SEAL'd Heart

by Alice Ward

  Cadence’s eyes rolled to the heavens. “You washed your sheets the other day. Right after you’d just washed them the day before. So unless Jagger crawled into your bed in the middle of the night and peed there...” She trailed off and raised an eyebrow.

  “We did it twice,” I blurted out as I cringed.

  Cadence’s eyes grew wide. “I knew it. So, you guys are getting back together?”

  “No. It can’t be like that… well… I don’t know. No. I’m sure we’re not.” I shrugged, raised my hands in an I don’t know gesture, then fell back on the bed and pulled a pillow over my face.

  “Jesus,” she breathed. “This is way too complicated already.”

  “Jake is a complicated guy.”

  “So was Charles Manson.”

  I hit her with the pillow. “Cadence! How can you even say that? Jake is not a devil worshiper, or a serial killer. Geez.”

  She shrugged. “Any man who breaks my favorite cousin’s heart gets painted with the same brush as that creep.” She pointed a finger at me. “And if he does it again, or hurts Jaggy in any way, I promise you that I will personally take great pleasure in removing his balls from his body, stuffing one in his ass and the other up his nose.”

  That made me smile. I loved Cadence and was grateful to her for so many things. That she saw herself as my protector, wasn’t surprising. I thought of myself as her protector too.

  “So… how is it going besides the sex?” she asked.

  “We’re, um, getting to know each other again,” I hedged, pulling the pillow over my face again.

  She yanked it off, looking down at me with a raised brow. “And are you liking what you’re getting to know?”

  Did I?

  “Yes and no.”

  Cadence growled at me, her frustration at my non-answers clear. “And what exactly does that mean?”

  “There are many sides to Jake. Many layers.”

  She wrinkled her nose. “He sounds like an onion. Just remember they stink and can make you cry.”

  Well, I’d done enough of that.

  “I adore the playful side of him,” I tossed out, trying to give her something positive. “He’s wonderful with Jagg.”

  “And the non-playful side?”

  Cadence wasn’t going to let me out of this discussion.

  “I’m still trying to understand that side. After all, we haven’t spent that much time together.”

  She stood and planted her fists on her hips. “Well, maybe if you two would talk instead of boink, you’d get a chance.”

  I laughed and felt my face grow hot. She had a point, but heaven help me, the boinking was good. “I don’t know. Maybe if we boinked all the time, I wouldn’t have to face anything but the sexy side.” I gave her my pleading face. “Can I do that? Please?”

  She stuck out her lower lip. “I wish I could tell you yes, but being an adult sucks, so you have to deal.”

  I fake cried, making her laugh. “I was afraid you’d say that.” I grew more serious. “To tell the truth, his serious side makes me sad more than anything. Something really bad happened and he blames himself for it.”

  Cadence frowned. “He seems to do that a lot, doesn’t he?”

  I nodded. “I think it goes back to his parents dying when he was young. Survivor’s guilt that they were taken but he wasn’t. Then Trey…” I shook my head to rid myself of that memory. “Men in his unit were killed while he wasn’t. It all just piles on top of each other horrible thing, makes him feel ashamed even to be alive, let alone happy. Like he doesn’t deserve it.”

  Cadence’s face softened. “Poor man. I can’t even imagine it. It’s weird. I always thought that money could buy happiness, but that doesn’t seem to be the case, does it?”

  I shook my head. “No. In Jake’s case, I think it makes it worse.” I flashed back to the trip to the beach. “The paparazzi is starting to hound him again. We saw several photographers at the beach.”

  “You’re kidding.”

  I drew my phone from my pocket and pulled up a webloid. “See, there’s a picture of me, Jake, and Jagg on the beach.” At least they’d had the decency to blur Jagger’s face out.

  She made the picture bigger. “You look good at least, mystery lady.” She snorted, referring to the headline that : Playboy Billionaire Playing on Beach with Mystery Woman and Child

  “He really hates being called a playboy billionaire,” I told Cadence. “After all, he’s serviced our country in special operations, but the press won’t praise him for that.”

  Cadence continued to read. “They do give him credit for being in the Navy and recently retired, but there’s much speculation as to what he will do now that he’s free from the service. At least they don’t seem to have connected him as Jagg’s father… yet.”

  I nodded. “And I’m glad they didn’t know my name. I just don’t know how they’d been tipped off about us being at the beach.”

  “Maybe it was a coincidence. They might have been there stalking some celebrity and recognized him. His picture was in the paper enough when he first got back. That isn’t an unreasonable assumption.”

  “True. Hopefully that’s the case and they’ll leave him alone now. From what Jake said, they shouldn’t know where he lives because his attorneys purchased his apartment through some shell corporation that was created to hide his identity for this reason, or something like that.”

  “Oh, to have those worries,” Cadence said dryly. “Having to hide your wealth instead of scraping by month to month. And speaking of which, is he going to be helping with things like child support now?” She looked hopeful. “Maybe then you won’t have to work two jobs to save up enough for school.”

  I scowled at her. “We haven’t even talked about anything like that, Cadence. Good grief, he’s only known he has a son for about a minute. Besides, I don’t want him to think I’m after his money, so I’m not going to be the one to bring it up.”

  Cadence huffed out a breath. “You’re an idiot.”

  I grinned at her. “Probably. But I never once mooched off him when we were kids. I’m not going to start now.”

  Fists on hips again, she shook her head. “His kid. His responsibility. You don’t have to be one of those women who think a hundred grand a month only covers the basics. But, Skye, even a couple hundred dollars to help with groceries could make a difference in you getting to drop one of the jobs. Hell, he wouldn’t miss a thousand dollars a month. To him, it would be like flipping a penny in your direction.”

  I stood up. “I don’t want to talk about this.”

  She held out her hands. “Alright. Sorry. I’m just saying that you deserve a break too, sweetie. And if he’ll help you, let him. It might help him feel like he’s actually contributing too. It could help his playful side to come out more, thinking he’s providing for his son.”

  I gave that some thought. “You should be the therapist. Not me.”

  She grinned. “I can give other people advice all day long. I’ve got two cents for every problem… but my own. Can’t fix my own life for shit.”

  I plopped back down on the bed. “That’s what I’m here for. To nag.”

  Cadence turned back to the mirror, checking her dress again and straightening her necklace. “So, are you going to talk about Jake’s non-playful side at all?”

  I frowned, then blurted, “He should be in therapy, but he’s not.”

  She turned back to me. “You would know. Why do you think he needs therapy and why isn’t he in it?”

  I shook my head in frustration. “He carries a lot of guilt around, Cadence.”

  “I’m sure he does, but...” She looked up at the ceiling as she searched for her words. “It’s not your problem.”

  I didn’t say anything, just waited for her to collect her thoughts then wallop me over the head with them.

  “Your problem is Jagger and you. Those are the only two people you need to be thinking of. If Jake is bringing his shit around, it’s not good.
It doesn’t matter that he is Jagger’s father. You don’t need to pass a test of emotional maturity in order to correctly blow your load.”

  “Thanks for clarifying that for me.”

  Cadence slipped her heels on. “Just be careful. For both you and Jagg. Jake only just came back into your life. He could have issues you don’t know about yet. He could just leave like before.”

  I chewed on my bottom lip. “I’ve thought about that.”

  “He might actually be bad for Jagger.”

  My stomach dropped. That was a possibility I’d only barely allowed to pass through my mind. True, it was the reason I was monitoring all of their time spent together. I did have hope though. I believed that Jake was capable of taking care of Jagger on his own. One day soon, perhaps, they’d be spending a whole day together. Then a night. Then an entire weekend alone.

  There was only one real problem.

  “I think he has post-traumatic stress.”

  Cadence whistled. “That’s heavy.”

  “Yeah… and I don’t know how it will affect Jagger. I mean, Jake’s made it pretty clear that he’s going to do his best to keep his problems separate from our son.”

  She tapped her finger against her lip. “I’m sure he’ll try.”

  “Yeah,” I glumly agreed. I thought of the two of them down the hall, reading a book before bed. Tears filled my eyes. I wanted my son to have a normal life so bad. To have healthy and available parents. If Jake were to prove not capable of being around Jagger, the results would be heartbreaking.

  And not just for my son, but for me as well. Even though I knew things could fall apart for me and Jake on the romantic front, there was still his relationship with Jagger. That was the real one worth fighting for. And maybe Jake would eventually work out his grief. Who knew what kind of good place we could be in in five years?

  For all the potential that lay in the situation, there was also the possibility of it all vanishing in an instant. If Jake felt he couldn’t handle being a father, if he suddenly decided he needed to leave in order to protect Jagger, that would have to be that. We could never see him again. I couldn’t allow him to be a hit or miss presence all through my little boy’s life.

  I quickly stood up and turned my face away. If Cadence saw me crying, she’d assume Jake was at fault. She had enough against him already. I didn’t want to hand over any extra ammunition. “I’m going to go check on them.”

  “Okay. Wish me luck tonight.”

  “You don’t need it,” I said in the most cheerful voice I could manage and gave her a hug. “Don’t forget to text and let me know your plans.”

  I slipped back into the hall and bumped right into Jake. A short gasp left my lips. “Oh!”

  “Sorry,” he said, his hands coming to my shoulders to steady me. “I was just going into the living room. Jagger’s asleep.”

  I folded my arms across my chest. I didn’t know how to react to Jake when we were alone now. Since the other night in my room, I’d been too busy to see him. The trip to Coney Island was the first time we’d seen each other since we last slept together, and we’d spent the whole day with Jagger around.

  I nodded my head in the direction of the kitchen. Jake followed me down the hall, his presence as noticeable behind me as a roaring bonfire. I decided to break my rule about drinking around Jake and pulled a bottle of white wine out of the fridge. Half a glass would help me calm down some. Without asking, I went ahead and poured Jake one as well. He accepted it, a thoughtful look on his face.

  “What’s up?” I asked.

  His eyebrows furrowed but his mouth turned up into a slight smile. “Jagger called me Dad.”

  My heart squeezed. “Oh.”

  “Yeah.”

  I looked down into my wine. Of course this was going to happen. Jake was Jagger’s dad after all. But knowing that he’d used the D word made me feel… afraid. It just made everything so real. This was actually happening. Jake was back. Jagger knew about him. From now on, whatever happened was going to be ingrained in Jagger’s mind for the rest of his life.

  A door closed and Cadence came down the hall. “Hey, Jake.”

  He nodded at her. “Cadence.”

  She bobbed her eyebrows at me as she walked by. Jake couldn’t see the gesture, but it still made me blush. “Later,” I murmured.

  “Good night.”

  She left through the front door. Jake and I stood in silence for a moment longer, then he cleared his throat and set his wine glass on the kitchen counter. “He woke up when I got up off the bed, so I read him another book. Then, as he was falling asleep, he said it. ‘Goodnight, Dad.’” Jake gazed into the air, his eyes soft. “It was like he didn’t even know he was saying it. His eyes were half closed.”

  “That’s really sweet.”

  “Yeah.” His eyes seemed to refocus and he looked at me. “It was.”

  I set my own wineglass down and wound my fingers together and said the five words that terrified every man. “I think we should talk.”

  On cue, Jake’s throat bobbed. “All right.”

  I chewed on the inside of my cheek. I didn’t want to say any of this, but there was no choice. “Jagger is counting on you. You’re a part of his life now. I just want to make sure that you know… that you know what kind of responsibility this is, and you won’t…”

  Walk away.

  I didn’t think I could say the last two words without crying.

  I braced myself, half sure my words had made him angry. He only nodded, though, and looked back at me with the serious demeanor of a judge. “I understand, Skye. I think what you’re doing right now is giving me a chance to get out if I want.”

  Hearing it said out loud hurt like a bitch. “Yes.”

  He lifted his chin. “I’m not taking it. I’m in this for the long haul. Jagger can count on me.”

  The passion burning in his eyes was all I needed. The tension in my muscles melted away. “Okay. Thank you. That’s what I wanted to hear.”

  “Feel free to keep checking in. Just know that I’m not going to change my mind about him.”

  “What about us?” I pursed my lips together. The question had come out before I’d given myself a chance to reconsider asking it.

  The silence stretch between us, and I reached for my glass, taking a long sip to stop myself from talking. Now that I’d asked the question, I wanted an answer. At least I thought I did.

  Jake’s chest heaved with a heavy exhale. “I don’t know about us.”

  I laughed, the sound bitter, almost cruel. “I don’t either.”

  His mouth turned up into a sad smile. “At least we’re in agreement on that. Neither one of us knows shit.”

  “What else is new?” I asked.

  “I want to make sure I’m doing the right thing.”

  “I can help you do the right thing.”

  Jake rubbed the back of his neck. “You don’t want in my head, Skye. It’s a dark fucking place.”

  I couldn’t stand the distance between us any longer. Crossing the kitchen, I placed a hand on Jake’s shoulder and looked into his eyes. “I know that, but you’re not the only one dealing with things. A whole lot of people have been exactly where you are right now, and they’ve made it to the other side.”

  What I didn’t say was how many didn’t.

  How many veterans took their own lives every day.

  How many families were broken apart because of the demons that rode these men’s backs long after the war was over.

  Jake’s eyes flicked between my two. “Skye.” My name was half a word and half a sigh.

  I found Jake’s fingers and twisted mine through them. “Share your pain, Jake. I can help you face it, maybe help you get rid of it.”

  His eyes closed and his face fell forward. My body responded in the same way. I rested my forehead against Jake’s chin and closed my eyes. His breath kissed my head and filled my ears. I nestled closer to him, wrapping my arms around his waist and losing myself i
n his warmth. I felt like I could disappear in him, if only I could press in close enough.

  In the moments when we were close, all the bad things ceased to exist. There was no pain. No regrets. There was only the two of us. During times like this, it seemed inconceivable that anything dark could exist in the world. Not when a simple embrace was filled with such light.

  I felt Jake shake his head back and forth against me, even as his arms wrapped around my back. I held him tighter, traveling so close to the brink of losing myself. Pushing his hands lower, Jake lifted me and set me on the edge of the kitchen counter. With a shuffle, he pushed himself between my two dangling legs. I met his lips and kissed him with everything I had. He didn’t hesitate, gripping the back of my head tight and covering my lips with his.

  The heat from our groins merged together as we kissed. The bulge in Jake’s pants grew harder, the material of his jeans stretching to its limit. I locked my legs around his hips and rocked forward. A groan issued from Jake’s lips and I swallowed it down, eager for more.

  Jake pulled back and worked frantically at my pants, unzipping them and rolling them down.

  “The… the bedroom,” I murmured, though I made no move to go there myself. A desire that existed at a level of insanity was quickly filling me up. There was a desperateness to the interaction. Not only did I need Jake, I needed him right away. If I didn’t take him while he stood in front of me, I risked the chance of him slipping through my fingers like sand.

  Jake kept up his quick work, pulling off my panties and tossing them to the side. He parted my legs and bent down. With a graze of his lips, electricity flowed through me. I clung to the edges of the counter, closed my eyes, and let my head fall backward.

  His tongue rolled fast circles around my clit, each stoke harder. My legs shook and pleasure warped my mind. Inserting a long finger into me, he found my sensitive spot and began to stroke it. The double stimulation was too much. I came with a low moan, my nails probably leaving scratch marks on the counter.

  When I could breathe again, Jake lifted me from the counter and cradled me in his arms. I kissed and sucked at the skin on his neck as he walked us down the hallway and into my bedroom. Without asking, he flipped on the bedside light. Yeah, I wanted to see him too.