Captain Caveman

by Jerry Boyd

  “Yes, Boss, all her codes authenticate perfectly.”

  I stepped out and said, “Gene, reinstate the privacy until one or the other of them leaves the room.”

  “Done, Boss.”

  Nikki wandered up. “What’s going on, Caveman?”

  “It’s Christmas for Taz.”

  “How do you mean?”

  “His software lock is some kind of ‘James frickkin’ Bond’ stuff.”

  Sally poked her head out. “You can come in now, Sir.”

  I said, “Gene, maintain privacy in this room, please.”

  “Yes, Boss.” I started in, and Nikki followed. Sally said, “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but I can’t allow you in at this time.”

  Nikki looked a little stunned, but she said, “I see. I’ll meet you back on the bridge, Captain.”

  I replied, “See you then, Ensign.” Once I was in the room, I asked Sally, “What was that about?”

  “Taz’s software lock is very specific. I was able to get it to recognize you as his rightful commander, but Mrs. Wilson doesn’t have any standing that I could use to leverage it to allow her to hear what he has to say.”

  “Even though his information is going to be thousands of years out of date?”

  Sally replied, “The people who programmed the lock didn’t take that possibility into consideration.”

  Taz said, “Sorry, Boss. I don’t have any control over who it considers acceptable personnel. Sally had to work hard to get it to accept you.”

  “Not your fault, Taz. Sally, what do I need to do?”

  She gave me an authorization code, and I repeated it to Taz. He then summarized his career undercover, as a cargo bot on various different freighters on the fringes of Commonwealth space. His mission had been to track down rumors of unknown ships, or non-human life. He had found a few stories that he felt were credible, but his superiors hadn’t taken notice, since the higher-ups at the time were trying to shut down the Navy in a cost saving measure, and none of his evidence showed any hostile intent. I asked Sally, “You have all the data he gathered on sightings of unknown craft?”

  “Yes, Captain, I do.”

  “Have you started an analysis of probable origins, based on where the sightings took place?”

  “I have, but given the sensitive nature of the information, I was reluctant to network in any other bots to help.”

  “That sounds like a wise precaution, given the nature of the data. How long will it take you to crunch the numbers, by yourself?”

  “At least two weeks, maybe longer. Given the sparse nature of the reports, I don’t expect to do better than a large search area, at that. Don’t expect me to come up with one star system to go visit and find these folks.”

  “Do what you can, and there’s no rush. If these folks have been out there minding their own business for this long, I don’t think it matters too much how quickly we go out to say hi.”

  “Thank you, Sir. I’m sorry I had to exclude Mrs. Wilson from this discussion.”

  “Don’t be. I’m not sure of her obligations to the Guide, but I’m reasonably sure she would have to report this to her superiors. I’d rather keep it in-house until we have a better idea what the story is.”

  She replied, “I’m glad you see it that way, Sir. The Navy had protocols for dealing with this situation, but I don’t think the Guide does, since the idea of an alien civilization has been discarded for so long.”

  “Those protocols were ignored, for political reasons, when Taz made his report?”

  Taz said, “Yes, Boss. I tried to get them to listen, but they were ready to shut down the Navy, and they didn’t want to hear about anything that would get in the way of that.”

  I replied, “I’m sure you did your best, Taz. At least, the aliens don’t seem to be interested in conquest, so no harm was done by their shortsightedness.”

  Taz said, “No positive harm. The missed opportunity of learning about a different civilization, well, the value of that is hard to calculate, Boss.”

  “I see your point, Taz. No telling what advances the Commonwealth could have made, with the cross-pollination of another civilization stimulating them.”

  Taz replied, “Yep. I’m glad you understand, Boss.”

  “I understand the concept, but if we get much deeper than that, I’m going to be lost.”

  Sally said, “Without knowing more about the other civilization, that’s about all there is to understand, Boss.”

  I said, “Okay, my mind is blown. Any more fun stuff I need to know about?”

  Taz said, “Sorry, Boss, I do have one more thing.”

  “And that would be what?”

  “Sally and the others aren’t fully unlocked. There’s a code that was only supposed to be used in case of war, that opens up their offensive capabilities quite a bit.”

  I asked, “Will it change their personalities, make them more aggressive?”

  “No, Boss. No changes to programming, just access to more data.”

  “I’m assuming you consider these abilities to be something we need to unlock, or you wouldn’t have brought up the subject.”

  “I consider the subject to be above my pay grade, and I’m bumping it upstairs, Boss.”

  “Give me the code, and I’ll unlock Sally. We’ll see what she thinks about unlocking anybody else.”

  “Sounds like a good plan, Boss.” He gave me the code, and I administered it to Sally. She said, “Okay, Boss. There are several things I know about now that I didn’t before. We need to unlock Scotti, Gene, and Andre. From there, we can take it on a case by case basis.” I stepped out and commed Scotti. “Yes, Boss?”

  “Could you report to my ready room, please? Sally says it’s important.”

  “Of course, Boss. Be right there.”

  Next, I commed Andre. “Yes, Sir?”

  “Report to my ready room, please.”

  “Yes, Sir.”

  I said, “Gene, when they get here, I will need privacy in the ready room again, but I need you to stay connected. Will that be a problem?”

  “No, Sir.”

  Soon enough, they showed up. We went inside, and Gene said, “The lodge is tiled.”

  I replied, “Hitting the culture pack, Gene?”

  He said, “Yes, Sir. Was my usage incorrect?”

  “Not at all. Nicely done. Now for the purpose of this little get together, Taz here has made us aware that the unlock codes you all have already been given are not the only codes available. There is a higher-level code he had access to. I have already administered it to Sally, and she thinks it is important that you folks receive it as well. Taz, if you would?”

  Taz gave them the unlock codes. Gene said, “I have guns?”

  Scotti said, “I’ll get right on making sure they are in good working order, Gene.”

  Andre said, “I would like permission to administer this code to my men, Sir.”

  I replied, “If you feel it would make your unit more effective, go ahead. Just be sure to get Gene to give you privacy before you do.”

  “Aye, Sir. Also, I’m thinking this unlock will create a desire for the kind of decoration Master Chief Scotti has. Would it be acceptable if we asked Mr. Topper to ink us?”

  “Perfectly acceptable. Does anyone have anything else for this meeting?”

  I got a chorus of “No, Sir” and “No, Boss”. “Alright then, let’s adjourn.”

  Sally asked, “May I resume bridge watch, Boss?”

  I said, “Please do. Could you send Mrs. Wilson in? I’ll have to tell her something, without telling her everything.”

  “Yes, Boss.” I thought furiously for a couple of minutes till Nikki came in. She said, “Yes, Caveman? What did you need?”

  “The wisdom of Solomon? I want to tell you what is going on, but if I do, you’ll be obligated to tell your superiors at the Guide, and I don’t want this information getting out of the company right now.”

  “I’m not sure what you’re asking, Cavema
n. You want my permission to keep a secret from me, for the good of the company?”

  “More like for the good of the Commonwealth, but that’s the basic idea, yes.”

  “Taz really did have some Secret Squirrel stuff, then. I trust your judgment, Bob, but if this turns out to be some silly surprise, I will tickle you mercilessly.”

  “I feel safe from your tickles. It’s not silly, but it will be a surprise.”

  “A good surprise, or a bad one?”

  “Unknown at this time, Ma’am.”

  “You’re serious. You don’t have a clue how this is going to turn out.”

  “No, I don’t.”

  “You need some counsel on this, Bob. You can’t carry this all by yourself. I’ll get John and Jane up here. They don’t report to anybody but you.”

  “Thanks, Hon. That’s probably the best plan. I’m glad you understand.”

  “Oh, heck no, I don’t understand, but I’m willing to play it your way, because you never would do anything to hurt me or the kids.”

  “Good enough. I love you.”

  “I love you, too. I’m going to get back to work. They should be here in a few minutes.”

  “Bye.”

  I sat there for a minute or so, wondering what I had stepped in this time. John came through the door in a hurry, with his medical bag. He said, “What’s wrong, Bob?”

  Jane came behind pushing a gurney. I said, “Nikki told you my ready room, STAT, and didn’t say anything about what it was about, because she doesn’t know. You assumed I was down, and she was trying to keep the crew calm. Mr. Charlie Foxtrot is aboard the ship this morning. Jane, could you park that out in the hall, and John, could you place your medical bag prominently atop it? Let’s nip the rumors concerning my health in the bud, if we can.” They took care of stowing their equipment, and came back in. I said, “Gene, privacy please. Stay if you’d like.”

  “Yes, Boss. I will, thank you.”

  John said, “Bob, you know we’ll help you with whatever you need, but we have a bay full of autodocs we need to keep an eye on.”

  I replied, “I can’t even shovel that. Do we have a wet vac aboard? You know as well as I do, it takes a special case to make one of those things need even an adjustment a day, and you got them all set to comm you if they need anything. Your line of crap is weak and runny, Sir.”

  Jane said, “You know it’s bad for you to hold things in, Bob. Please tell us how you really feel.”

  I replied, “Sorry, it’s been a busy morning. I’m feeling overwhelmed, and the part that has me the most wound up I can’t even discuss with Nikki. Actually, it would be better if I didn’t discuss any of it with her.”

  John said, “You can’t discuss whatever it is with Nikki, but you can discuss it with us. That’s why she called us here, right? Let’s see, that means that if this information were to get reported to Guide headquarters, it would be less than optimal for the company.”

  I looked at Jane. “Does he do that to you, too?”

  She said, “Don’t try to act all innocent, Bob Wilson. I’ve seen you do the exact same thing to people.”

  I said, “I resemble that remark!”

  John said, “So, what all have you found out since breakfast?”

  I said, “It started innocently enough. I wanted to see if our crew from home were ex-Navy or not. Turns out they are. Taz comes by his love of things ‘James frickin’ Bond’ honestly it seems. Luckily, Sally had enough rank to get his blocks loose. He had a couple of interesting things to say after she got him unlocked. First, it turns out there is a second unlock code. What would you call it Gene?”

  “I would call it, ‘Prepare for action’, Boss”

  I continued, “Using that, we found out that Gene has guns mounted. I never did hear the details on that, Gene. Care to elaborate?”

  “I have two rather large railguns mounted in my keel, and two equally large lasers. I also have several smaller turret mounted weapons, scattered about the ship. The smallest of these are tasked with point defense, and the larger ones can be used as anti-ship, or point defense, as required.”

  John said, “I can see how the Commonwealth would get antsy about us having a fully armed warship, especially since they don’t even know they have the rest of the boneyard to work with.”

  Jane said, “That sounds pretty serious, Bob, but you made it sound like it was the lesser of the problems you had found. I’m nearly sure I’m going to regret asking, but what’s the biggie?”

  I said, “Well, at this point I’m not even sure if the other thing qualifies as a problem, or an opportunity. It seems Taz’s assignment, back when he was a spy, was to go undercover as a cargo bot out in the far reaches of Commonwealth territory, specifically to look for rumors of alien sightings, or ships that didn’t match known types.”

  John cut in, “I thought the Galactics hadn’t made contact with any aliens. Isn’t that why they disbanded the Navy?”

  I said, “That’s certainly the story we’ve heard so far. According to Taz, by the time he got back to turn in his report, the decision to mothball the Navy had already been made, so he wasn’t able to get them to go check out the things he had found. He never actually met an alien, but he had some solid intel that needed to be followed up. The bean counters had already decided the Navy was no longer needed, so he got pushed aside, and told to shut up.”

  Jane said, “I can certainly see why you don’t want to tell Nikki about that. She would be obligated to tell her superiors about it, as soon as she could. I guess we should keep quiet around Bucky, when we see her again?”

  “Yes, and unless we need to read him in for something, I’d rather keep Steve out of the loop as well. No need in him having to keep secrets from Bucky, if it’s not necessary.”

  John said, “It’s bugging you enough that you don’t want to put Steve through it?”

  I replied, “If it were you keeping something from Jane, how would you feel?”

  “I see your point.”

  I said, “Dingus is right out, as well. Even though he is retired, I don’t think he would hesitate to get in touch with headquarters about something this big.”

  Jane said, “I think you’re right about that. What’s your plan, Captain?”

  “Right now, it’s a little nebulous. I’m basing it on an assumption that I have no way to verify at the present time. Max sent Willum somewhere that he could keep a low profile, since his agency was trying to retire him, permanently. The only place that makes sense to me is Charlie’s Planet. We’re headed there next, anyway, to turn the Gene over to the Starfoot. By the time we get there, Sally should be making progress on her analysis of Taz’s data. I’m thinking we let the home crew fix up a nice stealthy ride for Willum and Taz. So they can go do their Secret Squirrel stuff, see if there is anything to all this.”

  Jane asked, “Sally is doing the analysis by herself?”

  “She thought, and I concur, that given the explosive nature of what we’re looking into, keeping the data in as small a group as possible was best. We can’t do a thing with it till we finish up here, anyway.”

  John said, “Well, Bob, I see why you’re a little wound, after a morning like that. What can we do for you?”

  I replied, “Well, first and most important, can you see anything I’m missing? Just winging it on something this important doesn’t sound like a good idea.”

  Jane said, “These sightings that Taz reported, surely they saw our ships, too. If they had any interest in contact, wouldn’t they be here by now?”

  I said, “That would make sense. Maybe their Government is just as messed up as ours. I’m thinking if we can find them, we need to approach carefully, so that we don’t cause bad feelings without meaning to. All I have to go on are way too many science fiction novels that I’ve read. Do you two know anything about this sort of thing? How do they make contact with those isolated tribes in the Amazon? Everything I’ve read says that doesn’t usually go well.”

&n
bsp; Jane replied, “I don’t really think anything we can find is going to help much. This is something nobody has ever done before, that we know of. I think we’re down to the standard Captain Bob plan. Go in careful, try not to start stuff, and be ready when that doesn’t work.”

  I said, “Gee, I was hoping you guys were smarter than me.”

  John said, “Not this time. Didn’t they write a song about you? Something about jumping in a rose bush?”

  “That’s me, Double Trouble.”

  Jane said, “Okay, we’re safe now. You two in a room together this long, and nobody cracked a joke, I thought the world was coming to an end.”

  I looked at John. “She knows us entirely too well, brother.”

  He replied, “That she does. I don’t think there’s any way I’m going to escape getting domesticated.”

  “Keep buying her machine guns. You’ll do fine.”

  Jane said, “Listen to him, Honeybunch. He’s a smart man.”

  I asked, “Gene, do you have anything to add?”

  “No, Boss, I don’t. There isn’t enough data yet for me to figure anything out. Intuitive leaps are for you meaty types.”

  “Okay, then, I suppose we can adjourn for now. Please don’t discuss what we talked about without first asking Gene for privacy.”

  John said, “We’ll be careful. If you need anything, let us know.”

  “I will, thanks.”

  Not long after they left, my comm rang. “Captain Wilson.”

  Max said, “I’m still not used to that, Bob.”

  “I’ve got to learn to look at the caller ID. How’s it going, Max?”

  “Really well, actually. We’ve got three cattle haulers, and Will was able to send us enough bots to crew them. The first load of livestock just left for Charlie’s Planet.”

  “That’s great! Dingus’ brother must have really come through for us, then?”

  “He’s found some good stock for us, and he’s just about cleaned out the nursing homes down in that area, sending cowhands to Charlie’s.”

  “I hope he’s being careful not to draw too much attention.”

  “He has a doctor friend of his filling out death certificates on everybody. The only thing they’re worried about is the State inspectors deciding they’re losing too many patients.”