Elemental Fear

by Ada Frost

  “I can hear the cogs of your brain working.” He muttered, keeping his eyes closed, startling me.

  “Thank you for today, for helping me and taking care of me.” I whispered.

  He took a deep breath and opened his eyes the bright blue sparkled at me “you don’t have to thank me. But Eve I never want to see you in that kind of pain again. He could have...” He drifted off closing his eyes. “You scared me, and I haven’t been that terrified in a long, long time honey.”

  “I'm okay, he didn’t –”

  “Let’s not lie anymore okay?” He said and I nodded at his solemn expression “He didn’t succeed this time, but what about the next?” He took another deep breath “the next words out of your mouth are going to be ‘this is the worst its ever been’ it can only – “

  “He’s done worse.” the look of absolute shock on Johan’s face at what I said mirrored my own shock that I’d actually admitted it aloud.

  “He...it gets worse than this, a lot worse.” I said thinking of his intimate violations, but I wasn’t ready to share that part with Johan.

  I closed my eyes and wondered how freeing it would be to say the beastly things aloud to someone, would he hate me after he found out how vile I really was. But when he spoke of his mother, he only had admiration and love in his eyes. But how was it possible to trust someone, particularly a man, after knowing him for such a short time. My relationship with Johan always felt so natural and calming that sometimes I did forget we had only been friends for a short time. He felt almost like a kindred brother. Dominic had always made me feel safe and cherished; he always had from us being small. My feelings for Johan were entirely different but just as profound. I trusted him without reason, I felt happy in his presence and it was easy to be near him, to be his friend. That’s probably why I had found myself explaining my dark relationship with Elliot.

  “I should have known from the start that a relationship with him would be nothing but bullying and intimidation, I blame myself for not seeing it coming. Or maybe I did and this is my penance for ignoring the signs,” I paused when I saw the absolute rage in Johan’s eyes as he shook his head. “When I conceded to be with him after...well...things happened...there was a build up to the violence, he started bullying me with verbally name calling, then pushing and shoving me. But then eventually it became this. Stupidly I’ve always been frightened by him. When we were kids I’d be at their house all the time and sometimes he would be really nice and others really horrible to me. See how pathetic I am?” I looked into Johan’s eyes expecting loathing and ridicule, but all I saw was compassion, almost as if he understood me.

  “You can’t blame yourself for that.” Johan said softly.

  I shook my head and continued “I’ve caused so many arguments between us. I can’t help the way I am, I’ve tried, I really have. I feel completely bogged down by everything in our relationship, I’m exhausted by it Johan.” I closed my eyes tightly.

  Johan wiped tears away from my cheeks I didn’t realise were there.

  “You’re in love with him aren’t you? That’s why Elliott punishes you or that’s what reasoning he gives you?”

  I let out a loud sob and nodded my head against the pillow.

  “It’s bullshit though, you know that right? He would still do this even if you thought he walked on water,” he said quietly. I shook my head; because I didn’t believe Elliott would be like this if I could love him. “I don’t understand why you and Dominic aren’t together, I've seen the way he looks at you, the feelings you have for him are definitely reciprocated. So why if you felt like this about him back then did you end up with his brother?”

  “Dominic may feel that way now, but he didn’t. I’m not an idiot, I do see how sometimes his attention is a little more than friendly, but I can’t allow myself to believe it...oh that makes no sense.” I let out a frustrated sigh. “When we were younger, he always thought of me –“

  “Dominic does not see you as a sister, I know that for certain. I definitely do not look at Marissa the same way he looks at you and she is my future sister-in-law.”

  “Like I say not now –“

  “Not ever.”

  “Shush this is my story.” Johan chuckled beside me.

  “When I was...mmm...probably seventeen, maybe a little before, I went to a party with some of my friends and Elliott. He abandoned me for a gorgeous red head and suffice to say I got absolutely hammered, so I rang Dominic to come get me, I didn’t want a bollocking from mum and dad. Well when we got home instead of taking me to my house next door, he said I could stay at his so that I wouldn’t get in trouble with my parents. His mum was out so we had the house to ourselves. I was sat on the kitchen worktop whilst he got me some water and something to eat. Anyway, to cut a long story short I kissed him, again, but yet again he pushed me away.”

  “I'm lost...so you were seeing Elliott at this time?”

  “Oh... no, sorry. The party happened ages before I got with Elliott, I was in the sulking over Dominic stage.” It was probably the last time I got drunk before the night Elliott took my virginity.

  “What happened?”

  “When?”

  “Dominic - the drunken kiss?” He laughed.

  “Well at first I thought he kissed me back, but then he jumped back like I’d burnt him –“

  “Those pouty lips you probably did.” Johan joked touching his index finger to my top lip.

  “Shut it!” I slapped his hand away jovially “He said that he couldn’t kiss me whilst I was drunk, that it was wrong and if I felt the same in the morning when I’d sobered up to go and talk to him.” my cheeks flushed with embarrassment thinking about throwing myself at him again and being rejected. “And what happened when you talked to him the next day?” Johan asked excitedly which made me smile.

  “What do you mean? I didn’t actually go to him.”

  “What why?” He asked incredulously.

  “Well it was his polite rejection and there was no way – “

  “Oh for God sake.” Johan rolled onto his back and covered his eyes with his palms. “I don’t fucking believe this shit.”

  “What?”

  “Sweetheart, Dominic was being a...gentleman. He didn’t want to take advantage of you whilst you were drunk, but he definitely wanted you. He gave you the opportunity to go to him when you were sober, to make sure it wasn’t a drunken fumble. Men that aren’t interested wouldn’t give you the option of a ‘tomorrow’.” He finger quoted the tomorrow.

  “Well why didn’t he come to me then?” I asked with a sinking feeling in my stomach.

  “Probably for the same reason you didn’t go to him – crossed fucking wires.” He turned to face me again “Eve, Dominic lives for you. It’s in every look he gives you, I catch him watching you at work with the same lost expression you have when you look at him. It’s sickening really, one of these days someone’s going to end up pregnant with the sexual tension from you two. He gave you the option of not having an embarrassing morning after. If he’d have fuc...I mean had sex with you that night, you’d have had to do the walk of shame the next day plus if you would have regretted a drunken fumble he’d have had to live with taking advantage of his best friend. Look at it from the dude’s perspective.”

  I wish Elliott had such a perspective.

  “I tried, but I also knew that he’s gone home with loads of girls from parties. He isn’t some holier than thou virgin Johan.”

  He let out an exhausted sigh “Those girls are not his best friend. You are probably his biggest gamble, it fucks up between you two and you both have shit from family to deal with. It’s not like a normal relationship where if it fails you go your separate ways. They also aren’t the girl he’s lusted after since discovering tits and ass.”

  I giggled and pushed his shoulder, but the movement reminded me of why I was lying in Johan’s bed shattering any happiness my heart may have felt.

  “So how did you end up with Elliot?”

/>   “Similar story really.” At Johan’s confused expression I elaborated.

  “I began to notice people outside of my ‘Dominic bubble’ and realised that Elliott was always around. If I went to friend’s parties, he and his friends would turn up, much to the delight of the other girls. I will admit before...he...you know...he was a good looking man. That saying don’t judge a book by its cover is ridiculously true with Elliot. He is definitely a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Most if not all the girls I knew fancied him. I also know he used quite a few of them, so really I should have expected -”

  “No sweetheart, no don’t do that. I’ve heard you say that enough today. This, any of it, is not even remotely your fault.”

  I nodded, but I knew Elliot wouldn’t have been this way if he’d have been with any other girl, he told me so.

  “So...” He motioned with his hand for me to continue.

  “He’d asked me out a few times, but my heart wouldn’t even consider wanting anyone else other than Dominic so I said no. He was persistent though, he would tell me how beautiful I was, when he told me a few days after the party about Dominic thinking of me as his little sister I was absolutely devastated, he told me that Dominic had told him about our kiss and that he was totally embarrassed and couldn’t face me.” I took a deep steadying breath at that recollection as it still stung then on top of that the news of his falling for Vanessa, he’d not had a serious girlfriend before her and the declaration of their relationship floored me. “After that I kind of withdrew a little, I didn’t want to go out with friends anymore, I kind of just sulked in my room. Elliott visited me and sat with me watching films and helping out with my homework, I guess I did start to like him more than just a friend would. He was really sweet to me and patient. Dominic came home from university in the holidays and started being unbelievably distant and obnoxious to me. He started ignoring me and shunning my friendship saying he was busy and needed to go see people he hadn’t seen in a while. But Elliott –“

  “Remained constant.” Johan interrupted sadly.

  I nodded. “He was so kind in the beginning telling me how beautiful I was; I really needed to hear it. He’d take me out to the cinema and restaurants to celebrate good grades and bought me little trinket gifts. Oh God saying it like this makes me sound so pathetic and needy doesn’t it?”

  “It makes you sound like a woman in the beginnings of a sweet romance.” He shook his head “that didn’t come out right. Elliot started out like most guys do, he was wooing you.” He chuckled.

  I snorted a skeptical laugh “not so sweet though now is it?” I muttered.

  “That’s not your fault Eve, you couldn’t have foreseen this, and you definitely...look at me. You. Did. Not. Deserve. This.”

  I ignored that last statement, because let’s face it; I had caused him to behave this way. I should have seen it coming and left when he abused me the first time but I didn’t. “As we spent more time together, he started touching me more, holding my hand. And then he would kiss me at the end of the night, then it was more frequent. I didn’t dislike it, or stop it, to be honest I felt...kind of hollow really. My friends would say how jealous they were and my mum would say how cute we were together. I began to think something was wrong with me that I was wrong, because I was the only one not seeing what everyone else seemed to see. I did like him, and I did care for him deeply but –“

  “He was just a friend.”

  I nodded and another tear rolled down my cheek. “I'm ridiculous aren’t I?”

  “No not at all.” Johan stroked my arm gently.

  “I just...I did try and tell him how I felt...I... I explained once to him how I thought we were just friends nothing more, he told me he loved me, and he started getting upset that I didn’t love him back. We were in his car on the motorway and he just started waving his arms around shouting and then his driving became as erratic as his mood, so I said I did love him, that I was just scared of how I felt.” I turned my head into the pillow to hide my shame. “I knew it was wrong but he scared me I thought we’d crash so I just wanted him to calm down.” I mumbled into the pillow, I'm not sure if Johan heard. I felt his hand pushing locks of my hair behind my ear.

  “Eve look at me.” He whispered. I turned my tear streaked face to look at him “from an outsider honey, there is a pattern. Every time you made it clear you needed him to back off he intimidated you, he used fear or manipulation to gain leverage. He used your friendship as a means to win you over and when that only got him so far he started to use fear tactics on you. I'm sorry to say but he’s completely manipulated you.”

  I shook my head “it wasn’t like that really. It was my fault, if I’d have loved him back, or been prettier or been less frigid then none of this –“

  “That’s a total myth he has created in your mind. Because I'm promising you now Eve, you are incredibly beautiful, you have a smile that when you let it free you brighten the room. You are so smart it’s daunting, people who are blessed to know you adore you. I came from a different country, my family is miles away but you have welcomed me and made me feel so at home. Elliott knew you didn’t love him and that your heart belonged elsewhere when he started pursuing you so the blame for that is entirely at his own feet. But more importantly, if you were the ugliest toad in the pond, as celibate as a nun, and hard hearted as a stone, it still wouldn’t account for domestic abuse. He used...uses insults and fear to break you down into believing you deserve what he is doing. I've experienced it. Its power he desires, control and to do that he has instilled in you fear of him and loathing of yourself. I honestly don’t know how I didn’t spot it before now.”

  “How do you mean?” I asked. Johan let out a sigh and rolled to his back.

  “I’ve lived around some sick motherfuckers so I kinda got a handle on when someone was out to destroy you. I suppose over the years it’s lessened my senses but I’ve been through some shit and I am promising you now, none of it is your fault. My dad beat momma to death, with his bare fucking hands, I sat and watched helpless to do a thing. Then some other shit happened but eventually I was adopted by mama-su and Will, my adopted father.” He closed his eyes. He turned his face to me “When I reached twenty one I received a letter from a family lawyer. Apparently my mother had set up an insurance policy for me and my sister...”

  “You have a sister? I didn’t...”

  “She was six months pregnant when the fucker killed her.” He covered his face with his arm “my little sister...” He swallowed hard “she’s with mom.” He cleared his throat and stayed silent for a few moments, I also stayed quiet, taking in the heartbreak of this man beside me.

  “My mom left us both a letter, she wrote of how they met and how perfect he was, that the man he became was not a man she fell in love with and blah blah blah.” He twirled his hand in the air flippantly but I could see the pain in his eyes. “So you see my mom’s only fault was to love a violent man. She had lots of ‘what ifs’, what if she hadn’t been beautiful, what if she hadn’t loved him so much, what if she hadn’t had me. The list was endless, when really neither of you have any fault in Elliott’s or my dad’s actions, their desire to control manifested into violence and sole responsibility is theirs to take,” we both laid there in silence me staring at him while he looked up at the ceiling. He sucked in a ragged breath “I've often thought why she didn’t love me enough to escape, why she didn’t take us away so that he couldn’t hurt either of us anymore. For so long as a kid growing up, I resented her for leaving and not loving me enough.” He exhaled in a whoosh “I was the selfish bastard to think of her that way.”

  “You were a child Johan, it is understandable.”

  He shook his head “She did love me Eve, with every fiber of her being, she loved me. And stupidly I get why the thought of a kid terrified my dad, and why he was so fucked up. In her letter she wrote, she told me she never left him because he threatened to kill me. She stayed to protect me in a fucked up sort of way. She died because...�
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  “Don’t finish that sentence Johan; it was never your fault. What that man did was...” my conviction faltered as the words stung into me. His dad was responsible, not them.

  “Finish Eve.” Johan whispered looking at me. Tears trickled down my cheek as I shook my head. I couldn’t finish my sentence the enormity of it was too shattering. “We were never to blame.” He whispered.

  “Anesu and Willem Senior adopted me, and they have raised me as their own. I have never been made to feel unwanted or unloved and they welcomed me into their family even with all my issues they became my new parents. I call Will, dad but I can’t...I’ve never been able to call Anesu mom, so I call her mama-su.” He smiled as if that was a fond memory “I love them, but even with all their love and the opportunities and life I've been given, if I could have my mom back I would and that makes me feel like absolute fucking shit.” He sucked in a shaky breath.

  “Why were you adopted? Did you not have any other family?”

  “It’s a fucked up story Eve, one I can’t...it’s something I can’t talk about okay?” I reached over and squeezed his hand.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be, one day I will tell you. I promise.” He smiled at me with his cheeky grin, melting my heart. Johan had made a secure place in there and was going to be a great part of my life. “I don’t even know why they kept me, I was the tiniest, quietist little shit in the house. I wouldn’t even look at them; I used to hide all over the place. But Ane and Will would find me and she just sat there patiently waiting for me to come out. I remember her humming this tune...fuck what was it now...” He looked off into empty space as if reminiscing “Anyway I eventually crawled out and started spending time with them. They let me stay with them and eventually adopted me. And you know what she said to me was when I asked why they kept me?” He smiled.