Complete Works of E W Hornung

by E. W. Hornung

  “Talk about bare bodkins, otherwise hollow-ground razors!” cried Uvo, emptying his glass. “I couldn’t do the trick with cold steel if I tried; but with a revolver you’ve only got to press the trigger and it does the rest. Then — I wonder if you even live to hear the row? — then, Gilly, it’s a case of that ‘big blue mark in his forehead and the back blown out of his head!’”

  “That wasn’t a revolver,” said I, for he had taught me to worship his modern god of letters; “that was the Snider that ‘squibbed in the jungle.’”

  Delavoye looked it up in his paper-covered copy.

  “Quite right, Gilly!” said he. “But what price this from the very next piece?

  “‘So long as those unloaded guns We keep beside the bed, Blow off, by obvious accident, The lucky owner’s head.’

  “That’s a bit more like it than the big blue mark, eh? And my gifted author is the boy who can handle these little dears better than anybody else in the class; he don’t only use ‘em for moral suasion under arms, but he makes you smell the blood and hear the thunder!”

  Colonel Cheffins seemed to have had enough at last; he rose to go with rather a perfunctory laugh, and I jumped up to see him out on the plea of something I had to say about his damaged door and window.

  “For God’s sake, sir, get your revolver back from him!” was what I whispered down below. “He’s not himself. He hasn’t been his own man for over a year. Get it back from him before he takes a turn for the worse and — and — —”

  “I know what you mean,” said the colonel, “but I don’t believe it’s as bad as you think. I’ll see what I can do. I might say I’ve smashed the other, but I mustn’t say it too soon or he’ll smell a rat. I must leave him to you meanwhile, Mr. Gillon, but I honestly believe it’s all talk.”

  And so did I as the dapper little coach smiled cheerily under the hall lamp, and I shut the door on him and ran up to Uvo’s room two steps at a time. But on the threshold I fell back, for an instant, as though that accursed revolver covered me; for he was seated at his desk, his back to the room, his thumb on the trigger — and the muzzle in his right ear.

  I crept upon him and struck it upwards with a blow that sent the weapon flying from his grasp. It had not exploded; it was in my pocket before he could turn upon me with a startled oath.

  “What are you playing at, my good fellow?” cried he.

  “What are you?”

  And my teeth chattered with the demand.

  “What do you suppose? You didn’t think I’d gone and loaded it, did you? I was simply seeing — if you want to know — whether one would use one’s forefinger or one’s thumb. I’ve quite decided on the thumb.”

  “Uvo,” I said, pouring out more whisky than I intended, “this is more than I can stick even from you, old fellow! You’ve gone on and on about this infernal shooter till I never want to see one in my life again. If you meant to blow out your brains this very night, you couldn’t have said more than you have done. What rhyme or reason is there in such crazy talk?”

  “I didn’t say it was either poetry or logic,” he answered, filling his pipe. “But it’s a devilish fascinating idea.”

  “The idea of wanton suicide? You call that fascinating?”

  “Not as an end. It’s a poor enough end. I was thinking of the means — the cold trigger against your finger — the cold muzzle in your ear — the one frightful bang and then the Great What Next!”

  “The Great What Next for you,” I said, as his eyes came dancing through a cloud of birdseye, “is Cane Hill or Colney Hatch, if you don’t take care.”

  “I prefer the Village mortuary, if you don’t mind, Gilly.”

  “Either would be so nice for your mother and sister!”

  “And I’m such a help to them as I am, aren’t I? Think of the bread I win and all the dollars I’m raking in!”

  “It would be murder as well as suicide,” I went on. “It would finish off one of them, if not both.”

  He smoked in silence with a fatuous, drunken smile, though he was as sober as a man could be. That made it worse. And it was worst of all when the smile faded from the face to gather in the eyes, in a liquid look of unfathomable cynicism, new to me in Uvo Delavoye, and yet mysteriously familiar and repellent.

  “Yes; they’re certainly a drawback, Gillon, but I don’t know that they’ve a right to be anything more. We don’t ask to be put into this world; surely we can put ourselves out if it amuses us.”

  “‘If it amuses us!’”

  “But that’s the whole point!” he cried, puffing and twinkling as before. “How many people out themselves for no earthly reason that anybody else can see, and have their memory insulted by the usual idiotic verdict? They’re no more temporarily insane than I am. It’s their curiosity that gets the better of them. They want to go at their best, with all their wits about them, as you or I might want to go to Court. If they could take a return ticket, they would; they don’t really want to go for good any more than I do. They’re doing something they don’t really want to do, yet can’t help doing, as half of us are, half our time.”

  “They’re weak fools,” I blustered. “They’re destructive children who’ve never grown up, and they ought to be taken care of till they do.”

  He smiled through his smoke with sinister serenity.

  “But we all are children, my dear Gilly, and on the best authority most of us are fools. As for the destructive faculty, it’s part of human nature and three parts of modern policy; but our politicians haven’t the child’s excuse of wanting to know how things are made — which I see at the back of half the brains that get blown out by obvious accident.”

  “Good-night, Uvo,” I said, just grasping him by the arm. “I know you’re only pulling my leg, but I’ve heard about enough for one night.”

  “Another insulting verdict!” he laughed. “Well, so long, if you really mean it; but do you mind giving me my Webley and Scott before you go?”

  “Your what?”

  “My present from over the way. It’s one of Webley and Scott’s best efforts, you know. I had one like it, only the smaller size, when I was out in Egypt.”

  I thought he had forgotten about the concrete weapon, or rather that he did not know I had picked it up, but expected to find it in the corner where it had fallen when I knocked it out of his hand. My own hand closed upon it in my side pocket, as I turned to face Uvo Delavoye, who had somehow slipped between me and the door.

  “So it’s not your first revolver?” I temporised.

  “No; you’ve got to have one out there.”

  “But you didn’t think it worth bringing home?”

  I was trying to recall his very first remarks about revolvers, after the burglary the night before. And Delavoye read the attempt with his startling insight, and helped me out with impulsive candour.

  “You’re quite right! I did say I hated the beastly things, but it was a weakness I always meant to get over, and now I have. Do you mind giving me my Webley?”

  “What did you do with the other one, Uvo?”

  “Pitched it into the Nile, since you’re so beastly inquisitive. But I was full of fever at the time, and broken-hearted at cracking up. It’s quite different now.”

  “Is it?”

  “Of course it is. I’m not going to do anything rotten. I was only ragging you. Don’t be a silly ass, Gillon!”

  He was holding out his hand. His face had darkened, but his eyes blazed.

  “I’m sorry, Uvo — —”

  “I’ll make you sorrier!” he hissed.

  “I can’t help it. You couldn’t trust yourself in your fever. It’s your own fault if I can’t trust you now.”

  He glared at me like a caged tiger, and now I knew the wild sly look in his eyes. It was the look of the Kneller portrait at Hampton Court, but there was no time to think twice about that, with the tiger in him gnashing its teeth in very impotence.

  “Oh, very well! You don’t get out of this, with my prop
erty, if I can help it! I know I’m no match for you in brute strength, but you lay a finger on me if you dare!”

  He was almost foaming at the mouth, and the trouble was that I could understand his frenzy perfectly. I would not have stood my own behaviour from any man, and yet I could not have behaved differently if I had tried, for his insensate fury was all of a piece with his delirious talk. I kept my eye on him as on a wild beast, and I saw his roving round the uncouth weapons on the wall. He was edging nearer to them; his hand was raised to pluck one down, his worn face bloated and distorted with his passion. Neither of us spoke; we were past the stage; but in the grate the gas fire burnt with a low reproving roar. And then all at once I saw Uvo turn his head as though his sensitive ear had caught some other sound; his raised hand swept down upon the handle of the door; and as he softly opened it, the other hand was raised in token of silence, and for one splendid second I looked into a face no longer possessed by the devil, but radiant with the keenest joy.

  Then I was at his elbow, and our ears bent together at the open door. Gas was burning on the landing as well as in the hall below; everything seemed normal to every sense. I was obliged to breathe before another sound came from any quarter but that noisy stove in the room behind us. And then it was more a vibration of the floor, behind the curtains of the half-landing, than an actual sound. But that was enough; back we stole into Uvo’s room.

  “They’ve come,” he whispered, simply. “They’re in the bathroom — now!”

  “I heard.”

  “We’ll go for them!”

  “Of course.”

  He reached down the very weapon he had meant for my skull a minute before. It was a great club, studded with brass-headed nails, and also a most murderous battle-axe, so that the same whirl might fell one foe and cleave another. I had taken it from Uvo, and his dancing eyes were thanking me as he loaded the revolver I had handed him in exchange.

  There were three stairs down to the half-landing, but Uvo sat up too late at nights not to know the one that creaked. We reached the old maroon curtain without a sound; behind it was the housemaid’s sink on the right, and straight in front the bathroom door with a faint light under it. But the light went out before we reached it, and then the door would not open, and with that there was a smothered hubbub of voices and of feet within. It was like the first shot from an ambuscade, but it was our ambuscade, and Uvo’s voice rang out in triumph.

  “Down with the door or the devils’ll do us yet!”

  And they sounded as though they might before bolt or hinges gave. As we brought all our weight to bear, we could hear them huddling out of the window, and somebody whispering sharply, “One at a time; one at a time!” And at that my companion relaxed his efforts inexplicably, but I flew at the key-hole with flat foot and every ounce of my weight behind it; the crash fined off into the scream of splintered wood, and I should have entered head foremost if the man on the other side had not stemmed the torrent of torn woodwork. Even as it was I went down on all fours, and was only struggling to my feet as his figure showed dimly in the open window. Delavoye fired over my head at the same instant, but his revolver “squibbed” like that far-away Snider, and before I could hack with his battle-axe at their rope-ladder, the last of the thieves was safe and sound on terra firma.

  Delavoye fired over my head.

  “Don’t do that!” cried Delavoye. “It’s our one chance of nabbing ‘em.”

  And he was out of the window and swinging down the rope-ladder while the ruffians were yet in the yard below. But they did not wait to punish his foolhardihood; the gate into the back garden banged before he reached the ground, and he hardly had it open when the last of the bunch of ropes slid hot through my hands.

  “After them!” he grunted, giving chase to shadowy forms across the soaking grass. His revolver squibbed again as he ran. They did not stop to return his fire; but across the strawberry bed, at the end of the garden, the high split fence rattled and rumbled with the weight of the flying gang; and there was a dropping crackle of brushwood on the other side, as I came up with Delavoye under the overhanging branches of the horse-chestnuts.

  “Going over after them?” I panted, prepared to follow where he led.

  “I’m afraid it’s no good now,” he answered, peering at his revolver in the darkness. The chambers ticked like the reel of a rod. “Besides, there’s one of them cast a shoe or something. I trod on it a moment ago.” He stooped and groped in the manure of the strawberry bed. “A shoe it is, Gilly, by all that’s lucky!”

  “You wouldn’t like to dog them a bit further?” I suggested. “The fellow with one shoe won’t take much overhauling?”

  “No, Gilly,” said Delavoye, abandoning the chase as incontinently as he had started it, but with equal decision; “I think it’s about time to see what they’ve taken, as well as what they’ve left.”

  Their rope-ladder was still swaying from the bathroom window, and it served our turn again since Uvo was without his key. He climbed up first, and the window flared into a square of gas-light before I gained the sill. The scene within was quite instructive. The family chest was clamped right round with iron bands, like the straps of a portmanteau, and the lock in each band had defied the ingenuity of the thieves; so they had cut a neat hole in the lid and extracted the contents piecemeal. These were not strewn broadcast about the room, but set out with some method on a dressing-table as well as in the basin and the bath. Apparently the stage of selection had been reached when we interrupted the proceedings, and the first thing that struck me was the amount of fine old plate and silver, candelabra, urns, salvers and the like, which had not been removed; but Delavoye was already up to the right armpit in the chest, and my congratulations left him grim.

  “They’ve got my mother’s jewel-case all right!” said he. “She has one or two things worth all those put together; but we shall see them again unless I’m much mistaken. Come into my room and hear the why and wherefore. Ah! I was forgetting young ambition’s ladder; thanks, Gilly. I hope you see how hard it’s hooked to the woodwork on this side? It’s only been their emergency exit; we shall probably find that they took their tickets at the pantry window. Now for a drink in my room and a bit of Sherlock Holmes’ work on the lucky slipper!”

  I wish I could describe the change in Uvo Delavoye as he sat at his desk once more, his eager face illumined by the reading gas-lamp with the smelly rubber tube. Eager was not the word for it now, neither was it only the gas that lit it up. At its best, for all its bloodless bronze and premature furrows, the face of Uvo was itself a lamp, that only flickered to burn brighter, or to beam more steadily; and now he was at his best in the very chair and attitude in which I had seen him at his worst not so many minutes before. Was this the fellow who had toyed so tremulously with a deadly weapon and a deadlier idea? Was it Uvo Delavoye who had deliberately debauched his mind with the thought of his own blood, until to my eyes at least he looked capable of shedding it at the morbid prompting of a degenerate impulse? I watched him keenly examining the thing in his hands, chuckling and gloating over a trophy which I for one would have taken far more seriously; and I could not believe it was he whom I had caught with a revolver, loaded or unloaded, screwed into his ear.

  It was in a silence due to two divergent lines of thought that we both at once became aware of a prolonged but muffled tattoo on the door below.

  “Coppers ahoy!” cried Uvo softly. “I thought you hauled the rope-ladder up after us?”

  “So I did; but how do you know it’s a copper?”

  “Who else could it be at this time of night? Stay where you are, Gilly. I’ll go down and see.” And in a moment there was a new tune from the hall below: “Why, it’s Colonel Cheffins!... How sporting of you, colonel!... Yes, come on up and I’ll tell you all about it.”

  The colonel’s answers were at first inaudible up above; but on the stairs he was explaining that he had awakened about an hour ago with a conviction that yet another house had been attack
ed, that in his inability to get to sleep again he had ultimately risen, and seeing a light still burning across the road, had ventured to come over to inquire whether we were still all right. And with that there entered the Jaeger dressing-suit and bedroom slippers, containing a very different colonel from the dapper edition I had seen out on the other side of midnight, and for that matter but a worn and feeble copy of the one we had both admired the night before.

  “That’s Witching Hill all over!” cried Uvo as he ushered him in. “You dreamed of what actually happened at the very time it was actually happening. And yet our friend Gillon can’t see that the whole place is haunted and enchanted from end to end!”

  “I’m not sure that I should go as far as that,” said the colonel, sinking into a chair, while Delavoye mixed a stiff drink for him in his old glass. “In fact, now you come to put it that way, I’m not so sure that it was a dream at all. I sleep with my window open, at the front of the house, and I rather thought I heard shots of sorts.”

  “Of such a sort,” laughed Uvo, “that you must be a light sleeper if they woke you up. Do you mind telling me, colonel, where you used to keep those cartridges you were kind enough to give me?”

  “In my washstand drawer. I hope there was nothing the matter with them?”

  “They wouldn’t go off. That was all.”

  “God bless my soul!” cried Colonel Cheffins, putting down his glass.

  “The caps were all right, but I am afraid you can’t have kept your powder quite dry, colonel. I expect you’ve been swilling out that drawer in the heat of your ablutions. Devil a bullet would leave the barrel, and I tried all three.”