The Upside of Unrequited

by Becky Albertalli

  Then Cassie looks at me. “There’s a boy?” she asks. And there’s something in her voice. Maybe wonder, maybe anger. I don’t know.

  I shrug. I feel myself blushing.

  “How could you not tell me?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “You don’t know. Jesus. I’m your twin fucking sister.”

  I meet her eyes finally. “Well, I didn’t think we were on speaking terms.”

  “Well, we weren’t.”

  I laugh nervously. “Well, okay.”

  “But I’m over it, okay? We’re talking. Tell me about the boy.” She slides her elbows forward, cupping her chin in her hands.

  “Um. What do you want to know?”

  Cassie smiles and rolls her eyes. “Uh, let’s start with this: Who is he?”

  I blush. “Reid.”

  She laughs.

  “What?”

  “No, it’s just the least surprising thing ever.”

  “Oh.”

  “So what’s the deal? You guys kissed? He’s your boyfriend? What?”

  “Yes.” I grin into my sleeve.

  “What?” She swipes my arm. “Wait, which one?”

  “Both.”

  Her mouth falls open.

  I swipe her back. “Stop looking so surprised.”

  “I’m not. I’m just excited. This is a huge deal, Mo.” She scoots closer to me and hooks an arm around my shoulders. “Holy shit. You have a boyfriend.”

  “And you have a girlfriend.”

  “I know. It’s weird.” Then she rests her head on my shoulder and sighs.

  And for a moment, we just sit there.

  “God, I feel like we have so much to talk about,” I say. I squeeze my eyes shut.

  “Definitely,” she says.

  Then she lifts her head off my shoulder. When I open my eyes, she’s staring down at the table, lips pressed together.

  “Okay, I want to say something to you,” she says after a moment. She slides her arm off my shoulders and wrings her hands together. “So, I don’t know how to say this without pissing you off or hurting your feelings, but I need you to hear me out. I’m just going to put it all out there, okay?”

  My shoulder muscles tighten—I feel myself getting defensive. But I try to shake it off. “Okay.”

  She bites her lip and nods. “So, I feel like things have been kind of off between us since I started dating Mina.”

  I nod.

  “Right? I’m not imagining it?”

  I swallow. “No.”

  “And, like, I have to admit, it really pissed me off at first. Because I could not understand why you couldn’t just be happy for me.”

  “I am, though! I’m so happy for you.”

  “I know, but it’s also like you think Mina’s replacing you.”

  “No, that’s not . . .” I look up at her. “I don’t think that.”

  “But you said that,” Cassie insists. “At the party. You said I was ditching you for Mina.”

  “Yeah.” I exhale. “I’m sorry.”

  She shakes her head. “I’m not trying to make you apologize. I’m just saying, I think we should talk about this. I don’t think this is just going to go away, you know? Maybe it will be better now that Reid’s in the picture, but . . .”

  I shut my eyes. “I don’t know.”

  “Honestly, it’s getting to the point where every thing I do, I’m worrying about how you’re going to take it. Like, I don’t want to be that person who gets into a relationship and ignores everyone else. We hate that person.”

  “You’re not—”

  “And I’m trying really hard, you know? I feel like you don’t give me any credit for that. I invite you to everything. The sleepover, the party, the fucking pottery place. Everything.”

  I feel nauseated, and I don’t know why. “You don’t have to do that.”

  “I know!” She throws her hands up. “I know I don’t. But I want to.”

  “I don’t want to be a person you have to tiptoe and walk on eggshells around.”

  “No, Molly, you’re not.” She shakes her head. “You’re not. It’s just I’m having trouble balancing this. I’m not used to having another person be this important to me.”

  She’s staring at her knees, tears pooling in her eyes.

  “And I don’t want to lose us, you know?”

  I feel my eyes prickle, too. Everything’s a little blurry. I can’t seem to focus. I press my fist into my chin.

  “I’m scared it’s inevitable,” I say finally.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Growing apart. Look at Nadine and Aunt Karen.”

  “Don’t you think that’s a little different? Aunt Karen is a homophobe.”

  “No, I know. But still.” I swallow. “How many sisters do you know who are as close as adults as they were growing up?”

  “Well, I don’t know many adult sisters . . . ,” Cassie says, smiling faintly.

  “You know what I mean, though. It’s like, we used to tell each other all of this stuff. Who we liked, or hooked up with, or whatever. But then there’s this shift. It’s like our loyalties switch over, and the relationship becomes the main thing.”

  “Okay, we haven’t switched over our loyalties—”

  “But we will.” I take a deep breath. “Even if it’s not with Mina and Reid. Eventually. It’s the normal thing that happens. You don’t marry your siblings.”

  “Yeah, that would be a smidge incestuous,” Cassie says.

  “Just a smidge.”

  She laughs, and then sniffs.

  “I mean, obviously, you’re right,” Cassie says finally. “And I guess that’s kind of why I wanted the Will thing to happen. Like, maybe if we dated best friends, it wouldn’t be like that for us.”

  “Right.”

  “But . . . Will’s a no-go, huh?”

  I shake my head, smiling.

  “So, what do we do?” Cassie asks.

  “I don’t know.”

  She sniffs again. I look over at her, and there are tears streaking down her cheeks. “Shut up. This is sad,” she says, smiling wetly.

  “I know.”

  “Change is fucking hard. It’s fucking tragic.”

  “Change can go fuck itself,” I say, and I like how it sounds on my tongue. Fuck itself. It catches Cassie off guard. She laughs so hard, she can barely catch her breath.

  And all of a sudden, I can’t help but wonder: are the ancestors tuned in to this moment? And do they get it?

  I bet they do.

  Because that’s the thing about change. It’s so painfully normal. It’s the most basic of all tragedies. Sisters in the Paleolithic period probably felt shitty about this stuff.

  And it’s weird how I can know this, but it doesn’t make it hurt less.

  REID COMES OVER ON WEDNESDAY to help me test my cake recipe.

  And I guess I can’t really put it off any longer: I have to ask him to be my date this Sunday. But in a totally no-pressure kind of way. Because this doesn’t have to be a Thing. It’s just a date. To a wedding. In which the brides are my parents. ALL RIGHT? NO BIG DEAL.

  “Okay, it’s ten thirty now.” He leans back against the fridge. “And I’m supposed to be at work by noon. So, don’t let me—oof.”

  I kiss him so hard, it sets off the ice machine.

  “Oh,” I say, and he laughs, hands catching me around the waist. This is still the strangest thing. Strange that I’m doing this. Strange that I survived not doing this. I don’t know how I ever went five minutes without kissing, much less thirty-two thousand minutes.

  But I like the way Reid kisses with his glasses on. I like the way my brain feels hazy. We probably shouldn’t be doing this in the kitchen, especially because Cassie’s home. She could walk in at any minute. Which is horrifying. Because I suddenly understand why Cassie got so mysterious about Mina. I can’t explain it, but I get it.

  I kiss Reid again. Maybe if we keep kissing, I won’t have to ask him to the we
dding. He’ll just know. He’s probably expecting it anyway. Unless he’s not. Unless he’s thinking: whoa, I hooked up with this girl last week, and now she wants to bring me to her parents’ wedding.

  HEY, LIFE: STOP BEING SO AWKWARD.

  Reid pauses. “What was that beep?”

  “Oh! The oven’s done preheating.” I exhale. I make myself step back.

  I am baking. I am baking a tiny cake and a bunch of cupcakes, and I should probably think about mixing the batter. At some point. Eventually.

  He kisses me again, softly.

  “Molly?”

  And oh.

  It’s Olivia, wide-eyed in the doorway.

  I whirl around, brightly. “Hi!” My hand slides back, and an entire collection of dry measuring cups clatters to the ground.

  It is a very loud clatter.

  Because it is very silent in here.

  “Oh,” she says. “I don’t mean to interrupt.”

  “You’re not interrupting!” I grin. I’m totally grinning. If I grin hard enough, I’ll probably look super casual and she’ll know there’s nothing suspicious going on here. She didn’t actually see anything. She probably just imagined it, because I am SO CHILL AND CASUAL RIGHT NOW.

  She stares at the ground. “Okay, well, Cass and I are going through some of your family photos to put on display. Just in case you wanted to, you know . . . but I guess you’re busy.”

  “Oh, yeah. We’re baking!”

  “I can see that.”

  My entire face is burning. I didn’t even know Olivia was here, much less in the doorway.

  “So, uh. If you guys want to do photos, we’ll just be in the dining room,” she adds.

  “Okay, great,” I say quickly.

  Her eyes flick up to Reid and back down to me.

  “Great, well . . .”

  She’s gone before I even say good-bye.

  I feel entirely unsettled. I head to the dining room as soon as Reid leaves, but all I find are a bunch of photographs. Cassie and Olivia are nowhere.

  I don’t want to freak out about this, but here’s the thing: even if Reid isn’t into Olivia, I have no idea how Olivia feels about Reid. I guess I’m feeling very tender toward her all of a sudden. Even though a week ago I was dreaming about throwing things at her face.

  A-week-ago Molly was kind of a shitty person.

  I have to make this right. I take a deep breath and text her. Hey, are you still here?

  Nothing. Nothing.

  And then three dots.

  Hey! In Xav’s room with C. You guys should come up here.

  God, she thinks Reid is with me. That I would do that. That I would flaunt him like that. Heeeeeyyy, Olivia, guess what. HE’S MINE HE’S MINE HE’S MINE.

  The thought alone makes me wince. I don’t think I’m a HE’S MINE kind of girl.

  I take the stairs slowly, my heart in my throat.

  Xavier’s room is the size of a walk-in closet. Seriously, my moms got him one of those train track area rugs from Ikea, and it covers his entire floor. When I open the door, Olivia and Xavier are building a tower out of blocks. Except that’s entirely inaccurate. Olivia is building a tower. Xavier is destroying a tower.

  “Hey,” I say, scooping him into my lap. He wriggles out of my arms immediately. “I’m really sorry I missed the photos.”

  “It’s cool. I hear you were busy.” Cassie waggles her eyebrows, and Olivia snickers. They are the worst. Both of them.

  I grin into my fist and settle in next to Cassie, our backs against the crib.

  She leans toward me. “So, Reid’s coming to the wedding, right?”

  “Um. Hopefully? I haven’t asked him yet.”

  I glance at Olivia, who looks as serene as ever.

  “Well, you better fucking get on that,” Cassie says. “And tell him I have to talk to him.”

  I narrow my eyes. “About what?”

  “About how if he breaks your heart, I’ll castrate him. Just your basic protective sister shit.” She stands up, stretching. “Hold that thought. I’ve got to pee.”

  She shuts the door behind her. Olivia smiles up at me. “Molly, you have a boyfriend.”

  I need to not smile. This is not a moment for smiling. This is a moment for being as little of an asshole as humanly possible. This girl just got dumped by the likes of Evan Schulmeister. And now the guy she maybe likes is my boyfriend. I nod, carefully, staring at my knees.

  “I so called that.”

  “You did?” I look up at her tentatively. “Are you mad?”

  “Why would I be mad?”

  “Oh. God. I thought maybe you liked him.”

  There’s a sudden crash as Xavier topples a block tower. He looks from me to Olivia and back to me, lip trembling.

  “Buddy, you’re the one who knocked it down,” I remind him. Sometimes you can trick Xav into not having a meltdown. But he collapses into Olivia’s arms.

  “Oh, I don’t,” Olivia says. “I mean, I like him as a friend, definitely, and I think he’s cute. Like, he’s really cute.”

  “That is true.” I bite back a smile.

  “Definitely cuter than Will, in my opinion.” She blushes.

  Oh God. She likes him.

  “I’m really sorry,” I say quietly.

  “You shouldn’t be! Please don’t be sorry. Anyway, I already knew he was in love with you.”

  “What?” I stop short.

  “Every time I’ve hung out with him, all he did was talk about you.”

  I grin into the sleeve of my cardigan. “Oh.”

  “Yeah.” She smiles. “Seriously, I don’t want to get in the way of that.” She squeezes Xavier’s foot. “I really want this for you, Molly.”

  I think my brain has shut down. I can’t think of a single thing to say. All I know is this: Olivia is definitely a better person than me.

  “Yeah, but I want you to be happy, too,” I say finally.

  She shrugs. “I am.”

  “But I want you to be in love. With someone better than Evan.”

  “Anyone’s better than Evan,” she says.

  “Good point.”

  And now I’m furiously matchmaking in my head. Obviously, Will’s off the table, since Olivia doesn’t even see his cuteness. And Max is kind of an asshole. But I’m curious about Douglas. Reid swears he exists. Olivia and the elusive Douglas. I know Reid ships it.

  “Have you—” I start to say, but Olivia cuts me off.

  “I know what you’re thinking.” Olivia rests her chin on Xavier’s head. “But I don’t actually want a boyfriend right now.”

  “Really?”

  “Not even a little.” She smiles.

  I turn it over in my head. I can’t decide if this is funny or sad, but I’ve spent so much time wanting a boyfriend that I can’t imagine not wanting one. I can imagine saying I don’t want one. But I can’t imagine it being true.

  And maybe that’s just me, a little broken after twenty-six rounds of unrequited love. Maybe this is a side effect.

  FRIDAY NIGHT. DEEP BREATH.

  So, I’ve been trying to ask you something for a couple of days now

  But I can’t seem to get the words out.

  So I guess I’m doing this over text, because I’m the actual worst

  Any chance you’re free on Sunday? As in, the day after tomorrow?

  Because there’s this wedding I’m going to, and I kind of need a date . . .

  BUTT-EARLY, SATURDAY. THE BOYFRIEND REPLIES:

  Okay, I have an idea

  Like a WEDDING idea.

  So, you know those pennant things that look like shark teeth?

  People make cake toppers like that!

  They’re held up by chopsticks. I didn’t make this up. I found it on Pinterest.

  WHY AM I LOOKING AT PINTEREST, MOLLY? What is this madness?

  I think I must miss you.

  Or maybe Pinterest is actually an adorable disease transmitted only through your saliva?

  Your
*adorable* saliva.

  The Adorable Saliva of Molly Peskin-Suso.

  That should be the title of your autobiography!

  Anyway, I know you’re at the alterations place getting altered.

  (But hopefully not too altered.)

  (I really like you unaltered.)

  So, just know that.

  Also, I really think you should do this cake topper.

  (In case this isn’t clear, this is me saying yes. I am down for this wedding and anything else you want to bring me to, ever, especially if cake is involved.)

  UNALTERED? I WRITE. LIKE AN un-spayed cat?

  Oh. Oh no. I mean, YES. Please don’t get spayed.

  I have a boyfriend who sends texts asking me not to get spayed. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of Reid’s weird mind. Ever.

  I’ll try not to! I write. And then: I’m really glad you’re coming.

  So, I’m not getting altered. I’m not even getting my dress altered. We’re just here for my moms, here being the bridal boutique alterations department. Cassie and I are on a velvet couch outside the changing room, surrounded by mirrors. I’m trying not to stare at myself.

  Patty steps out of the changing room and sighs. “Oh God. See, now I don’t know about the strapless.”

  Cassie raises her eyebrows. “Isn’t it a little late in the game for that?”

  “You look perfect,” Nadine says, smiling.

  “I don’t look like a pale, boobless forty-eight-year-old?”

  “You do.” Nadine kisses her. “And I like it.”

  Cassie sinks into the couch cushions and covers her eyes. “Stoooooooooooopppp. Get a room.”

  “Get used to it, Kitty Cat,” Nadine says. She looks in the mirror, grins, and unbuttons her top button. “What do you think?”

  “Perfect,” I say. And they really are perfect. Nadine’s wearing light gray pants and a white button-down from the grooms’ section. I actually watched her tell a consultant that her priority was “boob accessibility.” Patty’s boobs, on the other hand, are trapped behind epic amounts of Alençon lace. They’re both so totally beautiful. I know it’s weird to think that about your parents, but it’s true. I can’t believe they’re getting married tomorrow.

  Nadine turns to me suddenly, eyes glinting. “So, Molly, are you bringing Reid to this thing?”