Letting Go (Dangerous Love)

by Elle Keating

  While he was out, Anna had spoken to her father’s medical team and she had felt her heart drop. Stage IV pancreatic cancer. He wasn’t going to beat it. He had a few months, six if he was lucky. When she had returned to his bedside she took his hand, watched him sleep and thought about those two little boys, the one who had died in her ER and the one who she would forever mourn…

  Anna covered her ears, but it was no use. Even over the humming she could still hear her mom yelling at her dad. She hoped Tim stayed asleep. No three-year-old should hear this.

  “I know about her, about all of them!”

  Anna squeezed her eyes shut. She knew what her mom was talking about. It wasn’t the first time her mom had accused her dad of cheating on her. Especially right before he would leave for one of his medical conferences. And tonight he was supposed to catch a plane to California for a week-long trip. He usually argued back, but tonight it was her mom’s voice, her crying that filled the air.

  Why didn’t he tell her she was wrong? That he wasn’t cheating on her?

  And then a door slammed. He hadn’t kissed Anna goodbye. He always kissed her goodbye when he was leaving for a trip. She ran into her parents’ bedroom, picked up the phone on the nightstand next to their bed and called her friend. Lindsey didn’t ask why Anna wanted to sleep over her house… again. By now, Lindsey knew and never told her no. Anna hung up the phone, grabbed her prepacked duffel bag from her closet and her pillow and made her way out into the hallway. She peeked in on her brother and made sure he was still sound asleep before heading to the front door. Her mom was sitting at the kitchen island, her makeup running down her face, her eyes bloodshot. She already had poured herself a drink, something she did after every fight.

  “I’m sleeping at Lindsey’s.”

  Her mom looked up, nodded, and sipped her drink. She loved her mom. Looked up to her dad. She wanted to be like him, a doctor who helped and cured people. But she hated when her parents fought and she didn’t want to stay and hear her mom cry, which would go on for hours until she fell asleep.

  Anna decided to wait outside. A part of her hoped her mom would come out and ask her not to leave, say that she was sorry for accusing her dad of something Anna could never see him doing. But Lindsey’s mom and Lindsey pulled up and Anna hopped into their SUV. Lindsey’s mom didn’t ask, just gave her a knowing look, because these impromptu sleepovers were becoming a monthly occurrence.

  Anna took the bottom bunk, which was basically considered hers at this point, and she and her friend settled in with a movie that they had seen at least ten times. By midnight Lindsey was asleep and Anna had to use the bathroom. She had ingested way too much soda and she felt like she was going to explode. She stepped into the hallway and was heading to the bathroom when she practically ran into a man she had never seen before. She assumed he was Miss Houser’s boyfriend. Lindsay had said that her mom had just started dating someone new and that he was covered in tattoos. Anna’s eyes locked onto his snake tattoo. It seemed to slither up his arm and disappear beneath his short sleeve shirt.

  “Hey, you must be Lindsey’s friend. Anna, right?”

  She didn’t like the way he said her name… or how he was looking at her. His eyes dipped below her chin and scanned her twelve-year-old body. Anna peered behind him.

  Where was Lindsey’s mom? She had heard her laughing about a half hour ago, but now the house was silent. “Where’s Miss Houser?”

  “She went to bed. I was just going to rent a movie. Want to watch it with me? Looks like everyone is asleep but you and me.” Anna took a step back but he crept closer. “Come on, Anna. Keep me company.” He reached out and twirled a lock of her hair around his thick, meaty fingers. She swatted his hand away and told him to leave her alone. “I like redheads.” A sick grin formed on his face before he grabbed her arm and started to drag her toward a spare bedroom.

  Somehow, she knew if her feet crossed the threshold of that room, something bad was going to happen. She kicked and punched him, but his grip tightened. She had only one option. Anna sank her teeth in his hand and he finally loosened his grasp enough for her to break free and run back to Lindsey’s room. Anna shut the door behind her and locked it. She backed away, keeping her eyes on the doorknob until her legs bumped against the bed. She looked up and saw that Lindsey was still asleep. Anna started to cry, and her entire body shook. She needed to get out of there. She needed her mom. Anna went to Lindsay’s nightstand, grabbed the phone, and called her mom. It rang six times before she picked up. Anna sobbed into the phone.

  “Baby? Is that you? Anna?”

  The sound of her mom’s voice only made her cry harder. “Mom, can you come get me?” she begged.

  “What’s wrong, Anna?”

  Anna didn’t know what to say. She felt dirty and embarrassed over what just happened. “I had a bad dream… I’m scared.”

  “Honey, it was just a nightmare. You’re fine. Why don’t you put on a funny movie…”

  “Mom, please,” she pleaded, her voice cracking.

  “Okay, Anna, I’ll be right there. Make sure Lindsey’s mom knows you’re leaving. She’ll worry if she wakes up and you’re not there.”

  Anna nodded to no one. “Love you, Mom.”

  “Love you too, Anna.”

  Anna hung up the phone, grabbed her bag and pillow, sat on the floor and hugged her knees to her chest. She kept her eyes on the bedroom door and listened for footsteps. After a few minutes, Anna glanced at the clock and told herself to hang in there. Her stomach had already been in knots, but as each minute passed, they seemed to tighten. What was taking her mom so long? And that was when she heard the sirens, off in the distance.

  “Hey, Anna. I was wondering if you would like to grab dinner after our shift tonight?”

  Anna snapped to the present and looked at the newly hired x-ray technician. Jeff had started about a month ago and had already asked her out twice. She had shot him down as gently as she could both times for no particular reason. He seemed like a good guy and gave off boy-next-door vibes as opposed to ones that left her panties soaked.

  She had dated all kinds of men. Blue collar, white collar, handsome, cute, smooth versus gruff and sexy. Her ex-boyfriend had been a nice guy… and incredibly patient. Tom had wanted to take things to the next level, but she had refused to make that leap. Looking back, she couldn’t believe he hadn’t ended things sooner. He had always wanted the white picket fence, while she had wanted to live in the moment and not commit to said picket fence. Every time Tom had brought up the future, her anxiety would soar. She had seen, lived through her parents’ sham of a marriage and didn’t think she could ever tie the knot with someone after that. But then things changed. First, she had lost that little boy in her ER. And then shortly after, she had reconnected with her dad, only to lose him three months later. But with his passing it seemed that the shroud had been lifted and she saw things differently.

  It was time. Time for her not to go through life jaded. For her to not let her past keep her from both enjoying the little things and taking risks. It was time to give commitment a chance. Something a man like Brennan McGinnis most likely wasn’t interested in. Five days ago she had found herself in his kitchen stitching him up for the second time. When he had asked her to dinner, she had given him the lame excuse that she didn’t date patients. He knew it was bullshit, but the lie came pouring out so easily. The fact of the matter was he sounded off every alarm, checked every box. She knew men like him. Smooth, sexy, charming as fuck, and probably incredible in bed. In another life she would have said yes, let him fuck her brains out and bask in the afterglow. But now? She wanted more.

  “If you already have plans tonight, then maybe Saturday? If you’re off, that is… because I am… completely free, not on the schedule…”

  Jeff was cute and so was his personality. He didn’t give her butterflies like Brennan was capable of doing, but butterflies were overrated, right? “Saturday would be great,” she said.


  Jeff’s jaw nearly touched the floor. “Yeah, Saturday, sure. Pick you up around six?”

  “Sounds perfect.” They exchanged phone numbers and then he flashed her a smile that took over his entire face. “Well, I better get moving. Have a patient to see,” she said.

  “Yeah, me too. Okay, great, see you soon!” She smiled as he walked away, but it quickly dissolved into a sigh. She should feel happy. She was moving on, taking that next step, going on a date with a nice guy, but something felt off. Something that made her thoughts constantly go back to a man who was too beautiful for his own good.

  Chapter Four

  Brennan

  “You’re going to be okay, Brennan. Luke’s getting medicine. It will make you better… he promised.” Gabe placed a washcloth on his forehead. It was probably supposed to be cold, but the water within had heated quickly. His fever was so high. Chills seized him and his body trembled. “You need to get better,” Gabe said.

  Pounding erupted from the other room. It hurt his ears. Everything hurt. He was going to die. Maybe it was for the best. Then it would all be over. He would never go hungry again, feel his belly empty. He would never have to watch his mother puke all over herself, witness her stick a needle in her arm and pass out. He would never have to wonder if she was going to come back after one of her ‘vacations,’ as she liked to call them. But more importantly he would never have to watch Warren hurt Luke again. He closed his eyes and wished it all to go away.

  “I’ll be right back, Brennan,” his twin said. Brennan moaned in response. He could hear voices in the other room, Luke’s, Gabe’s… and a man’s. It didn’t belong to Warren. Was it another one of their mother’s boyfriends?

  Please no.

  He felt himself drifting, the voices just echoes now. Then suddenly he was weightless, and a sense of security enveloped him. The last thing he remembered was the man’s voice. Brennan’s sweaty face pressed against a hard chest.

  “I gotcha, son.”

  Brennan fought to open his eyes, but they burned. “Help us,” he whispered.

  The man carrying him wore what looked like a police uniform. “I will, Brennan. I won’t leave you.”

  Brennan set his knife on the cutting board and stared at the mound of garlic he had just chopped. It was before noon, hours until the restaurant would open for dinner, and thankfully he was alone. His prep chefs wouldn’t be in for at least another hour.

  He usually liked this time of the day. Prepping food relaxed him. But for some reason his thoughts had been taken over by memories of that day, the day that had changed everything. What would have happened if he hadn’t come down with strep throat? If his illness hadn’t prompted Luke to go to the CVS on the corner and steal medicine? If Patrick hadn’t followed Luke, an eight-year-old shoplifter, home and discovered them, abandoned, starving and living in filth? He wouldn’t have met Patrick and eventually been adopted by him and his wife Lucrezia and given a second chance at life. He would forever be grateful to them. They had restored his faith, showed him that life was worth living. That it wasn’t better to just fade away.

  But no matter how much they did for him, how they selflessly loved him and his brothers, something was missing. And he had been chasing it, fighting whatever it was for as long as he could remember. Sometimes literally. He had gotten in so many fistfights as a kid, on the playground, at school, even at Sunday mass because he thought a boy in the pew across from his had looked at him funny. As a kid he had had a short fuse and was often the one to throw the first punch. And it had always felt good, the feel of his fist making contact, watching his opponent bleed and cower. When the fight was over, for a few brief minutes he felt happy, satiated. But the euphoria would quickly wear off and his attention would settle on his bruised knuckles, at the kid he had just pummeled, and guilt would consume him. He didn’t like himself in those moments. He didn’t feel like the victor, or strong. He felt weak and pathetic.

  Lucrezia and Patrick had taken him to therapy, but it didn’t help. Mainly because he wouldn’t talk. He didn’t want to tell a stranger why he needed to fight, that he was still so angry about what his mother had done, what she had allowed Warren to do to Luke. It didn’t matter that his mother and Warren had gotten caught up in a drug deal gone wrong and were found dead shortly after Patrick found him and his brothers and were no longer a threat. The only thing that seemed to curb his need to beat kids’ faces into a pulp was his mounting desire to please his new parents. The disappointment, the worry he would see in their eyes every time he got in a fight wore him down over time, calming the beast inside of him. He chilled out even more when he discovered girls and cooking, two distractions that for years had quelled his restless soul. But they were no longer enough. Something was missing in his life, something that money could not buy, fighting couldn’t fix and cooking couldn’t solve.

  Brennan prepared a few dozen crab cakes and placed them in the fridge. He cleaned up his station, knowing that it would be a mess again in an hour or so when his staff would arrive and continue from where he left off. Typically, he would stay on and prep right alongside them, but he needed to get out of there. For some reason he felt like he was going to crawl right out of his skin.

  He hopped in his truck and made his way to Gabe’s house in Avalon. It was only one town over, but halfway there he remembered that his brother and Devan were going away for the weekend and that Jack would be having a sleepover at his cousin’s. Something that resembled jealousy ripped through him.

  No one was happier for Gabe, that he had found a woman who he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with than Brennan, but he couldn’t deny it. He envied Gabe, which shocked him. Because he had been confident that he would never want that for himself. A relationship, marriage. Yes, he had grown up watching Patrick and Lucrezia, saw how beautiful marriage could be, but he swore he would never go down that road. He broke out into a sweat just thinking what would be asked of him if he ever did get close to someone. She would expect him to bare it all, every demon, every weakness, every fear, every ugly thought. And that scared the shit out of him. How had Gabe and Luke been able to do it, find the courage to just let go and let someone in?

  God, he hoped his brother hadn’t left yet for his weekend getaway. He needed Gabe to distract him from his thoughts, even if just temporarily. His restaurant would manage without him for a few hours. He had hired a competent sous-chef over a year ago, and to be honest he could run Brennan’s kitchen at this point. Maybe he should take a vacation. But where would he go? The islands? Greece? Italy? He had seen it all, either with family or alone. Fuck, he didn’t want to be alone anymore.

  He pulled up to his brother’s house and checked his watch. Both cars were in the driveway. He knocked on the door several times before it swung open. Instead of encountering a hopped up seven-year-old, itching to get his mind-blowing weekend started, he found a kid who appeared to be close to tears. “Hey, buddy. What’s up?” Brennan stepped inside and shut the door.

  “Max has a fever. Sleepover is cancelled.”

  “Well, that stinks,” Brennan said, following him into the living room. Jack started tinkering with his Legos on the card table, but Brennan could tell that his heart wasn’t really into it.

  Gabe walked into the living room. “Thought I heard your voice,” Gabe said, his grim expression matching Jack’s.

  This weekend was supposed to be Gabe and Devan’s first childless getaway. Something had to be done. Before giving it another thought, Brennan asked, “Did you cancel your reservation at the B&B?”

  “Nope, just about to. Why?” Gabe asked, cell phone in hand.

  “Good. Jack, grab your stuff. We’re going to have our own sleepover, a guys’ weekend.”

  “Really?” Jack asked, his eyes wide.

  “Yep, as long as your mom is okay with it, that is?” Brennan asked, glancing at Gabe.

  “I’m sure it’s fine, but I’ll go ask the boss. Devan!” Gabe shouted as he practically skipped ou
t of the room.

  “Start packing, kid. We have to hit the store, stock up on junk and root beer.”

  “This is going to be great! I love your house! Your TV is enormous. It’s like being in a movie theater. And you live on the beach! Maybe we can have a catch on the beach, or fish?”

  Brennan laughed. “We can do all of that. Now get going.”

  Devan came hustling out of their bedroom, almost clotheslining her son as he ran down the hallway toward his room. “Gabe just told me you offered to watch Jack for the weekend. Are you sure about this?” Her hand settled on her belly as Gabe sidled up beside her.

  “Yep, as long as you’re cool with it, trust me to…”

  “I trust you, Brennan. That’s not it. Don’t you have to work? What about the restaurant?”

  “It’s taken care of. I was planning on taking some time off anyway. Need a break.” Gabe gave him a curious look, the same kind that he had flashed him at the Eagles game last week.

  “Well, then, I guess…”

  “Uncle Brennan, I’m ready,” Jack said, skidding to a stop right in front of him. He could barely see the kid’s face over the sleeping bag and pillow in his arms. A backpack was slung over his shoulders.

  “That was fast,” Brennan said, smiling.

  “I didn’t unpack my bag when I thought I was going to Max’s. I’m all set.”

  “Yep, you sure are.”

  “Thanks, Brennan,” Gabe said, grabbing Devan’s hand. Jack went to his mom and she gave him a kiss and told him to behave. He rolled his eyes, which earned him a stern look from Gabe.

  “Sorry. I’ll behave,” Jack said.

  Gabe bent down and hugged Jack. “Love ya, pal.”

  “You too, Dad.” Brennan watched the exchange and he felt his jaw clench. Jack ran to the door, waiting as patiently as a boy his age could when he knew junk food and root beer awaited him. Brennan walked over and gave Devan a hug.