‘Wow, that’s a lot to take in,’ she says.
‘I know.’
‘A big change for you, hey?’
I nod.
‘Let’s start with the Hunks moving away. Are you sure you’re happy to just let that happen?’
‘What choice do I have? I can barely even offer them an income, never mind their name in lights. Some of them are so young – Sammy is only twenty-two. This could be life-changing for them. As their manager, it’s my job to seek bigger and better things for them.’
‘What does Jay make of you not going?’
‘I’ve been avoiding him,’ I say, hanging my head in shame.
‘What?’
‘Don’t judge me, Andri; I’m processing a lot at the moment.’
‘Okay, but you should at least set him straight. You can’t let him get away with what he did to you.’
‘I will, just not tonight. Tonight is about the competition.’
‘How do you feel about not being a part of the Las Vegas Hunks? Are you angry?’
I shake my head. ‘No, Andri, it’s business. Brad just wants to sell tickets and that’s the way he knows how. I had nothing left to offer them.’
‘What will you do?’
‘I have a gorgeous, kind friend who owns a bar. Maybe she’ll have some work for me?’ I say hopefully.
‘Hmm, of course she will. But that isn’t who you are.’
‘It could be. I’ll figure something out. Anyway, the money from the sale of the business will tide me over.’
‘I can’t believe you’re selling your eye candy!’ She means it as a joke but it horrifies me.
‘No, I’m selling the business. The brand and goodwill.’ As I say it, I realise how weak it sounds. What brand? What goodwill? Brad is buying the act. ‘Bloody hell, I’m selling the boys, aren’t I?’
Andrea shrugs. ‘Hey, I was joking. I didn’t get a chance because you cut in but I was going to say I’ll buy them, again as a joke.’
‘You don’t need to backtrack.’ How bad will I look? It looks like I’m selling them off and running away with the money.
‘Hey, it’s what they want, remember? It’s just the way of the world – business.’
‘I can’t take that money. It’s as much theirs as it is mine.’
‘Of course you can. Business sales happen all the time.’
I shake my head. ‘No, I’m not selling a shop full of stock, I’m selling humans. It’s, it’s … like trafficking.’
‘You’re being ridiculous. It’s like selling a football club. It happens all the time.’ She flicks her hair off her shoulder.
‘I can’t take that money. It doesn’t feel right.’
‘You’re well within your rights to keep that money. After all, it’s your business and they’ll be earning a good whack in Vegas.’
‘It doesn’t feel right. The lads only agreed to this deal because they thought we could all go. I had to fire them to make them go. It will look like I was after the money all along.’
‘Okay. Share it out if you’re happy with that.’ She sighs, her role as devil’s advocate coming to an end. I’m braced for her final challenge.
‘Right, now Jay.’
I check my watch. We only have a few minutes left so I look her dead in the eye, ready for whatever she’s got, safe in the knowledge that it can’t last long.
‘Are you sure you saw what you think you saw?’
‘One hundred per cent. There was no mistaking it. I sell sexual chemistry for a living – I know it when I see it.’
‘Fair point. What would happen between the two of you if you hadn’t seen what you did? Would you have gone to Las Vegas then?’
‘Of course not. I’m still not a part of the Heavenly Hunks Mark II, am I?’
‘And how about Jay? Would he still go, if you were still dating?’
‘Of course. We weren’t really dating. It wasn’t anything more than a fling, and this is his career.’
‘If it’s just a little fling, why were you bothered about some woman all over him? You were hurt when it was Alonso who had another woman dangling from him but you didn’t seem this upset.’
‘I …’ Everything else comes out as air. ‘I’ll get over it.’
Finally, Andrea’s shoulders relax as she backs off. She knows she’s got me.
‘I really like Jay, that’s all. But being with him isn’t right.’
‘I think you should talk to him. Maybe it was nothing and you can clear the air.’
‘It won’t change anything,’ I say.
‘He doesn’t know what he’s done wrong. You can’t part on such bad terms.’
‘What does it matter? It’s not like I’ll ever see him again, is it?’
She cocks her head to the side and sighs. ‘We’d better go inside. It’s probably announcement time.’
We head back in. The final act is on stage so we go backstage to find the Hunks. Marcus is rubbing the oil off his body with a towel.
‘Ooh la la.’ Andrea winks at him.
‘Guys, can you gather around for a sec?’ I say, loud enough to get everyone’s attention.
The guys are in various states of undress and trickle over as and when they become decent. ‘I just wanted to say I thought you were fantastic tonight. It doesn’t matter what the result is. You’re all so in sync with one another that I know you’re going to smash Vegas.’
I accidentally catch Jay’s eye, but he quickly looks down at the floor.
‘Anyway, they’re going to announce the winner of the competition any minute now, so get out there!’ I gesture towards the crowd. I wait for them to leave but Jay hangs back.
‘Can we talk yet?’
‘After the results,’ I say softly, forcing a smile. My chest is tight. Being so close to him again is too much. In this moment, it would be all too easy to forget what I saw and fall under his spell. I want to fall into his arms, for him to stroke my hair and tell me everything will be okay. I want the citrusy smell of his aftershave to envelop me, but, most of all, I want to feel his warm comfort again. He nods and heads towards the stage wings. Once he’s gone, I exhale, but my throat is constricted. I thought I could be professional and treat Jay like the rest of the dancers but I can’t.
‘Andrea, I need to get out of here. Tell the guys I wasn’t feeling well.’
Her mouth opens, but before she has a chance to reply, I dart back out through the fire door, ordering a taxi as soon as I’m in the inky darkness of the night.
Chapter 30
‘Kat, wait!’
I’m not running exactly, but I am walking as fast as is possible before it would be classed as running. I can’t even tell who shouted at me over the noise of the air whooshing past my ears and the cars on the nearby road. I don’t care. I’ve said all that I can manage for tonight.
‘Can you please stop walking?’ I almost crash into the body belonging to the voice. When my eyes meet those familiar brown ones, thunder roars through my chest and I freeze.
‘Jay?’ He must have come out through the main entrance and beat me to the hotel drop-off.
‘Thank God for that! What’s gotten into you?’ His eyes are wide and riddled with despair.
‘Did we win? I … I don’t feel well.’
‘Bollocks. You’ve been avoiding me ever since the last performance and I don’t know why. Now you’ve fired us all and you’re not coming to the States? But forget that for now – first, I think you owe me an explanation. And I don’t know if we won. I came straight out after you.’
I look around. There’s nobody about but I still don’t want the conversation here. ‘All right, there’s a little bar a mile or so away. Let’s go for a drink. I’ve already booked a taxi.’
His facial muscles visibly relax. I think he expected more resistance from me. We wait in silence for the taxi to arrive. When it does, he holds the door open and I slip inside. ‘Did you hear anything back from your mum yet?’ I ask, remembering how cold I was y
esterday.
‘No. I only posted the letter yesterday morning though, so it’s too soon. I gave her my email address. I just thought with the move and everything …’ He tapers off.
‘I’m sure she’ll want to speak to you,’ I say. He doesn’t reply and we sit in silence for the rest of the short journey. When we get to the bar I choose a table outside whilst Jay grabs a waiter and orders two beers. It’s too dark to see the sea, but I hear the gorgeous sound of waves tumbling onto the shore in the jet-black abyss as I wait. I’m too nauseous to enjoy it.
‘Okay, what’s going on?’ Jay’s words are out before his bum even touches his seat.
My stomach hardens with dread. Having this conversation seems ridiculous. Things with Jay were so new that I don’t know if I even have a right to be upset about him and that woman. We’d not had ‘the talk’ about relationships or said I love you; that’s why I didn’t want to say anything in the first place. I suppose if I do fill him in, it should make him think twice about hurting someone else in the future. In Las Vegas. I still can’t get used to the fact they’re all going to America.
‘Right, I have been pushing you away and I do owe you an explanation,’ I say cautiously.
Jay settles back into his seat. He looks like a weight has been lifted but I haven’t even started yet.
‘I’ve told you I didn’t have a great marriage.’
He nods but presses his eyebrows together. ‘I thought you were over that?’
‘Well, Iain was jealous and possessive, but he was quite controlling and manipulative too.’ I stare across the road at the closed shutter of a sunglasses shop. ‘He twisted things and lied. He made me question and doubt myself to the point I thought I might be ill.’ I let out an exasperated sigh. ‘It’s hard to talk about because it doesn’t seem possible.’
‘You can talk to me, Kat. I’m not judging you – I know this stuff happens.’
‘Over time, he wore away little chinks in my armour. He’d deny conversations we’d had, to the point where I doubted my own memory. It started off as little things, like him saying he’d pick up a takeaway on his way home from work then swearing blind no such conversation took place. I wondered if he was losing the plot initially, but then he’d have this whole backstory, and parts of that would be true but he’d throw in extra bits that I didn’t remember. It’s hard to explain. I felt like I had these black spots in my mind. I was embarrassed.’
‘Oh, Kat. How about your friends and family? Did they try to help?’
‘I lost touch with my friends and family because he made me believe they were just using me. I trusted him so much that I thought I was losing my mind, and he made me believe that he was the only person in the world who was willing to help me … to love me …’
‘I’m sorry he did that to you,’ Jay says, though I’m not telling him because I want sympathy. I’m telling him because I need him to understand me. To understand just how much his betrayal hurt.
‘It’s fine, I really am over it, but the experience has shaped who I am now.’
‘Did you talk to anyone about what you went through?’
‘No. I suppose I was too ashamed. I mean, how can you question your own sanity over what one person says and does? I never forgot or misinterpreted conversations with anyone else, yet I fully accepted that’s what happened with Iain. It could be little things, like he’d say he’d meet me at Pizza Express at seven and turn up at eight and argue with me about how I always make mistakes like that. How could that ever make sense to someone who hasn’t been through it?’
Jay presses his lips together but doesn’t answer. I don’t expect him to.
‘When I came out here, I knew I needed to stay in control of myself. I’d fallen into Iain’s trap so easily I was terrified it might happen again with someone new, so I decided the safest thing to do was to not let anybody in. When I set up the Heavenly Hunks, I micromanaged the entire thing – the guys, their every move in rehearsals, our every show, every aspect of the tours – because I couldn’t risk anyone taking over my life again.’
‘And you built a successful act. Plus, to be fair, the lads need that level of management.’
I smile. ‘Anyway, pity party over.’ I slap my hands on my thighs. ‘It’s all done with now but I want you to understand me. I want you to know how hard it’s been to let someone in after being so independent for so long.’
Jay puts his hand out to take mine but I pick up the drinks menu.
‘Never feel ashamed of what he did to you.’ He locks his eyes on mine and, despite the warm air, a shiver runs down my spine. ‘And don’t be afraid of it happening again. I was going to say the Heavenly Hunks have your back, and we do, but you don’t need us. You’re strong, Kat, and it’s time to go after what you want.’
‘What I want doesn’t exist,’ I say.
He looks hurt. ‘What do you mean?’
‘After the last gig, I saw you.’ I give him a look, hoping he’ll make the connection himself and I won’t have to spell it out.
‘You saw me?’ His brow furrows.
‘I saw you outside.’
Nothing.
‘With that blonde woman? At the semi-final.’ God, I can’t believe he’s making me say it.
‘What wo—’
I practically see the penny drop.
‘Ohh.’ He nods. I nod too, with pursed lips to show we’re on the same wavelength. Hopefully, now that’s registered, we can draw a line under this.
Then he laughs. I wasn’t expecting that. Not from Jay. Not after everything I’ve just told him. The uneasy feeling of history repeating itself engulfs me.
‘Really? It’s funny to you, is it? After I’ve just poured my heart out?’ I fold my arms defensively but I can feel tears pricking my eyes, defying me, showing him I care too much.
‘Let me explain.’ His soft words make me wince.
You’re losing the plot, Kat.
‘I don’t need an explanation. I know we were nothing official and we hadn’t specifically outlined what the rules were—’
‘Rules? Kat, just be quiet and listen for a minute, please.’
Taken aback, I do as he says.
‘All right. That woman was Brad’s business partner, Jenny.’
I let the words sink in. Jenny? As in Jenny Grant? ‘But—’
He holds his hand up. He’s not done. ‘She was just fooling around and telling me how much she loved our show – she was joking about how we should have a “stroking policy”, like a petting zoo. It was a moment of silliness that meant nothing to either of us. That’s when Brad was asking about meeting up with you.’
‘I’m sorry, but it looked a lot more than a business chat from where I was standing. Was Brad even there?’ How did I not recognise her? I suppose I didn’t see her face.
‘Yes! He’d just walked a few feet away to have a smoke, and if you’d have come outside you’d have seen that. Okay, I get that she was a little full-on, but she was messing about and I stepped away a few seconds later. I had no idea it was because they wanted to sign the Hunks but I knew Brad was a judge and maybe let the joke go a little further because I didn’t want to make things awkward right before the final. It was harmless. Brad was laughing his head off.’
‘But Sammy saw you too,’ I say, unconvinced. I’ve been here before, and this time around I’m not falling for any lies.
‘Sammy wasn’t there! If he saw me with her, he hasn’t mentioned it to me. They grabbed me straight after the show. I chatted with them for an hour or so whilst the guys were chatting up audience members, then Jenny left to call her husband and I introduced Brad to the guys. None of them were even there. Ask them.’
‘But Sammy said she dragged you outside by the waistband.’ I’m confused, but if Jay is lying, he’s good at it.
‘She did drag me out of the bar but I can’t remember what by. She was excited to introduce me to Brad. She’s like that – hands on and excitable.’
‘Surely Sammy said
something to you about the “hot blonde woman”. He told everyone else.’ I don’t know what to think. I’ve been here before and fallen for stories just like this one. My whole body is in a vice. ‘I can’t do this.’ I go to stand.
‘Please, Kat, don’t go. I swear Sammy didn’t mention it to me. It won’t be a big deal to him and the excitement of Las Vegas took over just after, so that’s all we’ve talked about.’
‘Oh,’ is all I can manage. Am I overreacting? If so, I feel like a prize twat and this is exactly how I never wanted to feel again. If I’m right, I’m a fool for letting Jay in, and if I’m wrong, I’m a fool for getting worked up. I know Jay isn’t Iain but I’m still me. I also know what I saw. Is Jay’s excuse plausible? If it was Jenny Grant, I highly doubt she’d be carrying on with someone in public.
‘I know you care.’ He sips his beer and then his expression changes. I’m expecting him to call me crazy or something, but he doesn’t.
‘We can talk to Jenny if you like? She was staying for drinks after the show.’
I shake my head. ‘No, I need to learn to trust.’
He gives me a small, reassuring smile. ‘Were you really not part of the Vegas deal or did you tell Brad you didn’t want to go because of all this?’
‘I really wasn’t a part of it,’ I say, sipping my drink. ‘But I’m okay with that,’ I add.
‘You wouldn’t leave the Hunks.’
‘It’s the right thing to do. Besides, whilst living under Iain’s manipulation for all those years was wrong, it’s also wrong to use my own control over the Hunks as a coping mechanism. The right thing to do is let you all fly and for me to learn how to live with myself. I’ve focused on the Hunks for eight years and in that whole time, I’ve not worked on myself. I’ve been so obsessed with not letting anyone control me again that I’ve become the controlling figure in my own life.’
‘Kat, hang on. You’re focused and driven but you’re being really hard on yourself.’
I bite down on my lip. ‘Jay, in order to truly lay my past to rest, I have to let go.’
‘Kat, I get why you’re letting the guys go to live their dream but I don’t get why you’re letting me go.’
Sun, Sea and Sangria Page 19