Ghosting You

by Alexander C. Eberhart

  “Seriously? Already?” Nick cranes his neck, “That didn’t seem like that long.”

  “We’ve made great time,” I say, looking up from my watch. “Just a few yards that way and you’ll see it.”

  “What are we waiting for?” He asks, brushing sweaty bangs off his forehead. They stick straight up and make him look like a bug, which makes me laugh.

  I lead the way down the rocky path, dodging the random saplings that have fought their way through the craggy ground. With every step, my excitement—and anxiety—grows. It’s been over a year since I’ve been here. Will it even hold the same meaning to me now?

  “We’ll have to take a picture of the two of us standing on the edge and send it to Reese! She’ll totally freak! Maybe we can—”

  Nick’s voice fades beneath the hammering rhythm of my pulse. I don’t know if I can do this, Chase. No, that’s not it. I don’t know if I want to do this without you. To see the Drop alongside the absence of you, there’s no telling what I’ll do.

  Bringing Nick along was a good idea.

  The trees have cleared, opening to bright sun and an endless sky. The rocky ground continues for another few yards, then it’s nothing. Just treetops a world below us and miles and miles of air.

  “Whoa.”

  Nick takes slow steps forward, falling quiet. Three more of my own and I’m close to the edge, just a reach away from him.

  It’s everything I remembered. And nothing is the same without you here next to me. Suddenly the distance between us is endless, spanning the width and breadth of the Drop. It steals the air from my lungs and stabs at the back of my eyes until I’m blinking like a crazy person just to keep the tears from coming.

  I miss you, Chase. Something fierce.

  “You okay?”

  I don’t look over to Nick, in case a stray tear spills over. Instead, I clear my throat and say, “Yeah, I’m fine.”

  He doesn’t press for details as he creeps to the edge of the Drop. My heart skips a beat as he plops down, swinging his legs over so they dangle. It’s almost arrogant, the way he taunts fate like it’s nothing to tumble over into oblivion.

  I take a cautious step back myself.

  “This is incredible,” Nick calls over his shoulder, leaning back on his palms as if he hasn’t a care in the world. Sunlight beats down atop his curls, bleaching strands of tawny brown into honey and ginger. And it’s scary how he kinda looks like you in this moment.

  Or maybe I’m just seeing what I want to see.

  “I don’t blame Reese for being so gung-ho on this place.” He takes in a deep breath, chest expanding. “It’s heaven.”

  “It’s something.”

  I don’t join him on the edge of the world. There’s too much gravity pulling me there, like all the space between you and me has created a vacuum. So instead, I lean on one of the boulders within sight, wiping the sweat from my brow and pulling my water bottle from my backpack.

  “You don’t want to join me?”

  His question isn’t unexpected, and yet I’m caught on an answer. How do I explain the invisible pull of this place? How could he ever understand the pain of loss? More importantly, why am I entertaining the idea of telling him? Just because we’ve managed to be nice to each other for a few days doesn’t mean I’m ready to spill all my secrets.

  I save those for my Stranger.

  “I’m good back here.”

  “You’re not scared of heights, are you?”

  “Yeah,” I lie. “That’s it.”

  It’s easier than the truth.

  “That sucks. My brother was the same way. Total scaredy cat, wouldn’t ride a single roller coaster with me at Six Flags, and yet he grew up to fly helicopters. How messed up is that?”

  “He was in the service?”

  Nick nods, suddenly quiet. He blinks a few times and turns his head to face the breeze. Maybe he’s more akin to loss than I thought.

  “He died last August.” Nick’s voice carries over the wind.

  I raise my voice so he can hear me. “My dad was in the marines. He died when I was little.”

  I don’t hesitate with those details. His death isn’t fresh like yours. Doesn’t sting.

  “On active duty?”

  I shake my head. “Car accident.”

  “I’m sorry.” Nick leans forward, peering over the edge. “Sammy got blasted right out of the sky over Syria. He was only supposed to be doing medical transport. It was a shock to everyone. Especially my dad, after everything he did to make sure—”

  He stops, once again attempting to shove words back into his mouth. Maybe his dad really is part of the Mafia. It would explain at least one or two of his eccentricities.

  “I’m sorry.” I say, though the words seem superfluous at this point. He’s bound to have heard them countless times before, but I’m hardwired for politeness.

  The wind picks up again and it’s strong enough to send a ripple across the treetops down in the miniature valley beneath us. Trees swirl and creak, dancing the motions that only nature can spur from them.

  Nick watches the show and I watch Nick. He really is a different person in the sunshine. Freckles highlight his cheeks, his skin taking on a reddish tint from the heat. His hair shimmers from brown to red to brown again. I wonder if everyone looks this different up here, and I’m just now noticing it.

  “I’m glad you brought me here,” he says, eyes trained forward. “I know things between us haven’t exactly been cordial.”

  I don’t know how to answer him.

  Nick laughs. “Until the other night, I’ve kind of been under the impression you hate my freaking guts.”

  “I don’t hate you,” I say, kicking off the boulder and making my way closer because the wind is getting loud. “At least, I don’t now. I can’t really say the same for myself a few weeks ago. What can I say, it takes me a minute to warm up to people.”

  He looks back at me, lips curved in a cocked grin. “Yeah, you were pretty frosty there for a while. Too bad, the cold never bothered me anyway!”

  I cringe at his tone-deaf attempts at humor.

  “I could easily push you off this cliff,” I remind him.

  “Ah, so your true intentions are revealed.”

  We both laugh and a rumble of thunder joins in our revelry. Dark clouds have snuck into the sky from the west, their pursuit of the sun fueled by the constant wind.

  “That doesn’t look good,” Nick says, swinging his legs back onto solid ground.

  “It’s just rain. Not the end of the world.”

  He hefts himself off the ground, dusting the back of his shorts off. “All I’m saying is that lightning likes to hit the tallest object, and right now that’s us.”

  “That’s not true,” I correct him. “It’s all to do with electrical properties. Lightning looks for the shortest distance between itself and the ground, so that means—”

  “I get it,” Nick interrupts. “You’re very smart. Can we please find some cover?”

  Heat rises to my cheeks. “Yeah, sure.”

  This is just what I was worried about. I felt like we were making a connection. Now the weather is going to ruin any progress.

  Rain starts to fall as we make it back to the path, a few big drops at first, then the sun is blotted out by clouds and the drops become a sheet, soaking us. I dive off the trail and under a tall magnolia tree with branches low enough they skim the ground. Nick follows me, seeking refuge under the large leaves.

  He opens his mouth to say something, but a clap of thunder sounds and he flinches.

  “You good?” I ask, once the rumbling has ceased.

  “Y-yeah, of course.” Nick chuckles, but his eyes are wide and dart back and forth.

  I peak my head out from under the tree. Further west I can see sunlight again. “It’s just a pop-up shower. It’ll pass soon.”

  He nods, leaning back on one of the branches as the sky lights up with a flash of lightning. “Uh, can you talk about something
?”

  “Huh?”

  “Talk about something. Anything. Just to distract me.”

  “Okay? What do you want to talk about?”

  “I don’t care. School. Talk to me about—Jesus!” Another flash of lightning ends with a crash of thunder.

  Jeez, he’s freaking out worse than Chase’s dog did during thunderstorms.

  “Go easy on him, Tommy. Not everyone is fearless like you.”

  “Um, I go to Hester’s only high school,” I start. My fingers find a long green leaf to pick at. “I’m about to start my senior year. There’s only like, fifty people in my class.”

  “Seriously? I went to a private school and still graduated with a class of three-hundred.”

  “Perks of living in obscurity.”

  “So, you know everyone in your class?”

  “The majority, yes. We all grew up together, minus the one or two poor souls that actually moved here.”

  “So, you knew Rod and Mel before working at Claudine’s?”

  “I more so knew of them. They both just graduated, so we didn’t share any classes or anything. Even though it’s a small town, it doesn’t mean we don’t have our own cliques. We didn’t exactly hang out with the same crowds.”

  “What crowd did you hang with then? No, wait. Let me guess.” Nick snaps his fingers a few times and scrunches his nose in concentration. “The brooders. You seem the type.”

  “The hell is that supposed to mean?”

  “You know, the brooders. The kids that don’t smile and kinda just sulk all day in a clump of silent emotions.”

  “And now I’m regretting not pushing you off that cliff.”

  That makes him laugh, and he doesn’t jump at the next rumble of thunder so the distraction must be working.

  “What about you?” I ask him. “What category do you fall in at school?”

  “Oh, I’m definitely one of the cool kids. You know, study parties and extra credit chem labs. Oh wait… I’m getting cool kids confused with the overachievers. Damn. I do that a lot.”

  “Extra credit is cool, I guess.”

  “Yeah,” he scoffs. “So cool. Let’s just say if it wasn’t for Reese, you could call me Griffin.”

  I raise an eyebrow.

  “You know. Griffin. The Invisible Man?”

  “Oh. Haven’t read it.”

  He groans. “You’re killing me, smalls.”

  That must be another reference I don’t catch, so I laugh along with him to avoid another slightly condescending explanation.

  “So, Reese is part of the cool kids, then?”

  Nick shrugs, lifting himself up onto the branch so his feet dangle above the collecting puddles. “You could say that. She’s just super likable. Tends to blend well with all kinds. What she sees in me, I’ll never know. I’ve got a theory she’s sticks around for my cupcakes. And that’s not a euphemism, I actually make killer cupcakes.”

  The rain intensifies again, so I have to join Nick on his branch to hear him.

  “She sounds like a good friend.”

  “The best. She’ll get to come back for another week later in the summer, so you can see for yourself.”

  I wonder what she’ll think, when she gets the chance to really know me. I wonder what Nick will think, if I ever give him the chance.

  “Sounds fun,” I say.

  “What about you, Tommy? Do you have a Reese in your life?”

  “Um, not exactly.”

  I had you in my life, Chase. But that’s not something I want to share with him. Not yet, at least.

  “What about your other friends? I mean, there’s got to be at least one person you’d rather be hiking with.”

  “I—uh… Yeah. I mean, of course. There’s, uh…”

  Nick laughs as I sputter. “Dude, it’s not that important. Don’t hurt yourself. Who am I to judge if you’re a friendless sociopath that lead me miles into the woods and has threatened to push me off a cliff?”

  I blink at him, but he’s smiling.

  “My best friend died almost a year ago.”

  And the smile fades, replaced instead with wide eyes and lips that part then close then part again.

  Why did I tell him that? He was only kidding about the sociopath thing. At least, I think he was. There was no reason to bring you up. And yet, here we are.

  “Tommy,” Nick starts, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to—I mean, you never told me—I’m just going to shut up now.”

  “It’s fine,” I say, though the stabbing heat spreading across my face begs to differ.

  “How did they—” Nick starts to ask, but he must think better of it, fingers covering his lips.

  “His name is Chase,” I tell him, because your name is still your name, even if you’re not here. I’ll keep it alive as long as I can. You fought hard enough for it. It’d be a shame to toss it aside.

  Nick nods, swallowing the questions I can see bouncing around behind hazel eyes. He’s trying to be tactful, which is a strain for him, I’m sure.

  “He drowned in the river, last July,” I say, which is technically the truth. What I don’t tell him is it’s totally my fault you’re dead.

  “Shit.” Nick exhales, gripping the branch underneath him. The rain has slowed to a patter and droplets leak through the cover of leaves, landing on the crown of my head and the exposed skin of my arms. When the breeze blows, I shiver.

  “This is my first time back up here, since he’s… gone. It’s bizarre. Like I’ve been holding onto this daydream of a place, and now that I’m here, it’s too real. The details too sharp. You know what I mean?”

  To my surprise, Nick nods.

  “Totally. Believe it or not, Hester isn’t my family’s first choice in vacation destinations. We’re usually down in Key Biscayne. We even went down this year, right after school let out. I was so excited. The sun, the surf, the bathing suits… But the house felt empty, from the moment we got there. It took two days for Mom and me to realize what it was. Sammy was always the glue between the two of us. Without him, we never stood a chance.

  “So, Dad made a few last-minute adjustments. He’s great at those. And Mom started on her next book early. And I got a job. We all needed a way to keep busy.”

  “You mean your dad isn’t making you work at Claudine’s?”

  Nick shakes his head. “Don’t get me wrong, he’s thrilled I showed enough gumption to get hired in the first place, but he’s too wrapped up in work to really even know what’s going on up here.”

  “That makes sense. I just don’t understand how you put up with Mel’s bullshit for so long.”

  Nick fiddles with the bandages on his left arm, tracing it slowly from wrist to elbow. I watch his finger move back and forth. “Because it’s easier, I guess? Easier than sitting in that cabin, watching my mom ignore the fact that her kid just died. Or sitting on my ass all summer, stress-baking and getting fat because I’m freaking out about college.”

  Jeez. I would never have guessed he’s got this much going on. He seems so happy. Maybe he’s just better at hiding the dysfunction.

  “You probably think I’m crazy.” He lets out a weak laugh. “My friends would agree with you.”

  “Not at all. Now that I’ve heard your reasoning.”

  He nods, wiping the end of his nose. Then he runs his hand through his hair and the wet clumps stick out in odd places.

  I feel for him. It sucks questioning your own sanity.

  “Would people think that you’re crazy, if they knew you talked to me?”

  You make a good point.

  “If it makes you feel better, I’m way crazier than you. You should see the legal pads of notes my therapist has on the subject.”

  The corner of his mouth twitches. “Does it help? The therapy?”

  It’s the first question I don’t feel the need to skirt around the answer.

  “Yes. Absolutely.”

  He nods, his eyes lingering on me as the silence expands to fill the air around
us.

  The rain has stopped. Droplets drip sporadically from above. Shoving off of the branch, I step out from the cover of leaves. Retracing my steps on the path, Nick follows me back to our spot on the edge of the Drop. We both sit and watch the sun peek through a cluster of dark clouds, golden beams streaking down like a spotlight from God.

  “It really is beautiful up here.” Nick says, his hand brushing against mine as he leans back.

  I watch him, careful not to move I don’t have to say anything to agree.

  “These shots are gorgeous, Nick!”

  “I thought you might like those.”

  Reese’s eyes narrow and she leans closer through the screen of my laptop, “I can’t believe you made it all the way up there! I thought it was supposed to be a stupid difficult hike?”

  “You know, it didn’t seem too bad at the time. Guess I must be acclimating to this rugged, mountain man life.”

  “Oh yeah, I can totally see your lumberjack beard coming in. Have you traded your prolific amounts of plaid in for flannels yet?”

  “Hardy har-har.”

  She grins, displaying rows of orthodontically straightened teeth. Her smiles have been really toothy since she got her braces taken off.

  “So how was it with Tommy? Was it weird? Are you two BFF’s now? Have I been replaced? Because honestly, I don’t know how I’d deal with that right now.”

  “It was… good.”

  I’m too lost in my thoughts to articulate any better. To be honest, I’ve been replaying that moment, when it was just me and Tommy on top of the world, in my head until it’s been burned into my subconscious. The warm breeze. The golden sunlight. The smooth touch of his hand on mine…

  “Good does not satisfy my carnal thirst for details, Nick dear. I need more. Más. Encore. Di piu!”

  “Okay, okay!” I interrupt before she moves on to Latin. “It was nice! We had like, a moment, you know?”

  “Oh, really?” Reese does that wiggly eyebrow thing that skeeves me out.