by Erin Osborne
“Head back to the clubhouse,” I order Larson. “Thanks for the help. You weren’t here tonight and know nothin’.”
“I was out for a joy ride,” he tells me, not flinching as I nod my head at him.
Once he’s out the door, I lock it behind him and take a break. Closing my eyes, I let myself sleep for a few minutes. Vicky’s apartment is almost completely done, but I want to finish it before she gets up. The only rooms left to finish are the bathroom, her laundry, and living room. That can wait for a little bit. Sleep claims me and I let it.
Chapter Three
Victoria
WAKING UP, I notice a few things. The first is my room is clean. Other than the unmade bed I’m currently lying in, there are no boxes stacked all over. Clothes aren’t littering the floor, and there aren’t any empty bottles filling the empty voids. Secondly, there’s the sound of someone walking and moving things around coming from outside my room. In fact, as I fully wake up, there’s a completely different smell filling the air around me.
Getting out of bed, I’m still wearing the same clothes as yesterday. I’m also stone cold sober. For the first time in I don’t know how long, I’m sober. My body is shaking as I realize last night wasn’t filled with alcohol. It’s as if my body now needs the alcohol to survive. Trying not to focus on that, I walk around my room and pull out a set of sheets. They smell fresh and clean; not like they’ve been sitting in boxes for almost two or three weeks. Without wasting time, I make the bed. My bladder is screaming at me by the time I’m done making it, so I make my way there.
Sitting in the bathroom are my boxes with towels, my soaps, lotions, shampoo and conditioner, everything that belongs in this room. I’m tempted to skip going to the bathroom so I can see what’s going on and who’s here taking care of my shit. Shit I should’ve taken care of when I moved in here. Instead I only cared about drinking and making sure my pain was buried deep as fuck. Even though it never worked.
Going to the bathroom, I wash up and brush my teeth. While I’m in the bathroom, I quickly take care of my belongings. As soon as they’re put away, I break down the boxes and head to the living room with them. I stop in my tracks when I see Tags walking through the living room with his own stack of empty, broken down boxes. He’s shirtless and his jeans are riding low on his hips. I can make out that delectable V leading down to what I know is a very large cock. The only hair on the front of his body is a small, dark trail of hair leading down to the promised land.
My tongue darts out and licks my lips as I think about Tags and what he can do to my body. The ways he can manipulate me until I reach the edge of my orgasm and fly free with abandon. It’s the only time I’m truly free of the thoughts of Scott and our baby.
“Mornin’,” Tags grunts at me, opening the door and heading out without another word.
I quickly follow him down the stairs of my apartment and toss my boxes in next to his. Tags turns me around and doesn’t wait for me to follow him back up to the apartment. I’ve done something to really piss him off. I’m just not sure what the hell I did this time.
“Tags, what’s going on?” I question him, not wanting him to continue walking away from me.
“Nothin’ Victoria. Just tryin’ to get you set up. Made sure no one saw the empty bottles,” he declares as I release the breath I was holding.
Shame fills me with the knowledge he knows my secret. Well, one of them. Tilting my head down, I walk up to him. Tags eyes bore down into mine.
“I’m sorry. There’s so much going on you have no clue about,” I say, looking up at him when I feel his stare and can’t stand it any longer.
“What part are you sorry about?” he demands from me. “The drinkin’? Lyin’? Pushin’ me away? Or somethin’ else?”
“I’m sorry for it all. You don’t understand what I’ve been going through for so long now. The only time I feel close to normal is when I’m drunk and can’t think straight. Or, when I’m wrapped in your arms,” I inform him honestly. “I can’t stop.”
“You can, Vic. You’re not ready to stop yet. Until you’re ready to stop drinkin’ and let me in completely, I can’t do this shit with you anymore,” he states, like he’s not breaking my heart in a million pieces right now. “It’s bad enough I’ve been lyin’ to the club about where I go when I’m with you. That I’m with you.”
“You know how I feel about that. If Torch and Pyro find out, they’ll never accept it,” I argue once more.
“Not buyin’ that’s the reason you want to hide us anymore. Vicky, I just can’t do this. Not until you’re done fallin’ down the hole you’re drownin’ in. You have a job at the shop, and I’ll always have your back. For now, we can’t have anythin’ else between us,” he states, sadness and pain filling his eyes in a way I’ve never seen before.
Tags is fighting his own demons. My shit is only adding to his pain. I can see it swirling behind his brown eyes. He’s haunted by something I don’t know about. Tags and everyone in my life wants me to share the details of my life with them, but not a single one of them do the same thing in return. Now, I won’t have to worry about pushing him away because he’s removing himself from my life. Other than working at Blazing Ink because I’m good enough for that. Just one more reason I’m not good enough because Tags doesn’t want me anymore.
“Get the fuck outta your head,” Tags growls, walking up to me. “I still want you more than my next breath. That hasn’t changed. Seein’ the way you are right now is killin’ me to walk away, but I have to. There’s no other choice for me. Watched someone I love go down the same path you’re on, and it kills me because I don’t know why. You won’t open up to me, so this is the way it has to be.”
My eyes fill with tears. This is not what I wanted to happen. Yeah, I wanted to push Tags away. I just thought we’d still be able to fuck around and shit. Apparently not. Using the back of my hand, I swipe the tears from my face angrily.
“Well, I appreciate everything you did in the apartment. Let me cook you breakfast before you head to work,” I say, walking past him, toward my apartment.
The air is so silent, I hear him release his breath behind me. He remains still as I walk up the stairs. At this point, I’m not even sure he’s going to follow me back into the apartment. I’ll make breakfast either way because if I’m sober, I may as well eat for the first time since getting to Willow Creek.
I’m making eggs, toast, and bacon when Tags makes his way back in the apartment. Pulling out an extra plate, I begin to plate our food up. Tags gets a bigger portion than I take for myself. He looks at the plates, I can see the look in his eyes letting me know he’s not happy. His eyes are hard and look almost black as they shift up to me. This is not a way I’ve ever seen him look at me before. Usually, his eyes are soft, the color of warm chocolate melting on a hot summer day, and with something close to love shining from them. That’s not present this morning, or whatever hell time of day it is.
I don’t have a table to eat at yet, so we make our way to the couch and sit down on opposite ends. Tags shovels the food in his mouth quicker than I anticipated he would. As I begin to swallow down the food, my stomach revolts and I have to fight the urge to get sick. This is not how I planned to have breakfast with him. Guess my entire life isn’t going to plan though. Par for the course apparently.
Bite after bite, I have to shove the food down my throat and swallow it. Eating is the last thing I want to do. Unfortunately, I know I have to eat or I’m going to get a lot worse than I currently am. Morning, noon, and night, the only thing I consume lately is alcohol. There’s been nothing of substance since just after leaving Scott’s months ago. Other than a little bit of food here and there when Tags would come over. Now, it’s all alcohol and nothing more. I have no urge to eat.
“Are you ever gonna tell me what’s goin’ on with you?” Tags finally asks, turning toward me.
“What do you mean?” I retort, trying to stall for time.
“Vic, you know what I
mean. I’ve brought several meals over since you got here and threw every single one out last night. You haven’t opened the door for me whenever I’ve come over. From the way Torch was talkin’, it’s been the same for your brothers too. They’re worried and I can’t keep coverin’ for you,” he begins, leaning in closer to me. “Somethin’ has you diggin’ your own grave and I want to know what it is.”
Looking at him, Tags’ eyes are filled with compassion, understanding, and something else. There’s always just a hint of something I can’t identify under the surface. A large part of me wants to share my burden, tell him my story so I’m not living in this pain alone. Still, there’s another part of me that won’t allow myself to go there. No one will understand what I’m going through so I don’t want to see the pity in his eyes like many other people. Very few people who found out about the miscarriage looked at me with pity and sympathy. More pity than sympathy though.
“I can’t. Tags, if I tell anyone, it will be you. I’m just not ready to share yet,” I respond, pulling back from him.
Standing up, I grab our plates to take care of. I need to be busy right now. While I ate some of my food, there’s still some left on the plates. Tags notices, as he does with everything around him, and gives me a look of disapproval. One more way I’ve made the man unhappy with me. Still, there’s nothing I can do since I’m full. Food just doesn’t taste good either.
“I’m gonna head out. Take today for yourself. Just be prepared for your brothers to stop over. Said if you weren’t there when they came back, there’d be hell to pay,” Tags warns me as he passes by me and walks out the door.
There’s no kiss, he doesn’t pull me into his arms, no acknowledgement of him wanting to see me again. It used to be he would hug and kiss me before he left. I’d know without a doubt he wanted me again and would be calling to make arrangements to spend time together. Now, he just walks away after giving me yet another day off. Tags is so fucking confusing and I know how my day will be spent; drinking until I find the bottom of a bottle. Tags is too close to fully getting under my skin and finding out everything.
I already know my stash in the freezer is gone. When Tags was outside, I looked. At first, I was pissed as hell he took my liquor. Now, knowing someone he loved did the same thing I am, I understand he’s trying to save me. Maybe I don’t want to be saved anymore. I’ve been holding on for months and the pain isn’t going away. This isn’t just about losing a child either. It’s about not grieving that loss, of the hateful things I’ve been called, the stories going around about me, and feeling as if I’m not a fucking woman any longer. That’s what fucking hurts and makes me not be able to find a way out. Things Tags and my brothers won’t have a fucking clue about.
Walking into my bedroom, I make my way to the closet. While the boxes have all been emptied and taken care of, there was alcohol in the bathroom boxes. When I got here, I stashed them under a loose floorboard in the closet. Never thought I’d have to be hiding shit like a delinquent. I’m in my damn twenties and hiding shit from my brothers and the club they belong to. From a man I care about more than I’ve ever cared about anyone before him.
I thought I loved Scott. In the end, what I felt for him was lust at best. Tags has shown me how it feels to be cared about and loved. I love him with every fiber of my being. I’ve never felt it before and neither one of us has said the words. Deep in my heart, I know it’s love I feel for him. I want to be in love with him because he’ll take my pain and help me shoulder it. He’ll stop me from drowning in self-doubt, self-recrimination, and loathing I feel every single time I look in the mirror.
Chapter Four
Tags
IT KILLED ME to walk away from Victoria two days ago. She looked so lost, forlorn, and as if she were ready to jump out of her skin. I wanted to do nothing more than wrap her in my arms, to forget about needing to know what’s going on with her. I just can’t pretend she’s not turning into an alcoholic in front of our very eyes. Or that she’s not drowning.
She didn’t work that day because I told her to stay home. Yesterday she was scheduled off. Torch is due back today from his run. Thankfully, Pyro hasn’t come in to see his baby sister. I have no words to say to protect Vicky from her brothers. Not if they just show up to her door for a visit. She’ll be on her own. Part of me hopes it happens because then she won’t be able to hide any longer.
Yes, I know I should be making her tell me what’s going on. I shouldn’t be trying to bury my head in the proverbial sand to pretend there’s nothing wrong. Instead of leaving her alone, I should be fighting harder than I’ve ever fought for anything in my life. I feel like a fucking pussy because I don’t want to know she’s going down the same path as my mother and I’m not doing a damn thing once again to help someone I love.
I’m in the back when I hear the bells over the door sound. No music is blaring just yet so it’s easy to hear them in the deafening silence of the shop. Walking out of the back, I see Vicky standing there looking unsure of herself. I’m definitely not used to seeing her this way.
Victoria is usually full of fire and spirit. She doesn’t take any shit from anyone. If she has a thought or feeling about something, everyone around her knows what it is. Vic grew up with Torch and Pyro as brothers, so she learned early not to back down from anything. They would’ve chewed her up and spit her out without a second thought. Not that they don’t love her, because they do. She’s the first person either one of them would’ve laid their lives down for. That’s why they made sure she could fight her own battles and take care of herself. For her to be shrinking into absolutely nothing, something major is wrong and no one knows about it.
I want that woman back. She wouldn’t take my shit and sure as hell didn’t let anything get her down the way this secret is now. I’m going to have to start pushing harder every single day. Pushing for my spot in her life, for her to quit drinking and killing herself, most importantly pushing to bring her back to the woman she truly is.
“What’s wrong?” I question, walking further into the front end of the shop.
“I just don’t feel good,” she replies, not looking at me and beginning to chew on her thumb nail. Also something new.
“Well, take it easy today. You can start with inventory if you want. We need an order done since we’re gettin’ low on certain supplies,” I inform her, walking to the desk and picking up the inventory papers that need to be filled out. “You’ll have to pay attention to the front end while doing it, but there’s a window you can watch through. I have an appointment comin’ in about an hour. Not sure about the rest of them.”
“Okay,” she responds, her voice low and weak.
“Vic, I’m gonna find out what your fuckin’ secret is. Then I’ll make sure no one ever fuckin’ hurts you this bad again,” I state, looking her in the eyes until she has no choice but to let my words sink in. ‘You’re gonna tell me everythin’ and we’ll work it out. Together. At the end of the day, you’re mine and it’s only a matter of time before you realize I’m not lyin’ and we belong together.”
“I can’t give you that, Tags,” comes her murmured reply. “I don’t have anything left to give.”
“You have everythin’ to fuckin’ give. Tell me what’s goin’ on so you’re not fuckin’ alone. Or are you just gonna keep lyin’ to everyone who loves and cares about you?” I question her, wanting her to open her damn eyes to see we’re here to help her and show her love.
“You love me?” she turns the tables on me.
“Of fuckin’ course I love you,” I state. “You got under my skin faster than anyone else. You’re the only one I’ve been with since this started. You don’t think I see the changes in you? That I haven’t been seein’ them long before now?”
She shakes her head. Vicky honestly doesn’t believe she’s worth loving. I can see it in the depths of her eyes. They’re empty, lifeless almost, without the usual spark for life and living it to it’s fullest. Victoria hunches in on herself befo
re making her way to the desk so she can put her bag down and then grab the papers from me. Picking a pen up from the desk, she makes her way back to the storage room to begin inventory.
We’re the only two in the shop and even though I want to keep pushing her, I don’t. For now, I go to my room and finish working on the design for my first client. He’s a regular customer and I’m tattooing a gnarly dragon on his side. It’s going to start at his shoulder, wind down to his side, finally curving back around to his back and ending up on his opposite hip. He’s definitely going to be in her for multiple sittings to finish this. Today we’re only worrying about the outline. If we get more done today, that’s his call. I’m not the one who’s going to be in pain.
Trevor and Millie will be in soon. Trevor is my other tattoo artist while Millie does tattoos and piercings. Raine comes on if she has a client scheduled. Otherwise, she doesn’t work. Satan doesn’t appreciate her being here more than she absolutely has to. He’s tired of the male clients hitting on her whenever they step through the doors. I should probably say that Trevor and Millie come in to work for a few weeks and then take off for a few weeks.
They’re both amazing people who work for a few different shops. We’ve all talked about them switching it up between the shops and don’t have a problem with it. In my eyes, Wrath and Kyler can have some time off to work on club business while they’re here. It’s unconventional, and that’s okay with me. Wrath and Kyler come in when their regular clients won’t go to anyone else, but that’s about it. We all make do with the situation. It works for us.
Looking at the computer I have in my office, I see my client will be here in about a half hour now. I’ve been daydreaming instead of working. Thinking of all the ways I’m failing the club and Victoria. Torch, Pyro, and Satan will be so pissed when they find out I’ve been seeing Victoria. It will be even worse when they figure out something is up with her, and my knowing about it will only lead to a beat down for me. One I’ll take like the man I am because I deserve it.