Swimming in Sparkles

by Debra Anastasia

  “We will. That’s a good thing.” I slipped back to my side of the truck, and after we were back on the road, Ruffian and I held hands any time a stretch of road allowed it.

  I was so focused on Betty’s big night and the minutiae that it entailed, that I wasn’t on Instagram nearly as much. I missed Meg announcing they were back from the annual trip to Vail. I missed the thirst traps she put up and tagged with Ruffian’s name. He didn’t have social media, so he missed it, too. We were in a bubble. A busy bubble. A two a.m. Fudgsicle routine. Chocolatey, ice-cold kisses and getting to feel each other.

  But Saturday morning, when I woke up with a list that went on for three phone screens, I had a notification that Ruffian had left the house at four-thirty a.m. on our family tracking app. And then when I clicked through the notification, his phone was marked as off.

  I had a sinking feeling about it all. It couldn’t be that Ruffian was playing me just so he could have something or someone to do while Meg was out of town.

  It couldn’t be. Not for a second. He held me when I cried. We were inseparable. He was the prince for Betty, right? Right?

  Chapter 41

  RUFFIAN

  I HATED THROWING my phone into the river after ripping out the SIM card, but I needed to be sure I couldn’t be tracked. Meg was back. My time had come, and I had to say I was waffling on it. On the strong resolve I had to wait for my fate to find me had wavered.

  So here I was with my brother’s truck, in an outfit I had pulled on in haste after Meg had texted me.

  You were in my house?

  I knew it wasn’t perfect. I was thrilled that the money had had time to dissipate into the community. I didn’t want them to have to face the investigation that might follow.

  And I knew I had to come to terms with what I had done. I pulled out my arrow lock pick. I wanted it to be a legacy. And now it felt like I might be turning my back on the actual legacy I could have had with Teddi. We matched. We matched in what had made us tick. I’d watched her break down, sad, and then come back even more determined to do good things.

  I threaded my fingers behind my neck and leaned over, shouting. What if all I had planned was the worst way ever to remember my mother?

  I felt lost in the woods, and that had never happened before.

  TEDDI

  I’D COME TO rely on Ruffian so quickly that his absence was a real problem. I checked his room for a note or something, and there was nothing lying out.

  His Flynn Rider costume was in Gaze’s truck, and Ruffian had taken that so I had to come up with a new prince. I really only had one choice.

  “Teddi Bear.” It was Gaze on the other end. I patched in a call to Austin. Both sounded tired, but a bit concerned.

  “I need a stand-in for Ruffian. I think he went somewhere.”

  “He went somewhere. What do you mean?” I hit FaceTime, and soon I was looking at both my brothers. I flipped the camera around. “See? Gone.”

  And then I marched them upstairs and pointed the camera at the driveway. “One of you needs to be my prince. And I think Gaze fits the bill the most, but I need someone to go looking for Ruffian to make sure he is okay. And I have a little girl with her heart set on going to a real high school dance tonight. And her sister to grant this wish for.”

  I sounded a little hysterical, which wasn’t like me on go days. I kept calm. If I didn’t stay organized and on my game, things would go haywire.

  “Hey. Okay. We’re in. What do we need to do?” Pixie was holding Gaze’s phone while he stood up and put a shirt on.

  I heard the gravel kicking up in the driveway and recognized Ruffian’s truck. “Wait, wait. I’m sorry. He’s here now. Oh… He went out to get doughnuts and coffee.”

  I heard Austin pipe in, “What you drink isn’t coffee.”

  “Okay. It’s okay. I’ll see you guys later then. Love you.” I hung up on them.

  Ruffian held out a bag and a to-go container with four coffees in it.

  He held them out to me, but I saw it in his eyes and I wasn’t wrong to panic. Something was up.

  “What happened?” I was very still.

  “I made some mistakes. If we’re lucky, we get today.” He shrugged.

  “Thanks for coming back.” I wasn’t going to pretend he’d left for the treats he was holding. We both knew it was not the truth. “You can tell me whatever it is. We can handle it together.”

  He slowly shook his head. “Too late. But let’s have today.” My dad opened the garage and seemed surprised to see Ruffian and me out front.

  “Oh. Coffee!” He came trotting over with a huge smile.

  “This one’s yours, sir.” Ruffian gestured to the coffee that was marked with a M.

  “Thanks so much. Big day, huh?” Dad took a large gulp.

  Ruffian smiled at me. “The biggest.”

  “Well, I have to do some mulching. You guys have stuff to do?” Dad was sticking his AirPods in, so I just gave him a thumbs-up.

  Ruffian looked at me. “I know we have a lot going on today, but I was wondering if we could go for a short ride.”

  I wrapped my arms around my body. “Yeah, if we’re back before lunch.”

  I felt like we were both on a tightrope, inching toward something.

  “Cool. You’re going to have to put some warm clothes on.” His stare dropped to my feet and back again.

  “Okay, give me a few minutes.” I wanted him in the house, and this time I held the door for him so he could walk through with his arms full.

  We both went upstairs, and I turned to go to my room. I ran through a quick shower and put on jeans, a t-shirt, and a sweatshirt. By the time I got back downstairs, Mom and Ruffian were laughing.

  I came forward and took my coffee. It was cold, but I drank it anyway. There was an urgency about Ruffian, and I wanted to find out what it was.

  “Ready?” I snagged a strawberry doughnut.

  “Yeah.” He stood up and thanked my mom. He didn’t say what for and I saw a look of puzzlement cross her face.

  When we both had shoes on, we left. He was driving again. And then we had the space to talk.

  “Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” I turned in my seat to face him.

  “No, I’m not going to. And if that’s not cool with you, and I totally get that—by the way—then we should head back home.” He glanced at me a few times.

  “Okay, I’ll roll with you on this.’’ I was instantly grateful that I’d made that decision because his face seemed relieved of a deep burden.

  “Oh, thank God.”

  We drove for a few more miles before he turned off the road. When the truck was out of view of any passersby, he threw it into park and motioned outside with his hands.

  “You up for a walk?”

  I could see that there were footprints in the snow already. “You’ve been here today?”

  “It’s what I was doing.” He opened the door and came around to my side, meeting me when my feet hit the ground.

  “Okay.” I took my phone and my gloves and then he closed the door behind me.

  “You lead the way.” I waited for him to come to my side, threading my arm through his. We ducked under the bough of an evergreen. A few more steps and we were in the quiet magic of the woods. It was crazy how insulated a cold landscape could seem. It was like the snow swallowed our secrets and offered up only glistening sparkles as the sun splayed on the surface.

  We ducked under. We stepped over. He helped me over a large fallen tree that I could have done on my own, but I wanted his hands on my body.

  When we finally made it to his destination, which instantly became my destination, it was a white plain white tent in the woods. He had some battery-powered fairy lights tossed in the surrounding trees. Not a lot. Just enough. He left my side to light a group of candles.

  “Are those from the living room?” I recognized Mom’s favorite vanilla ones.

  He put his index finger to his lips. Then he crawled into t
he tent. Inside were all the comforters from his bed and the closet in his room.

  “What’s this?” I ducked inside.

  He held out an arm. “Just for us. For the quiet.”

  I slipped off my boots and curled up next to him. He opened his jacket so I could snuggle as close as possible.

  Through the tent flap, the view was framed with just the edge of the lights and the flicker of the candles. There was a little heater in the corner. Our heater from my Girl Scout years.

  “You put a lot of thought into this.” I turned and faced him. His walls were down, even though I didn’t know what they actually consisted of.

  “I just wanted you to see things my way for a little. Get to know me.”

  “We’ve been living together for months,” I reminded him of the obvious.

  “We’ve been living in your house for months. I just wanted to spend a few hours in my place.” He wrapped both arms around me and I nuzzled into his neck.

  “I can manage that.” And then I waited for him to make a move. This was why we were here, I assumed. But he was just still. His eyes fixed on the view.

  “If we’re super still, we might see some friends.” He was whispering now, taking long, deep breaths.

  I was amused for a few beats, and maybe a little frustrated because I knew what my body felt for his body, but then I tried to mimic his breathing. His zen.

  And when I focused where he was focused, I saw that he was right. Soon, little brown birds were hopping around. I noted I wasn’t the only one he’d prepared for. They had a scattering of seed. More and more came, brazen once they were in a group. Then just beyond the bird show, a deer hesitantly stepped in the distance. It was far enough away that she must have felt safe. Then I noticed some corn ears hanging from a tree like Christmas decorations.

  “Okay. I kind of cheated.” His lips brushed against my cheek as he confessed.

  I watched as the deer’s ear twitched in our direction, but she still picked at the corn. And then there was another deer.

  “This is awesome,” I whispered back.

  It was like that for a while. We had our own nature show, and it felt like magic to be allowed to see it.

  Finally, I turned to him. “Who are you?”

  He took a deep breath. “Just a guy trying to get it right. And failing. Failing to feel brave. Wondering what that’s going to take.”

  “I feel like this is more than about camping in the woods.” I put my hand in his. His thumb rubbed a circle. “You still won’t tell me what this is about?” I leaned forward a little so I could see into his eyes. They were limitless now that he was letting me in. A galaxy of blue and green.

  “I can’t. But this is about goodbye, if that makes sense.” He put my hand on his chest. I could feel his heart thumping. It made my eyes fill up a little.

  He was so serious. So sure. And ready to say goodbye. I wanted to yell that this was a hell of a mixed message, but my heart stopped me.

  “It doesn’t, but I respect your need to keep it private. Whatever it is, I hope it doesn’t hurt you. Or anyone.” He dropped his hand, but I left mine where it was.

  “I’m just afraid it’s going to hurt you, and that’s the last thing I want.” He focused on the view again, not on me. I rose to my knees and shifted until I was in front of him.

  “Let me worry about me. And let me worry about you, too. I can multitask like a boss.” And then I leaned forward and kissed him.

  Chapter 42

  RUFFIAN

  COULD YOU WISH someone into being your first? Even if you had been with other people? Can a person rip away all those memories and install new ones? Better ones? The best ones?

  She could. She was wearing a white sweatshirt, and she matched my perfect view of heaven. And she wanted me. Like this. In the woods, alone.

  She was carving herself into my mind as she then lifted off her sweatshirt followed by her t-shirt. Her white bra highlighted how fragile her skin was. The lace a hint at the beautiful that she was.

  And she was kissing me.

  Zap.

  She could make electricity in the wilderness, and she did. She pushed past the invisible sadness that was going to find me. I’d have to pay for the crime I had done. And in my head it had been easier to imagine how brave I would be. I would be Robin Hood. Flawless. I’d take my punishment like a man.

  Not like a guy that snuck the girl of his dreams to the woods in the hopes that she would do this exact thing. Lose herself in me. Make me forget that I wasn’t starting forever but closing the drawbridge to it.

  And then I couldn’t think. Her hips were at my fingertips and she was sighing into my lips like she had dreamed of doing that exact thing all day. All week. Every night.

  I had to feel. I was going to need this memory to get through years of prison.

  I had to make this count. She would be the only love I ever touched.

  She was pushing my jacket off, then my shirt. Her jeans were unbuttoned. True to form, she was multitasking.

  And then we were skin-to-skin. I held her close and stopped. Heart-to-heart, her hair in my mouth, the scent I found at the base of her neck.

  Hold it. Seal it. This feeling. My heart was close to exploding. I ran my hands across her back, feeling the thin straps run under my fingertips.

  She wouldn’t wait. She took her bra off with a trickery, a quick movement that seemed like magic. She laughed. She laughed! And shivered. I covered her with my hands, touching the light pink nipples and watching her lose the shiver in exchange for a fever.

  Teddi threaded her fingers in my hair. While I held her, she kissed me. My forehead. The end of my nose. Leaning in to kiss my shoulder and then biting it gently.

  I watched as the breeze that came in the tent door danced over her skin and gave her goosebumps.

  I grabbed her up and twisted her, held her so she would be under me, shielded by me.

  And the look she gave me then. The permission, the invitation, the home in her body was actually enough to sustain a man.

  When I had paused enough to turn that moment into a tattoo on the inside of my mind, I kissed her. I kissed her lips and tasted them with my tongue. There was a rush to go slow. That this first time would be the last time.

  I helped her shimmy out of her jeans, and then I had a whole lifetime in my sight. I kissed all the skin I could see while her hands grew more urgent.

  My name, she said it like she meant it. Needed it.

  My jeans. She wanted those gone. I stood and took them off, saving the condom from the pocket. She would be protected. From me. From any future that had me in it. This was how we would say goodbye. I wondered if she really knew, but then I didn’t want to find that out. She was here and I loved her.

  And I needed to see what she looked like when she lost control of herself. I put my hand between her legs and my words in her ear.

  “You’re beautiful. You’re everything. Please, please.”

  And she was exquisite. And unrefined, and she even cursed a few times. She wasn’t the least bit cold anymore. I could almost see little bits of steam coming from her skin, so I tried to taste them, too. I ran my tongue and nibbled in places where she needed me. And when her thighs squeezed around my head, I knew she had no control at all. And I loved it. Loved her.

  “You. I need you now.”

  She didn’t have to ask again, but my Teddi was never shy and I let her take control. She pushed me down and made sure the condom was on. She looked in my eyes as she lowered herself on me. I put my thumb where it needed to be to give her the friction she was searching for.

  And then it wasn’t about anything but the feeling between us at the small moment. We were so powerful, we could create a universe, stop time.

  Snapshot. Snapshot. Her hair in her face. Move it out of the way. Flash of sunlight over her left shoulder. Her stomach taut as she came. Her hands running down her body and then using my hips to hold her balance. I arched up against her when she couldn’
t move anymore. She was wasted for me. Wasted with me.

  Teddi lay on me. Skin-to-skin again, but this time spent. Still a heartbeat between us, our breath rushing in and out.

  I hugged her to me and kissed the top of her head. It’d be like this when I needed to escape in the future. When the metal surrounded me, I’d send my soul to this moment and let it fly free. This was where my heaven would remain. With her. Like this.

  TEDDI

  THE DRIVE HOME was a rush. The tent and the lights and the candles haphazardly in the truck. At least we had a tarp over it. And still we found time to smile at each other. To touch hands. It was amazing. Our time together. And it explained all the electric feelings that had been between us. But it made me nervous, too. I couldn’t deny that he was saying goodbye. I just didn’t know why. When we pulled into the driveway, Austin, Taylor, and Peaches met us.

  Taylor was first. “You bitches decided to disappear on the big day? What the hell?”

  Swarmed by Taylor and Peaches, I was sent straight into work mode. Austin took Ruffian and the costume to make his magic happen and my girls were already dressed.

  Peaches forced me into the chair in my room.

  “Now we have to princess-fy you in, like, fifteen minutes.” Taylor started on my hair, yanking it in the brush.

  “Holy crap, let me brush my hair.” I turned in my seat and wrestled my brush away from her.

  “There are knots in your hair? And you’re flushed. YOU HAD SEX!” Taylor pointed at me in the mirror. I hopped up, spun around, and covered her mouth.

  “Loud, girl. I’m not trying to die today, so if you could keep it down?” I looked at the open door and thankfully didn’t see any lurking parents.

  Taylor’s eyes told me a whole story of shock and then excitement and then horror. She pulled my hands off her face. “Did you touch his balls with these?”

  I gave my head one shake. “I’ve washed my hands.”

  Well, I used hand sanitizer in the truck, but I left that part out.

  “But you are not denying the meatball fondle. Things OCCURRED!” Taylor jumped up and down while I went back to straightening my hair and getting out the wild bits that were left over from the woods.