‘Oh yeah, I was pretty good at that.’ I chuckle at the memory. I did it for Andrea when she was at the height of her Friends obsession.
Eyes naturally fall to Jay who, as of yet, hasn’t spoken. He must sense the attention as he looks up from the label that he’s peeling off his beer bottle. ‘My favourite Kat memory …’ He drums his fingers lightly on the bottle, like he’s working up to something. ‘All of them,’ he says.
I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. The fact he can say that after everything I’ve put him through just shows he deserves better than me.
‘The first time I met Kat, she thought I was going to mug her and almost decked me.’ He lets out a dry laugh. ‘I didn’t know what to think really. On one hand, I liked her feistiness, but I also feared for my life.’ A few of the guys laugh knowingly. ‘If I had to pick a favourite memory, it would be the first time I saw her smile. I’d just finished my audition and felt nervous as hell. I was sure she was going to turn me down, then she smiled and her eyes lit up and melted all my fear away. It was the first time I realised she was beautiful inside and out. When she kissed me and I thought we could be together, I felt like the luckiest guy in the Canaries.’
My heart feels like someone has prised open my ribcage and grabbed it. I’m crushed and I hate Iain for screwing me up so much. He’s winning and I’m letting him. I hate myself for giving in, but Jay deserves something simpler. I know he doesn’t see it now, but when he’s been away for a while he’ll look back and thank me.
Slowly, everyone turns to look at me. Awaiting my reaction.
‘Er … okay. Brilliant memories, guys,’ Paul says, trying to mask the awkwardness. ‘I think it’s safe to say we’ll all miss Kat incredibly, but our minibus is coming bright and early tomorrow so I think we should all go to bed now and sleep off the beer.’
Everyone except Jay rises.
‘Night, Kat.’ Marcus kisses my cheek. ‘Are you seeing us off in the morning?’
‘Of course,’ I say, rubbing my hand over his upper arm.
‘I will see you around sometime. I’ve got a job at the new bar at the marina.’ Hugo says.
‘Definitely. You know where I’ll be.’ I embrace him warmly.
I say goodnight to the others and they vanish quicker than Magica’s iguana.
‘What about you, Jay? Don’t you want some sleep before your flight tomorrow?’ I’m seething with him but ‘Manager Kat’ can’t just leave him out here in his current state.
‘I’m fine. Just leave me alone.’ He makes a lame shooing gesture with his hand.
Rage surges through me. I can’t believe what he just did. ‘You had no right to say what you did in front of everyone.’
‘I was sharing my favourite Kat memory, just like everyone else was.’
‘You’ve had too much to drink.’ I shake my head. I know he’s hurt but there’s no point going over old ground. ‘Let’s get you up to bed.’
‘I’ve had two beers.’ He glances at the bottles beside him. ‘Maybe four.’
‘Jay?’ I add weight to the word, hoping it’s enough to make him stop and remember why I’m doing this.
He looks down at the beer bottle and picks at the label. The muscles in his jaw tense. He looks as though he’s about to speak but doesn’t.
‘Come on,’ I say, with more authority this time.
‘For once, can you just let me make a decision? I want to sit out here for a while.’
I hold up my hand. ‘Fine.’ Then I turn to walk away.
‘You’re like Fort Knox,’ he calls after me, ‘locking your precious feelings in and shutting me out because of things that happened to you in the past, and it breaks my heart that you can’t let go and allow yourself to be happy.’
Why doesn’t he get it? ‘It’s not about allowing myself to be happy, Jay. It’s about keeping myself happy, and there’s a difference.’ I’ve given men a try. Iain was a manipulating control freak, Alonso was a womaniser; I see what the Hunks get up to with their fans and after just a few weeks with Jay, I suspect him of cheating. Relationships just don’t work for me.
He rolls his eyes. ‘It’s like talking to a brick wall.’
‘You’ll get over it.’ I bite my lip. I didn’t mean to sound quite so harsh and patronising but I can’t backtrack now.
‘Don’t you get it? It’s not about how I feel. It’s about you. I want you to be happy.’
‘Then just let me be,’ I whisper.
He looks past me to the glowing blue water of the pool. His facial muscles have relaxed and the light gives him a hollowed-out, gaunt appearance, almost like the soul has gone from inside him and left him deflated.
My instinct is to go to him and stroke his hair, but instead I turn and walk towards my apartment. When I’m inside with the door shut, my mind turns to all the things he said earlier. I don’t think I’ve ever been called beautiful before. As I replay what he said over and over in my head, my stomach twists tighter with each memory. The feelings I experienced each time we were together pelt me like stones: the first time I laid eyes on him, our first date, our first kiss. Each pleasurable memory turning to pain.
This will be easier after tomorrow.
Chapter 33
‘I can’t believe this is it,’ I say. Paul, Marcus, Jay, Ant and Sammy are lined up by the minibus with their cases and backpacks slung over their shoulders. Five pairs of watery eyes; five sets of slumped shoulders and sombre faces before me.
‘I can’t believe you’re not coming,’ Paul says. ‘I’m not even bothered about leaving Phil because I know he’s joining me in a few weeks, but you, Kat, I don’t know how I’ll get by without you,’ he chokes out. My own throat is so full of emotion that I can’t speak; instead, I wrap him in the tightest hug possible.
‘Bye, Pauw,’ I whisper once I’m able.
‘Gonna miss you, Kat,’ Sammy says.
‘You too, love. Stay out of trouble!’ I squeeze him tightly and move along to Ant.
‘Keep them all in line for me, won’t you?’
He smiles and nods with watery eyes.
‘I’m going to miss you,’ Marcus says as I move towards him.
‘I know.’ I nod. ‘Me too.’ God, this hurts. Marcus, seeing the pain on my face, wraps me tightly in his arms.
‘Jay,’ I say, pulling away from Marcus.
He doesn’t speak. Instead, he steps forwards and wraps his strong, thick arms around my waist, holding me so close our lips brush against one another’s. His eyes are intent on mine, and everyone else evaporates around us. He lifts his hand to gently brush away the hair that’s blown across my face, and a tingle spreads from my neck to the base of my spine. I’m in a trance as he moves the extra inch and presses his warm, full lips to mine. Heat fills my body as each cell magnetises, desperate to pull Jay even closer. Before I know what’s happening, my body melts into his as our lips move in sync, wanting more.
The sound of whoops and cheers brings me back to reality. What the hell am I doing? I pull away but Jay doesn’t release me straight away. I look him in his pleading eyes. They’re willing me to change my mind and ask him to stay, but I won’t do it. Eventually he releases me.
‘Things could have been different,’ he whispers.
‘Goodbye, Jay.’
The minibus driver starts rushing them, gesturing frantically for them to get inside. I can’t blame the poor guy; he probably has plenty more jobs to get to today and we could be here forever. When they’re all seated safely inside, he slams the door with a huff. I can see Marcus and Jay through the window. They’re both looking at me. Marcus gives a watery smile whilst Jay’s eyes burn through me. It hurts so much to see them leaving, and to see the anguish on Jay’s face, that I have to look away. I wave as the minibus moves off. When it’s out of sight, unable to bear the weight any longer, I allow the crushing sensation to take hold. It’s so intense I can’t breathe. I step backwards and stumble over the kerb. I feel myself give way to the overbalance and
start to fall.
My arms flail, seeking something solid to grasp, when all of a sudden, something grabs me from behind and stops the inevitable.
‘I got you.’
Strawberry-scented hair wafts in front of my face.
‘Thought you might need a friend today.’
When I’m steady, I turn around and bury my face in Andrea’s hair as she wraps me in a tight embrace. I can’t speak, the lump in my throat is so painful, so I just let her hold me.
‘So, do you feel like a momma bear who’s just waved her beloved cubs off into the wild?’
‘I feel like part of me has been ripped away.’
‘I know, honey.’ She strokes my hair. ‘It was always going to be hard, but it will get easier – especially when you hear from them and you know they’re doing okay.’
‘I know,’ I whisper. ‘It’s just that my whole life has gone in a flash – my work, my friends, my family. What do I have left?’
‘You have me,’ she says. ‘And a new job at a bar where the boss hates tardiness, so you’d better move your butt. You start in fifteen minutes.’
I laugh and dry my salty tears. I know Andrea is only trying to keep my mind off things but I just want to curl up in bed and cry.
‘I’ll be there. Let me go and do something with my puffy face first.’
She smiles. ‘I’ll see you there when you’re ready.’
***
The next few weeks pass by in a blur of work and sleep. It’s surreal, like one life ended and another began. I’ve only vaguely existed in both realities. Andrea has kept me busy between shifts with either cocktails, cups of tea or extra hours, so I’ve not had much of a chance to process how I feel. She’s been very sweet, but now the plasters she slapped over all the wounds in my life are starting to peel away. Last night, I couldn’t sleep and went down to the pool for some air, and I half expected to see Jay sitting there. I don’t know whether the surprise at him not being there was irrational disappointment or a symptom of losing my mind.
I think a part of me doesn’t quite believe I’ve lost my boys for good. It’s like they’ve gone off to the waterpark for the day, every day. I check my phone and almost leap in the air when I see a message from Marcus.
Hey Kat,
Sorry none of us have been in touch. There’s been loads to do. We’ve all got our visas sorted now after a few issues. We fly out to Las Vegas tomorrow. Can’t wait! We’ll be in touch when we’re there.
We all miss you loads and hope you’re enjoying your freedom.
Love ya!
M xxx
My chest pangs as I key out a reply, letting him know I’m okay and wishing them well. Jay must have managed to get a visa then. I get a sinking feeling. Perhaps I didn’t expect him to. Perhaps I thought that if his visa was refused, he’d come back here and there would be less pressure on us because I wouldn’t be the reason for him staying. I hate myself for feeling this way.
Letting him go was the right decision and I’ll be happier for it in the long run. I just have to stay strong.
Chapter 34
‘Kat!’ Phil shouts excitedly from across the bar.
I walk over to him and gesture to a table. ‘Sit down and I’ll get you a drink.’
‘A Coke Zero would be great.’
I return a few moments later with two Coke Zeros. ‘So, what brings you here?’
‘I leave tomorrow,’ he says, jiggling with excitement.
‘Oh gosh, has that much time passed already?’ I run the mental calculation. The guys have been in Las Vegas for just under a fortnight. I’ve been following their new Instagram page, but so far it’s just been rehearsals.
‘Paul has been on the phone to me every day telling me how amazing the apartment is, and the Strip and the malls and everything. I can’t wait to see it all for myself.’
A pang of sadness strikes. It’s so much more than I ever gave them or could even imagine offering them. I’m so happy they’ve got this opportunity but disappointed that I couldn’t give it to them.
Phil is so excited, I raise a smile. ‘It sounds amazing.’
‘Do you regret not going out there?’
‘No.’ My throat is dry so I sip my Coke. ‘I love being here, and besides that, I had no job to go to so would never have gotten a visa.’
‘You could have done the ninety days like me.’ He grins.
‘I don’t have the benefit of a high-earning life partner to live with. What’s your plan after the ninety days?’
‘I’m hoping the guys have an idea by then on whether or not they’re going to be staying six or twelve months.’ He starts wittering about visas and ESTAs but I’m barely listening.
I shrug. ‘I’ve no idea. I think the US visa system is a mystery to most.’
‘Did you know they’re doing their first show tomorrow night?’
‘No,’ I say, unsure of why it hurts so much that I didn’t. I’m not their manager anymore. I suppose it’s the kind of thing I thought at least one of them would let me know about.
‘There’s a live stream on IGTV and I think highlights will be going on their YouTube channel.’
‘Great.’ I force a smile. To be honest, I’ve been cyber-stalking them since the minute they left. Their followers are blowing up and they’ve only done a few promo appearances.
Phil reaches across the table and covers my hand in his. ‘It’s okay to feel weird about all this. The Hunks were yours for so long, and you made them great. You don’t have to hide the fact you’re finding this difficult. I know that in many ways, they are too.’ I don’t say it, but I’m glad he doesn’t mention Jay specifically. As much as I miss the Heavenly Hunks, it’s Jay who I find myself thinking of the most.
‘Thanks, Phil.’
‘I didn’t do anything,’ he says.
‘For understanding.’
He accepts that with a knowing look, then sips his drink. ‘Listen, I have to go and get the rest of my packing done but I wanted to say goodbye.’ He stands up and rests his hand on my shoulder. ‘I hope you find your happiness.’
‘Thanks, Phil. Give my love to the boys.’
***
My mum and dad arrive a few days later. After a tearful reunion, we head to one of the bars on the promenade.
‘So, love, it must be a bittersweet feeling for you at the moment?’ Mum asks. She’s put on about three stone since I last saw her and her red frizzy hair has grown outwards in all directions. Both have given her a jolly, amiable appearance.
‘If you mean about the Heavenly Hunks going on to bigger, brighter things then you’re right,’ I say. ‘It’s the end of an era but I’m incredibly proud of what we achieved together.’
‘You should be,’ Dad says, patting my hand. ‘A right little business brain you’ve got there – just like your old man.’ Dad hasn’t changed much. He’s always had a big beer belly and a jovial-looking face. Just his hair has thinned and the grey is starting to turn a snowy white around his temples.
It’s nice they’re here. Things feel normal again – I think they feel it too because we’re chatting like old times. They’ve never brought Iain up and I moved here so soon after I left him that I never got a chance to explain.
‘You know Iain?’ I ask, prompting my dad to sit up straighter.
‘Mmm,’ he says, setting his lips in a hard line.
‘I was going to ask what you thought of him but I think I can tell.’
‘You were too good for him,’ Mum says. ‘We never said anything, but we didn’t get a good vibe from him at all.’
‘You seemed to have to give up a lot for him, Kat, and he never gave anything up for you.’
I look down at the table. ‘Things were worse than you even knew.’
‘Oh?’ My mum presses her eyebrows together and I fill them in. There’re lots of ‘oh loves’ and ‘why didn’t you talk to us?’ type comments.
‘I’m only telling you because I’m sorry about the way I treated you. I didn’
t see what he was doing and I pushed you away.’
‘Kat, we knew it was him but we also knew you wouldn’t listen to us – we were scared you’d cut us off completely if we meddled. When you said you were moving to Tenerife to start afresh, we were so pleased because we knew you’d be away from him. Of course, we knew we’d miss you but the fact you were safe was more important. We didn’t want to push you to tell us anything; we knew you would in your own time.’
I stare at the table.
‘And here we are, eight years later.’ My dad means it as an affectionate joke but it tips me over the edge and I burst into tears.
‘Kat? I was joking, love.’ He stands up and puts his arms around me.
‘I know.’ I wipe my eyes. ‘Now I think I’ve messed up the next phase of my life too.’
‘How so?’ Mum asks softly and I find myself telling them all about Jay.
‘He sounds like he thinks the world of you,’ Mum says.
‘Hang on, Janet,’ he says to her. ‘If he’s trying to pressure Kat into a relationship when she’s not ready, he’s as bad as Iain.’
I shake my head. ‘No, Dad, it’s not like that. Jay respected me. He knows about my marriage and he didn’t pressure me. He wanted me to see that we would be great together but I let old demons take over and I couldn’t shake them.’
‘Can I be frank?’ Mum asks.
‘It’s the twenty-first century, Janet, you can be whoever you bloody want to be,’ my dad says, prompting Mum to roll her eyes.
‘Relationships take work, even the good ones. The key to making them last is communication. Every topic should be on the table for discussion.’
‘Can I interrupt?’ Dad asks. ‘I’m happy to talk to your mum about periods or emotions or whatever but if she comes home with stories of her bloody knitting club shenanigans, I shouldn’t have to listen to that. I’m not a saint.’
I laugh softly. ‘That’s not what Mum’s saying and you know it.’
He winks. I’ve missed my dad’s knee-jerk humour in a crisis.
‘Anyway,’ Mum continues, ‘if you can’t talk to your partner about anything, it probably won’t work out. What you need to do is stop questioning yourself and asking if you are strong enough to be in a relationship and start asking if Jay or whoever comes along next is a good listener.’
Sun, Sea and Sangria Page 21