Elemental Fear

by Ada Frost

  The sound of high heels resonated throughout the room, startling both of us. He quickly sat back in his chair, adjusting his suit jacket and picking his coffee back up. I roughly pulled my sleeve over my hands, balling them into fists to hide as much as I could. I angrily swiped at the tears in my eyes.

  “Hi, Evelyn,” said Jill. She was so sweet and quietly gentle; she always had a warm welcoming smile. Dad was her brother, and when she married, they bought the house next door to ours, which at the time was their parents’ house. Tragically, when Dominic was 6 years old his dad died in a motorbike collision. I often wondered how Jill remained a bright and sunny person with all the tragedy she’d had to face.

  Dominic smiled at her as she passed. They had a wonderfully close relationship. Dominic adored his mother and vice versa. Although he easily could afford his own house, he remained living with his mum. Dad always teased him saying, ‘son you are too tight to part with a fart.’

  “Hi,” I repeated Jill’s greeting.

  “So, is it nice having my darling boy home?” She beamed. Before I could answer, she added, “And has Dominic told you the news?”

  I looked puzzled at her and then at Dominic, who shifted uncomfortably in his chair. I swear I saw his cheeks flush with colour ever so slightly.

  “Mother, please, come on!” He looked mortified.

  I shook my head and smiled at him.

  “Vanessa asked him to marry her,” she said, clapping her hands in excitement.

  “What?” I gasped in shock.

  “We discussed it. Nothing has been finalised,” he replied curtly.

  “It was a marriage proposal, Dominic, not a contract negotiation,” she said in annoyance. “Oh, and Vanessa...”

  “I have not decided anything,” Dominic interrupted.

  Jill looked at him, stunned, and a little hurt. She turned her back to him and continued pouring a coffee. He ran his hands along the lapel of his jacket nervously. I couldn’t help but stare at him, shocked by his changed attitude.

  Dominic and Vanessa met around the same time Elliott decided we were going to be a couple. Dominic was very private about his relationship, and this was part of his life he found hard to confide in me about. I found out things about him and Vanessa from his mum Jill, I think she was getting desperate for some grandchildren. Vanessa lived in the city 20 miles away, she was a pediatrician at St James’ Hospital. Until now, I had never noticed how odd it was that we never talk openly about her. He genuinely looked uncomfortable discussing her in front of me.

  Jill started walking out of the kitchen, and paused. “Eve, sweetheart, before I forget, ask your mum if lamb is okay for Sunday lunch this week. It’s our turn to have you all over. And, Dominic, invite Vanessa or I will,” she added, clearly annoyed with her son. I looked at Dominic. The muscle along his jaw strained under his cleanly shaven skin. She left the room with neither of us answering her.

  “You okay?” I said, looking away as he lifted his gaze to me.

  “I guess we both have stuff we don’t want to talk about.”

  His rejection hurt. I looked up at him, and he had his gaze fixed on his mug, his blue eyes shaded by his long dark lashes.

  I stood, took my mug to the sink and poured the contents down the drain. I couldn’t face staying to drink it.

  “Can we go now?” I asked quietly.

  He let out a frustrated sigh and grabbed his keys and briefcase.

  Chapter 2

  I sat down at my desk and switched my desktop on. I looked through the papers on my desk and started to prioritise my day’s work from programming analytical data into the lab computer to showing graduate students around the laboratory. I tried to clear the fog of hurt whirling around inside after Dominic shot me down in his kitchen. The drive to work was excruciatingly quiet, we never uttered a word to one another, and I wanted to, I wanted nothing more than to clear the air, but his clenched jaw warned me to stay quiet.

  “You forgot this,” Dominic said, placing my bag on the desk. His hand lingered over it. “I’m sorry.” He whispered before walking towards his office.

  I’d upset and angered my only friend. Elliott hated my friendship with his brother so we avoided each other when he was around. It sounded curious to do that, but it was easier that way. I felt genuinely relaxed with Dominic around, like the painful world I sometimes lived in didn’t exist. He made me believe people didn’t always live with such hatred in their hearts. My mind forced the images of last night upon me, the pain as Elliott’s belt lashed into my back, the loud slap of it hitting my bare flesh, the sting as he thrashed and trashed until he pushed me to the bed, the smell of his whisky-soaked breath against my cheek. He had nipped at my flesh, forcing my legs apart as he held my wrists tightly above my head. I’d felt his thing pushing hard against me impatiently trying to find the right place. Then he’d forced his way in. How the pain had scorched my insides as he pushed in again and again, making disgusting grunting sounds until he found his release. His leering, “good girl,” as he rolled off me and exited to the bathroom to clean himself up made me want to vomit.

  I continued to stare at the papers in my hand. I could feel myself beginning to lose control. It couldn’t happen here, it never happened here. Work was my safe place. My hands started shaking, and I knew I had to muster the strength to move; I needed to escape before anyone saw me disintegrate into a mess. I shakily placed the papers on the table, put my hand on the hard wood of my desk and pushed with all the strength I could, to get my shaking legs to stand. I turned in the direction of the restrooms and gripped the edge of the desk to try and steady myself. I gasped for breath. I needed out. I needed to hide, but my body wouldn’t move. I was a shivering mess, and seconds away from completely losing everything I had worked hard to hide from my colleagues. My vision blurred, I could hear sounds around me, but they were distant, muffled as if I was suddenly under water. I panted, I couldn’t breathe. My lungs burned as I gulped in large amounts of air, but nothing helped. I put my free hand, palm down, next to my other hand trying to steady myself. I needed to sit. Where was my desk? Things were beginning to get darker; my eyes didn’t want to focus.

  “Shh. It’s okay, I’ve got you.” I heard Dominic’s voice. I felt my body gently rocking back and forth. Where had he come from? Was he a dream?

  It took what felt like hours to compose myself enough to know where I was. Then I became suddenly aware we were sitting on the floor of my office. Dominic cradled me between his thighs. He sat with his back to the door, his legs bent out in front of him with me curled between. He had me held against his chest, stroking my hair with one hand, holding me around the waist with the other. He rocked us both in a soothing rhythm.

  “Shh,” he whispered again. I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes. Dominic’s scent was delightful. He didn’t wear heavy cologne but had a subtle fresh linen smell.

  “Come back to me,” he whispered.

  I shifted slightly, trying to move out of his touch, but he held me tighter. I didn’t panic; I didn’t hate it like I usually did when I was held so tightly by his brother. I did the opposite and relaxed into it.

  “Please tell me why this happens. I’m begging you to talk to me. Something isn’t right and I need you to tell me...why?”

  My family had moved next door to Dominic’s when I was three years old. Mum met Alan, my step dad, when I was thirteen months old. She refused to live with him or even let him meet me for nearly a year. She was terrified he would leave us as my biological father had when I was born. But he didn’t, and she married him just after my third birthday. We moved in when Dad and Jill inherited their parents’ house when they died in tragic circumstances. Dad agreed to pay Jill her half towards the house and made it his home.

  My mother and I left our home and moved in with him when they married. Dominic was ten and Elliott was twelve years old. Dominic was the sweetest, kindest person I have ever met. Elliott was ungracious, not really appreciating that he had to entertain
a kid. He wanted to be out with his friends.

  Out of the two, Elliott was extremely popular. He was a key player in all the school sports teams, particularly excelling in Rugby league. He was the boy you either wanted to be or be with, and he knew it. He played to his strengths and never showed a weakness. Whereas Dominic liked to remain in the shadow of his brother. He didn’t seek attention, nor did he go out of his way to pay attention to the many girls that would literally swoon over him. Both Layton boys were astonishingly good looking and no matter where they went, girls would stop and stare. Old ladies would even pay them compliments. While Elliott relished hitting puberty and discovering the joys of the opposite sex, Dominic remained ambivalent to the way he looked. I think he found the changing of his voice and body a little embarrassing.

  Elliott had forbidden me from spending personal time with Dominic. It’s restricted firmly to office hours only, and he doesn’t even like that. As children, Elliott and Dominic had a pretty stable sibling relationship. They weren’t best of friends, but they didn’t hate each other. As we grew up and hit adolescence, however, the rivalry had escalated to a point where they aggravated each other by simply being in the same room. The last fight I witnessed was three years ago when Dominic had involved himself in an argument Elliott and I were having in the woods.

  Dominic basically beat the crap out of Elliott.

  Backing onto our gardens to the rear of the house was a wooded area that was used as a recreational walk, mainly by ramblers or dog walkers. Elliott had dragged me out there away from prying eyes and ears. He wasn’t happy that I had gone out for a few drinks with some friends without telling him. Elliott had accused me of going without him to shack up with other men, which was absurd.

  The more I argued with him the angrier he got, shouting obscenities at me and eventually pushing me so hard I fell to the floor, scrapping my knees and hands on the roughage. That’s when Dominic came barreling through the trees straight into Elliott. Dominic rugby tackled him to the floor and started lacing punch after punch at Elliott’s face.

  The rage on his face was terrifying. I screamed and begged for him to stop, but nothing penetrated his frenzy so I ran to get my dad. I stayed in the house and watched as Dad sprinted in the direction of the woods. I sat watching at the window, scared what would happen. When Elliott walked out of the trees, I ran through the garden to him and put my hands out to hold him, but he just scowled at me and said, “this is your fault you silly bitch,” and pushed me to the side. He quickly turned to look in the direction of the woods as if checking to make sure Dominic wasn’t following, then headed straight inside. He had blood rushing from his nose, a cut above his eye and purple bruises swelling over his jaw, eye and chin.. Foliage tangled in his dark hair and stained his shirt. Quite frankly, he looked a mess. He held his ribs as if they hurt too. Tears welled in my eyes as I looked from Elliott, to dad and back into the trees.

  “Where’s Dominic?” I whispered to dad as he passed.

  He simply shook his head and pointed into the woods

  I looked back at the house to check that no one was looking and ran into the woods as fast as my legs would take me to find Dominic.

  “Dominic!” I called out. “Where are you?” I heard a twig snap behind me and turned. “Dominic!” I said again in a breathy whisper. Relief flooded me when I saw he wasn’t hurt.

  “I’m so sorry, Eve, I...when he...I know I shouldn’t have...oh God.” He fell to his knees, his head in his hands and started to shake.

  I ran forward and fell before him on my knees, pulling him into my arms. I stroked his hair soothing him. “Shh. Please, Dominic, this was my fault…”

  In a quick movement, he was out of my arms and cupping my face with his hands. “No matter what you do, or say to that shit head, you do not deserve that. I will never let him hurt you, Eve. He won’t do it again, I swear.”

  I held his gaze, his eyes glistened with tears, and he was absolutely beautiful. In that moment, there was only one thing I wanted to do. I lifted my hand to his cheek and caressed it. He melted into me. His hands moved into my hair, pulling me closer to him. My stomach fluttered and flipped with butterflies as his soft lips pressed against my forehead.

  “I think you should go,” he whispered, “before...”

  It was wrong and although I knew it was wrong, fear of losing this moment ripped through my heart. I couldn’t break the contact. I wanted more. I pressed myself against him and lifted my head to press my lips to his. I always imagined his lips would be perfect. I wasn’t prepared for the heavenly feeling of soft velvety lips stroking mine. I parted my lips to feel more of him and was rewarded by his silky tongue. A tear streaked down my face into our joined mouths. Salty tears moistened our joined lips. I pulled away, sobbing into his chest as the magnitude of events bolted through my mind.

  “We can forget this ever happened,” he whispered into my hair. “It doesn’t mean...anything. You’re upset. It doesn’t mean anything”

  That brought me back to reality. Realising I was still cradled in Dominic’s lap, I straightened quickly, sitting upright. “I’m fine. You can go,” I said, my tone flat and low.

  Dominic smiled at me. “It’s my office, Eve.”

  He placed his palm on my back just below my neck and started rubbing circles. I turned my head, confused after initially thinking we were in my office. Dominic must have carried me to his office, which was across a small corridor from mine.

  The movement of his hand was so soothing I could have just curled back into his arms, but I knew I would regret that.

  “I wish you would tell me why this happens. Did I upset you that much?” he asked, searching to gain eye contact.

  How could he think he had done this? It was my fault, not his. “It wasn’t...why would you think you upset me?” I couldn’t find the right words.

  “I snapped at you over Vanessa, and then you reacted like this,” he said. His hands reached out in display of my position. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I just...I don’t like talking about her with you.” He looked to the floor as he said it, and I felt a lump in my throat.

  I wanted to ask why; I needed to know why he wanted to close me out. Did he not trust me? Was he ashamed of me? A crushing sensation filled my chest; I started gasping for air. He sat up against me, pulling me to him again. His chest pressed against my shoulder. He used both hands to hold me to him. His chin pressed onto top of my head.

  As I started to breathe less violently, he slowly brought his lips down to the nape of my neck and whispered, “I didn’t mean it that way. You know I talk to you about stuff, but I can’t...talk about Vanessa.” He sighed, struggling to find the words so I wouldn’t freak out, I guess. I must seem like a complete idiot to him. “With you, talking about V. is different. It seems wrong...” he said in a defeated tone. His face almost pressed against the tender slope of my neck. I felt his breath against my skin. I shivered as goose bumps covered my body. I moved my head a fraction, just so I could feel his hair against my cheek. As I did, I swear I heard him let out a small groan. He placed his lips against my neck. I stopped breathing, I never wanted him to lift his head. He didn’t kiss me, his lips remained closed and unmoving but the contact was electric.

  I wanted him to kiss me. I sat there, not knowing what to say or how to move. He had his hands around me so tightly that I couldn’t move. When Dominic was there, when I had him close, my world made sense. The shadows were gone and I could allow myself to believe that one day I would be free of this pain. I could spend an eternity in Dominic’s arms. I wanted more than my next breath for his love to be aimed at me, and sometimes I did feel like he reciprocated my love for him, but I had to bury that feeling. I hid away from the hope of it. I denied it because I had no way out. Elliott controlled my life and always would.

  I shrugged out of Dominic’s grip, pushed myself from the floor and held out my hand to him.

  “Thank you, but I’m fine now,” I said very matter of fact. My tone
was as cold as I could make it so that he would realise I meant what I said. He shook my hand with a baffled expression and rose from the floor. He adjusted his suit jacket and tie, looked at me again, shook his head and I left him standing there before he could say anything more.

  I bypassed my office and retreated to the ladies room to compose myself. I stared at myself in the mirror, seeing a ghostly, sickly creature. I turned the tap on and splashed water at my face, hoping anything would revive my gaunt look. All I needed was to sleep, but that was a luxury that eluded me. Between the nightmares and debilitating fear, I found it easier to stay awake. When exhaustion would claim me, eventually waking in the morning was horrendous.

  I needed to try and at least look like someone presentable, I didn’t want to get fired, and more than that, I didn’t want to let Dominic down. I embarrassed him enough without adding to the list.

  I pulled my hair tie out and let my hair fall down my back. It fell just below my shoulder, because I’d not brushed or dried it before I left the house. It bounced into its natural curls, springing in all directions. My hair was chestnut brown with distinct flashes of natural sun bleached blond. I pulled it into a ponytail and tried to fasten it back but my tie broke. I raked my fingers through it to try and make it presentable, I was going to have to wear it loose, it wasn’t perfect but it looked much more presentable than it did. My only worry was when I went into the lab, I would have to find something to tie it up with.

  I walked out of the ladies no one had arrived yet, I really had arrived here a lot earlier than I needed to. I walked through the hall, past the adjoining offices. It was a long hallway that had six offices in total; four on one side and two on the other. To the side of my door was a small corridor which led to the main research laboratory. Past my office and the next one along was Johan’s office. The son of the CEO based at our sister company in America, he was the Developmental Director, but most of the time he was in the lab with me doing analysis. One office was actually a changing room, equipped with our lab coats and safety gear. The next one along was used for laboratory technicians to enter data and complete labeling. Dominic’s office was directly across from mine. I looked down at the pile of data and started programming results into the software. I enjoyed losing myself in paperwork. Thinking about anything but home made me survive.