. To his surprise, he saw many things that he had never seen before, and thought that he was always so busy that he must rarely see what was before him. When travelling to and from work, he stared blankly with glassy commuter eyes, seeing as if in a waking dream whilst compartmentalising the work he had done and needed to do, all images seeming only an extension of himself.
Aislin was very still, her breathing audible and regular. Ethan shifted on his seat and she cleared her throat with soft irritation before settling down again. The easiest way to deal with everything would be to talk to her. If only I knew how she would react. He stroked Aislin’s hair, pleased to see her unambiguously happy for once.
When they reached their stop, they decided that they were too tired to cook, so they went to their Indian fac. They ordered and Ethan looked out at the gathering darkness. It was late autumn, when night descends as stealthily as an assassin, when one can talk awhile then be no longer able to see beyond the window of one’s room when one looks outside. Harsh streetlights gave the suburb the air of a metropolis.
“I was going to wait till we got home, but I wanted to… Here, I’ve got you something…”
Ethan thrust the bag, which he had hidden in his lap, across the table. Now that they were together, he felt embarrassed and could not bring himself to explain.
“What is it?”
He smiled at her, and she rolled her eyes when taking out the elephant.
“Thank you.”
“There’s something else.”
When she opened the box, she looked at the necklace a moment before walking around the table and hugging him so hard that his neck ached. When she returned to her seat, Ethan saw a solitary tear on her cheek.
“I’m touched.”
He was about to launch into an explanation about why he had got her a present, but instead put his hand on hers and they looked out of the window together.
He did not know what to say for several minutes, and when their food arrived, Aislin told him about her day.
“What did you want to talk about then?” Ethan asked.
“Nothing major really, nothing that’s a big deal. Just… various things…” Aislin scratched her nose. “It was just about work and a few other bits.”
“Go on.”
“I’ve found it hard going lately having to do all this travelling. It’s over an hour to get to work and over an hour to get to mum and dad’s; I’m in the middle of nowhere.”
“It has been tiring you out.”
“I know. And as well… I don’t know, we’ve been drifting along… you seemed to be not very happy with how things are going.”
She frowned at him.
“No, it’s not that, I’m sorry if that’s what you thought…” He looked away. “It’s just… I don’t know, it’s what our jobs are like, it’s a life we’ve chosen rather than a career. I always say that when whatever project I’m on has finished then things will get back to normal, but there is no normal. The problem is that too many people are too comfortable. They forget how important the things we’re looking at are. You have to save the management from themselves but that takes so much time.”
“That’s why you’ll be running the place soon.”
“Yeah right.”
“You will though. I know that you… anyway, thank you for today.”
“It’s okay… it’s okay…”
“I’ve been thinking recently that the organisation might not be the place for me to get ahead. They might even outsource the whole of HR and I’ll have to start at the bottom somewhere else. What I wanted to ask you… I want us to live together.”
“I want to as well.”
She pushed her thumb into the side of his hand and her smile turned her face into a series of dimples. Despite all the reservations he had had in the past, Ethan had answered without hesitation. He knew that she was not serious about leaving the organisation. No one ever left.
“So… what do you think would be the best thing to do? Would you want to sell your house and…?”
“Why don’t we get a new place? That way it’ll be ours. Anyway, I think it’s starting to get bad round by you, with the window and everything. Why don’t we have a quick look when we get back?”
“Okay.” Ethan thought that in the best case scenario it would take several months to sell their houses, and longer if they were in a chain. Although he was happy with his decision, he felt glad that he had that time cushion. “I’m sorry about everything that’s gone on, I know I get distant sometimes. It’s hard not being able to talk about what I get up to during the day.”
“Why, do you want to tell me something about you and Mo?”
“You’d know if there was something going on between us. I wouldn’t be able to walk.”
Aislin laughed then shook her head. “I know what you’re like, I was just worried that you were getting bored, that’s all. You’re obviously younger at heart than me. When I joined up, I thought about nothing other than work and promotion. I feel old at twenty-eight now. Everyone I speak to is getting married and having kids, it’s weird.”
“Yeah… yeah…”
“And the job… after a while, you… lose enthusiasm, I suppose. It just ends up seeming like a load of rules, like a strange game.”
“You sound run down, that’s all. It’s nothing to worry about.”
“Anyway, let’s not go over everything again. I’ve not finished yet.”
“Oh? You’ve not got more revelations for me, have you? I don’t know how much more of this I can take, I’m already this emotional.” He held his shaking hand by his forehead.
“Stop it, you. What I was going to say was that my dad wants me to go with him to Ireland, to the town where he was born. He rang yesterday and said that he’s lost touch with his homeland. He started telling me all this stuff that he’s told me loads of times before, about when he was naughty at school, things like that. But now he says that he’s got to see whether his hometown is still there. He’s going at the end of the week.”
“Right…”
“I know, it sounds mad doesn’t it? He was getting really upset though. He was almost crying at one point and he’s not cried his whole life. He didn’t cry when his mum died.”
Ethan nodded.
“He says he wants me to go with him. So he can show his little girl her roots, he said.”
“So… what are you going to do then?”
“The way he was talking about it… I’ve got to go, Eth. I know how mad it sounds, but I have to.”
“How long does he want to go for?”
“A month.”
“A month?”
“Yeah…” she said apologetically, looking out the window while stroking his palm with her little finger.
“Erm… what does your mum say?”
“You know what she’s like, she doesn’t say anything these days. She just accepts whatever he does.”
“And what do you think?”
She sighed. “It’s so hard to say. In some ways, he’s always been like this. But I suppose it is strange that he’s getting worse as he gets older. Most people get boring.”
“Haven’t we already had three weeks off this year?”
“I can take it unpaid. They put out an e-mail about unpaid leave a while ago. They don’t mind you doing it now, with the budgets and everything. If you do it at a time to suit them, anyway.”
“Ash, are you sure he’s all right? I know what you’re saying, but this does seem… out of the blue.”
“Yeah, I think so. It’s just something he’s got in his head. He’s ob
viously been thinking about it for ages, the detail he went into about things. I can’t remember half of what I did yesterday in as much detail as the stuff he was going on about from forty years ago.”
“I want to come with you.”
“He said that he wanted it to be just the two of us.”
Despite what he had just said, Ethan was glad that that was the case. “Well… it looks like that’s what you’ve got to do then. Can I ask one thing though? If he isn’t better when you get back… just speak to someone about whether he needs help with things. I mean, help around the house and that. We just need to… you know… make sure he’s all right.”
She nodded then leant forward and kissed him.
“I will do. And you’ll have time to start researching houses and everything while I’m away.”
“Yeah… yeah…”
Ethan suddenly felt discomforted.
“Has Dan come to a conclusion about transferring?”
“Erm… I haven’t spoken to him for ages.”
“You’ve never spoken to him about it, have you?”
“I have. I have mentioned it, I just haven’t pushed the point. It’s hard to get hold of him when he doesn’t want anything from you.”
“Ethan, I thought you just said that you were going to think about us a bit more now? There’s no point us living together and me coming back to an empty house every day.”
“I think…” Ethan looked at her and wished that he had not started speaking, as the pause became unnaturally long very quickly, “… well, I don’t think transferring is a solution. The organisation is the same everywhere. It’s just a matter of… being stronger with them…”
“Ethan… I don’t think that’s ever going to happen…” Her voice cracked, which immediately made him feel that he was about to cry. “… I want you to have sorted something out by the time I get back. I’m not saying it’s got to be a transfer if you’re committed to being an investigator. Come to some formal agreement about your hours, whatever. But I need you to show me what’s most important to you.”
“Okay.”
“No, it’s not a one-word answer. Things will have changed when I get back or I’ll know that you don’t want us to be together.” Aislin reflexively made her right hand into a fist and cradled it with her left.
“Look… I understand. When things go so far… I know what I need to do now. Go and sort out your dad and everything will be fine by the time you get back.”
She smiled and drew a circle on his hand. Ethan looked around nearby tables, his emotion of a moment earlier having dissipated into annoyance when she had said that he was an investigator. No one gave any indication that they had heard anything.
After having finished with all the serious topics, they chatted and enjoyed themselves for the rest of the evening before driving to his house. Aislin did not leave until very late.
As soon as he closed his eyes, Ethan was in the ocean, drowning from the very first moment. He swam in circles, tendrils all around. He somehow retained a dream memory of how much touching them had hurt. He watched his limbs changing colour as they filled with water.
Seven
Ethan woke the following morning with a jump, and the familiar surroundings seemed strange, as if he had forgotten that his life would have to continue unchanged a while. He felt tired in a way that he had not known since before his sleep problems. For the past two weeks, he had often felt a preternatural sense of normality before falling asleep, like a man with a terminal disease who convinces himself that he will make a recovery on the basis of a sudden lack of pain. Ethan had grown to fear that listless calm, to distrust himself. The Icks must have done something to me. Maybe injected me with something. Bastards. Bastards. There had long been rumours about them developing secret technology to manipulate their targets’ dreams. He had not given those reports any credence before. Now, anything seemed possible.
As he got up, his shoulders felt stiff, which made everything he lifted seem heavier than it should be. Then there was the constant dullness behind his eyes, which felt puffy no matter how many times he rubbed them, that seemed somehow connected to the dry itchy feeling in his hair. In one sense, he hated feeling that way. However, it also gave him a strange relief that he was experienced enough to cope with that level of tiredness.
Ethan decided to drive to avoid the hazy sensation that the train induced, and the familiar sights gave him the sense that he was on top of his life and work, that nothing of any importance happened outside them, that the world was but a reflection of his frustrated dreams, that everything was gnawingly the same as it had always been or could ever be.
He could not rest his head in his hands, his nose bobbing against cold glass while he absorbed the landscape, like he did when on the train, and his vision rejected any excess stimuli, turning the suburbs into marshmallow: pallid colours, buildings that seemed to sway as he passed, objects straining too hard to be real.
The feeling persisted when he walked his usual route from the car park to the SDMA building. His physical discomfort lessened as he went, the mild exercise jolting him into acceptance of what was happening, his sleepiness instead projected on his surroundings, giving him a constant sense of colours being out of synch, that they were bleeding into each other, that his brain was not being updated quickly enough. Those were the familiar, crude yet vibrant, sensations roused by exhaustion.
Ethan’s eyes focused when he went through the first lip-shaped security barrier. Dots of colour shone in his eyes, making his vision spin as if he were on a roundabout.
Mohammed nodded at him when he reached his desk.
“You all right?” Ethan asked.
“Cool. How you doing?”
“Yeah good. Is dweeb in yet?”
“Don’t think so. He hasn’t been out here this morning. Not that that proves anything. You mates with him now, are ya?”
Ethan smiled. “Don’t worry, you don’t have to get jealous. I just need to tell him to do a few things.”
Mohammed laughed silently. Ethan switched on his computer. The police officer dealing with the robbery had replied to his e-mail to say that he could not make the meeting after all, but that he would send the relevant material to SDMA headquarters. Ethan tapped his fingers against the keyboard, then said, “I’ve got some news for ya.”
“Okay.”
“I’m telling you now so you don’t get the wrong idea if you overhear anything… well, me and Aislin were talking about stuff last night, about how difficult it is to see each other with all the travelling… Anyway, we’re going to get a new house and move in together… it’s not going to be for a bit yet, we’re going to put both our houses up for sale and God knows how long that’ll take. But that’s what we’re going to do.”
“That’s brilliant, mate. Genuinely. I’m pleased for ya. Hasna won’t stop talking about it tonight.”
“You tell Hasna about what me and Ash get up to?”
“Course. She loves all that stuff. She says you sound cute when I tell her about you.”
“Cute? Anyway, changing the subject, I’ve got a work-related question.”
“Go on.”
“Okay. I’ve got to find out what the term ‘Iklonian five’ means. You ever heard of it?”
“No. Where’s it come up, in one of the case files?”
“Yeah, yeah. Are you all right to research it for me? The only reason I ask is because I’ve got to do another progress report for Dan by the end of the month and I’ve got a hundred and one other things to do before then.”
“Okay, what does it relate to, can you narrow down what to look for?”
“Sorry, I know next to nothing about it except that it was mentioned in an intelligence report somewhere. I’ll need you to run searches through every system; start with the case files and Mirror, then anywhere else you can think of: miscellaneou
s reports, anything from the hotline, from the internal files, anywhere.”
“Oh, man. You’re taking advantage of me now. Just because I love you doesn’t mean I’ll bend over for you.”
“And there’s one more thing.”
“Another thing? Are you kidding me?”
“I’m gonna have to go to the basement at some point about this so I need the right references. You can’t tell anyone about this, not even dweeb…”
“That’s not likely. I don’t say morning to the bloke if I can help it.”
“Well, keep it that way.”
“I tell you what, you’re on your way now, hobnobbing with porters and everything. Why’ve you got to go there?”
“Just to check a few original files for bits and pieces. Nothing major.”
“Okay, mate. Going to the basement is ‘nothing major’ these days. You’ll be having the prime minister over for tea next and she’ll be curtsying you.”
Ethan smiled then they both started typing. He had no choice but to get the information this way, because if the DIA had tried to set him up then he could not afford to have any evidence of the term stored on his computer. He did not think about it any further that morning.
His stabilised condition helped his concentration, and that afternoon, he made two further breakthroughs. Firstly, by overlaying electricity prices from United Power with SDMA statistics, he was able to posit a direct link between attacks on power infrastructure and the retail price of electricity, giving further credence to his theory that some of the incidents were carried out as part of a wider plan. There were some incongruities in the information that he needed to further research, but that would be much easier now that there was only one utility company to deal with. When he had first joined the SDMA, there had been three, each of which had their own mutually incompatible way of recording their data, which had been a nightmare.