by Dana Mason
He lifted up. "I'm sorry."
She wanted to say stop, don't leave, Brian…but she didn't have the courage.
"Brian…"
"Yeah." He released her hand and brushed the hair off her face.
"Did we do this that night…when you fought with Jeffries at the school?"
He smiled and let out a long exhale. "Do you remember now?"
"I thought it was a dream."
"It felt like a dream…right up until I had to leave."
"I guess that explains your bad mood in the morning."
He grinned. "Sorry."
"I didn't want you to stop, but you did. That must have been hard."
"You were quite the tease."
"Or you were. I guess it depends on how you look at it," she said.
He snickered. "True, but it wouldn't have been very gentleman-like to make love to you while you were high."
"I was stupid-horny from those pills."
"I have a couple in my pocket if you want to try again?" He flashed a wide smile.
Melissa wanted more than anything for him to kiss her again. He must have sensed it because he leaned in and teased her lips with his tongue then brushed kisses along her jaw line.
"God, I miss the way you feel," Brian breathed. "I miss everything about you."
He nipped her earlobe, and Melissa sighed at the warm sensation his mouth left behind. He was methodical, moving over her slowly, deliberately. She had no idea how he held onto his control. She fisted her hand in his hair and pulled him closer, forcing a deeper kiss than he might have meant, but she couldn't stop herself. She no longer cared about the outside world. She wanted this moment more than anything.
Her hands ached to touch him again, and her heart needed the fulfillment only he could provide. Brian's warm hand found her bare shoulder, and she wanted so much for him to touch every inch of her.
"Melissa…baby."
The sound of her name and the heat in his voice nearly made her cry. How long had it been since she'd been touched by someone who loved her more than anyone else in the world. But did he?
Did Brian still love her like that?
Chase loved her, and she was cheating on him. She was doing no better to Chase than Brian had done to her.
Melissa silently screamed at herself to shut up. She wanted this. She wanted him more than anything else in the world, but the doubt was there, and she couldn't pretend it wasn't.
"Melissa…" When he cupped her breast over her tight, strapless bridesmaid dress, she choked out a cry. "Brian…I need to, no…" She pushed gently against his chest. "I can't."
Brian lifted up and looked at her.
She closed her eyes tightly and wanted to scream.
"I'm sorry…" he whispered. "I thought you wanted me, too."
"I do," she said and couldn't stop when the tears squeezed out from under her lids.
He cupped her face gently. "Will you talk to me, please?"
She brought her hands up to cover her eyes, and the same overwhelming sense of loss hit her like it had in the church during Ali's wedding. She wanted to die. Right there and then, she wanted to die in Brian's arms. She would never be able to move on. She'd never be able to marry Chase. She'd never have a family. Never look across the altar at a man who only wanted her for the rest of his life.
When she started sobbing, Brian took his jacket off and covered her with it. The fog slowly misted them in a cocoon, as if purposely blocking out the rest of the world and giving them this moment alone, offering them a once in a lifetime chance to forget the past and live in the moment. And how did she take advantage of the moment…she spent it with tears in her eyes and doubt in her heart.
"Lis, please, don't cry. I hate that I always make you cry." He lay with her until she calmed enough to talk to him. "Take a deep breath, babe."
The heavy torment in his voice only made her cry harder.
"Please, talk to me…tell me what I did wrong. Did I go too far?"
"No." The word came out warped from her crying.
Brian pulled her into his chest and held her against him when she shivered out another sob. When her breathing settled, Brian tilted her head up to see her eyes. She tried to hide, but he wouldn't let her.
"Can you talk?"
Melissa shook her head, and it was true, she didn't think she could talk without losing it again. No matter what she did from this point on, her dream of having a family would never be realized. She'd die a pathetic, childless, strange cat-lady…or something.
"Did I push you too far?"
"No," she squeaked.
"This has been a hard day for you, hasn't it?"
Melissa nodded and curled against him, chilled from the loss of his heat.
"Let's go before it gets too foggy to find the car. If you stand up, I'll carry you back."
Melissa let out a watery chuckle, thankful he wasn't forcing her to talk when she wasn't ready.
He pumped his chest out. "I can do it."
She let him help her up, and she stuck her arms through his jacket. Brian threw the blanket over her shoulders, and it helped to block the chill from the fog. When he reached to pick her up, she stopped him.
"I can walk."
"Fine, but let me hold your arm so you don't fall." Brian stuck his arm out, and Melissa took it. When she slipped, he grabbed her around her waist and hoisted her back on her feet, then held onto her until they reached the parking lot.
The ride home was quiet; neither of them was sure what to say or how to act now. By the time they'd reached her building, Melissa's tears had dried up. Brian helped her out of the car and took her keys to let her inside. Melissa went straight to the bathroom to scrub her face clean. She'd cried herself into the worst headache.
She stripped off her wet, grass-stained dress and put on her robe before leaving the bathroom. When she came out, Brian was standing in her dark bedroom, waiting for her. She clicked on the lamp, and he smiled at her.
"I'm probably not getting my deposit back on this tux."
"Sorry," she said, her voice still harsh from crying.
He stepped closer. "I don't want to leave you alone. Can I stay with you?"
She scowled at him, wishing like hell he didn't know her so well. "Stop, will you? God, I can't stand the pathetic look on your face."
"What are you talking about?" He shrugged at her. "I'm only trying to help."
"Then stop being so nice to me. That's what you can do to help." She walked to her dresser, pulled out the largest pair of sweats she had, and threw them at him. "Do you want a t-shirt?"
"No. This is fine."
"Do you want a drink?"
"I would love one."
Melissa walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of wine then a beer from the fridge. When she returned to the bedroom, she found him staring at the photos hanging on the far wall. She sat on the bed cross-legged and waited for him to sit as well. He looked at her apprehensively before sitting across from her.
"Nice room. Did you take these pictures—sorry, is that too nice of a thing to say?"
She glared at him. "Don't mock me either."
He popped the beer and took a swig then asked, "Can we talk for real now?"
"Do you think I've said something unreal to you lately?"
"No. I'm sure it was all real, but meaningless." He held up his hand before she could send him a snide retort. "I want you to tell me why you're so upset."
She took a deep breath, concentrating hard on maintaining some self-control. "I can't marry Chase." She lowered her face to her hands, hiding how miserable she felt.
"And that's why you're crying?" His voice was cold and flat, but she didn't care.
"You're so stupid," she said through her hands before dropping them onto her lap. "You don't get it."
"Then tell me."
"No, you won't understand."
"Try me."
She shook her head and wiped her face.
"Then let me have a go a
t guessing." He lifted his eyebrows in question. "Your sister just married the love of her life and that's forced you to realize that Mr. Berkeley isn't the love of your life. That's why you can't marry him."
Their eyes met, and she nodded.
"Did you push me away earlier because you feel like your cheating on him?"
His eyes darkened, and she wanted to slap him because she knew exactly what he was thinking.
"I don't belong to you, Brian. Sleeping with you would be cheating on him."
"Screw that! You and I together is the right thing. It's not cheating. I don't care whose ring sits on your finger."
Melissa looked at his wedding ring. "That's rich coming from you."
He took his ring off and thrust it in her hand. "It took everything I had to give up on you and wear that ring on my finger. It's never meant what it should have. I know that now. It doesn't compare to this, it was different. This," he held up the band, "represented a commitment between me and Julie, yes. But it doesn't hold the same power and now I realize that it never did." He pointed between them. "Right is right, Melissa."
"Seventeen years with her meant nothing. Is that what you're trying to sell me? Well, I'm not buying. Why is that double standard okay? You belonged to her, but I belong to you?"
"No! You know very well where my heart belongs. Julie was separate from this. I'm not saying I didn't love her, and I'm not saying she wasn't important to me, but she didn't undo us, Melissa, and Collins can't either. That's why you can't marry him."
"If I knew your heart belonged to me then I wouldn't have pushed you away and said no."
"You don't trust me?" Brian's words came out on a heavy breath. When she nodded, he said, "You've lost faith in me."
"Of course. What do you think? I've hurt for too many years. You act like nothing's changed, like we're eighteen again and all these years with your wife don't count."
Brian closed his eyes and nodded. "The way I feel about you hasn't changed."
"But how do you feel? Because I distinctly remember you marrying someone else. God, you act like my doubt is the betrayal here, Brian."
They were quiet for a few minutes. Then Brian said, "I can't argue with that. I'll have to earn you back."
Tears burned her eyes again. "Good luck with that."
Brian set his beer down on her nightstand and took both her hands in his. "The last couple of weeks have been eye-opening for me. It's only been a few months since Julie's death, and you understand how I felt about her, but this has nothing to do with her." He closed his eyes as if to find the words he wanted to say. "You and I are different. When I lost you…I lost a huge part of myself."
"So…do you want me…or are you just trying to reclaim your youth?"
Brian lips turned into a frown. "I hate that you don't believe me when I tell you how I feel." He squeezed her hands. "Are you open to this, Melissa?"
"I don't know…"
He exhaled and said, "I love you."
She'd dreamt of Brian telling her he loved her for years, and here he was saying it, and she couldn't help but doubt him.
"I love you," he said again and reached out for her, drawing her closer.
She met him, nose to nose. "Then prove it."
"I will," he whispered. "I will prove it if you give me the chance," he said. "You and I will spend every day of the rest of our lives together. I promise."
"Your promises no longer mean anything to me," she whispered against his mouth.
"I will keep this one. Nothing is more important to me than proving to you how much you mean to me."
Brian covered her mouth with his in such a tender kiss, Melissa wanted to weep. Her mind couldn't register the emotions welling up. For so long, she'd wanted Brian to kiss her and tell her he loved her, and now, it was finally happening.
His hands tangled in her hair, and Melissa's heart started pounding so hard, she worried he could feel it. She tried to take a deep breath, but her lips couldn't break away from his. If she stopped, she might never feel him again. This could be another dream; this could be her mind playing vicious tricks on her.
"Melissa." Brian's voice cracked when he said her name, his heavy breaths brushing her cheek. "I love you. I love you, and I've missed you so much. You feel incredible…it's like…coming home again." He fisted his hand and gently tugged on her hair. He pulled her back and trailed kisses down her jaw to the crook of her neck. When his lips landed on her neck, tingles raced through her. She wanted nothing more than to rip her robe off so he'd touch every part of her.
He pulled her closer and held her flush against his chest. "I'm sorry. I can wait for this as long as I can still feel you, and keep you close."
Melissa's hands traveled his bare back, trying to absorb his heat, making her wish she hadn't said no. Touching him, having him in her bed, made it more difficult to resist, but she wasn't ready to let her defenses down. Her heart and mind had a long memory. "Please don't hurt me again," Melissa whispered.
He squeezed her tighter. "Never. I will never make you cry again."
Chapter Thirty-Two
Erin stepped through the ballroom doors and out onto the stone patio. She needed some air, but more than that, she needed a moment to catch her breath.
Matt followed her out and closed the door behind him. He laid a hand on her bare shoulder, but Erin couldn't stand the touch. Seeing the photo…the pose, her looking so lewd, she felt dirty…and completely unworthy of Matt's touch. She dropped her arm out of his slight grip and scooted away.
"Erin…what happened? Who did you get a text from that freaked you out so much?"
She had no idea what to tell him. There wasn't a lie worthy of her reaction to the photo. She knew it must have looked like she'd seen a ghost. Even now, standing in the cold, she was clammy with nervous sweat.
"It wasn't a message. I just lost my balance."
He laughed but it lacked humor. "You don't really expect me to believe that, do you?"
"Are you calling me a liar?" She turned to face him.
"Yes, I am." He scoffed at her. "I saw the look on your face…why don't you just tell me what happened."
"I slipped and fell backward. That's all."
"If that's true, let me have a look at your phone."
Erin glared at him and narrowed her eyes, but her heart jumped in her chest at the thought. "No! I don't have to prove anything to you."
"This isn't about proving anything. It's about you lying. You letting someone affect you like that and not telling anyone. I want to know what scared you. I want to help you, Erin."
"Well, you know what, Matt, you're wrong and I don't need your help." She brought her hands to her face and pressed her fingers against her temples. "God…can't you just take a day off from the pitbull routine."
"If wanting to protect you makes me a pitbull, fine, I can live with that." He reached out for her, but she pulled away from him. It was the only thing she could do. Pull away, figuratively and literally. "Talk to me, Erin."
"No, I'm sorry, but I can't give you what you want." She inhaled deeply and lowered her eyes. "Excuse me, I'm going to go find my grandparents and see if they're ready to go home."
Erin rushed through the doors and returned to the ballroom. She walked straight through until she reached the ladies room. Once inside a stall, she lowered herself down and dropped her face into her hands. The kiss. Matty's kiss. Oh my God. How could she walk away…he was everything she wanted, and more than anything, she wished she could confide in him. But she and Matt…it couldn't happen. Not now. She'd be smarter to end it before everyone knew what she'd done. Maybe if she broke it off now, broke his tie to her, it would save his reputation when word got out. Coach was bound to share a photo online eventually, why else would he be torturing her like this.
She pulled out her phone and slid the bar to search out the photo Coach had sent her.
When the picture opened, she focused hard on her naked form. He'd done something to it, made her look older
, made her look like she was enjoying herself. She felt sick. His message said, "Wouldn't the guys love it if I left this print in the locker room for them to find? I can already hear all the clicking from their phones as they snapped photos to share on Facebook and Twitter."
Erin slid off the toilet seat and knelt down to throw up.
~
Melissa pulled away and slipped under the bed covers. Brian snuggled in against her, his warm body curling around hers. She fought the shiver when his warmth battled against her icy shell. He reached around, untied her robe and opened it under the blankets. When his hands rested on her bare skin, goose bumps erupted all over her body.
"Lissa," he whispered in her ear.
"Humm," she sighed, inching closer to him.
"How did you know your sister was pregnant before she did?"
Melissa shrugged. "Maybe because I was looking for it and she wasn't."
"You're not using any birth control with Collins?"
She rolled her eyes. "Yes, Brian, he uses a condom every freaking time."
"You're not on the pill?"
"No." The question hurt her. From her conversations with Julie, she gathered that Brian wasn't interested in having more kids, and being with him possibly meant never having a baby.
"It's kinda neat to be that close to someone and have that connection. Your relationship with your sister is pretty rare."
"It's just how we're made."
"My brother and I only talk about once a month…but he's an annoying little shit."
She chuckled. "He probably says the same about you."
"Yeah, that's true."
"Ali's divorce from Mark nearly killed me. I was sick for weeks, but when Micah was kidnapped, and I couldn't reach her, I was devastated. I thought something had happened to her." Melissa still choked up when she thought about it.
Brian squeezed her when her voice grew heavy, tucking his face in the crook of her neck. "I'm sorry you had to go through that."
His hand slid up and rested between her breasts. She smiled at how careful he was being, relieved he had enough respect for her not to push.