by Alice Ward
“Right. That’s what I thought.” She smiled and reached up to push the hair from my forehead. “Some things never change.”
“I wish it were that way with everything.”
I looked down at the carpet. As always, our conversation had taken a course toward darker waters. Unbearable things pressed at the corners of our minds and lay on the tips of our tongues, begging to be released.
But I wouldn’t give in that easily. My life was full of darkness, but it was my job to keep that darkness in check.
Six Years Earlier…
“Hellooooo down there!” Skye shouted from between cupped hands.
“Quiet!” Trey slapped his fingers over her mouth.
“No one is out here,” she insisted in between giggles.
“Hopefully,” I added, grabbing a beer from the cooler and hopping onto the hood of Trey’s truck. “Because I don’t see anyone who’s of legal drinking age around here.”
Skye popped the tab on her own beer. “Thank God for that.”
The three of us clinked the beer cans together. The small noised seemed to amplify and echo in the dark and silent woods surrounding the quarry. “To getting the fuck out of here,” I said, holding my can against hers extra long.
“To enjoying today,” Skye said. Even in the dark, I could feel her pointed gaze on me, those bright green eye spearing into me in a way that always made my cock twitch.
“Yeah, all right. Whatever.”
Trey jumped onto the hood next to me. “Do you think there are any bodies at the bottom of this quarry?”
“Definitely,” I responded without skipping a beat. “The thing is, like, a hundred yards deep. It’s the perfect place for the mafia to hide one.” I shot Skye a glance. “Right, Skye?”
She rolled her eyes. “Of course. Everyone could use a swim in the river in concrete shoes every once in a while. It’s good for building character. Especially for assholes.”
I laughed. That joke between us never got old.
Beside me, Trey shook his head, and I could tell he was feeling a little left out.
“You afraid to jump?” I asked Skye.
She shook her head. “Oh, come on. I don’t think there’s that much water in there.”
“How would you know?”
“I should ask you the same thing.”
“If you did, I’d give you an easy answer. No one’s ever had a leg cramp in there and survived to tell the tale.”
She poked a finger into my chest. “Don’t you ever get tired of being so full of yourself?”
Excitement traveled through me at her touch, making me feel like the world had been turned upside down. I took a big gulp of beer, hoping the buzz would help kill whatever else was happening inside of me.
Maybe Stacey was free tonight…
It had been a while since I’d had a good hookup, and that meant I was getting antsy. A week or two without any decent ass and I was sure to be caught up in thoughts about Skye. Once I got some action, though, I knew I’d be fine. For a while. One little touch from her wouldn’t bother me quite as much.
“Three more days,” Trey sighed from next to me. “Three more days.”
“Till we’re free as birds,” I finished for him. “We better start drinking more now. We need to build up our tolerance for graduation night.”
Skye shuffled away in the darkness. “I do wonder how deep it is.”
I laughed. “Are you still talking about the quarry?”
“Forget dead bodies, what about all of the evidence that might be down there? If I killed someone, this is where I’d hide the knife or gun.”
“Like you’d stab anyone to death,” Trey chuckled.
She shot him a look. “I would if they crossed me.”
“Jump in,” I dared her.
My suggestion was met by silence.
“Dude,” Trey said softly after a moment, the word accompanied by a jab in my ribs.
“I’m joking. Obviously.”
We were on the highest ridge surrounding the quarry. The jump into the water would be a risky one to make even during the day. I’d never heard of anyone attempting it.
“Who besides someone with a death wish would try that?”
A faraway splash answered me.
Trey sat up straight so fast, the truck’s hood squeaked. “What was that?”
“Huh?” I looked in the direction of the overlook. My eyes had adjusted enough so that I could make out its outline. I saw two saplings and a few scraggly bushes. But no Skye.
“Skye!” Trey catapulted himself off the truck, and I followed, half running and half scrambling to the overlook’s edge. We peered down into the depths below us, but there was nothing to see.
“Skye!” Trey called again.
My heart beat so loudly I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to hear her response. I turned my head to the side and listened. Nothing.
“Skye!” I yelled, sounding like I was being strangled.
Trey turned to me. I could feel his anger like a heat wave. “Why did you tell her to do that?”
“I was joking! I didn’t think she’d actually do it!”
“Well, she did, Jake. Fuck!” He grabbed at his hair and began to pace.
“Skye!” I called, leaning way over the edge, willing myself to see her. She can’t be gone. She can’t be. “Skye!”
“We have to go down there.”
I was already pulling off my shirt. “Come on.”
The second I took a step, though, I heard her voice. “I’m okay. I’m coming up.”
Minutes passed, and I peered down into the dark, looking for her as she climbed up the steep incline. I could hear rocks fall into the water, and my terror built as I imagined her falling again, this time not on purpose.
Just as I was about to climb down to save her from being splattered on the rocks below, she emerged from the night, a lithe and pale figure in the darkness. After a few more steps, I saw she was half naked, wearing nothing but her bra and panties. For a moment, I was struck dumb. I’d seen Skye in her bathing suit before, of course, but there was something completely different about seeing a girl in her underwear. It was more intense. More real. If I wasn’t still feeling terrified, I’d probably be halfway to a major boner.
Next to me, Trey let out a low hiss.
Skye twisted her long hair into a ponytail and squeezed the water out of it. She took a small step toward us, then another. My breath seemed to freeze as she stopped inches away from me. Her exhale floated over my chin and drops of water slid from her body and hit the dirt with pit-pats that I was surprised I could hear over the roaring of blood in my ears.
“You could have killed yourself,” I said, trying to keep my voice calm. I couldn’t let Skye know about all the ways she got to me. Doing that would be wrong. Not allowed. It would be pushing the envelope. Breaking the best friend code. Breaking Trey’s heart. Hers. Mine.
Skye lifted her chin and smirked. “Maybe. But this should teach you to think before you dare me to do anything. I just might follow through.”
She turned on her heel and walked for the truck. “Someone get my clothes,” she called over her shoulder. “That water is cold as a witch’s tit.”
Trey scrambled to find her pile of clothing. I stayed where I stood, still as a statue. I’d seen a lot of sides of Skye, and her wild one never stopped amazing me.
This night, though, something was different. Her throwing caution to the wind and jumping into the water like a crazy person had done something to me. I didn’t quite understand just what. Or why she’d done it. I just knew something was changing.
With a grin plastered on my face, I rushed to the truck.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Skye
Present Day…
“What are you thinking about?”
Jake blinked and turned his eyes back to me. “Hm?”
“You just had this really faraway look in your eyes, like you were somewhere else.”
He licked
his bottom lip and my insides did a funny little dance. “I was thinking about the time you jumped into the quarry.”
My heart twisted. “Oh.”
“You remember that?”
The dare. The leap. The fall that seemed like minutes into the darkness. The icy water closing over my head, stealing my breath. “Yeah, of course.”
Jake gulped. “I dared you to do it, but I didn’t think you actually would.”
“I was a dumbass.”
“Hey, that’s supposed to be my job.”
I laughed, but the sound was brittle. “Sorry. There was an opening.”
Jake folded his arms and frowned. He was gone again, lost to another time.
“What now?”
“That was the first night that I… never mind.”
He scooted forward in his seat, like he was about to stand up and go. I scooted closer and touched his shoulder, stopping him. “Wait. Tell me… please.”
Jake let out a painful sigh, making it sound like the slightest exhale hurt him. “It was the night I knew I had to have you.”
It should have been a romantic thing to hear, but Jake delivered it in grim tones. I leaned back in my seat and absorbed his news. “Ah. Okay.”
Our eyes caught again, two lost searchlights always looking for each other. It should have been easier. We shared the same pain, carried the same burdens. But Jake assumed so much more responsibility and took on so much more weight than I did. It just wasn’t fair.
“Jake,” I whispered, reaching over and lightly cupping his jaw. His face automatically turned into the palm of my hand. I wanted to comfort him, to tell him everything was all right, but I’d done that many times before. It never worked. Not with this guy.
Jake’s warm breath washed across my hand and pulled me under. I closed my eyes and released myself to the moment. It was all I had of him — all I could allow myself to have.
As I felt him shift closer to me, I went at him. Our lips crashed together just as my head screamed, No!
Somehow, I got ahold of myself and pulled away. Jake popped up to standing. “Jesus, Skye. I’m sorry.”
I pressed my fingers against my lips. They burned hot, their temperature a sign of their guilt. “I am too. We just said we weren’t going to do this.”
“Yeah, I know.” He began to pace back and forth. “Is this about Brad?”
“What? No.”
He frantically shook his head. “That was stupid. I shouldn’t have said that.”
How many times did I need to say it? “Brad and I aren’t together. We’ve gone out, but we’re not… he’s not my boyfriend.”
Jake briefly glanced my way but didn’t stop pacing. I thought I could see a flash of pleasure on his face at my news, but maybe I imagined it.
We haven’t even slept together. I bit back the confession. My relationship with Brad was none of Jake’s business. Though Brad was a very nice man, I wasn’t sure if things would progress between us. There was a laundry list of reasons.
After getting pregnant so young, I’d been forced to grow up very quickly. I’d been forced to make better choices. To be an adult. To put Jagger’s needs in front of my own.
And I had, until last night.
After getting a taste of Jake, I knew it would be a long time before I could even think of being intimate with another man. The way Jake touched me, took care of me… he did something to me that no one else could. It had always been that way.
I could have told him as much, but anything I said seemed to only make things worse.
“It’s me,” I confessed, standing on shaking legs. “I shouldn’t have touched you.”
Jake abruptly stopped walking and spun on his heel. “We just have to be more careful. Maybe we shouldn’t be together unless Jagger is around.”
Jagger. I jumped at the change of subject.
“We need to talk about him. There’s a lot that you need to know.”
“Shit. That’s right.” Jake tugged at the roots of his hair. “I shouldn’t have mentioned that night.”
“Why did you?”
“Because I was looking at you, and...” He lifted his hands up in surrender and then dropped them at his side. “And all I could think was that you should have been mine.”
My throat tightened. “Jake.”
“It’s a bad thought, I know it. I don’t have a right to you. I never did. Trey and I, we said that neither one of us was going to go after you. It was a pact we made.”
I stared at him. “Really? You made a promise to each other?”
Jake gazed back, the muscle in his jaw ticking. “We knew that what the three of us had going was more important than anything else.”
“Wow,” I breathed. “I didn’t realize you guys talked about me. I mean, I knew that Trey had a crush on me…” I didn’t say what was in my mind…and you screwed every girl who looked your way.
Jake shrugged, but the nonchalant gesture was a facade. I could see the same pain he always hid resting behind his eyes. Most of it wasn’t his fault, but part of it was. Experiences had hurt him, but his own guilt had kept him in a deep well of suffering.
“You could have had me, Jake. All you had to do was say the right words.”
Jake bit down on his lower lip and rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. “You don’t know what you’re saying.”
I took a step closer to him. “Yes, I do. You could have had me, but you left. You told me to forget you ever existed.”
He looked down at me. “I know.”
“You broke my heart.” As I said the words, the flood gates opened. I was eighteen again, bleeding from the biggest loss I’d ever experienced. I’d worked hard to heal that pain, but it would never fully disappear. For the rest of my life, it would exist as a part of me. I would take it to my very grave.
Jake’s eyes turned bloodshot. I waited for him to say something, but he didn’t. He just stared back at me, like I was a ghost and he couldn’t believe I was really there in front of him.
Tears fell from my eyes and slid down my cheeks. I made no attempt to wipe them away. I wasn’t ashamed of my pain. It was a testament to who I loved and what I’d suffered through. “You could have fixed it. You could have healed me. You could have healed us both, but instead, you just walked away.”
Jake’s shoulders sagged. “If I could fix your heart today, I would. If I really thought I was capable of that, I’d do whatever it took.”
I couldn’t say much to that. Maybe he was right. Maybe I was being dumb. Jake was damaged, even more now than six years ago. If he couldn’t help himself, he didn’t have much of a chance at helping anyone else.
“I should go before Jagger comes back,” Jake whispered. “He’ll be able to tell something is up between the two of us.”
“Yeah,” I agreed, still sniffling. “He will.”
“When can I see him again?”
Despite the strife the two of us were going through, hearing that Jake was so eager to see Jagger made me smile. “How about tomorrow? We could take him to the playground after preschool. I’ll pick him up after work at four.”
“That sounds great.” Jake glanced at me and then quickly looked away. With his head hung low, he turned and went to the door.
“I’ll see you then,” I quietly said. I was trying to sound chipper, but the words came out monotonous and flat.
One curt nod, and he was gone. The second the door closed, my knees buckled. I collapsed against the wall and slid down to the floor. My insides were writhing in pain, but at least the tears had dried. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. It did no good, so I took another. Then another. For a long, long time, I just sat there, waiting for the pain to pass.
In a way, it never did.
CHAPTER NINE
Jake
Present Day…
Jagger skipped along between me and Skye, each hop taking him along the sun-dappled pavement. “On one, two, three!” he cried, grabbing onto my and Skye’s hands.
&n
bsp; I cocked an eyebrow and looked at Skye. It was maybe the second time we’d made eye contact since I showed up at her place ten minutes ago, and it fucking hurt. Each time her eyes caught mine, I remembered our conversation from the day before. I remembered her tears.
It seemed that, no matter what I did, I ended up hurting her one way or another.
“Swinging,” Skye explained, dropping her gaze from mine.
“Oh.”
Jagger began counting as we walked. “One… two… three!” He lifted his feet from the pavement, and we swung him high between us. His joyous giggles filled the air. “Again! One, two, three!”
We swung him again and again, until Skye complained that her arm was hurting.
“No, more,” Jagger begged. “Just one more time, Mom. Please!”
She held her arm in an exaggerated way, looking like it was about to fall off her body. “No. And look. We’re here.”
We stopped at the tall black gate to the playground. Jagger tugged the handle himself and ran inside. Skye and I followed at a slower pace.
“Come on, Jake!” Jagger yelled from halfway up a climbing tower. He turned to a little boy next to him. “That’s my dad.”
I hustled over to the play set, grateful to have an excuse to step away from Skye. After the previous day’s fiasco, being around her was doubly hard. Since there was no way for me to make up for the pain I’d inflicted on her, I figured the best thing to do was to just give her some space. Of course, I’d tried that already and failed. This time, I needed to make sure to stick to my guns. I had been a fucking Navy SEAL. I had discipline in spades.
I glanced over at her. Yeah, right.
Jagger jumped to the ground as soon as I reached him. “Let’s swing!”
I followed him to the swing set as Skye walked by us and settled onto a park bench.
“Play, Mom!” Jagger yelled at her.
“You need some guy time,” she called back.
Jagger turned to me with a pleased smile on his face. “Did you hear that, Jake? This is guy time.”
“I did hear. We better make the most of it.”
“Yeah, you better push me!”
He settled into his swing and began pumping his legs. We fell into a quiet rhythm, just two people out of many on the packed playground. After a few minutes, Jagger lost interest in swinging and moved to the jungle gym. I followed him wherever he went, often feeling Skye’s eyes on my back. Whenever I turned to look at her, though, her face was in a book.