Letters to Gabriella

by Patricia Paris

  She knew too well what it was like to grow up without a father, to think you hadn’t been wanted, and to pretend your whole life that you didn’t care. Gab knew she wouldn’t be able to live with her guilt if her involvement with Justin prevented him from doing the right thing. She was an adult, independent and self-sustaining. She might need him with every fiber of her heart, but his child needed him more.

  Justin cared about her; she didn’t doubt that. When she’d checked her cell this morning, she saw he’d tried to call late last night. She suspected he’d spent most of last night talking to Brin. It was possible she had convinced him they needed to get married…maybe she hadn’t even needed to try hard…maybe he still had feelings for the other woman as well and decided his place was with her and their child.

  Perhaps he had called to tell her he was sorry things had turned out the way they had. When she left his brother’s house yesterday evening, Justin had seemed intent on coming to her place last night, but he hadn’t. She thought she’d rather just have him tell her on the phone that he couldn’t see her again. It would be easier.

  Having to see his cherished face, to look into his beautiful lion’s eyes…she didn’t know if she could without falling apart. And she did not want to fall apart…not now, and certainly not in front of him. She knew him. She knew he would be feeling bad about having to break things off, especially after they’d just managed to get over a major hurdle. But it wasn’t his fault. It was…it was just life…doing what life did.

  Gabriella’s laptop screen went dormant, and she clicked her mouse to bring the page up again. So much for trying not to think about Justin. She scrolled down to her last entry and stared at the blur of words. Heat built up behind her eyes, and she squeezed them shut.

  My little pony, my little pony…my little pony…

  JUSTIN STOOD on Gabriella’s porch. He said a quick prayer, even though he hadn’t prayed in a long time and feared his prayers might be disregarded after such a long dry spell. His dreams hung precariously on the hope Gabriella would listen to reason. He took a shaky breath and pressed her doorbell.

  He had no idea what he was going to be dealing with. He wouldn’t blame her if she was furious with him. He’d never even told her about Brin, but he honestly hadn’t thought there was a need. Now the woman had shown up pregnant with his kid, and even if they were able to agree to an amiable custody arrangement, his priorities were about to undergo a major change, one Gab might not be willing to sign up for.

  Gabriella opened the door, and all Justin could think about was how much he wanted to pull her into his arms and never let go. She looked like a barefoot goddess, in cutoff sweatpants and a worn blue tee shirt that hung past her hips. Blazoned across the front in darker blue letters were the words Make Mine a Double.

  “Nice shirt,” he said, hoping to break some of the tension that rolled off her in waves.

  She glanced down and pulled it forward, as if needing a reminder of what she was wearing.

  “It was Bruce’s.” She stared at her feet. He waited for her to invite him in, but she just stood there, looking down, not at him.

  “Where’s Chloe?”

  Gab looked over her shoulder. “Playing,” she said, still standing in the doorway and giving no indication of welcoming him in.

  Justin reached out and took her chin in his hand, turning her face up to his. She closed her eyes as if she wanted to block him out, and he felt a rush of panic at her response. She was going to reject him. She was going to let Brin come between them.

  “We need to talk.” He pulled her out onto the front porch. “Before you go making a decision that’s going to hurt both of us when you don’t understand the situation.”

  “I understand enough.” She finally looked at him. The sadness he saw in her eyes seared into his heart. There was no anger there, no blame, and he thought he would prefer that. At least then he might feel some hope she thought they were worth fighting for.

  “What do you think you understand?” he demanded, getting angry for both of them. She might be willing to throw everything they had together away because of her misguided assumptions, but he wasn’t.

  Gab leaned sideways and looked back through the front door. Turning toward him again, she straightened her back and squared her shoulders. It wouldn’t do any good. She could put up as many walls as she wanted, but he wasn’t leaving until she heard what he had to say.

  “This isn’t the time, Justin. And you have new responsibilities now. You should be focusing on those.”

  “I know damn well what responsibilities I have, Gabriella!” he ground out through gritted teeth. Did she think he would ignore his child’s needs? If he thought he could get it, he’d ask Brin for full custody, but he doubted the woman would agree, not if she thought she could use the baby as collateral to get him to marry her.

  “I have every intention of taking care of my baby, but my responsibility ends there, and if you think anything’s changed between you and me, you couldn’t be more wrong.”

  “You need to try to make a go of things with your fiancée. She needs you more than I do right now.”

  “Don’t tell me what I need to do.” He stuffed his hands into his pockets and clenched his jaw. “And she’s not my fiancée. We were never engaged. And just so you’re clear, I never loved her. We worked together in DC. We started dating because it was convenient, and when things went sour, it ended. So Brin isn’t even part of the equation as far as I’m concerned.”

  “She’s expecting you to marry her.”

  “And I’m telling you that’s not going to happen.”

  They were facing each other now, and their eyes had locked, blue on gold, both of them holding their ground.

  Gab looked away first. She gave a tired sigh and for a moment he wondered if she might relent.

  “I grew up without a father,” she started, her eyelids fluttering down to mask her expressive eyes. “I thought he didn’t want me. I used to wonder if there was something wrong with me…maybe if I’d been a boy…or prettier…or anything other than what I was…that he might love me.”

  “Your situation was different,” Justin said, cutting her off. “My child will know me. He will grow up knowing I love him. Or if it’s a daughter, she won’t have to wonder if she’s loved just because I’m not married to her mother.”

  “You think you can control that,” she said, lifting her chin. “What if you refuse to marry Brin and she takes off and doesn’t tell you where she is? What if she lies to your child and tells him you didn’t want him, even if you did. What if your son grows up telling himself he doesn’t care, or your daughter convinces herself you’re not worth crying over?” She jerked her gaze from his and wrapped her arms around her waist.

  Justin reached out and ran his hands up her arms and felt her shiver. She was talking about herself. And he understood now that she couldn’t bear the thought of some other child growing up the way she had because of her. Some of his anger dissipated; it was misdirected anyway.

  “Gabriella,” he said, wrapping his hands around her arms. “I’m not in love with Brin. If I married her, I’d be miserable. I’d make her miserable. What kind of environment is that to raise a child in?”

  “At least your child would have you. At least you could love him.”

  “I’ll love my child regardless.” He tried to pull her forward into his arms but she resisted.

  “Darling, please listen to me.” He gentled his voice, pleading with her. “There’s no reason for this. Nothing has to change between us. Would you please just trust me?”

  “That’s just it, Justin. Things have changed. And I don’t want to be the reason for whatever decisions you make about you and…and your future.”

  “You are my future, woman! Don’t you see that? You’re not being rational right now.” He started to pace in front of her. “Damn it, Gab, you’re using what happened to you as your lens to look at this, and it’s not the same thing.”

  “I�
�ve made up my mind, Justin,” she said, as if she expected that to be the end of it.

  He gaped at her. Was she even going to consider what he’d said?

  “So what? I’m supposed to go now? I’m supposed to forget how I feel about you…what we’ve been building together?”

  She resorted to looking at her feet again.

  Justin threw his hands up in the air.

  “Do you love me?” Justin asked. Maybe if he’d said those words to her sooner, it would have made a difference. Neither one of them had ever said it, but he’d known he loved her for some time now. Why the hell hadn’t he told her?

  “My feelings aren’t important right now.” Her misguided selflessness pricked his anger again. It was wrong, and it was threatening to destroy what they had.

  “I think you should go,” she said, shuffling. “I don’t want Chloe to wonder what’s going on and come out here.”

  Justin cursed under his breath. What the hell was he supposed to do now? He needed more time to convince her he was right. More time to win her back.

  “All right,” he said. “I’ll go, but I’ll come back later after Chloe goes to sleep, and we’ll finish this conversation.”

  Gabriella took a couple of steps backward, away from him.

  “It’s already finished.” She reached for the door. “I don’t want to see you again, Justin. I’m sorry, but I…I don’t want to be a part of this.”

  “Gabriella.” He reached out for her hand but she pulled away. Justin felt her slipping further and further from his grasp. “Don’t do this to us, sweetheart. It doesn’t have to be this way.”

  “Yes, it does. It’s what I want.”

  “I’ll call you in a day or two, after you’ve thought about things.”

  She shook her head, not looking at him. “Please don’t…please… just leave me alone. I’m not going to change my mind. Take care of Brin and your baby; they’re going to need all of your attention.”

  He tried to think of something to say to change her mind, but she turned around and went into the house, closing the door behind her.

  September had long since turned into October, and this particular cool but sunny day found Gabriella trying out the kayak she’d bought on a lark at a garage sale last weekend for forty dollars. It was a small, plastic, canary yellow boat, and she was glad there wasn’t anyone around to witness her foibles as she tried to figure out how to paddle it. She had mastered the art of going around in circles. Now all she had to do was get the damn thing to go in a straight line.

  Fortunately, she hadn’t fallen into the water, and even more fortunately the kayak hadn’t sunk. For forty dollars she’d wondered if there was something wrong with it, but the man she bought it from assured her he’d just gotten too old to take it out.

  “You should be wearing a lifejacket if you’re going to be out there alone.”

  Gab swung the paddle around, and her breath caught in her throat when she saw Justin walk out onto her dock.

  No, she thought, not Justin…Blake. He had managed to push her permits through with amazing speed, and they had started the work on her house two days ago. She was looking forward to the renovation, but every time she saw Blake, she was reminded of his twin. And every time she was reminded of his twin, another little piece of her heart splintered.

  She managed to get the kayak back to the dock without making too much a fool of herself, and Blake got down on his knees and caught the front of it, pulling her over to the shore line.

  “You’re digging your paddle in too deep,” he said as she climbed out while he kept it from tipping her into the water. “You’ll do better if you take shallow, even strokes.”

  “Thanks.” She waded ashore and looked at the camera hanging from his neck and then up to him.

  “If you took pictures of that and are planning on blackmailing me, you’re out of luck. The guy who’s knocking my house down already has a contract for all my money.”

  Blake gave her a crooked grin that reminded her so much of Justin’s it hurt. She looked away and brushed a nonexistent nothing from her shirt.

  “How are Delaney and Kate?” she asked, feeling guilty she hadn’t been to visit her good friend or the baby in almost three weeks. She had only seen them once since Kate had been born last month. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to go over, or even that she didn’t have the time, she just didn’t want to risk running into Justin. She had only seen him once since she’d ended their relationship. It was about a month ago. She had gone into town to run a few errands. She was standing in line at the drugstore, waiting to check out, much like a time many months ago when he’d still been a stranger to her.

  Without looking, she had sensed someone staring at her, so she had turned around and found herself facing a broad chest in a white dress shirt. She knew before glancing up who it was. When she finally raised her eyes to his, he just looked at her. She didn’t know what he’d been thinking behind that probing amber gaze. Neither of them had spoken. Her because she’d been so stunned to see him again, so close she could have wrapped her arms around his waist and melted against that warm chest. Him…well…she didn’t know. She’d paid for her purchases and left without a word, feeling emptier than she had in years. Since then she avoided going into town unless she had to. And now she was avoiding her friends.

  “They’re doing great,” Blake said, walking back up toward the house with her. “You should come by for a visit. Delaney would enjoy the company.”

  “I will,” Gabriella promised, feeling even guiltier because she didn’t think she could. Maybe she would invite Delaney to come here and bring the baby for an afternoon. She would enjoy the company as well, and Delaney might enjoy a change of scenery.

  Blake went over what his crew would be doing the rest of that week. They were going to set up a temporary kitchen on the side of her office, which would basically be untouched by the renovations except for the new picture window that would look out to the water. The dining room and kitchen areas would be cordoned off with plastic sheeting to minimize dust in the rest of the house.

  “We’ll take out the rest of the appliances tomorrow, and then the real demolition will begin,” Blake told her.

  “Okay,” Gab said with a nod. “And you still think you’re going to be able to finish everything before Christmas?”

  Blake gave her a sideways glance. “Is that what I told you?”

  Gabriella felt a thread of dread, and her mouth dropped open a little as she stared at him.

  “Uhmm, yes,” she said nervously. “You said the week before actually.”

  “Well then…” He threw her a teasing look and grinned. “We’ll just have to make sure it gets done by the week before Christmas, won’t we?”

  She wagged her finger at him. “You’re as bad as—” She let the thought trail off, unfinished. She was going to say Justin…as bad as Justin. They were both great teasers.

  And how she missed his teasing. She missed their long talks and the easy way they were with each other. She missed his lopsided grins and his passionate kisses. She missed everything about him. She had thought it would have gotten easier by now, but the more time passed, the more she missed him. He had become a part of her and now that part was gone.

  Blake put a hand in his jeans pocket and shuffled uncomfortably. He must have guessed what she was going to say. Neither Blake nor Delaney had brought up anything about Justin or Brin over the last two months. She didn’t know if they were worried it might upset her or if the subject had become taboo. Perhaps Justin had asked them not to talk about it.

  She assumed Justin’s child had already been born. No one had told her one way or the other. Not that anyone owed her that, but she did wonder. She was at least curious if he’d had a girl or a boy. If it were a boy, she hoped he looked just like him. And if it were a girl…she couldn’t imagine a female version of Justin. He was so very male. But if it were a girl, she hoped her father loved her very much.

  Blake’s cell
phone rang and he took the call. When he finished, he told her it had been Delaney.

  “She asked if you and Chloe would want to come over for a cookout on Saturday. We won’t be able to have many more once the weather turns.”

  Gab hesitated. She didn’t have anything planned for Saturday, and she knew Chloe would love to go. Her daughter and Ben had become best buddies. As nice as it would be, she was going to refuse. She just had to think of a good enough excuse that Blake and Delaney wouldn’t be offended.

  Blake frowned at her. “If you’re worried about seeing Justin, he won’t be there,” he said with a note of exasperation. “He’s driving to DC Friday night for the weekend.”

  Gabriella caught her bottom lip between her teeth. She didn’t know whether to be embarrassed or apologetic, but clearly she hadn’t fooled anyone.

  “I’m sorry,” she told him, giving a small shake of her head. “I haven’t been a very good friend lately.” She raised her eyes in regret and smiled. “Tell Delaney we’ll be there. And thank you.”

  “I’ll tell her.” He turned and started walking toward the house, and she heard him mumble something about “…goddamned stubborn fools.”

  GABRIELLA AND Chloe spent a thoroughly delightful Saturday afternoon with the Morrison family. After much cajoling from Blake and Delaney, who assured her Ben was quite an adept sailor, Gab had agreed to let Chloe go out in the little sailboat with him. Her daughter was, after all, Gab told herself, wearing a lifejacket.

  They were never more than twenty or thirty feet from the dock. Blake had given Ben strict instructions that he wasn’t to take it any farther, but Gab had been so nervous she hadn’t taken her eyes off the little skiff the entire time. They had all teased her for being an overanxious mom afterward, and she accepted their jibes with good humor.

  As she finished off her hamburger, Chloe informed Gabriella the only thing she wanted for her next birthday was a sailboat. Gab was still gunning for a kitten, but at least she could stop worrying about building a barn and what to do with all the horse manure.