A Love Worth Searching For

by Kathleen Ball

“I don’t know what’s going on, cowboy so just spit it out,” Lily said. Her smile was gone as though she expected bad news.

  “I want to announce that Izzy is part of our family now. I want everyone to understand that she will be staying with us. That is, if you both agree.” The silence that greeted him was unnerving.

  Lily wiped her hands and smiled. “What a wonderful idea!”

  Izzy’s eyes welled up. “Thank you. I was hoping.”

  Jed opened his arms and hugged them both at once. Finally, they both stepped back. “I’m pleased you both agree.”

  The thought of the announcement didn’t agree with Lily. Her stomach was in knots. She wanted them to be a family but the rest of the people were bound to have a problem with it. Why did everything have to be so hard? She couldn’t even sneeze without someone pointing a finger and blaming her for sickness. She tried to pretend it didn’t bother her, but there were many times where their comments were arrows to her heart.

  Izzy was the sweetest girl. Maybe it wasn’t fair to bring her into a family where people hated the mother. This wasn’t just making a commitment to Izzy; it was making one to Jed. She sometimes still wondered if she should just go off by herself so he could have a normal life.

  “Honey, aren’t you hungry?” Jed asked. His eyes were full of concern.

  She summoned up what she hoped was a convincing smile. “I’m just a bit nervous is all.” She turned to Izzy. “There are other people you could live with. I’m sure you noticed how people act toward me. I honestly thought surviving was like getting awarded the highest of achievements but it’s like I’m branded as a nonperson instead. We love you, Izzy, but I want you to know what you’re getting yourself into.”

  Izzy put her plate on the ground and hugged Lily. “I don’t care what others think. I never have. I’d be honored to be part of your family.”

  Lily’s heart lightened. “Let’s do this before I lose my nerve.”

  Jed put his plate on the folded down tailgate. Then he pulled Lily into his arms. His eyes glittered in the firelight. “I’m glad. It’s the right move and not just to protect Izzy but because we’ve come to love her.” He kissed her on her lips.

  His kisses were what she thought of most days recently. His firm lips on hers, the way he cupped her cheek, and the look he gave her when he withdrew. It was though they were talking without saying a word. She could see into his heart at those moments and hopefully it was the same for him.

  There was more, so much more to a marriage. She wasn’t ignorant. There hadn’t been much privacy living with the Sioux. During those times, she prayed that it would never happen to her but lately she’d been wondering and wanting. She wanted more closeness with Jed.

  She and Jed held Izzy’s hands between them when Jed made the announcement. A few people asked Izzy if this is what she wanted, and she answered yes. That satisfied more than half the crowd. Those left voiced their objections and not too nicely.

  After the first disparaging remark, Jed asked Lily and Izzy to go back to the wagon. Lily gladly did. She thought she’d be used to it by now but it still hurt.

  “Izzy, that is just a small example of how people will treat us.”

  Izzy smiled. “I don’t care. I’m thrilled you and Jed wanted me as your daughter. My life keeps making so many twists and turns. This is a good turn.” She kissed Lily on her cheek. “Don’t worry I won’t be sorry I chose you.”

  “You’re so sweet, Izzy.”

  Izzy laughed lightly. “Thank you. I’m going to go to bed so you and Jed can talk.” She started to climb into the wagon and then stopped. “Can I call you Mum and Jed Dad?”

  Lily’s throat thickened with emotion. “Yes, of course.” She waited for Izzy to get into the wagon before she allowed the first tear of joy to fall.

  She heard his footsteps and glanced up at Jed.

  He held out his hand. “Rex will keep watch while we talk.”

  She clasped his hand and allowed him to lead her outside the circle of wagons, far beyond the firelight. They stopped near the stream.

  Jed turned and put one finger under her chin and lifted until they were staring into each other’s eyes. “Why are you crying? I know people can be cruel—”

  “Happy tears.”

  “Happy tears?”

  She nodded as she smiled. “Izzy asked to call me mum and you Dad. Her words touched me in a way I can’t explain.”

  He visibly relaxed. “That is a reason to be happy. Who would have thought we’d have a daughter before we reached Oregon. Despite the naysayers, I’m a happy man. I love you, Lily.”

  Her heart filled to near bursting. “I love you too. I have for a very long time.”

  He pulled her into his arms and held her close. Then he kissed her cheek and jawline until he got to her neck. He sprinkled kisses over her as he unbuttoned the top few buttons to her dress. He kissed down farther, and then he stopped.

  It was disappointing when he pulled away. His kisses were delicious, and she wanted more, much more. His touch made her body sing. She trembled as he buttoned her back up.

  “I see the questions in your eyes, Lily. I want our first time to be special and not against some boulder in the dark woods. Our time will come. I want you so much it hurts, but you deserve respect.”

  “What if I said throw respect out the window?” She smiled.

  “Trust me on this. It’ll be a day you’ll remember for the rest of your life and I want to get it right.”

  “When will it be right?” She touched his chest and felt his heart beating fast.

  “I think at the ranch.”

  Disappointment filled her and she felt ashamed that she wanted him so much. “That will be just fine.” She took her hand from him and for some reason she felt alone.

  “I thought all men like to… you know.” Thank goodness for the darkness. She hoped it hid her warming face.

  “They do—”

  “But not with their wives? Is that why there are so many soiled doves in the world?” She was just plain stupid. She didn’t know the first thing about men or marriage. She could have sworn she’d heard married couples in their wagons.

  “I have no idea how many soiled doves there are.”

  “What about where you live? Do you have one you like?”

  He shook his head and grinned. “We are getting way off track. I wanted to kiss you and hold you and have you close to me. It seems like I’m always busy, and I wanted to steal time for just us. I wanted you to know how much I love you. I’d give you everything I own and then some. You are so very beautiful.” He leaned down and kissed her again until her spine tingled.

  She felt breathless when he finished. “I’m glad we had this time together. We’d best get back.”

  He took her hand and led her back to the wagon. “Sleep in the wagon with Izzy. I’m not sure if anyone got riled up enough to try to hurt either of you.” He gave her a long lingering kiss before she climbed into the wagon.

  She changed into her nightclothes and held her fingertips to her lips as joy filled her heart.

  Chapter Eleven

  Another grueling day and two more deaths. Jed shook his head. Two boys were daring each other to run in front of the wagons and they both fell. It was always hard to bury the children. But they were finally in Oregon. They still had a good seven days to go but they’d make it. It will be a relief when he handed Garber off to the sheriff. Garber never shut up and he got on everyone’s nerves. Quite frankly, he wondered why someone hadn’t slit his throat by now.

  They’d rested their oxen often over the last month, and everyone seemed to be in good shape. More and more people needed supplies from Smitty, but that was the reason he brought the food. He’d seen people who were starving on other trains. Many times, he’d seen pitifully thin dead bodies along the side of the trail. People hadn’t had the strength to bury them.

  Everyone on his train looked thinner but fitter. A few had bad coughs they couldn’t shake but reli
ef drivers were used when necessary. It all cut into his pay, but he’d rather make less and get his people to Oregon then cut corners and have too many deaths.

  They would celebrate tonight. People would start to turn off the trail beginning tomorrow. Some already had land and families here and wouldn’t have to go to the land office. He announced at the nooning that they were staying put for the rest of the day. It seemed to lifts everyone’s spirits. He also wanted Lily in his arms as they danced.

  Smitty immediately offered to keep Izzy by his side. Jed had to laugh.

  “Anything to get out of dancing, Smitty.”

  “I’m not above using what I can. Let Rex and Owen dance with the single women.” Smitty raised his eyebrows as his eyes twinkled.

  Jed grinned. “Thank you for watching Izzy. It’ll be a great help.”

  “That’s me alright. Helpful.”

  Jed watched as everyone got busy taking baths and washing clothes. There wasn’t much time to be idle on the trip. It hit him as he watched that this was his last trip. There was no way he wanted to be parted from Lily again. It jarred him a bit; he hadn’t given it much thought.

  “What’s that grin for?” Smitty asked as he handed Jed a mug.

  “I’m going to join my brothers and stay at the ranch year round. I’m going to miss the wagon train trips but I have good reason to want to build something of my own.”

  Smitty nodded. “Good choice. I plan to do the same. I have some business I have to attend to, but I’m hoping to make a certain woman my wife one of these days. She’s all I’ve been thinking about the whole trip. Can you imagine me with a wife and a houseful of orphans?”

  Smitty was already married, but Jed didn’t say anything. It was a mystery Smitty never divulged. “Yes, I can imagine it, and I can imagine you being good at it. After all, you raised Mike, Jed, and me. We weren’t always easy to handle, and I do thank you.”

  “No mushy talk. It was an honor to raise my best friend’s boys. I do have a few gray hairs due to you three, but it was worth it. We have a good ranch started, and I can’t wait to see what we can make of it.”

  “I’d best see how Lily is. She still refuses to bathe in a river. I can’t blame her but she’d carry the water herself and not bother to ask for help.”

  Smitty laughed. “Most men have the opposite problem. At least you won’t be henpecked.”

  Jed strolled toward his wagon. Smitty was right, he’d never be henpecked. He’d made a good choice in Lily. He was just about to the wagon when Lily came running at full speed. He had to brace himself to catch her.

  “Izzy is gone! She went to the river for a minute, and I can’t find her anywhere.” She took long deep breaths.

  “Let’s not panic yet. We’ll look around first.”

  Lily looked doubtful but nodded. They split up and started to search.

  Hours later, most had joined in but there was no sign of Izzy. The sun would be setting soon and Jed was out of ideas. There weren’t any tracks leaving the camp, just to the river and back. Jed rode out anyway but found nothing.

  Fingers began to point at Lily, and for the first time Jed was afraid for her. He had to stop her from searching and make her sit with Smitty. The look she gave him was scathing, but he refused to back down. He’d die if they lost her too.

  It was one of the hardest things he’d ever done to go to her after dark without Izzy. Jed gently lifted her in his arms and carried her to their wagon. Tears streamed down her face, but she didn’t utter a sound.

  Jed undressed her and put her nightgown on. She didn’t seem to care if he saw her undressed. He laid her down and then he lay next to her, holding her.

  “I’m so sorry, Lily. I looked and I searched, but…”

  She touched his shoulder. “Shh, my love. You’ve been through this before, and it’s not fair you have to go through it again. Izzy is strong, and if it was Indians, she’ll make it. If…if it was assassins again, we may never know what happened to her. I want to wail and scream at God, but I can only pray that He’s watching over her. I’ve learned that not everything has an answer or a reason. I’ve learned that the ones you love can be taken from you in a heartbeat. For some reason, I don’t think she’s dead. I think she’s close.”

  “I hope so. We’d best try to get some sleep so we can look some more tomorrow.”

  Lily woke to arguing. Jed was already up, and she hurried to get dressed. It was barely dawn. Did they find Izzy? Her heart sank. No, it wouldn’t be good news if they were fighting. Closing her eyes, she summoned all of her strength. She’d need every ounce.

  She climbed out of the wagon and was surprised to see a few of the wagons ready to go. Where were they going? She had known they’d be splintering off now they were in Oregon, but the Reverend and his sister were supposed to be going to the end with them or so she’d been told.

  She hurried to where Jed stood in front of the lead wagon. He immediately put his arm around her back holding the side of her waist. “Be ready to roll out of the way if it comes to it,” he whispered.

  She nodded slightly. “Where are they going?” she asked loudly. She wanted everyone to know that these people were just cutting and running. “Surely you want to keep looking for Izzy?” She stared at the reverend and tilted her head. “Isn’t that what Christian duty is all about? Helping one another? I know you don’t like me but certainly, you have compassion for Izzy. You wanted to raise her yourself.”

  The reverend never wavered. “We have commitments in town.”

  His sister Jill’s face was so very white. She kept her eyes averted and her hands clasped in her lap. She seemed to stiffen at every word that was exchanged.

  “Jill? Is this true? What about Izzy? You’d leave her lost in the wild?” Jill still didn’t glance her way.

  “Who else is going?” she asked Jed.

  “Wanda and her brother and the Richards. If it were under different circumstances, I wouldn’t blink twice, but something isn’t right. The Richards just want to move on and Wanda and Dave want to do the same. Something isn’t right.”

  Lily took a step forward. “Before you go Reverend Callen, could you lead us all in prayer that we find Izzy safe and sound?”

  By now most of the camp was up and observing the confrontation.

  “Let’s all gather and pray shall we, Reverend?” Jed insisted.

  Everyone gathered in the center of the remaining circle of wagons.

  “Jill, join us too,” Jed said.

  As soon as everyone was focused on Jed and then the reverend, Lily stole into the Callen’s wagon. Her heart beat faster and faster as she spotted a pile of blankets and grew certain Izzy was hidden beneath it.

  As she pulled the heavy coverings aside, she spotted Izzy, bound and gagged, and struggling to breathe.

  Lily’s eyes filled with tears, but she hastily brushed them away and unsheathed her knife. In seconds, she sliced through the rope bindings. She took the bandana out of Izzy’s mouth, motioning for her to be quiet, and then she snuck her out of the wagon.

  Izzy was a bit unsteady on her feet, so Lily took the girl’s hand, and they went into the woods. As silently as they could, they circled around to their wagon but stayed hidden in the woods. Lily waited. It wasn’t going to be pretty. Would the Callens continue on without Izzy?

  Jed walked to the wagon, and she could see him searching the woods. She rustled a few branches to signal to him. He smiled and nodded and then left. Lily couldn’t tell what was going on, but none of the wagons left.

  People began yelling for Izzy; they were searching again. Maybe she should take Izzy further into the woods where they wouldn’t be found. Just as she was about to put her plan into action, Rex showed up.

  “Smitty is going to hang bedding to air outside his wagon. Once he has it set, we’ll smuggle Izzy into his wagon and hide her. Be careful. I’m going to yell in a few minutes. Izzy can I rip off a piece of your dress? I want them to go in the opposite direction.”

/>   Lily didn’t wait for an answer. She ripped a big strip off the bottom and handed it to Rex. “Thanks for this.”

  “I’m glad you’ve been found, Izzy.” Rex turned and disappeared in the woods.

  “Do you think this will work?” Izzy whispered.

  “Yes, now let’s go and be quiet.”

  They moved slowly through the woods and almost laughed when they heard Rex hollering about his discovery. All was set. Smitty made a small aisle between airing blankets for Izzy to get to his wagon. Lily gave her a big hug.

  “You stay put. Smitty is one of the best men I know.”

  Izzy’s eyes filled with unshed tears as she nodded and then hurried away.

  Lily took a deep breath before she went back into the woods and joined in on the search. She spotted Jed and winked at him when he looked her way. He made his way to her side.

  “Maybe you should be at our wagon in case she finds her own way back,” he said nice and loud.

  “I probably should. She needs to be safe.” She started to walk back to camp when she found the Callens blocking her path.

  “Where is she?” Kurt asked. She no longer thought of him as a reverend.

  “In God’s hands. Now if you’ll excuse me.”

  Kurt grabbed her arm. “I’m not sure you know who you are dealing with. I have been given a job to do of the highest importance, and you keep getting in the way.”

  She pulled her knife and waved it in his face. “Kindly take your hand off of me.”

  Kurt glared at her and let her go. Then she was hit from the side with a branch. Jill? Lily rolled and was up on her feet in seconds. She held her knife in front of her. “I’m not afraid to use it. I could start with peeling your skin off while you’re alive. Or… hmm I have so many choices. The Sioux are very creative people.”

  Jill’s face turned red while Kurt’s turned white. It was interesting to watch them trying to think.

  “You wouldn’t use that on us. The rest of the camp would have you hanged. Now drop it.” Kurt attempted to pull a gun out from under his vest but he was too slow.