Dance and Be Glad

by Melissa Wardwell

  “Mom, can you hold on a second?”

  “Sure.”

  Katie had just left the room so Jill called her back in.

  “What’s up, Mom?”

  “How do you feel about doing girl time with grandma? I can tell she could use someone around.” This would give Jill time to herself to work from home without interruption. It was selfish, but all parties would get what they needed or wanted. “You’ve been asking to do a sleep over with her for quite a while.”

  Katie’s face lit like a Christmas tree. “Yeah! We can watch Shirley Temple movies. Heidi is my favorite.”

  Pleased with Katie’s excitement, she turned back to her mom. “How about I bring Katie over tonight after school? That way you can have some company.”

  “Why can’t you come too?” Her sadness traveled through the phone, through her arm and right to her heart.

  “Honestly, Mom, I have a lot of work to get done for recitals. I know you want us both there, but I just can’t. Besides, she has been begging me to let her stay with you.”

  “I understand dear. Your business concerns me though. You never take a break.”

  “I’m fine mom. Really.”

  “All right. Well, I look forward to having her here. I’ll do some shopping for her tonight.”

  “Mom, she doesn’t need anything.” Anytime Katie stayed with grandma, she spoiled her with new clothes of some kind, coloring books, or whatever food Katie wanted; including sweets. “She’s my only granddaughter,” she would say. “Let me have my fun.” Jill’s sister Julie was away at college, still, and she swore she would never have children. That left just Katie for her mom to spoil.

  They hashed out plans and Katie gave her grandma her food preferences. Katie handed the phone back to Jill and turned to finish readying herself for school.

  “Thanks Mom. I really appreciate this. We’ll go shopping as soon as the snow clears.”

  “That sounds like fun sweetie. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  After dropping off Katie, Jill stopped by the grocery store to pick up a few things. Walking through the aisles, she selected items that only she would enjoy. It was rare to have time alone and she was going to take full advantage of it.

  “Chocolate cake, pasta, spaghetti sauce, burger, and is that a bottle of wine I see? Doesn’t look like good survival food to me.”

  The familiar voice coming from beside her while searching the shelves for the low sodium soy sauce spurred her heart to pound in her chest. She would enjoy spaghetti tonight and Chinese tomorrow or vice versa.

  “Hello Mike,” she said as she turned to him and flashed a smile. This was the second time in a month they crossed paths in the grocery store. She was noticing a trend. Glancing in his cart, “I don’t see water and candles in your cart either. Looks more like an over indulgence of meat to me. That much red meat isn’t healthy, you know. Not afraid of losing power?”

  “Not when I have a generator. Do you have a generator, Red?” She really hated how he made her heart stop when he called her that.

  “I’ll be fine.” Jill looked around for Emily, “Where’s Em?”

  “Emma picked her up from school. I just got off my shift. Where’s Katie?”

  “My mom’s.” The longer she stood there, the faster her pulse beat. She didn’t like feeling like this. It confused her; it made her want for something she had no right to ask for anymore.

  With concern in his eyes, he inquired, “Will you be okay by yourself? Maybe you should go back to your mom’s. Might be better.”

  “I appreciate the concern, but I’ll be fine. I’ve been doing this for a while now.” Jill put a smile on her face in hopes to sooth his concern and began to walk away. Mike put his hand on her arm to stop her, sending prickles of electricity through her.

  “I didn’t mean anything by it. I’m just, well, just trying to…. never mind, you’re right. You’re a big girl.” He let go of her, gave her a hesitant smile, and responded, “You be safe and enjoy your time alone. But, if you need help, please call.” His concern for her wellbeing warmed her heart. It had been too long since a man had watched out for her.

  A war raged within her. One side of her brain screamed, “You’ve had your turn. Let someone else have a chance with him.” While the other gently called, “Let the man love you. You can trust him.” Either way, she had to keep her distance until she knew what she wanted and right now in the middle of the grocery aisle was not the place to decide.

  “Thanks, Mike. I’ll keep that in mind.”

  The next morning, she woke to the scent of coffee brewing in her programmable coffee maker. It was a lifesaver at times; this morning, not so much. The plan to do some work last night failed as Mike filled her thoughts and dreams, yet again. His warm smile, his welcoming eyes, his electrifying touch, his friendship all flooded her mind. It was all against the plan she had in place for her life. She was sure that she would never find another because she had chosen not to look. She had her time, though short. Now was time to focus on Katie’s needs, not hers.

  What if her needs are similar to yours?

  Having a close relationship with her dad, she knew the importance of a father-daughter relationship. With him being gone now, she also knew what it was like to not have him around.

  But Katie is fine. She can’t miss what she never had, right?

  Jill knew how wrong that logic was but it was worth the try. She needed to protect herself, her heart. It simply hurt too much to lose love.

  Climbing from bed, she slid her feet into her slippers and grabbed her house coat. The blowing wind the night before chilled the house to a point that she added extra covers to the bed. The furnace ran almost non-stop through the night. “At least I know Katie is warm.”

  Shuffling to the kitchen, she poured a cup of coffee. The hum of the furnace and the refrigerator were the only sounds she heard. The near-silence left room for her thoughts to travel back to Mike. Maybe some reading in her Bible would help calm her mind.

  Sitting on the secondhand couch with last night’s work attempt in front of her, it was overwhelming to look at this morning. So she gathered up all the papers, put them in their perspective file folders and stacked them on the corner of the coffee table.

  Tucking her legs underneath her and reaching for her Bible on the side table, she opened to where she had left off the other morning and let her body relax into the couch. It may have been from the local salvage store, but it was comfortable. Opening to Second Timothy, she had only gotten to verse seven of chapter one, when a sensation like lightning hit her. She read the verse again, this time out loud and to herself.

  “For God has not given us a spirit of fearfulness, but one of power, love, and sound judgment.”

  Had she been using sound judgment? She knew she was living in fear; a fear of love. What about sound judgment though?

  She prayed for others all the time, but did she ever pray for herself. What would she pray for? She had many needs, but never thought to ask God to provide. She just took care of things herself. She could handle most anything. It had made her stronger.

  Are you really stronger? Or is it all just a mask?

  “I’m okay with the mask. It protects me,” she answered out loud to the voice within.

  I thought that was My job?

  “You said you would protect Doug too. Look where he is now.” She could hear a hint of venom in her words. She was surprised at the sarcasm. She had never thought she blamed God for Doug’s death. Maybe that was another mask. Curious, she asked, “Lord, how many masks do I wear?”

  Images of different situations flashed over the pages of her Bible like a movie. She saw the way she blew off her mother to avoid questions, buried herself in work to avoid feeling, surrounded herself with other people’s children to fill the hurt of never having the life she wanted. The visions continued to show her the tension she felt every time she walked into church and her constant avoidance of Mike even though he was only trying to be a frien
d. She knew there was more, but this, she knew was the worst.

  The woman she had become was not the woman she wanted to be. Now that she was seeing herself through God’s eyes, she really didn’t like it. She wasn’t a bad person, but she put on these masks so people thought she was doing okay; that she had healed and moved on, but really, she just existed. Thinking back again, she recalled feeling numb and emotionless. The longer she lived that way, the easier it had become. She didn’t even find joy in dancing anymore. Everything was just routine.

  Sliding her feet to the floor, her Bible fell at her feet. Ignoring it, she put her elbows to her knees and leaned over to put her head in her hands. Tears that began to trickle when God made these revelations to her, now flowed like a rushing river down her face. Sobs shook her. Unable to verbalize her thoughts, she cried out from her heart.

  I don’t want to be this fake, God. I thought I was doing well. I have pushed people away, at least anyone who could love me, and I have wrapped myself in the hovel of a house and that cold dance studio. I know that this is not Your plan for my life. Father, help me. Rip these masks from my face and fill in the holes of my heart. I know I am broken, but I didn’t know how badly until now. Do what You will in me, Lord.

  She continued on until cracking broke her from her pleading. She glanced out the front window to see her yard covered in a thick blanket of snow. Power lines on the edge of her little patch of earth hung heavy and the tree branches sagged under the weight of the newly fallen snow. The storm had come while she had prayed and it looked like it was furious. She could hardly see the road as the wall of snow was so thick. The wind whistled through her house and crackling sounded again. A sense of foreboding danger hung around her. Something wasn’t right.

  Going to her room, she changed out of her pajamas and into warmer clothes. Pulling on her fleece-lined jeans and heavy wool socks, another crack reverberated through her little dwelling. The urgency of looming trouble surged through her as she dashed to the closet for a thermal shirt and something warm to put over top. If the crack was what she thought it was, she needed to get outside and shovel off her roof. Grabbing hold of Doug’s green sweatshirt with the word ARMY printed in bold letter across the chest, she went to the closet in the living room that held the winter snow gear.

  After suiting up, she opened the front door to head out. Something spurred her to grab her phone and tuck it into the inner coat pocket. So she turned to go back to her bedroom and snatched it off the bed. Walking past the coffee table, she took extra precaution and grabbed the files and took them out to the truck. She would drive to the studio to work on things later. Her truck could go through the snow. Oh, keys. She went back into the house and went to the kitchen to grab the keys off the counter.

  Halfway across the living room, a louder crack than the others before it exploded through the house. Before she could reach the door, a thundering of wood and shingles followed by heavy, compact snow came through the ceiling and landed in the middle of the living room.

  *****

  Anxiousness filled Mike as he watched the snow fall from the comfort of his office. Emily was in her room playing with her dolls like she hadn’t a care in the world; just the way he liked it. But this feeling wouldn’t let him go. His eyes kept drifting to Jill’s property. He couldn’t make out too many details of her property, but he could see the outline of the little house.

  Her shack of a house bothered him. She deserved so much better. She worked hard and gave so much of herself that he wondered who took care of her. If she’d let him, he wouldn’t mind being that person. That was the thing; she kept him at arm’s length, even when he was just trying to be friends. He wanted to protect her and give her something that she didn’t have - love. He didn’t know how to fit a relationship into his crazy life, but it was worth trying to pursue.

  Looking back toward her house, he pleaded, “Oh Jill. Will you let me in?”

  “Uncle Mike?”

  Emily’s tender voice unexpectedly pulled his attention to her. “Hi. I didn’t hear you come in.”

  “Well, the door was open.”

  “Right, I forgot.”

  “Why were you talking to Mrs. Matthews?”

  The envy he felt every time he heard Jill referred to as Mrs. Matthews had been unexplainable, until now. The more he searched his heart, the clearer things became.

  “Are you okay Uncle Mike?”

  “Yeah, just a lot on my mind.”

  She walked further into the room until they stood face to face; well kind of. She pulled his arm so that he would crouch down closer to her.

  “I like her.”

  “Who, honey?”

  “Mrs. Matthews.”

  “That’s good. She is your dance teacher. I know she likes you too.”

  “I think you should ask her out.”

  Well that was out of left field.

  Playing along, he replied, “Well, what if she doesn’t want to be asked out?”

  “Then she’ll tell you no. If she does say yes, then what does it hurt?”

  “And what if Katie doesn’t want her mom to date?”

  “Oh, she does. We talked about it. She wishes her mom would find a guy who could be her dad.”

  Her answer was surprising. The girls had talked about them.

  “Well, I’ll think about it.” Mike rose and hugged her. His niece was brave to have revealed that kind of information to him.

  He watched as Emily turned and walked for the door. Before leaving his sight, she turned back with one more proclamation. “She picked you, Uncle Mike.”

  Honored yet confused he inquired, “Who picked me? For what?”

  “Katie. She told me she wouldn’t mind you being her daddy.”

  It was like a defibrillator shocked him, rendering him speechless.

  “I’m gonna make a sandwich. Want one?”

  “Um, no. Uh, go ahead.”

  Turning back to the window, he gave a befuddled laugh. What was he supposed to think with that kind of information?

  He might entertain the idea if he didn’t get this definite hands-off vibe from Jill.

  His gaze drifted back in the direction of Jill’s house. The snowfall had increased. It seemed thick and heavy from his perspective. Jill’s ragged roofline came to mind and warning filled his heart. When he drove by her house the day before, he worried it might cave in soon.

  Catching movement on the other side of the treeline, he went to the closet in the office that stored his hunting and fishing gear, grabbing his binoculars. Going back to the window, he looked through and searched the horizon for what he thought he saw. What he found sent shivers down his spine, and not in a good way.

  He darted from the office and for the front door. Grabbing his boots and coat that rested by the door, he hollered for Emily. When she came running, he instructed her to call 911 if he wasn’t back in fifteen minutes. He didn’t tell her why, but her understanding that something bad had happened left evidence on her face.

  Forgoing the car that sat in the garage, he walked out to the barn where he housed his four by four Jeep. The snow was as thick as he thought and deeper than he planned. With choosing not to put the heavy overalls on, he now had snow in his boots. It had to be eight inches deep already. Frustration built with every step as it was taking longer than he wanted to get to the barn. Jill needed his help, now.

  Going at a speed that was too fast for this weather, he arrived in what might be her driveway. Slamming the Jeep into park, he jumped from the driver’s side and ran toward the house. He yelled for Jill as he rushed to the wreckage. He did his best to listen for a sound, any sound, but heard nothing; just the blowing wind.

  The roof had caved in like he had thought, but had taken walls with it. Snow and wood rested where the front door should have been. He wasn’t a contractor, but he knew that there was no saving the house; not that it really mattered at the moment. Seconds ticked as his heart pounded. He couldn’t lose her too. God wouldn’t make K
atie an orphan like Emily, would He?

  “God, I need help here!” he cried out into the wind.

  Going back to his search, he began to dig with his gloved hands. Time was of the utmost importance. Hypothermia, broken bones, lacerations, anything was possible at this point. His only drawback was being unsure where to stand. Praying for guidance of his feet and wisdom in where to dig, he headed in, calling for Jill all the while.

  After ten minutes of digging by hand, sweat poured from his face and down his back. He was sure that if the circumstances were different, he would enjoy the workout he was getting. Finally it dawned on him to look in the lean-to for a shovel. Once he located it, he started back in, but didn’t dig deep for fear of causing more damage. After a few shovels full of snow, he found a hollow space. Getting on his hands and knees, he began to widen the hole with his hands. Snow soaked through his jeans sending shivers of ice through his veins. If he was cold from being in the snow for seconds, the minutes she had been laying in it must have put her into shock by now.

  Calling for Jill one more time he prayed to hear something, anything, to indicate that she was okay let alone alive.

  “God, help me find her. Katie needs her. Emily needs her. All those kids she teaches need her. I…. need… her.” Her hand grabbing his wrist made him yell of fright, but once he came to his senses, he felt like a weight was lifting.

  He finished digging around what looked to be the door. Thankfully, there was just snow on top of it, but there was so much of it that he was amazed that the weight hadn’t crushed her. Looking under the door to assess how much more digging needed to be done, his heart leapt for joy to see her dazzling green eyes looking back at him. Relief flooded him and he fought back a shout of joy.