by Alice Ward
Maybe this weekend was nothing more to him than a free trip.
I couldn’t really hold that against him. I used people for my own means on a regular basis. I had my own money to take trips with, but going out to dinner by myself wasn’t exactly romantic, and neither was spending a weekend at a lakeside retreat.
“Look,” Seth said, pointing at something between the trees.
I shuffled carefully across the boulder. Through the green branches, the lake was visible and, across the water, a dock.
“Is that the lodge?”
“No,” he answered. “I don’t think so. There’s a little bit of white there, see? It must be someone’s house.”
He settled down on the rock, his legs hanging off the side. I joined him, uncertain and careful to not sit too close. I didn’t usually wait so long for a man to swoop in. If a guy didn’t go for it, then I took the initiative, made the move.
A lot was strange about this situation, though. Seth and I would be together for two whole days. If I tried to kiss him and got shot down, the rest of the weekend would be beyond uncomfortable.
We sat for a while, not saying much. Eventually, Seth asked if I was ready to go and then stood up and took my hand. When our fingers touched, I couldn’t breathe.
I needed to be careful. I was getting dangerously close to living for the brush of his skin on mine.
The rest of the way around the lake, we made small talk, discussing the music scene in Chicago and pets. Seth didn’t have any but confessed a soft spot for cats. I teased him relentlessly for this, of course, and my assault ended in his promise to dog sit Starlet any time I needed it.
Any time.
He expected our relationship to go past the weekend. And yet he still hadn’t made a move on me. Was he just trying to be a gentleman and wait? Or was he only interested in a friendship?
I needed to stop analyzing things. I knew what I came to the lodge for and intended to get it.
Once back at the lodge, we had just enough time to clean up for lunch. Served in the main dining room, it was a small affair for about twenty guests. A server scurried about, bringing us sandwiches and cold cucumber bisque soup. Again the talk was minimal, mostly Seth asking about my life.
I told him about growing up with my still married parents, older brother and younger sister; about trying to be a cheerleader freshman year in high school and failing miserably; about missing the Spring Fling so I could rewrite a paper that counted for a quarter of my final English grade.
“Do you regret that?” he asked.
I gave it some thought. “No, I don’t. At the time, it made me a little sad. This boy asked me to it, Mark. I really wanted to go with him. Like, really, really.” I laughed over the memory. “I wanted him to be my boyfriend, bad. But I also wanted something else. I wanted to be successful. I wanted to be as successful as I could imagine and then even more. That meant making some sacrifices. I gave up short term pleasures for long term ones. I could suffer a little bit if it meant I would get to have something more, something gigantic and really fulfilling. I knew the dance would end. Mark and I would probably go off to different schools. And then what would I have? The memories, I guess, but even those just didn’t seem like they would be fulfilling enough. No, it just wasn’t worth it.”
I sucked in a breath, embarrassed by my spontaneously composed Shakespeare length monologue.
Seth gazed at me from across the table, his chin in his hand. “You have to live in the moment sometimes.”
“I know.”
“The moment is all you have, really.”
“I know,” I repeated, slightly annoyed. “But you have to think ahead as well. Live as if it’s your last day and as if you’ll never die...” I stirred my soup. “Or whatever the crap that saying is.”
Seth laughed. “You just butchered it big time.”
“Yeah, I did. So, what about you? Did you always want to join the army?”
He tapped the side of his soup spoon against his bowl. “No.”
I waited for more, but he didn’t elaborate, only stared at the table.
I licked my lips, ready to change the subject. Seth wasn’t exactly the most self-revealing person out there. Maybe talking about himself made him feel put on the spot.
I gave him an opening. “Did your parents make you join?”
He shook his head and sat up straighter. “No, I went myself.”
“And what did they think of it? They must be pretty proud.”
He smiled slightly, but there was something rueful about it. “I’m not sure.”
“You’re not close?”
“My mom and I are… I mean, about in the average way. My dad I… have… stuff.”
“Oh. I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. I was just going to say that I talk to them, yes, but we don’t really talk about my career.”
What do you talk about with them? I wanted to ask, but the mood at our table was dark and palpable. Seth did not like to talk about his family, and I’d be cold hearted to push him on the topic.
“Come on,” I said, standing up and offering my hand. “Let’s go learn how to canoe.”
Learning how to canoe, it turned out, wasn’t really necessary. The task was pretty simple and maybe geared toward the retirees who made up the rest of the class. The instructor showed us the basics and then let us set off in our vessels, brand new adventurers in the small lake.
Seth got to work, his muscles tightening and then relaxing as he paddled. I followed his lead, doing my best to match my pace with his and enjoying the same view I had during our hike, made better this time by the movement of his arms. And even better than in my imaginings.
“Let’s get past the crowd,” he whispered, speeding beyond an older couple wearing matching baseball hats.
He steered us across the lake and then around a bend, taking us into a nook where the lodge was just barely visible. It was a lot like my fantasy involving the picnic basket and getting fucked in the grass.
He didn’t take the canoe toward the shore, though, instead paddling lackadaisically around.
“Why me?” he asked out of the blue.
“Huh?” My paddle slipped a little in my hands, and I did my best to hang onto it.
“Why me?” Seth asked again.
I knew what he was referring to, but wasn’t about to let on. “I don’t understand.”
“I mean why did you invite me this weekend? You seem like a girl who has lots of friends. You were with how many that night at the gallery? Two? Four? You could have invited one of them, right? Instead, you picked a guy you’ve known a week.”
I looked down at my feet, wedged on either side of the boat. Because I wanted to get bored of you quicker. Because I couldn’t handle the things you make me feel.
“Because I wanted to get to know you better.” As I said the words, I realized they’d become true. Maybe they weren’t when I booked the resort or when I climbed into Seth’s Jeep this morning, but they’d become true over the course of the morning and early afternoon.
I liked this guy. Way more than I wanted to. There were things about him that still irked me. At lunch, I saw a hint of the cocky attitude he’d shown me in the bar. That kind of personality trait doesn’t disappear as time goes on. It actually tends to get worse, since people relax and let their real selves come out as they get to know each other.
Seth looked at me with the poker face he wore so well. “I’m honored.”
I stopped rowing, unable to take it any more. God, I was such a fake. I didn’t deserve to enjoy a weekend like this.
“Really?” I pressed. “You’re honored?”
He turned his face to the side to study me, probably thinking I was crazy. “Yes,” he said slowly, halting his rowing and resting the oars against his knees. The canoe came to a stand still, its only movement the gentle waves rocking it up and down.
“You don’t think it’s weird that I asked you?”
“Yeah, I kind of do th
ink it’s weird, that’s why I brought it up.”
Annoyed at the bit of snark in his tone, I inhaled sharply through my nose. “Well, you’re welcome.”
Seth threw his head back in laughter.
I crossed my arms. “This isn’t funny. Why are you laughing?”
He chuckled one more time. “Because you’re… you’re a lot to handle. I like it.”
My pulse sped up. I couldn’t speak, so I just sat there and looked back at him, shy and fearful and angry and giddy, all at the same time.
“I would kiss you if it wouldn’t make the canoe tip over.”
I choked on air. How did he do that? Say something so romantic out of the blue that the words made the world flip upside down?
I fought to respond. “Uh… O-okay.”
Seth grinned a little wider and picked his oars back up. “Let’s keep going, shall we?”
I let him take the lead once more, my head spinning, my whole plan for the weekend going down the drain.
But what had I expected, really? That I could go off to a romantic setting with a man and expect to leave hating him?
Here I was, doing anything but getting over Seth.
I was falling for him.
Hard.
There was one thing left to try. One thing that would either bring us together or push us apart.
I no longer knew which result I wanted.
CHAPTER NINE
The massage didn’t help. Neither did the candlelit dinner. Or the waitress asking what my “boyfriend” wanted to drink while Seth was in the bathroom.
Walking up to the room, my heart sank deeper into my stomach with each step. I wanted the man walking inches behind me so, so badly. Yet I couldn’t have him in any way that went beyond one weekend. I couldn’t handle him.
So, I had to get my fill in one night and hope it would be enough.
The two beds leered at us, daring us to pick one.
“Would you like the bathroom first?” Seth asked, making me jump.
I sat down at the end of the nearest bed. This way if I freaked out and needed to abort the whole mission, the door would be only a few feet away. “No, you go ahead.”
“Are you sure? I can wait.”
“Yes, really.”
Please stop being so nice.
He shut the door to the bathroom, and I got out my phone. I needed someone to talk to about this struggle. I scrolled to Rory’s name and paused. The whole situation was a lot to explain in the five or ten minutes it took a man to use a bathroom. I couldn’t risk Seth overhearing.
Instead, I laid my phone on the nightstand and opened my suitcase. I’d brought a silky nightgown that screamed fuck me just a little too loudly. Shorts, a tank top, and a sweater it was. Though it was still summer, the temperature fell slightly with the sun. With my canny ability to be cold any time of the year, I was sure to get a chill within a matter of minutes.
I sat cross-legged on the bed and turned on the TV, but couldn’t find anything to watch. I flipped from a made for TV movie to the news, then back to the movie. The bathroom door opened, and Seth emerged. He smiled at me, his eyes flicking to the other bed.
I looked back at the television and forced myself not to analyze every movement of his eyes. He hadn’t kissed me like he’d said he wanted to in the canoe. All afternoon and evening, I’d been on edge, waiting for it. Now that we were alone in a room of beds the mood changed; the innocence, the comfortable, relaxed connection we’d found in the canoe vanished. I was about to break into a sweat beneath the sweater.
“I’m not tired,” Seth announced, still standing by the bathroom door.
I sprang up and onto my feet. “Me neither.”
“Want to take a walk?”
“Yes! That sounds great.”
I grabbed some jeans and pulled them on right over my shorts, then slipped on a pair of flats. The lobby was quiet, with only the one staff member at the front desk. She smiled at us in a demure and knowing way as we walked by.
After going out through the back door, we took the little path down the hill, now lit with LED lights. The luminescent trail ended at a collection of lawn chairs set out along the edge of the water.
“Would you like to sit for a while?” Seth asked.
I could hardly take it. He was such a gentleman, always checking with me before we did anything. Was this just a facade? Was he the one playing me, thinking he needed to act all chivalrous to get into my pants? If so, he was far off the mark. Chivalry really was dead, and I didn’t miss it.
“You weren’t like this at the bar,” I couldn’t stop myself from saying.
He was half-turned in the darkness, his expression unreadable. “Like what?” he asked softly.
“So… nice. So much like a gentleman.”
“Ah. I’m sorry I wasn’t that way at the bar. Or when I came to your house the other night.”
I frowned. “What do you mean? What were you like that night?”
“I...” He turned away a bit more. “We don’t have to talk about this, Quinn.”
Laughing dryly, I said, “Well now we have to since we’re already into it. I can’t just end the conversation here and then go to bed.”
He turned toward me and took a step closer, his eyes visible in the dim light. “I wasn’t very interested in you… beyond…” He sighed.
I crossed my arms in defiance and lifted my chin. “Really. Tell me. I can take it.”
“Beyond sex,” he finished.
The words rang in the air.
I licked my lips and tried to make sense of what he said. “But you haven’t even made a move on me. That night at my house I thought you were going to. Any minute. And yet you didn’t.”
“I know,” he nodded vigorously. “That was my plan when I came there.”
“But you didn’t,” I repeated.
“Yes.” He watched me in the dim light from the hill path.
“So why didn’t you? If you’re only interested in me for sex...”
“I didn’t say that’s the only reason I’m still interested in you. I said it was. Before I started getting to know you.”
I let that sink in. “Oh.”
Apparently, Seth and I were even more alike than I’d realized. Our similarities went way beyond being Type A personalities, like my friends claimed. We both had also aimed to use each other for the fulfillment of personal carnal desires. And we both…had changed our minds?
Wait. Hold on.
“Are you saying...?”
He didn’t answer.
He took a quick two steps toward me and cupped the side of my head right behind my ear with his hand. He pulled me close, and I went, letting him take control for a moment, letting him give me whatever he wanted, because whatever that thing was, I wanted it too.
His lips hit mine, cool and then warm, soft and patient on the curves of my mouth. Our lips melded around each other, met in a way that said they’d known each other before. Maybe in dreams late at night. Maybe just in mirrored longings that escaped our open bedroom windows to dance together up in the night sky, while the two of us slept on, unknowing.
I closed my eyes and fell into the kiss. The LED lights grew brighter behind my closed lids; they swelled and pushed through, turned multicolored and spun around. The whole world spun around. I could barely hang on, so I took a handful of Seth’s t-shirt and clung to him.
I’m falling in love, I realized as Seth kissed me. I’m actually falling in love.
Fuck.
CHAPTER TEN
Seth pulled back and wound his fingers through mine. All of the nerves that had been centered in my lips suddenly shifted to my fingertips, and I almost gasped with the sensation. I was overwhelmed by the kiss that I had waited days for…but couldn’t handle. My mind was a blank, on overload.
He pulled me up the path, in and out of spots of light, turning to plant a kiss on my mouth every few yards. When we made it to the top of the hill and to the porch steps, a group of people came o
ut of the lodge and Seth pulled me off the back steps and into the darkness. Pushing my back against the rough log wall of the lodge, he took my lips restlessly with his again, making the new kiss unlike the first. His tongue ran a circle around mine, his palm pressing warmly against my waist. My toes tingled, and I pushed onto them to kiss Seth harder.
When the intruding group left, we stayed where we were, my arms around Seth’s neck, his encircling my waist. Fireballs spun inside my core. Seth pushed his hips against mine, dove his tongue deeper into my mouth.
When I could handle the anticipation no more, I grabbed his hand and tried to pull him toward the back door. He didn’t budge.
I glanced over my shoulder at him, finding his eyes in the dark. Still, he didn’t move as his eyes pierced mine in the darkness. Yanking me back to him, he spun me around and pressed me against the outer wall, but this time with my rear to him.
I gasped in surprise, my cheek hitting the wood. Seth’s hands pressed against my back, running up and down the outside of my sweater. His breath kissed my neck, and I involuntarily moaned. Frozen with anticipation, I could do nothing, go nowhere. My legs shook the same way they did earlier this afternoon and my nails clutched at the wall.
A delicate touch on my neck made me gasp. Seth licked up the side of my neck, taking his tongue around the outside of my ear, then sucking my lobe in-between his teeth.
Something resembling language escaped my mouth.
Looping his fingers through mine, Seth pulled me back out of the darkness, up the stairs and over the threshold, through the lodge and into our room.
The door banged shut behind us. We broke our contact and took a step back from each other, two wild and heated animals sizing each other up. Seth’s chest rose and fell with his ragged breathing, his eyes fixated on me the whole time.
“We don’t have to take this any further,” he rasped.
I laughed out loud. Like I could really go to sleep after the groping I’d just received downstairs?