Trust in Me

by Lea Coll

  “Okay. You have my attention.” Dean Strauss rested his elbows on his desk leaning forward.

  “The angle I’m looking at is how these schools pushed this professor from one school to the next without warning anyone—allowing the professor to continue doing the same thing.”

  “It’s certainly troubling. Can you tell me which professor it is? The article mentioned the history department.”

  Going out on a limb to save Sawyer, I felt completely out of my element but I’d never been surer that I was doing the right thing. “I can, but only if you promise this won’t affect Sawyer Hudson. I think he was unfairly caught up in the bet rumor and he has nothing to do with this.”

  His elbows rested on the arms of his chair, hands pressed together as he considered my words. “Well, I can’t promise anything yet, because we haven’t concluded our investigation.”

  This is what I’d expect from anyone I spoke to at a college, but I’d hoped for something more from the dean since I knew him personally. “I understand that. But I’m telling you now that Sawyer had nothing to do with this. I’ve spoken to the victim and she dated one professor. She started this bet as a way to get back at the professor for dumping her but she’s since come to her senses. She’s more interested in preventing this from happening to other students in the future.”

  “What would you like me to do?” He raised his brows at me.

  “Promise me this won’t affect Sawyer Hudson’s tenure.” I knew this was a long shot but I had to ask.

  “You know I can’t promise that. Tenure has to be approved at every level. The head of the history department, the provost, the president, me. If any one of us says no, then that’s it.”

  “I understand that. But you have pull. They’ll listen to you.”

  “And you know how tenure committees dislike bad publicity. Professors are an extension of the school and any question of impropriety is an issue.”

  This is what I was afraid of—Sawyer would get sucked into this story no matter what I did to try and protect him. “I think that’s a little unfair when Sawyer Hudson didn’t do anything.”

  “That’s what you say.”

  I needed to be tougher with him. My appeal to him as a friend, a colleague, wasn’t enough. “Well, I intend to run this story with or without your help. If you want me to add that Washington College is being proactive, that you intend to fire this professor without a good recommendation, and the college is determined to take a strong stance on this issue then I will.” The best threat was one against the college’s reputation. “My boss is calling this the antithesis of the Me Too movement. Do you want Washington College caught up in something that could go viral?”

  Dean Strauss shook his head and looked out the tall window which overlooked the quad. “Fine. Print the article with my statement. I’ll have Alice draft it and email it over today.” Then he looked at me. “This is in exchange for the professor’s name. And I promise I’ll do everything not to have this blow back on Sawyer Hudson. Unless he was involved too, than all bets are off the table.”

  I breathed a sigh of relief. “Understandable, but I’m confident the investigation will not reveal any wrongdoing on Sawyer’s part. I look forward to your statement.”

  “Now let’s hear about this online media course.”

  I was a little surprised he still wanted to hear about my online course after our discussion. But at the end of the meeting I was the new professor of Washington College’s online media course. It was a trial course for the summer, but still it felt amazing. The best part was that I told the dean I had a learning disability and explained how I’d persevered and how I wanted to help other students fulfill their potential. I think that was what convinced him. The smile on my face fell when I saw Sawyer seated on the couch just outside the dean’s door.

  “Sawyer?” My stomach dropped as I looked from Dean Strauss to Sawyer and back again. Why was he here? “Are you here to talk to—”

  “Dr. Hudson. Come on in.”

  Sawyer walked past me without even looking at me. The high I’d felt a moment before dissipated. Even though things professionally were looking up for me, I didn’t know what would happen with Sawyer’s career. I knew the investigation would reveal that he hadn’t been involved. But was the dean’s promise to protect him from any association or fallout from the article enough? Would Sawyer view my help as a positive or would he think I was meddling in his career again?

  I decided to wait outside the building on the steps. He’d have to come this way and he’d have to talk to me. I couldn’t decide what to do about our relationship until I knew what was happening with his job. After thirty minutes of looking up each time the door opened, Sawyer finally walked through the door. His face was closed off and his body tense. I jumped up. “Sawyer.” I stepped in front of him, but he immediately took a step to bypass me. “Wait.” I placed my hand on his arm. “How did it go?”

  Sawyer finally looked at me. “How is it your concern?” His voice was quiet and steady.

  Sawyer’s complete refusal to hear me about or listen to what I had to say was heartbreaking. “I care about you. That’s why. I never meant to do anything that would affect your job.”

  “But you did.”

  “Sawyer—”

  “My job is fine for now. They gave me an additional six months before I can apply for tenure. They want to conduct an investigation and make sure I wasn’t involved.”

  At least his tenure wasn’t denied outright. “I can see that. The college is protecting itself.”

  But his face was still tight, a muscle in his jaw ticked. “The fact is your actions caused my tenure to be delayed.” Then he stepped past me and stalked off.

  I stood there watching him walk away, my heart splintering into pieces. I’d had everything I ever wanted and now it was gone. I thought it was devastating when men cheated on me in the past, but it was nothing compared to this. I was the reason our relationship had failed. I should have talked to him first. I should have told him what was happening. Instead, a small part of me thought he could have been involved in it or fallen for Cindy’s game. In the back of my mind, I wanted to let it play out like all of my relationships in the past. Eventually, they all cheated. I let my history affect my relationship with Sawyer.

  Watching him walk away, I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. Now that he wasn’t mine, I knew without a doubt I was in love with him. That’s why this hurt so much. That’s why I’d run from him that evening in the boathouse. I sucked in a breath. I was in love with Sawyer. And it was too late.

  WITHIN A WEEK, OWEN’S PATTERN of sleeping with students, being fired, and moving to the next school had quickly overtaken the news about the bet to sleep with professors. My social media post had been shared so many times it went viral, forcing Bob to print the accompanying article.

  I was fielding questions left and right from people wanting more information, who was involved, and how the college intended to deal with it going forward. I was happy there was outrage and skepticism that the school would follow through with its plan to fire Owen and not to provide a good recommendation. But at the same time, I wished the buzz would die down. As long as it was still in the news I knew Sawyer’s tenure was in question and another chance with him dwindled.

  There was still no word from Sawyer. Thankfully, my friends were coming over to support me. I needed it. The doorbell finally rang and I opened the door to find Emma and Ashley holding bottles of wine. I hugged them and watched Samantha pull her truck into my driveway.

  When she approached the door she gave me a sympathetic smile. “I brought reinforcements.” She held up the bakery boxes and I took them from her when she reached me.

  “Thanks. I could use pastries.”

  I closed the door behind her and followed her into the kitchen where Emma and Ashley had gathered. Emma pulled down wine glasses while Ashley uncorked a bottle. Emma poured everyone a glass, passing them around.

  “Congrats
on your post going viral. You’re famous,” Ashley said.

  I took a long sip of wine, hoping to forget everything. “Eh. I’d rather not be famous for something that could derail Sawyer’s career.”

  “Hey, you did the best you could. How could you know Bob would print your article without your permission? He’d never done that before right?” Emma asked.

  “True. But I don’t think Sawyer saw it that way.”

  Ashley covered my hand with hers. “Don’t worry. As soon as this dies down he’ll talk to you.”

  “How can you be so sure?” I asked, but it was Emma’s face I watched since she was engaged to Sawyer’s brother.

  Emma’s face was pinched as Ashley spoke. “I don’t know. Sawyer’s pretty upset. He’s quiet and doesn’t like being the center of speculation.”

  “Plus his tenure was delayed,” Emma finally said.

  “It wasn’t canceled,” I said, but I knew it was still a blow to Sawyer. He’d followed all of the rules and it was my action that potentially screwed his chances at tenure. “It just reinforces everything Sawyer was worried about. I’m too loud, impulsive, too much for him. He just wants a nice quiet woman who won’t make waves.”

  “That’s not true,” Samantha said. “Remember when we were at Emma’s house and Luke said Sawyer needed you to show him how good it could be with you. How much he needed someone like you to bring out another side to him?”

  “Yeah, but—”

  “That’s what you need to do. Show him how you’ve changed his life. How you make him a better person,” Samantha said.

  I nodded. “Okay. So, what should I do?”

  “We need to drink more before we can figure this one out,” Ashley said.

  While the girls drank their wine I tried to think of ways to prove to Sawyer I was good for him. It was a tough one. “I have a platform, you know. I could apologize on the paper’s editorial.”

  “That’s what Luke did for me and it worked,” Emma said.

  Samantha shook her head. “No, that won’t work with Sawyer. He would hate that. You don’t want to reinforce his worries about how things can be a production with you.”

  And she was right. He would. He wouldn’t want our relationship to get caught up in all of this buzz about Owen and the college. He’d want to remain under the radar until it blew over.

  For years, I’d believed I needed to hide behind this false persona—this happy go lucky person. But who was I with Sawyer? I was just myself and it was good between us. I helped him at the scholarship dinner, brought him out of his shell, I supported him. I liked to be the one who helped others, but what if I asked him for his support? What if I asked him to be there when Dr. Hirsch talked to my mother? Would he realize how much I needed him? How much we needed each other? Or would he not want anything to do with me? “Guys, what if I asked him to be there for my family?” I said.

  Emma tilted her head. “Explain.”

  “Dr. Hirsch wants to speak with my mom with the whole family present to show our support. If we were together I would have asked him to be there.” Would I though? The last time he’d offered, I’d told him I could handle it on my own. “Maybe if I ask him to come and support me, he would see how much he means to me? How much I need him?”

  “It’s a long shot, especially when he’s so angry,” Ashley said. “I think you just need to lay everything out there, apologize, and hope he takes you back.”

  “I’d do that if he’d listen to me.” I tried twice now and he’d shut me down. He wasn’t ready to talk to me yet and I don’t know if he’d ever be ready. I looked around at my friends’ faces, which were pensive.

  Emma finally said, “It’s clear he cares about you. He might even love you. You need to prepare yourself though. He might listen to your apology and walk away.”

  “I know, but I have to at least try.”

  “Let’s see if we can think of what you can do to get him back,” Ashley said. We moved to the sunroom, lounging on the wicker furniture, drinking wine, and eating the cupcakes Samantha brought, but we couldn’t come up with anything else. And I knew I needed to apologize in person if he would agree to meet with me.

  The next morning, I texted Sawyer to ask if I could meet with him at his office to talk about something important. I didn’t want to just show up at his office. I needed to show him I wasn’t impulsive. I could plan things out and be mature.

  Sawyer: I can meet for coffee at 9:30 AM

  Stella: Okay thanks. coffee shop across from the courthouse?

  Sawyer: See you then

  I got there early and sat in the back. I didn’t want anyone to witness this conversation. I wanted him to listen to me but I wasn’t sure what to expect. Would he still want to be with me? I wiped my sweaty hands on my knit black dress and took a few steadying breaths, which didn’t help. I didn’t order any coffee because my stomach was tied up in knots and I didn’t want to feel any more jittery than I already was.

  I saw him walk in front of the window to the coffee shop in a suit with a briefcase slung over his shoulder. He opened the door scanning the room until his eyes stopped on mine. His face was unreadable as he came to a stop in front of my table.

  I cleared my throat. “Please sit down.” Why was I being so stiff and formal? “Can I get you a coffee?”

  He sat shaking his head. “No. I need to get back to the office. I’m really busy.” His eyes shot to mine then away. “With everything going on.”

  I was the reason he was going through all of this. Even though Owen pursued Cindy and Cindy started the stupid bet, I’d handled the whole situation poorly. I waited for him to take a seat across from me, his posture stiff as he looked at a point over my shoulder.

  “Thanks for agreeing to meet with me. I’m really sorry for everything that happened and my hand in it.” I took a deep breath gathering the courage to continue, relieved he was at least listening to me this time. “I overheard women talking about the bet. It was the kind of story my boss was pressuring me to write. I interviewed people, I dug into Owen’s past, and I kept notes on the paper’s network. Anyone on the paper had access to that but I’d never had any issues in the past.”

  “I hardly see why how the story came about matters.” He fidgeted and I worried he would leave without hearing everything I had to say.

  “It matters because I didn’t write it. I had no intention of writing it. My boss took my notes and wrote the story under my byline thinking I’d be happy. But I wasn’t finished investigating the story I wanted to write—how colleges fire these professors and give them a good recommendation to be hired elsewhere to do the same thing over and over again to a new crop of young women.”

  Sawyer shook his head. “What Owen did was disgusting.”

  “It is, and I didn’t want you to be caught up in it but since the history department was mentioned I wasn’t sure how to avoid it. I thought if I could prove Owen had done this multiple times before and his employers covered it up, that would become the story. Not women making a dumb bet to sleep with professors.”

  “What I can’t figure out is why didn’t you tell me?” His eyes locked on mine.

  If I ever wanted something real with Sawyer I needed to be one-hundred percent upfront with him about everything. “Honestly, I was worried that you were part of it.” I wiped my sweaty hands on my skirt.

  “How could you think that?” His face was incredulous and I couldn’t blame him.

  “Every one of my exes cheated on me. Two were in supervisory positions over younger women. It’s a hard thing to let go of and then I heard your department was being targeted. Old insecurities got the best of me. How could anyone choose me over a young co-ed?”

  He started to speak, but I continued before he could. “I know now I wasn’t being fair to you. You’d done nothing for me not to trust you. And I don’t expect you to answer me now or forgive me. I just wanted to tell you what happened so you understand everything.”

  His shoulders relaxed. �
�It’s a lot to take in.”

  I’d have to be patient which was not my strong suit. “We hang out with the same group of friends and I didn’t want things to be awkward.” I shifted in my seat at the lull in the conversation. I wasn’t sure what to say or do.

  “How have you been otherwise?” he asked softly, his eyes taking me in.

  Not trusting him was unreasonable but I wanted to explain what I was doing to get over it. “Not good.” I laughed bitterly. “I feel awful obviously, about everything that happened. I tried really hard to get over my exes cheating on me. It did a number on my self-confidence. I thought it was my fault that I was attracted to cheaters. So I saw a therapist—Dr. Hirsch. I wanted to get over my trust issues and move on, but clearly it didn’t work.”

  “It’s commendable you sought help.” He rested his elbows on the table.

  “We also talked about my family and my mother’s depression.” My heart was racing and my voice shaky. “My dad wants to stage an intervention.” I’d never been so openly honest with anyone. I hadn’t even told Ms. Gladys about my mother. “Dr. Hirsch thought it would be best if the whole family could be there, showing our support.” I was quiet for a moment gauging his reaction.

  “How do you feel about that?” His face was filled with concern and sympathy.

  “Well, my dad has never tried to do something like this so I’m willing to try. My sister agreed to come back for it too.”

  “Good.” I saw respect for me in his eyes.

  “It’s been so hard the past few years. I’m afraid to go into my family home—afraid I’ll get sucked back into my role as caregiver, keeping the family together—afraid to hope that this time she’ll take the help and get better for her, for us, our family.” I didn’t know why I was telling him all of this. It wasn’t so he’d pity me and take me back. It was because I missed his support.

  He sighed and was quiet for so long I thought he wasn’t going to answer. Finally, he said, “I think you’re doing the right thing.”

  “Really?”

  “I hope it goes well and she gets help. For your sake, if nothing else.”