After Ashley was notified and we solidified the date, I was ready to start the hustle. Not even one single thought about Ruffian and his stupid cut jaw and hint of a dimple. Not one.
Chapter 18
RUFFIAN
I HAD TO convince Pixie that I would be fine, that the public transportation was fine and safe. And that I was used to using it all the time. I left out the bit about how I would vault the rotating bar that counted the passengers. She didn’t need to know that.
Finally, she and Gaze were in the car getting smaller and smaller as it drove away. This was the spot. And this was the time, the third Sunday of every month, to go over the jobs we had, who needed what, and if there was any justice to dole out.
They had a reputation, my crew from home. They weren’t a gang, but they weren’t good either. Right in that murky spot in the middle—that’s where my guys lived.
After I broke into the abandoned warehouse down on the dock using my arrow tool from my mom, I left the door unlocked. It was only about ten minutes before I started to have company.
The crew trickled in. Three guys and a girl. All were under eighteen.
“’Sup.” Beaver tilted his head in my direction.
This was the problem with secret plans. No one knew what was happening. So to them, I looked like a dick that abandoned the community. I could tell he was tense from the way he ground his teeth.
“’Sup.” I needed these guys to help. Because after I robbed the bank, I needed trustworthy people to distribute the money depending on when I went to jail.
“Why the meeting? We thought you forgot about us until Lucas let us know you’d been around.”
Lucas had passed the information to the crew for me.
“Got him set up all sweet somehow. You getting ritzy on us?” Jen looked hurt as well. I’d been training her on breaking locks. The fact she was close but hadn’t quite caught on yet came rushing back to me.
“I knew someone who had an in. Lucas wasn’t gonna be able to stay with Grandma/Mom anymore ‘cause of his age. You all know that.” I was kicking back at the attitude a little. They were allowed to be hurt, but they were not allowed to give me the fucking business. They had no idea that my absence would hopefully get them all a ritzy deal, too.
Jen shuffled her feet and stuck her hands into her pockets. “Yeah. It’s cool for him.”
She was also good friends with Lucas, so I was betting she was missing him.
“You know you can visit him? That’d be okay?” I went to a beat-up wooden box and sat on it, trying to show the crew that it was just a regular get-together, not a confrontation.
She shook her head slowly. “You know I look my age. They’re mandated reporters. They will call CPS on my ass. Then where will I be?”
Foster home. And not necessarily a good one.
“Sorry.” I’d forgotten. I was missing steps here. That would disappoint my mother. She always told me to think of every ripple of an action when doing something big. I associated it with stealing stuff—of obtaining goods, as she preferred to call it. But it would have done me some good here. Seasons was perfect for Lucas and Grandma/Mom. I think my decision would have been the same, but one of the ripples was Jen. And I hadn’t even considered her.
She nodded at my apology and I wanted to punch myself in the heart. So quick to forgive and understand.
“So where’s camp?” I tried to let them know I was still thinking about them.
“Benny is letting us stay out back for now. Not everyone, but a lot.” Rufus shrugged.
Benny owned a pub downtown that had an extra parking lot. He was a good dude. He would bring food out every night and made sure to have an outdoor heater in the cold months. Inevitably, someone would complain about our tents and makeshift homes, and it would be on to the next situation.
“Conner kids going to school?” They would try every way to stay off the school bus. Mom and I would make sure someone was there to walk them in the morning. Their mother was not always fit to manage them. Takes a village and all that. She seemed like she was using again before my mom died.
Rufus rubbed his ear. “The two older ones won’t go. Sandy isn’t going to Oak Street as much anymore.”
Oak Street was where you went to get what you needed. Well, get illegal things you needed. I wasn’t a fan. I watched what trips to Oak Street did to people. Catching Sandy enough times tripping balls outside her tent, caught between standing and sleeping, was a great advertisement for how much the place sucked.
“When are you coming back?” Jen had the hopeful eyes again.
“I’m in a foster home to finish school.” I watched to see how they would take the news.
“Now? With as old as you are? What are you trying to prove?” Rufus was angry. It made sense. I was pretty much the ringleader of the teens and tweens that helped tent city get influxes of desperately needed clothes, food, and prescriptions.
“I’ll be eighteen in less than a year. I want to make my mom proud.” I bit the inside of my cheek. This wasn’t the crew I needed. Mom’s death had given me her eyes a little—I think. Instead of seeing accomplices, I could only see how young and lost they looked. These guys would follow me off a cliff if I asked. And all at one, I didn’t want to ask anymore. “You have any leads on any shipments?”
Jen shook her head. “It’s all dried up. But Benny’s got good food, so we’ve got some time.”
I stood up, my meeting coming to a close way faster than intended. “You guys pass me info through Lucas. I’ll be checking up on him at Seasons ’cause they have a phone now.”
“Wait, that’s it? I thought you had some good news or something?” Rufus frowned at me.
“The good news is that you’re at Benny’s and Lucas and Grandma/Mom are together. Your marching orders are to get the Conner kids to school. All of them. Tell them I’ll come back and kick their asses if they don’t.” I pointed my finger.
Jen adjusted her backpack. “So we just go back and wait? Tell us when you’re coming home.”
Home. Everything the word stood for crumpled in my skull, turning to dust.
“I promised my mom a few things. I have to clean that up. That’s on me. And I need this foster home as an alibi.” That was all I was willing to say. For me to pull this off, I’d have to get the money to them somehow and keep our connection to a minimum. I didn’t want any blowback on the community. Just me. The bad egg, the rotten apple fucking up so hard he’d go to prison for life. I was expecting it. I wasn’t looking forward to it, but if I was able to really help everyone like I was planning, it’d be worth it. I would keep the thoughts of them succeeding in my soul.
So to accomplish all that, I had to let them down and push them away.
I walked to the door and they trailed behind me. “You got money to get back?” I went for my pocket.
Rufus rolled his eyes. “We don’t pay for the train.”
Of course they didn’t. Mom had taught me how to avoid getting caught pinching a ride and I had taught each person here how to do it.
“All right, I’ll be in touch.” I slapped Rufus on the back and fist-bumped Jen. I walked the opposite direction than the train station. I had one more thing to do.
My sneakers crunched the small pebbles on the sidewalk as I made my way to the historic district.
POUGHKEEPSIE BANK AND TRUST
It was one of the oldest buildings in town. I dug my hands in my pockets, rocking back on my heels. The thundering realization that I had overshot hit me hard. My crew was not ready for this. I was not ready for this. To rob a bank I would need to rope in more and more people—which in turn put them at risk for being arrested, shot, or worse.
Robbing a bank was not the answer. I wasn’t sure where to put my disappointment. Quitting on this plan seemed disrespectful to my mom’s memory. Her legacy. If I couldn’t do this, I was just an asshole who ran away from his responsibilities.
I needed time, experience, and a lot more capital to rob a
bank. My hands wrapped around the almost empty box of cigarettes in my pocket. I had my lighter in the other one.
I lit the last, slightly banged up one with the last flicker of my lighter before it ran out of gas.
Everything was quitting on me. Running out of hope, gas, and dreams.
I wasn’t sure what to do next. I finished my cigarette and then tossed the box and the lighter into the trash can on the sidewalk. I needed a sign. I needed a new plan. Or I had to go back to the community and at least provide for them as best I could until I was caught stealing from businesses to give to the poor. I headed back to the train station on foot. Back to the cushy life and the pretty girl I shouldn’t be looking forward to. I felt guilty about it all.
_______________
MY AFTERNOON WAS mostly walking. Luckily, it was sunny and the wind had died down, so I wasn’t too cold. I walked from the train station to the Burathons’ house. It was empty when I arrived, so I walked Rocket and petted Tiger, the very indoor cat, for a few before getting in a shower and a nap. On the bed. Completely cementing my guilt with a soft, safe, warm place to sleep. When I woke up, it was dark. Too dark. I checked the clock on my phone to see it was already time for a sneaky kitchen treat. I pushed off the bed. My door had a Post-it note on it from Ronna, alerting me to a dinner plate in the fridge waiting for me if I was hungry. Such opulence. I slipped upstairs to find that Teddi was already in the kitchen, one hand in the freezer. She was a few minutes early for her two a.m. treat.
She pointed at me with the pinkie on the hand holding the freezer open.
I gave her a thumbs-up. She closed the door with two white wrapped ice creams in her hand.
I took mine from her, getting in her space to do so. With her looking up at me, I felt the energy running through my chest, pulling me closer to her. Her lips were so inviting and the fact that she was holding her breath made me think she was hopeful. Hopeful for a kiss. After enjoying the build between us, I sidestepped her and went to the back door.
“Wanna see the stars?” I whispered.
She shook her head as if to clear it and walked out the door I held open for her. On the porch, we each chose a patio chair. They were covered for winter with a sprinkle of dried leaves on top but still comfortable to sit on. The pool had a cover on it with a giant bubble in the middle. Just beyond I could see the basketball hoops set up. I could almost hear the echo of the ball Gaze must have dropped a million times in the same place.
I unwrapped my Fudgsicle and handed it to her, snagging her unopened one in return.
Her lips twitched a little, and then she murmured, “Thanks.”
“The stars are crap tonight.” I pointed at the sky that was blanketed in solar obscuring layers of clouds.
“Yeah. Today is not the day to find the constellations or anything. Where’d you go today?”
She turned toward me with her big, deep eyes.
I squirmed mentally for a minute. I wasn’t sure why it was so hard to lie to Teddi, but the normal responses—whether they were wise-ass or just straight fibs—felt like my brain was actively rejecting them as a choice.
“I wanted to check in with some members of my old community. See to it that Lucas hasn’t had any repercussions from the Cokes.” I started my treat right in the middle. The good news was it was so cold that we didn’t have to eat it quickly.
“Was he okay? The Cokes? They were the gang members that were beating you guys up?”
I got a sense she was testing me.
“Yeah. Red bandanas down there mean the Cokes. They have a better guy running the crew now, but they still have a rough bunch. Usually guys either try to help Lucas or just leave him alone.” I took a chomping bite from the top of my ice cream and was immediately hit with brain freeze.
“Put your tongue on the roof of your mouth—hard!” She flailed her hands around like a bird that just hit a window.
I did what she said, and sure enough, my headache dissipated immediately. “Oh, that works. Are you like a witch or something?” I turned my head so I could look straight at her.
She shrugged while watching me carefully. “Back when I was on cheer, we’d get ice treats sometimes. And without fail a few of us always bit into it and froze the hell out of our heads. It’s happened so often we had to research a trick. And we found that one.” She took a bite just like I had and then made a show of putting her tongue on the roof of her mouth. “See?”
“They should print that on the ice cream bars instead of the expiration date. It would be more useful.”
“I know you have a meeting tomorrow. A video one. Emergency with Gaze’s old social worker.” She wrinkled her nose and gave me a few peeks.
“You look like you weren’t supposed to tell me that.” I took a slower bite.
“Well, you have some choices to make and I wanted you to hear them from an official source, but now I kinda wanna tell you.” She took her bite and sat back a bit.
“Go ahead. We’re related now, right?” I winked at her. I did not feel related at all. The way her shoulders sloped and her feet crossed at the ankles made me wish she was using me as patio furniture instead.
“Ew. And I guess. I mean, they said that if you want you could stay with the homeschooling, or you could return to school for the end of the year. Do you know how your grades are?” She licked the side of her pop. Her fingers were getting whiter, colder.
I barked out a laugh. “Sweetheart, I don’t even have a birth certificate.”
I watched her eyes go wide. “Wow. I didn’t even know that was an option.”
“It’s when your mom DIY’s a water birth in a lake because she doesn’t have insurance to pay for a baby to be born with all the bells and whistles.” I took a bite. My birthday was in September, so the water had a considerable chill. Mom would weave spectacular tales about how I belonged to the forest and stuff. She wasn’t wrong, I did feel at peace surrounded by trees, but I blamed that mostly on the fact that we spent years camping in them.
“I’m sorry.” She looked genuinely empathetic.
“Don’t be. Mom was a free spirit. She liked to do things differently. I mean, check out my name.” Another wink at her, a lip curl thrown in. I had to keep her in this mood, and not let her bring out the sadness in me. It was layered underneath the thin surface of bravado. I had my purpose. I needed to stay the course.
“So did you get vaccinations and stuff?” She moved her hair behind her shoulder with one hand.
“I did. I’m not completely Tarzan.” Her searching eyes made me dig a little deeper. “We got into a good situation with a shelter for a while, and I needed all the shots to stay. They didn’t want any diseased urchins fucking up the place, you know?”
She set her popsicle stick down and got out of her chair. She sat on the edge of mine, by my legs. She put her cold hand on my knee. Teddi didn’t say anything. But her eyes. Dammit. It wasn’t pity. It was empathy again. Maybe that was harder. The look punched at that thin barrier I had. I dropped my gaze to my lap, breaking the moment.
“So what do you think I should do? Homeschool or regular school?” Switch the topic. Push forward.
Teddi moved her hand from my knee to her own. “Well, do you think you’ll pass the test? That’s what I overheard. You have to take one.”
I scratched my head. “I’ll manage.”
Teddi nodded before getting up and picking up her treat. She pulled off a few bits of leaves before she finished it. I didn’t know why it made me so happy to see that she would do that. Like maybe she wasn’t the princess her surroundings suggested after all.
TEDDI
WHEN WE WERE done eating, the clouds had moved enough that we could see patches of stars. It was cold, and by all accounts, we should have been headed inside. I was picturing what it was like for his mom. I had to. It was how my imagination and processing worked. Not having the funds to decide where you had your kid. Not having a birth certificate. I got it. I mean, I didn’t have insurance worries, bu
t in the time I’d been doing the Me Parties, I knew that insurance became like a god when people were sick. The approval could change the course of treatment for someone in need. We’d had plenty of fundraisers, but it never seemed like enough. It enraged me to help a family pay off one bill just to see them incur another before they’d even made a payment online.
Then I thought about Lucas and his needs. Ruffian had mentioned he was twenty, so he’d made it through.
Ruffian had talked fondly about his mom without fail. I didn’t get any anger from him toward her at all. But he was hiding something. The winks and the little smirks, they seemed like they were for everyone else.
“You cold? We can head in.” He stood and held out his hand. I didn’t need it to get out of a patio chair, but I took it anyway. The momentum made me put my hand on his chest to steady myself.
We looked at each other before he added, “I can give you my shirt, if you need it.”
“And then you’d be out here freezing.” He was still holding my hand and I hadn’t moved either.
“If you needed it, I’d be fine.” It was so cold his breath turned into a little cloud that wrapped around my face before dissipating. No wink this time.
I took a deep breath, and when I exhaled, it wound around him like a scarf. He was too much. I felt my heartbeat slowing down and the need to go to my toes to kiss him surge through me. I had to concentrate to stay flat-footed.
He licked his lips. “Let’s head inside.”
Breaking this. Breaking whatever it was. I nodded and led the way. Having him let go of my hand almost felt like pain.
Ruffian was a problem. I was a problem. Ruffian and I together was some kind of magic that I didn’t understand.
Chapter 19
TEDDI
I HAD A Zoom chat with the cheer team in the afternoon, so I set it up at my desk. First, we discussed the practice schedule, which for the end of the fall was twice a week practice and games. At the end, Peaches, the captain, turned the meeting over to me. I shared the Google slideshow and laid out the Me Party plans for the holidays. I had sign-ups and the girls divided up to conquer. We had to send messages to all the teams. Some girls gravitated to the guys they hung out with or dated. I had a few girls with sisters on the other teams, so the hope was that the sign-ups would fill up. I set a mass meeting at my house in a few weeks for all the volunteers to give them their final volunteer schedules. When I finally clicked off, I had three more documents and a few extra sheets. It took me a few hours to color-coordinate and add everything to the calendar. I had a few of my heavy hitters to request donations from. The boys soccer team was very interested in the Christmas tree drive for presents. I made it into a competition between the teams. Just a small way to do a little more for people. I sat back in my chair and stretched my hands above my head.
Swimming in Sparkles Page 10