I run my fingers through the condensation on my glass. ‘Because of the way I behaved; the fact I couldn’t trust you or my own instincts tells me that I have to heal, Jay, and you need a fresh start. You deserve someone who can love and trust you and I just don’t think I can be that person.’
‘What if I think you can? What if I wanted to stay for you?’ He takes my hand and pulls me towards him, kissing my fingers. I start to enjoy the feeling of him but it’s dangerous territory. I yank it back.
‘I’m not prepared to feel that way again.’
‘You mean jealous.’
He’s being polite but I can’t be afraid of the word anymore. ‘Crazy.’
‘Why would you ever need to? It was a stupid one-time thing.’
‘Jay,’ I snap. ‘I don’t like who I become when I’m in a relationship. I don’t want to be wondering where you are or who you’re with all the time.’
‘I thought you were the one person who could see past the bad in me.’ He clenches his jaw. I watch the tendons tighten beneath his skin.
‘Jay.’ I soften my tone. How did my insecurities become offensive to him? This just proves we’re a bad idea. ‘You know this isn’t about you. It’s about me and my baggage. You’ve done nothing wrong. I just can’t be with anyone.’
‘You know, that ex of yours really did a number on you. If you carry on refusing to trust people, he’s going to continue to ruin your life. I’ll go to Las Vegas if that’s what you want, but just know this.’ He leans forward to look me dead in the eye. ‘I would stay in Tenerife to be with you. I want to stay with you, but I want to hear that you want that too. All you need to do is say the words.’ He stands up, looking me in the eye for a moment longer than I’m comfortable with. I remain silent and his eyes glisten with moisture. With that, he walks off, leaving his words hanging in the air.
Chapter 31
When I leave my apartment the next morning, I’m surprised to see Ant, Marcus and Sammy laughing by the pool. I assumed they’d be having a lie-in after the inevitable after-party last night.
‘How are you feeling, Kat?’ Marcus shouts when he spots me. I head over.
‘Better, thanks. How did it go? I can’t believe I missed the results.’
‘Second place.’ He says with a shrug. ‘That La Leona bird won.’
‘That’s great. I’m pleased with second.’ I didn’t expect to win. The further we got into the competition, the better the acts were, so I’m proud we came so far. La Leona, the opera singer, was pretty amazing.
‘Yeah, we went a bit hard on the celebrations. It was light when we got back so we just stayed out here.’
I smile but then pain rips through me. I’m going to miss these lads so much. Just stepping outside my apartment and not seeing them here is going to be too much. I turn towards the pool and pretend to ponder a dip so they don’t see my eyes start to well.
‘Kat, can we talk?’ Marcus drapes his arm across my shoulders, so I quickly dab the corners of my eyes and nod.
He leads me into the garden area. ‘Kat, has something gone on between you and Jay?’
His words jolt me. I instinctively go to deny it, but what good is lying now? ‘Nothing serious,’ I say.
‘I knew it! I could sense the tension but everyone else thought I was nuts. Only Pauw agreed with me. Anyway, is he the reason you’re not coming to Vegas? If he is, we’ll all vote to get rid of him. He’s still the new kid in the Hunks and our loyalty is to you.’
My stomach is an uneasy churn of love for Marcus’s sweet dedication and sadness for Jay, who loves the guys like brothers. ‘Please, that’s not necessary. Jay belongs in the show as much as anyone – he’s not the reason. What I told you was the honest truth; Brad’s offer didn’t include me and I want you guys to be a huge success.’
Marcus looks down at me, his big dark eyes checking for any signs of dishonesty. When he’s satisfied, he nods. ‘Okay. It’s not going to be the same without you, you know.’
‘It might be better,’ I say, forcing myself to sound upbeat. ‘And listen, we’ll stay in touch. I’ll be here if you need advice or anything and I’ll be following your shows online. It will work out, I promise.’
‘And you could visit?’ He grins.
‘We’ll see. I’m about to beg Andrea for work and I’m not sure she’ll pay well enough to cover long-haul flights.’
‘Probably not,’ he says. ‘I can’t believe we go in a week or so. It’s the end of an era.’
‘It sure is.’
‘Listen, I need to go and have a nap because I’m going shopping later for some Vegas bits. But we’ll catch up tonight if you’re free? Maybe we could get the guys together and go for dinner?’
‘Sounds good.’
I hug Marcus goodbye and head to Andrea’s bar. She’s wiping down tables and looks up when she hears me walk in.
‘Good morning,’ she says. ‘Such a shame about the competition last night.’
I shrug. ‘It’s all a bit meaningless now. I mean, I’m sure the ten grand would have come in handy, but what the heck.’
‘Did Jay catch up with you?’
My body tenses. ‘Yes.’
‘Okay, I can tell you don’t want to talk about that. Just tell me one thing – has anything changed since last night?’
‘No.’
‘Okay. Then I’m guessing you’re here about work?’
‘Yes, please. I’ll do anything you can offer me.’
‘I could use an extra bartender in the evening, say eight till twelve, and someone to help with the breakfast shift from nine until noon if either of those suit? The tips are good in the morning.’
‘I’ll take both,’ I reply without thinking. It will be good to stay busy and there will be time for the beach or a nap during the day. Perfect.
‘Do you want to start after the Hunks leave?’
I ponder this. On the one hand, it would be great to have some time together before they go, but on the other, the distraction will be good. ‘I can start now.’
She raises an eyebrow and throws me a tea towel. ‘Okay, I’ll show you the ropes.’
After my first shift, I go to the beach and walk along the deserted September shoreline, letting the icy water tickle my feet as they sink into the cold, wet sand. Marcus’s words ring in my mind: ‘It’s the end of an era’. It really is, and the profound sadness that thought brings twists my insides so tightly it almost cripples me. I sit on the drier sand and wrap my arms around my goose-pimpled legs. I want to cry but I can’t seem to get it out; I think there’s too much despair wrapped in the sadness. I’m at a loss and all I can do is carry on through the next steps of my life.
When I get back to the apartment complex, the pool is quiet. I assume everyone is napping or the shopping spree is in full swing. I walk quickly towards the staircase, keeping my head low to avoid seeing anyone. As I round the corner, I smash into a solid frame.
‘Sorry, I …’ I pause. Jay’s brown eyes send a frisson of electricity through me. No matter how successful I am at pushing him out of my mind, I can’t control the visceral reaction I get when I see him.
‘Don’t mind me,’ he says but there’s a casual urgency in his tone, which is odd.
‘I was just heading for a lie-down.’ It’s not entirely true but I might need one now.
‘I was just trying to gather the guys. I’ve got some news for them but you need to hear this too.’ He rakes his hands through his hair. ‘Brad has booked us flights to London to sort out our visas. I ran into him at the hotel when I went to pick up our gear. He tried to call you.’
‘I had my phone off at work and forgot to turn it back on.’
‘We’re leaving in three days and there won’t be time to come back here before we fly to Las Vegas.’
‘Three days!’ No, that’s too soon. My throat constricts.
‘We have to have interviews at the US embassy to get our P-visas. I still don’t know if I’ll get one yet because of my past.
I never expected I’d be attempting to move to the States. It all feels quite surreal.’
I don’t reply.
He looks at me imploringly, his warm eyes searching my face for something … a reason to stay?
‘Good luck,’ I mumble and practically run up the steps to my apartment.
***
There’s a knock at my door as I’m making coffee. ‘Who is it?’ I shout.
‘Paul.’
I breathe a sigh of relief and open the door.
He looks me over. ‘God, you look like crap.’
I can feel that my face is puffy from crying. ‘Late night,’ I say unconvincingly.
‘I thought you were ill.’
‘That too.’
‘Kat, it’s not too late to come with us if you’ve changed your mind.’
‘No, I haven’t. It’s time we went our separate ways. It’s just our time, Paul.’ The words almost choke me. ‘I am going to miss you all though.’
‘We’ll miss you too.’ He wipes his glossy eyes with the back of his hand. ‘Anyway, Marcus mentioned going out for dinner and I just came to let you know he’s booked that Chinese restaurant down on the promenade for seven.’
I check the clock on my phone; I have an hour. ‘Great, shall we meet downstairs at quarter to?’
‘Perfect – see you then.’
I close the door behind him and slump against it. I just need to get through the next two days. Once they’ve gone I’m sure I’ll find it easier to cope.
As I get ready, a consuming feeling of loneliness creeps over me. It’s a darkness that descends from nowhere, constricting me. It slides down my throat, filling my stomach and chest with unease. I haven’t felt like this since I was with Iain and I’ve a feeling it’s going to stay with me for a while. I have to take a minute to convince myself I’ll be okay.
When I’m ready, I drag myself downstairs. I’m five minutes late so everyone is there waiting.
‘About time,’ Ant teases as I join them.
‘You look stunning, Kat.’ Paul kisses me on the cheek. I catch Jay’s eye and he quickly looks away. ‘Shall we make a move?’
We set off walking en masse towards the restaurant. Jay and Marcus walk ahead, and I walk with Paul at the back while the rest prat about in the middle, their excitement for Las Vegas bouncing off them.
We take our seats around the table, order food and drinks quickly, and then start chatting. The buzz of excitement coming from them helps me push aside the sadness I feel at them all leaving soon.
‘What’s the first thing you’re going to do in Vegas?’ Marcus asks the table.
‘Bellagio fountains,’ Paul says.
‘Shopping at the Venetian,’ Phil adds. ‘Since I’ll be a gentleman of leisure.’
‘I really want to go to a Hooters,’ Sammy says.
‘I want to gamble on Fremont Street,’ Ant says.
‘Sleep,’ Jay says, to a table of gasps. ‘What? It’s a long way, we’ll be jet-lagged.’
I laugh with everyone else but Jay purposely avoids making eye contact.
‘What about you, Marcus?’ Paul asks.
‘I want to see the lions at the MGM Grand.’
‘Hang on a minute, Sam, you’re in Las Vegas and you want to go to a Hooters?’ Ant asks.
Sammy shrugs. ‘I always see them in movies and they look fun.’
‘It’s like sneaking a McDonald’s burger into the Ivy,’ says Marcus. ‘There’s a bloody Spearmint Rhino there.’
‘I don’t want a strip club, I just thought … you know what, never mind. The first thing I want to do in Vegas is ditch you lot.’
‘Ahh, Sammy, who’ll buy your beer for you if you ditch us? The drinking age is twenty-one you know,’ Marcus says.
‘I’m almost twenty-three, you dick, and you know it. You’re just jealous because you’re past it, old-timer.’
‘If he’s an old-timer, what am I?’ I ask, though I’m enjoying the banter.
‘You’re our queen, Kat,’ Sammy says with a wink that sends a warm glow through my body.
‘Bloody old-timer.’ Marcus shakes his head. ‘I can still rock a red G-string better than you.’
‘The red G-string is all yours, mate. Anyway, it’s Jay who’s going to be pole-dancing around a Zimmer come opening night,’ Sammy continues. We all look at Jay, who glances up from his beer glass, startled like he’s just woken up.
‘Sorry, guys. I was miles away.’
‘Hearing’s going already.’ Marcus laughs and the banter continues. Jay’s eyes sink back down to his beer glass and my chest sinks with them. I hate to see him look so broken.
The food arrives and changes the focus, with everyone diving in to secure their dumplings and pieces of shredded duck.
‘We’ve all been talking about Vegas and getting excited, but we’ve got some other things to say,’ Marcus says as he drizzles plum sauce onto a pancake. ‘Kat, we have so much to thank you for. You’ve been the rock that we all needed at some point. You’ve been our surrogate mother, our leader and our best friend.’ He chokes a little and my chest aches.
‘It’s true.’ Paul picks up where Marcus left off. ‘We all needed you more than you’ll ever know. The Heavenly Hunks is you, and the fact we’re all going to continue the journey without you is unimaginable.’
‘But we understand why you’re staying,’ Ant says.
‘And we respect your choice,’ says Sammy.
‘Thank you for everything, Kat,’ Hugo says in his accented English.
Emotion swells in my chest and erupts in a sob before I can stop it. ‘Guys, obviously the Heavenly Hunks is a business and Brad offered me a lump sum to buy the business. Taking it didn’t feel right—’
‘You’ve earned that fair and square,’ Marcus chips in. I hold my hand up to quieten him.
‘After thinking about it, I agree. I have earnt that money fair and square, but so have you, so I’ve split it equally between us.’ Paul opens his mouth to protest. ‘It’s not a huge amount each but it’s enough to treat yourselves and have a bit to get you going in Las Vegas. It’s already in your bank accounts.’
‘Kat, you shouldn’t have done that, love,’ Marcus says.
‘I wanted to, and besides, I have a job working for Andrea so I won’t be short. I’ve loved every minute of working with you all. I love you all so much,’ I manage as tears roll down my face. Paul and Ant stand up and give me a joint hug, which gives me a chance to compose myself.
‘Thanks you two,’ I say, patting them both. Jay still hasn’t spoken. To be fair, his feelings about leaving differ to the others and he’s said his piece already.
‘Right.’ I clap my hands together. ‘Enough of that. Let’s eat!’ Everyone tucks in, but I still have a huge ball of emotion stuck in my throat. I nibble a prawn cracker but the pieces just cling to my oesophagus.
The conversation soon turns back to Las Vegas and some horrific-sounding ride at the top of the Stratosphere Tower that they’re all mouthing off about going on. All except Sammy, who point-blank refuses and says they’re all nuts. As I take in the scene of my Tenerife family, I know I’ll cherish this moment forever.
Chapter 32
The day after the meal, everyone was busy clearing out their apartments and packing so I left them to it and went to work. Since today is their last day, we’ve decided to have a few drinks around the pool at the complex. The guys are in the mood to party and I just want to spend time with them all.
‘I can’t believe it’s our last night,’ Ant says, popping the lid off a bottle of Estrella. ‘Doesn’t feel real, does it?’
Everyone agrees with varying sprinkles of melancholic inflection.
‘Brad won’t be as good a manager as our Kat,’ Paul says, and I can’t help the smile that spreads across my face.
‘I think we should share our favourite Kat memories,’ Paul says.
I protest loudly, covering my face with my hands.
‘Okay, I’ve got one,’ S
ammy says, ignoring me. ‘It was when I’d only been with the Hunks for a few weeks. I wasn’t used to all the, er, female attention and this one girl wouldn’t leave me alone. She was pretty fit, and anyway, one thing led to another and she ended up back at the apartment. The next morning, she was still there, so I made her coffee and she followed me to the pool for a bit. I dropped hints about being busy but she still wouldn’t leave. It got quite late so, eventually, I politely told her I had to get to rehearsals and she said she’d come. I panicked, thinking I’d never get rid of her, but then Kat came in and gave her a dose of no-nonsense honesty.’
‘Ha,’ I laugh. ‘I remember her. I told her that until you guys stopped acting like players you would never settle down and she deserved better.’
‘Then you gave me a right rollocking about treating women with respect,’ Sammy says.
‘Yes, and not for the first or last time.’ I give him a pointed look.
Marcus sips his beer. ‘I’ve had “the talk” too.’
‘I think we all have,’ Ant says, laughing.
‘Anyway,’ Marcus says, ‘I think my favourite Kat memory is when I got that awful sickness bug and you twats buggered off and left me—’
‘Not true! I got you a can of Red Bull,’ Ant interrupts.
‘Er, yeah, and an adult nappy! Plus it was half a can of Red Bull, and completely flat. Very helpful, mate. Angel Kat went to the pharmacy for some Imodium and then sat with me for a whole forty-eight hours until I was feeling better. I’ll never forget that, Kat.’ He stretches over and pats my leg.
‘Mine was after I’d had that back, crack and sack wax when it was all the rage,’ Paul says.
‘When was it ever all the rage?’ Marcus interrupts.
Paul gives him a wry look and carries on. ‘I thought it would be good for the show but I came out in the most horrendous spotty rash. Kat had to put aloe vera gel on me for the next couple of days when Phil wouldn’t go near it. Above and beyond, that, Kat love.’
Gentle laughter follows.
‘Sorry, Kat, but my favourite memory of you was when we did karaoke that time and you did a full rendition of Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back”,’ Ant says.
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