Captain Caveman

by Jerry Boyd

  Rangolus asked, “I’m not sure I see what you mean?”

  “When the Gene Cernan was damaged, the human crew abandoned ship. At least some, probably most of them made it to Earth, where they interbred with the locals and produced the humans we see today. Not a colony on purpose, but a colony just the same, wouldn’t you say?”

  “I see what you mean. We might be able to use some of the data concerning Earth to help dial in our algorithm.”

  I spoke up. “Gene?”

  “Yes, Boss?”

  “Can you give these fellas access to your records concerning the planet we’re orbiting, and the crew’s escape to Earth when you were damaged?”

  “Of course, Boss. Abe shut me down not too long after they made landfall, so I don’t know too much.”

  “I’m sure whatever you have is more than they have now. Thank you.”

  “No problem, Boss.”

  I turned back to the table. “I don’t know how much Gene’s records will do for you, since you won’t have firsthand source data for any other planets, but I wouldn’t think it could hurt.”

  Mingus replied, “Sir, I’m sure it will be a great help. I feel silly for not asking for access ourselves.”

  “That’s me. Just dumb enough that I don’t know which questions aren’t worth asking.”

  Nikki said, “Don’t listen to that nonsense, boys. It’s all part of his camouflage. He tries to make people think he’s dumber than he actually is. He says it makes people underestimate him.”

  Rangolus said, “Yes, Ma’am. We got caught in that trap already. He just makes it hard to remember.”

  “He does, doesn’t he? I wonder if it’s some kind of low-level telepathy or something?”

  I said, “Oh, now you’re accusing me of Jedi mind tricks? This is not the Bob you are looking for?”

  “Pretty much.”

  Zoom and Nunya wandered in. Nunya asked, “Pretty much what?”

  Nikki replied, “We were just talking about how Bob manages to project as less competent than he is, in order to fool people into underestimating him.”

  “Ain’t that the truth. He had me beat before I even realized we were playing.”

  I said, “You guys are ate up. I just stumble along until I find something that works. Very little of any competency involved.”

  Dingus came in. He said, “What are we trying to pin on Bob now?”

  Nunya said, “The Captain is trying to convince us that he doesn’t purposely manipulate people into thinking he’s a little slow, he’s just lucky and persistent.”

  “He is persistent, kinda like a rash you can’t quite get rid of. As far as being a little slow, he just comes across that way because he’s not good socially. Lucky, well, no, he’s not that, but he can figure a way out of a mess about as fast as anybody I ever met.”

  Nunya replied, “Wow, that sums him up pretty good. I’ll have to remember that.”

  I said, “That, and your homework. You have drawings due in the morning.”

  “I’m nearly done. I just have a couple of things I can’t figure out the priority on.”

  “Which one are you more likely to need in a hurry?”

  “They’re both about the same. That’s just it, I can’t find any reason to prefer one over the other.”

  “Draw it up both ways, and see which one Scotti likes. She’s been doing this longer than me or you.”

  “You think she’ll go for that?”

  “I’ve only been working with her for a couple of weeks. It seems reasonable, though. If she doesn’t like it, you can always fall back on, ‘But it was the Captain’s suggestion’, can’t you?”

  “I suppose I could. You wouldn’t mind?”

  “It’s true, isn’t it?”

  “Well, yes, but...”

  “But nothing. I suggested it, if it gets you in trouble, I’ll back you up.”

  “Thanks, Captain.”

  “You’re welcome. Now, do either one of you two know anything at all about that colony that you were headed to?”

  Nunya said, “Not me, Boss.”

  Zoom replied, “Precious little, Boss. Just that it exists, and the people there didn’t want to go out to the stars to plunder.”

  “So, their comm code, so we could dial them up and let them know we’re coming, is out of the question?”

  “Afraid so, Boss. Since we’re associated with the folks who went off to pirate, I’m not even sure we’ll be welcome there.”

  “You came all this way on a hope that they would take you in?”

  “Yes, Boss. That’s exactly what we did. We hoped we could find a peaceful life, and not have to scrounge for a living anymore.”

  “Well, I blew the peaceful life part out of the water, but at least we have plenty to eat.”

  Sally spoke up. “Boss, we’re going to need some meat in a week or so.”

  “Can you stretch what you have till we get to Charlie’s Planet, or do we need to learn how to cook one of those big beasties down below?”

  “We could make it to Charlie’s, but I’d feel better with a reserve.”

  “Dingus, food supply is a security problem. You’re in charge of acquiring a stock of local meat.”

  “Begging your pardon, Sir, but food supply is a logistics problem.”

  “Do me a favor. Look around the room. Do you see your Son? Do you see his lovely assistant? No, you don’t, because we didn’t think to bring anybody from logistics. That makes me feel very insecure. See, security problem.”

  Nikki said, “Wow, Caveman! That was some pretzel logic.”

  “Hush, he hasn’t bought it yet.”

  Dingus said, “You two are something to see. I’ve got to get back to D-lightful pretty soon.”

  I replied, “I didn’t know you wanted to go back, you could’ve rode with Steve and Bucky.”

  “I would have been in the way on that flight. I’ll catch the next one.”

  “We have plenty of ships on board. I’m sure Scotti and Zoom have crews bringing them up to company specs. Any time you want to take off, just let me know before you go, so I’m not looking for you.”

  “Thanks, Bob. I want to see Charlie’s Planet before I head back, though.”

  “Don’t blame you. It’s a beautiful place.”

  Sally said, “Are you turkeys going to talk all night, or do you want fed?”

  I asked, “Are Jane and John coming up for supper?”

  Sally replied, “John had to set a broken leg before he put the patient in the autodoc. They’ll be here in just a minute.”

  “Let’s eat, then.”

  I was about to start eating when Greg ran in. “Uncle Bob! Did you know they have a statue of you down on the planet? In your dress uniform, like you wore for the wedding.”

  “Well, Greg, the pigeons have to have somewhere to rest, don’t they?”

  “Oh, Uncle Bob! They don’t have pigeons. They put it up because they like you, for helping them out.”

  “Is that right? Does that mean they’ll take it down when they get to know me better?”

  “You’re silly, Uncle Bob.”

  “Did you wash up for supper?”

  “Yep. Dad had me use soap and hand sandpaper.”

  “I think you mean sanitizer, there, Chief.”

  “Maybe so. Uncle Bob, I have a hard question.”

  “Go ahead and ask, I have a hard head.”

  “There are big animals down on the planet, right?”

  “Yes.”

  “My other Dad said that there used to be big animals on Earth, and when they died, they turned into oil. Will the big animals down there turn into oil if they die?”

  “That could happen, but it takes a long time. Longer than Dingus or Phonelia have been alive, way longer.”

  He looked dejected and said, “Oh.”

  “Why do you ask, Short Stuff?”

  “I thought if they turned into oil, I could come back and drill for it. Then I could see all my new friends a
gain.”

  “Well, I don’t know about drilling for oil, but I bet we’ll be coming back here for other reasons, if you want to come.”

  “Really? That would be great!”

  “It’ll cost you.”

  “How much?”

  “Sally, do you think you could find this young man some lessons to work on?”

  She said, “Oh, yes, Boss, I think I have just the thing.”

  “You’re sneaky, Uncle Bob.”

  “Don’t worry, Greg, your Dad will teach you how.”

  John spoke up as he came into the galley. “Teach him how to do what, Bob?”

  “Be sneaky.”

  “Maybe that should be his Mom’s job. She’s better at it than me.”

  I replied, “That means a lot coming from you.”

  He said, “She’s a lot of woman.”

  Jane said, “Are you trying to say my behind is too big?”

  “No Ma’am. I am trying to say you’re more woman than I deserve.”

  Dingus started clapping before me, but it was a near thing. Dingus said, “Good save, Son. Good save.”

  We all dug into Sally’s wonderful supper. As we were eating dessert, Nunya said, “This is wonderful. What’s it called?”

  Sally said, “Lemon meringue pie. You like it?”

  “Very much. Almost wish we didn’t have to go wake Dad up, so I could have another piece.”

  Sally replied, “Well, if you come by later, I’m sure there will be leftovers in the refrigerator.”

  “Really? It’s okay to come back for a snack? There’s no rationing?”

  “No, there isn’t any rationing aboard the Gene. Not to say we might not have so much variety, before we make it to Charlie’s Planet, but we have plenty.”

  Zoom asked, “I keep hearing people talk about Charlie’s Planet. Who’s Charlie?”

  I said, “The male version of Nunya, more or less. He caught us loading a ship on Earth, where there shouldn’t be any ships, and used the knowledge to get us to help his Grandpa.”

  “He has his own planet?”

  “No, we just call it that, because Morning Flower’s Planet doesn’t roll off the tongue as smooth.”

  Zoom replied, “I’ve heard people talking about Morning Flower, too. Who is she?”

  I said, “Gene, can you find some video of Morning Flower and put it on the screen in here?”

  “Sure, Boss.”

  Zoom sat, mesmerized, watching the video. She said, “You found a whole new intelligent race, and you’re not telling the whole galaxy?”

  “They’re nice folks. They don’t need the whole galaxy up in their business.”

  Gene spoke up. “My new job is going to be seeing that the galaxy doesn’t get ‘up in their business’, as the Boss puts it.”

  Zoom said, “I don’t understand. How is a big freighter going to keep people away?”

  I said, “Gene was refitted as a big freighter, a colony ship. She started out life as a carrier, with lots of launch bays to launch and recover fighters and attack planes. We intend to bring her back to her roots.”

  “So Morning Flower and her pilots can fly off the Gene in defense of her planet?”

  “Exactly.”

  Nunya finished her pie. “I guess we better go wake Dad.”

  I replied, “Don’t worry, none of the bars onboard are open.”

  “That might be worse. He doesn’t like it when he can’t find a drink.”

  Dingus and Jane stood up. I said, “You can come along, but don’t draw on him till he gives you cause.”

  Zoom said, “Mind if I tag along, Boss?”

  “Nope. I was hoping you would.”

  We rode the transit down to medbay. I noticed some of the bots had cleaned and patched his uniform. It was good work. Jane stepped to the front and started the ‘doc waking him up. Then she stepped back, in a better position to cover us, if there was any excitement. The box popped its top, and he began to come around. Once he realized where he was, he said, “Autodoc? What happened? Are Rizzum and Billus okay?”

  Zoom spoke up. “We’re fine, Sammus. How are you?”

  “I’m okay, but why did you put me in the box? Last I remember we were getting hailed by some weirdo who thought we should surrender to him.”

  Zoom said, “Let me introduce Captain Wilson, weirdo-in-chief.”

  I said, “Nice to meet you, Sammus. Mind if I call you Sam?”

  “I suppose not. Where exactly are we?”

  “Aboard the Gene Cernan.”

  “Like the Moonwalker? So you’re from Earth?”

  “Yes, and yes.”

  “You’re Bob Wilson, the famous bounty hunter?”

  “I’m Bob Wilson, and I’ve been known to collect a bounty or two, yes.”

  “Why are you all the way out here?”

  “Returning lost property. I need to ask you something. Do you know any way to get in touch with the colony you folks came to find?”

  “No, I don’t.”

  I replied, “I was hoping someone would. Just dropping in on them seems like it’s bound to shake them up. I’d like it better if this meeting could be nice and calm.”

  “Well, Mr. Wilson, I can see where that would be better, but other than just calling with our normal protocols, I wouldn’t have any idea how to go about getting in touch with them. You’ve tried that already, I assume?”

  “To tell you the truth, nobody bothered to mention you folks even had standard comm protocols. So, no, we haven’t.”

  Zoom said, “Oops! I should have thought of that.”

  I said, “Yes, I think maybe you should have. Too late now. We’ll try them before we head down in the morning.”

  Nunya spoke up. “Boss, maybe somebody didn’t tell you, but their colony is around the planet from where we are. The sun is rising there right about now.”

  I replied, “Oh, that would have been handy to know. Guess I need to keep closer track of the details. What I get for giving my secretary other duties.”

  I left them to get Sam up and going, and stepped out to make some comm calls. First, I commed Scotti. “Yes, Boss?”

  “It seems that mission I intended to fly in the morning needs to be flown tonight. Could you hunt me up a fighter escort, please? Former Navy, if you could?”

  “You’re saying you want bots who can fire on humans if the need arises?”

  “I am. Will that be a problem?”

  “No, Sir. Will the four who flew with you the other day to the outer system be enough, or will you need more?”

  “I wouldn’t mind another flight of four, if you can find the pilots.”

  “I can set that up for you, Sir. How soon do you need them?”

  “I have to tell my wife we’re moving up the mission, and then make peace with her, give me half an hour.”

  “I’ll have them ready to launch in half an hour, and tell them to expect delays.”

  “It’s good to know you have faith in me, Scotti.”

  “Fly safe, Boss.”

  “Fly safe, Scotti.”

  Then I commed Nikki. “Hey, Caveman, what’s up?”

  “Nunya informed me of a fact I had failed to take note of. The other colony is on the other side of the planet. If we’re going, we need to go now. The sun is just rising for them.”

  “I knew things were going too smooth. Oh well, sleep is overrated. Meet you at the launch bay?”

  “Yep. Is John still there?”

  “He is. We were having a nice chat. I assume you’d like him to come along?”

  “If Sally can take Greg till we return, things could get dicey down there.”

  “Greg needs his rest, anyhow.”

  “See you shortly. Love you.”

  “Love you too.”

  I looked at the contacts in my comm. Someone had loaded numbers for all the new bots. I commed Angus. “Yes, Boss, how can I help you?”

  “See which of your guests still want to go to the colony they were trying to
find, and get them to the launch bay.”

  “Sir, I don’t have enough personnel to escort some of the prisoners to the bay, and still properly oversee the ones here.”

  “Any more of your type aboard?”

  “Not that I’m aware of, Sir.”

  “You think Andre could round up a few of his cargo handlers to help you? They might not be combat trained, but they’re big enough to make anybody think twice about acting up.”

  “Actually, Sir, if you let me administer the unlock code, Andre and his team would be ideal. They were what I think your people call Marines.”

  “Just get Gene to give you privacy before you do that, Angus.”

  “Of course, Sir.”

  Dingus came up to me. “Bob, we used the truth cap, and Steve’s methods. He came up okay when we asked him about needing a drink.”

  “That’s good to hear. How does he feel about working for Scotti?”

  “Seems like he’d rather go down to the colony, like they had originally planned.”

  “How does Nunya feel about that?”

  “She and Zoom are over in the corner, whispering. I’m not sure what they’re cooking up.”

  “Bring them all, we’re going to go see if those folks are accepting visitors.”

  We rode the transit down to the launch bay. Nikki and John were already there, as were Angus and Andre. Andre came up to me, stood at attention, and saluted me. I snapped to and returned his salute. He said, “Thank you, Sir, for allowing Angus to give us our memories back.”

  “My pleasure, Andre. Good to have you with us.”

  I called out. “Okay, folks, let’s all get aboard the Evans.” Andre and three of his bots helped Angus get the people who wanted to join the colony aboard. The rest followed. Being last aboard, I hit the button to close the ramp. I got on the intercom. “Ready to fly, Space Cadet. You’ve got unsecured people back here. You might want to run the gravity.”

  “Ready for the black, loose people in the back. Aye, aye, Captain Caveman.”

  We didn’t feel much maneuvering, but soon Nikki came over the intercom. “Caveman, bring Zoom and whoever else she thinks can talk to these people up here. We’re as close as I want to get without an invitation.”

  I nodded at Zoom and started for the bridge. She pointed to a few people, and followed. Nunya, of course, tagged along. Zoom went to the mike. She fiddled with some settings, and then said, “Hello, the colony. I have descendants of the people who left. They would like to talk to you about returning.”