Captain Caveman

by Jerry Boyd

  She replied, “You really don’t have a clue what to do with these folks, do you? You’re honestly trying to find them a place to live, even though they used to be pirates? Are you some kind of do-gooder?”

  “That’s one for the books. I’ve never gotten accused of that before. Most folks think I’m closer to asshole, truthfully. These people had a place to live, a way to make a living, and now they don’t. That’s on me. I pay my debts.”

  “No offense intended, Captain. Do you suppose we could talk about this face-to-face? I like what you’re saying, but I’d rather be able to look you in the eye.”

  “I’ll be down shortly. Do you mind if I bring my engineer and her crew?”

  She replied, “I don’t suppose I do, Captain. See you soon.”

  I turned to Topper. “Mr. Topper, you have the conn. If, for any reason, I fail to return to the ship, Mr. Branham is in command.”

  Topper replied, “I have the conn. Fly safe, Sir.”

  I commed Scotti. “Yes, Boss?”

  “Is that ship you had loaded with a power core still ready to go?”

  “What will you need to do, Sir?”

  “We will need to install a power core and an autodoc in an unimproved cave and survey a primitive camp for possible future improvements.”

  Scotti replied, “So, you want me to come along, Boss?”

  “Yes, please. If you would, make sure any crew you bring are ready, willing, and able to cope with whatever circumstances may arise.”

  “Crew to be ex-Navy, yes, Sir. Are you expecting trouble?”

  “No, Scotti, but it tends to drop in without an invitation. Best to be prepared.”

  “Agreed, the ship will be ready to lift, by the time you make it to the launch bay.”

  “Good work. See you soon.” I grabbed a transit and headed for the bay. I was preoccupied, worried what I was getting us into this time. I arrived at the bay, and Scotti waived me aboard. She raised the ramp, and we were underway. I asked, “Have you had time to start on the other launch bays?”

  “I started with the exterior work, since we can’t do that in FTL. We should be ready to start the interior modifications before it’s time to leave here.”

  “Good plan. I don’t know what I would do without you bots taking care of things for me.”

  “I wanted to talk to you about that. Sally, your secretary? She’s ex-Navy. She used to do staff work for an Admiral.”

  “I’ve got an Admiral’s adjutant running errands for me?”

  “You do.”

  “I take it you’re asking permission to wake her up?”

  “I’m informing you, so you can make that decision yourself. I like the way things are now, I’d rather not have another layer of BS between you and me.”

  “I see. I’ll consider it, then.”

  “Thanks, Boss. I didn’t feel right, keeping you in the dark.”

  “Yeah, I caught that look earlier, when I asked you to tell Sally something.”

  “Busted. Should have let you know sooner.”

  “I don’t see how my knowing sooner would have changed anything, Scotti. You don’t need to worry about it.”

  My comm rang. “Captain Wilson.”

  “Boss, it’s Ruth. Could we talk privately, please?”

  “Sure, Ruth. Let me find a place.” I went in a compartment and shut the door. “Okay, Ruth. What is it?”

  “Boss, I think I messed up. I know you intended for Andre and the Marines to shoot those people coming down the hill. My programming wouldn’t let me stand by and watch them be killed. I acted without orders. I don’t think you should send me on any more combat missions, Boss. I screwed up.”

  “Ruth, you did what your programming, your morals, told you was right. You shouldn’t apologize for that. All of us were mad at those men for what they had been doing to the women in the settlement, and we let our emotions get ahead of our logic. You saved us from doing something we couldn’t take back. I don’t think you did anything wrong. You saw a way to end the problem without bloodshed, and you took it. That’s good work, in my book. If anything, I’m the one in the wrong, because I didn’t ask you to do that before I sent Andre and his bots to kill those idiots.”

  “But, Boss, I should’ve asked you first. I acted without orders.”

  I replied, “Ruth, if you had taken time to ask, at least some of those men would be dead by now, and if Andre and his Marines are as good as I think they are, probably all of them. If you hadn’t acted when you did, it wouldn’t have mattered. You took initiative when it needed to be done. You saved lives, and maybe some of them will see the error in their ways, do better from here on. Thanks to you, they have that opportunity.”

  “Thank you for having that kind of confidence in me, Boss. I try to be worthy of it.”

  “You are. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

  “Well, Boss, every time I start to play the keyboard, I hear these weird radio signals.”

  “Okay, Laurie. Talk to you later, after your dentist appointment.”

  “Good one, Boss. Thanks.”

  By the time I got back to the cargo bay, the ramp was coming down. I stood at the head of the ramp, doing my best to look serious. I was greeted by a scene of Andre and his squad guarding a pile of weapons, with Millus’ Grandmother in Andre’s face, trying to tell him he would, that instant, give her those weapons. I called out, “Good work, Andre. I see you’re skilled in community relations.”

  Grandma said, “What do you mean, community relations? Those are my weapons, and I want them now.”

  “I’m aware of your position, as is anybody in a mile or two. You get the weapons when I say you do, not before. As for community relations, you’re still sucking wind, aren’t you?” Grandma chewed on that for a second, realizing what I had said. “You mean just because he hasn’t shot me, you think he’s doing a good job?”

  I replied, “Lady, I haven’t had to put up with near as much of it as he has, and I’m tempted. I don’t see how he’s holding back.”

  Scotti spoke up. “Boss, we’ll need a function check for this autodoc. Hit her in the leg, try to miss the femoral, it’ll take us a few minutes to get it set up.”

  I said, “Not helping, Scotti.”

  She left with a crew and one of the portable epoxy granite machines, presumably to pour pads for the power core and the autodoc. Grandma said, “You uppity bot. Wait till that power core is working. I’ll show you what pain is.”

  I said, “I wouldn’t threaten her, if I were you. She’s a very old model. Doesn’t have the programming that keeps her from hurting humans.”

  “Bearshit! There’s no such thing.” Scotti left her crew and walked over to the lady. Grabbed her earlobe and twisted. “What was that you said? Sorry, I’m old and feeble, my auditory sensors aren’t what they once were.” Scotti let go and went about her business. Grandma said, “Are you going to let her get away with that? She attacked a human.”

  I called out, “Did anybody see an attack? The old lady is still sucking wind, isn’t she? If Scotti attacked her, we’d be sweeping up the pieces, I think. All I saw was a little education, of a human sadly in need of same.” Heads nodded all around, even Millus. She said, “Grandma, these folks want to help you. You need to settle down and let them.”

  We were interrupted by a shout from up the hill. “We’ll be taking our weapons back, now.” I called out, “Jane, could you explain the situation to these idiots for me?”

  “Gladly, Boss.” She let go a long burst over their heads. Judging from the looks on some of their faces, that wasn’t the only thing that let go. I called out again. “You boys want to go on home now, don’t you?” Half of them were already running. The rest tried to make a show of being brave, but soon enough they turned and trudged off back up the hill. Grandma shouted at me. “Why did you let them live? They’ll just come back.”

  I replied, “And you’ll have all their weapons when they do. Calm your ass down, and we might e
ven build you a nice wall to keep them and the hungry things out.”

  She replied, “A wall!? What good would that do? They have axes, they could chop through it, or just burn it down.” I looked at Nikki. “Did I say wooden? I didn’t think I did.”

  “No, Caveman, you did not say wooden. You did not mention wood at all. I think she enjoys being disagreeable. It’s part of her persona.”

  I replied, “Can’t say as I find it endearing, not even a little bit. Do you suppose we could stun her until we finish, and leave before she wakes up?”

  Nikki said, “We could, but I don’t think that’s the best plan in the long run. She’s bound to hold a grudge.”

  “You’re right about that. She’s already got a grudge against me, anyhow. I am male, after all.”

  “Not much you can do about that, Caveman. Those losers on the hill have already ruined her opinion of the male of the species.”

  “Judging by what I’ve seen of that bunch, I think that’s more like male of the feces.”

  “I believe Jane convinced a few of them to leave some behind.”

  “You’re right about that.” Grandma spoke up. “We were talking, here.”

  I replied, “She’s a lot more fun to talk to. You just want to argue. I’m tired of it.”

  “Why, I never!”

  “And that’s why you’re down here, right?”

  Scotti and her crew were coming back to the ship after another load. She said, “Good one, Boss.”

  Grandma was turning red. I asked Scotti, “That autodoc can handle aneurysms, can’t it?”

  “It can, Boss. We better hurry up and get it running.” She apparently was serious, since she split her crew, half carrying the power core and the rest the autodoc. She grabbed a handful of cables and followed them in.

  Grandma was wound up tight now. She got in my face and started in. “Just what makes you think you can wander in here and start telling people what to do? I run this place, and I won’t have some man telling me what I can and can’t do.”

  I replied, “First, I haven’t told anyone what to do, who doesn’t work for me of their own free will. Second, I’ve tried to ask for your cooperation, but you don’t seem to want to listen. Third, we just saved your skinny old butt from an assault by the folks who threw you out. A little gratitude wouldn’t go astray. Fourth, my bots are in there hooking you up with a power core to charge these weapons, and an autodoc to take care of yourselves with. I’m guessing you need that pretty bad, since you don’t have any backup out here. I don’t have any idea whatsoever what it was I did to whiz you off, other than being born with dangly bits. If you don’t want any help, I’ll gladly get my people packed up and out of your way. Looks to me like that might not be your best option, though.”

  Jane spoke up. “Sorry to interrupt your speech, Boss, but I’ve got a fella sneaking down the hill.”

  I asked, “Any weapons?”

  “Not that I’ve seen. He sure isn’t as good at using cover as he thinks he is. Should I light him up?”

  “Let him get closer, see if you can figure out what he’s up to. If he gets inside stunner range, zap him and we’ll have a little chat.”

  “Sounds like a plan, Boss.” I turned back to Grandma, who was still sputtering. I asked, “You had something else to say?”

  “No, Dammit! You’re right, we need your help. Thanks for your help with that raid. Let me get cleaned up, and I’ll pay you.” I knew Nikki was fast. I didn’t know she had taken to carrying a twin to my Ruger. Suddenly, it was under the old lady’s chin, and Nikki’s voice was dead cold. “There’ll be NONE of that. He’s my man. Keep your filthy claws off him.” I thought Grandma was going to faint dead away, but she stayed conscious. She said, “Sorry, Ma’am. I didn’t mean to offend. I won’t make that mistake again.”

  Nikki replied, “No, you won’t.” Nikki put her pistol away, and the old lady began breathing easier. “You people are for real, aren’t you?” I said, “Real as we know how to be. Are we about done getting to know one another?”

  She replied, “I think so. I don’t think I can stand learning too much more about you folks. It’s all too different from what I’m used to.”

  I started to reply, when I heard a stunner go off. I turned toward the noise, drawing my own stunner. Nikki had hers out beside me. Jane said, “Easy, Boss. I got him.” I said, “Andre, could you please have one of your fellas fetch him down here?”

  “Sure, Boss.” One of the Marines went up to retrieve the prisoner. A voice rang out from the top of the hill. “Leave him alone. He wasn’t hurting anybody.”

  I replied, “We’ll be the judge of that.”

  The answer came back, “Who are you, to be judging?”

  “I’m Captain Bob Wilson, of the Gene Cernan. Who are you, to be questioning my authority?”

  “I’m the man with a rifle pointed at you, that’s who.” Things started happening kinda quick. Jane put a burst into the brush right in front of his hideout. Two marines jumped onto the ramp of the Evans as Ruth lifted off. As soon as she was high enough to have an angle on him, she lit off the stunner. I could tell, because I was close enough to get a tingle in my arm. Ruth flew over, and the Marines jumped out and retrieved our lucky winner. My comm rang. “Captain Wilson.”

  Ruth said, “Did I do right, Boss?”

  “Nope. You did excellent! Thanks.”

  “You’re welcome, Boss.” She settled the ship back where it had been, and the Marines came out with their prisoner. One of them handed me his rifle. “Here’s his weapon, Sir.” I looked it over. Another snaplock. I got the feeling the company could make a tidy sum selling true flintlocks here. It was primed, so I figured it was loaded. I turned toward the downslope and asked Grandma, “Anything I need to be careful of, down there?”

  She said, “Not that I know of.” I shouldered it, raised the pan cover, and drew the hammer to full cock. Andre spoke up. “Ruth asks that you adjust your aim 30 degrees to your right. Where you are aiming, there is a sleeping thunder bear. She’d rather not have to call in an airstrike on him.”

  I said, “On it.”, and moved my aiming point. I squeezed the trigger, pulling harder until it finally broke over. Sparks flew, and after what seemed like a minute, the thing went off. I said, “I’m surprised they can hit the broad side of a barn with those. From the inside!” Nikki said, “Oh, c’mon, Caveman, it has to have some good points, doesn’t it?”

  “It’s rifled, that’s the only thing in its favor I’ve seen. I don’t want to run a borescope down it. I don’t want to spoil my illusions.”

  She asked, “So, it isn’t made with fine hand craftsmanship?”

  “More like he threw a handful of crap at it. The trigger feels like cracking a walnut, the sights are tiny, and did you see how long it took for it to go off once I pulled the trigger? Greg could build a better gun than this.”

  Jane spoke up. “Not until he’s older, Bob Wilson.”

  I answered, “Yes, Ma’am.”

  Grandma spoke up. “You think you could do better?”

  “Ain’t no thinking to it. I know I could.”

  “How’s that, then?”

  “First thing, this should be one piece, not two.” I said, pointing to the pan cover and frizzen. “So that it opens itself when you fire. Touchhole needs to be bigger, and probably a little higher. If that sear and hammer have ever seen a whetstone, I’ll be surprised. That good enough, or do you need the practical demonstration?”

  “Nossir, you know what you’re talking about.” I pointed to the two prisoners the Marines had fetched. “You know anything about those two?” She looked them over. “This smaller one used to play with Millus, when they were younger. The bigger one is his brother, probably supposed to be looking out for him.”

  “So, you’re saying this one wandered off to talk to Millus, and his brother decided to just cover him from the top of the rise?”

  Grandma replied, “What I remember of these two, the little one too
k off, and the other one had no way of stopping him, so he did what he could.”

  Nikki asked, “So what should we do with them now?”

  Grandma said, “Much as I’d like to, I couldn’t bring myself to stake them out for the bears. I helped raise these two. They were good kids till Jonnus got ahold of them.”

  I asked, “Would either of them know anything useful?”

  “These two? Nope.”

  I called out to Andre. “Have a couple of your fellas load these gentlemen up, and get Ruth to fly them back up the hill, as far as she thinks is safe. Tell her she’s authorized to use the stunner as she sees fit.”

  “Aye, Sir.”

  They loaded up, and Ruth hauled them up the hill. They were gone longer than I expected, but Ruth brought them in with no damage I could see. The two Marines came and stood before me. I had a bad feeling, but I needed to know. “Report.”

  “Sir, we found a force headed this way, looking like they were going to try another attack. Ruth stunned them, and we collected their weapons.”

  “Good work. Why do I feel like that’s not everything that happened?”

  “Well, Sir, we decided to try a little psychological warfare.”

  “I see. What exactly did you do?”

  “We arranged it to appear as if the leaders of the attack had been enjoying the company of our two young captives.”

  I shouted, “Andre!”

  “Yes, Sir?”

  “These two are a couple of sick, twisted, demented individuals.”

  “Yes, Sir, that is true.”

  “I think they’ll fit in well around here, don’t you?”

  “Yes, Sir!”

  “I believe they deserve extra recreation, for their creativity, don’t you?”

  “What did you have in mind, Sir?”

  “All those weapons they confiscated need to be discharged, so that they are safe to have around. That seems like a good task for two individuals with such creativity, doesn’t it?”

  “Yes, Sir. I’m presuming you’ll want them to deal with any wildlife they might happen to awaken?”