Dirty Nights

by A. M. Hargrove

  My tiny apartment is now dark with the night sky and I’m still sitting against my door. What’s the point of getting up? I can’t call Cara because it’s Saturday and this is a big night for her. She’s really my only friend, other than Jimmy and he’s working too. Mom clinched the friend deal for me. I never dared to ask anyone over when she was home.

  When Sunday morning breaks, I put on my running clothes and head out the door. My body is achy from spending the night curled against my door and I need to let off some steam. I run all the way down to the tip of Manhattan, around Battery Park and back up again. When I’m finished, I stop by Joe and Mo’s to grab a latte and a muffin. As I’m leaving, in walks Ryder. We both stop and stare at each other and then I nod and walk past him.

  “Skylina, wait.”

  My breath picks up again, like I’m still running. I’m scared to death to turn around. This guy does all sorts of bad things to my body and I turn into a minion around him.

  “Yeah?”

  “Er, can we talk?”

  NO!

  “Okay.” Traitor! Lame butt!

  “Give me a minute.” He walks to the counter and orders, then joins me. “Come back to my place?”

  “Sure.” Double-decker lame butt!

  “Looks like you’ve been running.”

  “Great observational skills there.”

  “Yeah, I’m known for them.”

  “Uh huh.” I can’t think of anything at all to say. So I only sip on my coffee. We get to his apartment and he ushers me inside. “May I please have a glass of water?”

  He looks at me and laughs.

  “What?”

  “So formal?”

  “Oh,” I shrug as he hands me the water. I guzzle it. “More?”

  He hands me another one and I guzzle it too.

  “Thirsty much?”

  “Yeah, running does that.”

  “Yeah, I suppose so.”

  “May I sit?”

  “Damn, Skylina, do you really have to act so formal? Yes, sit!”

  “Jeez, you don’t have to get all mad about it.” I drop to his sofa. This is awkward.

  “Well, you’re acting like you’ve never been in here before. Shit, you lived here for how long?”

  My cheeks heat and I scrunch my eyes shut. “Right. Maybe this was a bad idea,” I say as I rise.

  “No, sit. We need to talk.”

  “No, it’s okay. I know I made the biggest fool out of myself yesterday, so I’ll save you the trouble of saying it. It’s not you, it’s me. Isn’t that what you're supposed to say? I’m not really sure because I’ve never been in a relationship before. Gah, this is so uncomfortable.”

  “Skylina, would you just be quiet for a minute?”

  I look at him and his brow is all furrowed.

  “Can I eat my muffin?”

  “Yes!” he snaps.

  Jeez. He’s not in a good mood. But I’m starving after that run, so I dig in and munch away. He watches me. And watches me … until I squirm. Finally, I ask, “Would you like a bite?”

  “Oh yeah. But not of that muffin, Skylina. I want a taste of the one between your legs.”

  The bite of muffin I just took almost shoots out of my mouth as I cough in surprise. After I recover from my mishap, I look up to see him smirking at me.

  “Are you wet, Skylina? Because if you’re not, I’m going to make you wet. Now finish your muffin. Because I want my muffin too.”

  My throat is so dry, I can’t swallow. “I’m done,” I say as I set the muffin remains on the coffee table. Triple-decker traitor pussy butt!

  “Take your clothes off and get in the shower.”

  “Can I brush my teeth first?”

  “Since when did you start asking, Skylina?”

  Scurrying into the bathroom, I grab Ryder’s toothbrush and scrub my teeth. My clothes are torn off and I hop in the shower.

  “What’s your hurry?”

  “EEEEP! You scared me!”

  “You didn’t think I was going to let you wash all the sweat off of you by yourself, did you?”

  Yeah, I did. But I can’t talk. The only thing that comes out of my mouth is a squeak, when he rubs body wash all over me with his hands. They stop to tweak my pearled nipples, which want to scream at his touch. My girls are clapping and high fiving each other while my muffin is getting wetter by the second. His hands roam all over my body, sudsing me up and caressing my skin. But when finally, they make it between my legs, I purr like a kitty cat getting petted. He soaps me up so good that I cry out in protest when he stops.

  “I’m only rinsing you off, Skylina.”

  “I don’t want to be rinsed.”

  “What do you want?”

  “I want to be fucked. Hard.”

  “You have a wicked muffin.”

  His mouth crashes into mine and all I can think of is his tongue and his cock. They merge in my mind because he takes my leg and pulls it around his waist and thrusts into me. I moan against his lips.

  “Suck my tongue as I fuck you.”

  I pretend I’m giving his tongue a blow job. My tongue swirls and sucks his and then I move to his lips, first the upper and then the lower.

  His hands sink into my ass cheeks but then I feel a soapy finger slide into my back door.

  “Ahhh.”

  “Tell me to stop if you don’t like this.”

  “No. It’s good.”

  “We’re gonna do this hard and fast now, Skylina. I want you to come fast for me, baby. Hold on tight.”

  He backs me against the cold tile and starts to pound into me so hard that I can barely take a breath. As he thrusts, he moves up and down, so slightly, but it’s enough for his piercing to put pressure on that spot … you know, the one that drives you over the edge.

  “Oh, oh, yeah, right there Ryder.”

  “Now, Skylina. Let it go for me.”

  Between his finger and that motion he’s got going, there’s absolutely no hope for me … at all. I scream his name as I come. Then he grinds his hips against mine as he finds his own climax. The water pours over us as we hold onto each other.

  Then he says to me, “A fucking carnival, Skylina.”

  “One that came with a muffin, too.”

  He laughs. “And a more perfect muffin never existed.”

  NINE

  Ryder

  It’s time. Time for me to tell her everything. Because I haven’t been fair in holding back. As I gaze into her eyes, and know that she’s bared everything for me, it’s wrong to not do the same. Reaching for the shampoo, I squeeze some into my hands and then transfer it to her hair. She loves for me to wash her hair. So I take my time, massaging her scalp. Then I rinse and condition it with her conditioner she keeps here.

  “Mmmm.”

  “You like that, huh?”

  “Mmmm.”

  “Step aside so I can do mine.” I only take a minute or so, then I turn off the water. Reaching for a towel, I wrap her in it. When she’s nice and snug, I grab one for myself and dry off.

  She’s wrapping her hair in a towel when I surprise her by picking her up.

  “Wh-what are you doing?”

  “Putting you to bed.”

  “But my hair. It’s all wet and tangled.”

  “I know. I’m going to comb it.”

  After she’s covered in the sheet, I get a comb and start going through her tousled waves. It takes a while, because her blond tresses are so thick.

  “So about that talk,” I begin as I set the comb down.

  “Yes?”

  “Yesterday rocked my Earth off its axis. Didn’t know how to handle things. See, the thing is when I got hurt, I, um, well that’s how it started with all the drugs. It began with the morphine in the hospital. Then I was released on Lortabs. But I found it zoned me out. Made me not think about how my career had been ripped away. So I decided to try other things. Stronger stuff. And I fell into that cave … that rabbit hole if you will. Skylina, I didn’t care
if I lived or died. There were many nights I wished I had died that night. That those guys had killed me because they robbed me of everything I had ever dreamed of … the only thing I knew how to do. I spent my entire life working toward that goal and never thought about an alternate plan.”

  She takes her finger and begins to trace all my scars, starting with the ones on my chest. Eventually, she gets to my leg. They’re huge and deep from all of the surgeries. But her hand splays out and travels along the length of it, following all the indentations. My throat tightens with her gentle touch and my hand rubs my forehead in an effort to keep my tears at bay.

  “Remember that day you asked me about these? I just clammed up. I get so uptight when I even think about it. But then you never brought it up again.”

  “Your reaction told me you had no desire to discuss it. Ryder, these scars are visible, but I don’t think they’re the ones that hurt you the most. The ones inside, you know, the invisible ones are the ones that cause the most pain. Your Aunt Emmy told me everything. She even played me the DVD of your final performance. You were amazingly beautiful.”

  “Sky.” Her words bring the memories of that night back to me. How the exhilaration of the dance felt and my hand moves to my busted up leg.

  “I’m so sorry you lost what you loved the most, but what I said last night is the way I feel.”

  My hand wraps around her neck and I say, “Stop! Wait a minute here.” Her words fly through my head again and my eyes don’t leave hers. “Ballet was the most important thing to me back then, but it’s not anymore. You are. Please tell me I haven’t lost you.”

  “I’m here, aren’t I? And I don’t love Reston. I love Ryder. The man with the scars. The man who’s a recovering addict. All that other stuff doesn’t matter because I didn’t know you then. And from what your Aunt Emmy tells me, you’re a much better person now than you were before anyhow.”

  “She said that, huh?”

  “Yeah. But …”

  “But what?”

  “You’re from a good family. You have parents who care … really care about you. Your aunt loves you too. You don’t need to be with someone like me.”

  Her lips quiver. And I’m the fool.

  “Skylina, yes, my parents care. I’m lucky. But that doesn’t have a thing to do with you. I love you. I need to be with you because I’m in love with you. I never told you about who I was in the past because it’s so difficult for me to talk about, but maybe it’s time I change all that. Starting with you. See, I have connections. In the dance world. And I can help you. No, I’m not versed in your style, but my name can open doors for you. And I want to do that for you. It won’t get you the part, but it will get you the audition.”

  “What will your parents think? About you being with someone like me?”

  “First off, they’ll think you’re a young lady who works for a private investigator. They love Case so they’ll approve of that. Second, they’ll adore you for the beautiful person that you are. Just ask my Aunt Emmy about it. And third, my mom will be all over you when she finds out you’re a dancer.”

  She balls up her hands and it tells me she’s not buying it.

  “They’ll find out. Eventually. This is a small world. We’ll have to tell them.”

  “Maybe. Someday. But Skylina, if I don’t care, why should they?”

  “You know why. I can’t begin to understand the world you came from. It’s like an alien planet to me. Before I turned sixteen, there were days I’d go without eating. So when you talk about having a nanny and things like that, I can’t relate.”

  Jesus. Going without food, and here I sit, living off my trust fund.

  “Okay, you’re right. And I can’t understand your world either. But that doesn’t mean we can’t make it work. The only way we can find out is to try. Take it a day at a time. And if you say you love me, and I know I love you, then what’s the harm in giving our love a chance? Everything in life’s a risk, Skylina. Let me be your risk.” I pull her into my arms and kiss her lips, showing her my love with my mouth. Usually I kiss her with a roughness, an edge, but not this time. This time, it’s soft and gentle as my hands glide into her wet tresses and I pull her body into mine. When her arms reach around me, I know she’s giving me her answer. But I want it in words too.

  “Tell me, Skylina. Tell me you’re mine. And that you’ll let me be your risk.”

  “Yes. I’m yours Ryder. Even though I’m not sure it’s the right thing.”

  “It is the right thing. My heart feels it. And you’ll see in time. We may not have started out like most relationships do, but I guarantee you, there isn’t a couple out there that can out do us in the bedroom. And about the other night, I’m so sorry about the terrible way I handled things. Dr. Martinelli had to listen to me on the phone and I have a lot to learn, but I swear to you I’ll do my best to get better at this. I know I have a long way to go, but one thing I can say for sure. I’ve never been afraid of hard work. And I’m willing to work my ass off for you.”

  “Ryder, don’t work too hard because I love your ass just the way it is now.”

  She makes it impossible for me to keep my hands off her, but when I try to pull the sheet down, she stops me.

  “Before you do any of that, I want to know what every one of your tattoos mean. And I want to know all about your piercing.”

  “Every one?”

  “Every single one.”

  “Slide over.” She moves and I slip in the bed next to her.

  And so I begin with my leg. “These were just to cover up the scars. I started out in anger so the first ones were symbols of death. All in black ink. I didn’t want any color anywhere, because my life was so dark at the time. After a while, I stopped with my leg and got into script. That’s what’s all over my torso. I didn’t really care about covering up the scars, I was so angry though, I wanted to scream all the time. And I did, a lot, when I wasn’t on drugs. Thank God I did most of this in Asian or Greek because my body is covered in death, hell and all sorts of stuff now. But the way it is, no one really knows what it says.”

  “Tell me.”

  I point to the largest one that runs down my left side. “This one says, ‘Life is death.’ I’m glad I made it small. I love ink, don’t get me wrong. But this one is so morbid to me now that I’m in a better place.”

  “What about this one?”

  “I had this done when I started to see the light again. After I met Case. ‘I tried hating life but I couldn’t. I tried dying but I didn’t. From this day forward, I’ll accept what I did wrong and strive to do what’s right.’”

  “That’s so profound.”

  “It means a lot because when I was using, I hurt a lot of people. Some of them I was close to, such as my parents, but others I didn’t even know that well. I hated myself every day for what I was doing, but I didn’t know how to stop. Now, I try to take responsibility for my actions.”

  “I think you’re amazing to be where you are after what you’ve been through.”

  “Sky, I was a fucking bastard, so you shouldn’t say that.”

  Her lips touch my cheek and then she points to a series of tic marks. “What about these?”

  I grin. “Ah. Those are my sobriety days. I started getting one a day and when I reached thirty, I went to one a week, then one a month. Those I’m super proud of. And now, I’ve switched to actual numbers. That’s what the ‘1’ means.”

  Her fingers dance across them and then move to the script on the right side of my torso. “And this?”

  “Sky, read it.”

  She gives me one of her smart ass looks. And then reads, “Every day is a blessing. Count it as one. Life is a challenge. Live it as one. Cheat death, not yourself. Think of others, not yourself. Care enough to learn to love.”

  When she finishes, she looks up at me and her eyes glisten. “Did you write that?”

  “Yeah.”

  “It’s beautiful.” She leans in and touches her lips to the inke
d words and I’m lost. My hands lift her onto my lap and we kiss.

  But her words stop anything else from happening. “Wait! You didn’t tell me about your piercing.”

  This makes me cringe. “You really wanna know about it?”

  “Well, yeah.”

  “There was this girl.” I feel her stiffen. “Sky, you have to know I fucked around a lot. I was high all the time. I guess it’s time for my truth. I did some terrible things. Things I don’t want to tell you about because I’m ashamed of them now. But I was with this girl one night and we were both high. She was a professional … had her own piercing business. After we, ah, had sex, she told me I should get pierced. I didn’t know a damn thing about it, but she said she pierced guys all the time. So I said why the hell not. We were at her place and she had all the equipment. So she pierced me. Told me how to take care of it. She explained how it enhances the pleasure of both partners and the rest is history.”

  Sky’s face is all screwed up and it looks painful. I start laughing.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “The expression on your face. It looked like it hurt.”

  “Gah, I was imagining you getting your dick pierced. That must’ve hurt like all kinds of hell.”

  “Nah, I was so high, I never felt a thing. She put an ice cube on it and it was over. She must’ve been good at it cuz I never had a problem afterwards.”

  “Did it hurt the next day?”

  “You know, I don’t remember much back then. I was using all the time and if it did, I probably just dropped another hit of Lortab or hit the crack pipe. I was such a fuck then.”

  “She was right.” Sky has a huge smile on her face.

  “What?”

  “About the piercing. It’s amazing. I love it.”