The Weird in the Wilds

by Deb Caletti

  “Where are the trees in this place? All I see is a great big bunch of water! This is the worst field trip ever!”

  “Oh, Henry! We’re here!” Pirate Girl’s eyes dance with happiness.

  Henry’s heart thuds with excitement. He reaches out to knock on the door, but right then, the door opens. And it’s too joyous for words, because there he is: Henry’s grandfather, Captain Every, the most senior spell breaker alive, the wisest and warmest and most wonderful everything you can imagine, standing there in his crisp blue captain’s uniform, which stretches over his big barrel of a chest. Henry ducks right into the curve of his arm, and Captain Every gives him a kiss on the top of his head, like a perfect cherry on a sundae.

  “What do I see here?” Captain Every booms. His arms are out wide, and they are just the kind of arms you want to run into. Button hops up around the captain’s knees. Grandfather looks at each of the children, even Jason Scrum, wandering around the front garden inside the tidy white fence of the lighthouse.

  “We have a problem,” Apollo says.

  “Yes, yes,” Captain Every says. “I’ve noticed. There’s a long-necked and terribly stinky gerenuk in my yard. However, I also see a bookish young man with a very admirable new pair of spectacles, and a girl pirate with ready pockets, and another girl with a brave warrior on her shirt, and a thin, kind boy without a coat on a cold fall day, and a devoted little dog who understands how important it is to be a good friend. I must say, this is the most beautiful collection of weirdness any man could ever hope to find on his front porch. Come in, children. This calls for a celebration.”

  CHAPTER 6

  A Delicious Reunion

  Wait,” Pirate Girl asks. “What about him?” She hooks her thumb toward Jason Scrum, who is rubbing his smelly head on a rock. “Does he get to come in, too?”

  “Of course not!” Grandfather says, to Henry’s great relief. “How could we bear the smell? And I never, ever let a bully into my home.”

  Jo flings her arms around Captain Every’s wide middle. Henry does the same. They all feel the kind of joy you do when a large and powerful grown-up says just the thing you need to hear.

  “But what if he wanders off?” Apollo asks. He lowers his voice, even though they are safer at Grandfather’s than anywhere else. “I mean, we’re here because we all got that strange, strong feeling that we must help him.”

  “If he wanders off, he wanders off! Bullies aren’t the most sensible sort. In fact, most of the time they’re great big dum-dums, or they wouldn’t be bullies at all. Did I already remark on those handsome new glasses, dear boy? My, they are quite a pair. Did I ever tell you about my good friend Commander Paolo Dupaul? Before he got his specs, his vision was so fuzzy, he saw two of everything. Two anacondas, two battleships, two Uncle Edwards.”

  Two Uncle Edwards

  “How annoying!” Jo says.

  “Two pyramids, two treasure chests, two drowning sailors! Even if there was only a single entendre in front of him, he saw double entendres!”

  “What’s an entendre?” Apollo asks.

  “Treasure chests?” Pirate Girl asks.

  “Why, once he even—”

  “Big!” Down the short path from the keeper’s house, the door of the lighthouse springs open, and The Beautiful Librarian pops out. “You didn’t tell me the children were here!”

  “I was just about to, my darling, the minute we stepped inside, away from that stinky bully.”

  “Ugh, yes. I see him or, rather, smell him. Quite right,” she says. The Beautiful Librarian, well, obviously she’s very beautiful, with her elaborate hairdo, sprayed to perfection, and her own pair of serious glasses perched on her nose, and a shimmery dress the shimmery orange color of autumn itself. But better than her beauty is the way she lifts Henry practically right up off his feet in order to hug and kiss him, something he never stops finding incredible, since this never happens to him at home. Another spectacular thing about The Beautiful Librarian is her great intelligence and the very special something she watches over in that lighthouse. Henry catches only a glimpse of it as she slips out the door and closes it behind her. It’s a place that never stops being shivery-amazing, the kind of amazing that takes your breath away. A place he can’t wait to see again.

  You may have noticed another remarkable thing, the same remarkable thing Henry has. “How did you already know, Grandfather, that the gerenuk is actually a bully? I mean, before we even told you?”

  “Why, his abnormally long neck, of course, and his bulgy eyes, and his rather lovely, I must admit, eyelashes, and the terrible stench that clouds around him like a fart after a big burrito.”

  Pirate Girl begins to giggle, and then they all must pause and giggle for a moment, naturally. In spite of the great danger they’re in, in spite of the despicable state of their world, one must always stop to laugh. In fact, if they were not giggling at something so hilarious, it might be cause for alarm.

  Now, though, as they walk farther into Grandfather’s house, Henry and the others notice a smell that is most definitely not terrible. It’s the very opposite of terrible, a smell that is wonderful and delicious, one that practically lifts you up into a warm hug, same as The Beautiful Librarian’s. Maybe one of the best smells in the world—the smell of something baking. Warm butter, sweet browning sugar, every sort of spirit-rising goodness. Henry realizes that the bully’s condition is not all that Grandfather somehow knew before it actually happened. He was expecting them, as he always seems to, even before they arrived.

  The smell pulls them straight to the dining room, where all of their mouths drop open, even Button’s.

  “Holy Houdini,” Pirate Girl says, and indeed, it seems as if some great magic has just been performed, because an absolute feast is spread out on the table. Henry sees plates of scones with jam, and plates of jam with scones. He sees melons artfully arranged, and Clam Hideaways, and a Five-Tier of Beef. He sees a tray of refreshing beverages and a fine cake on a large doily, and even six dishes that cannot be identified.

  “Wow,” Jo says as Apollo rubs his hands together in glee.

  “Well, have a seat and dig in,” Grandfather says, “as we discuss the tragic events that have brought us together again.”

  Six Dishes That Cannot Be Identified

  CHAPTER 7

  A Sad Secret

  And just like that, poof! Jason Scrum became a gerenuk,” Pirate Girl explains, with a bit of whipped cream on her cheek. “Though I didn’t even know there was such a thing until today.”

  By the time Pirate Girl reaches the end of the story, The Beautiful Librarian has polished off two scones and a Clam Hideaway, and Jo has had seconds of Dish Four. Button’s own bowl has been licked clean. The something on Dish Six, which was buttery and tart and sweet all at once, still melts on Henry’s tongue. Oh, it’s so wonderful being at his grandfather’s house, where his tummy is full and satisfied instead of empty and howling, just like the wind is now.

  “That is absolutely awful,” The Beautiful Librarian says. “That he is such a meanie, I mean. Please pass the scones.” Jo slides them her way, plucking one from the plate first.

  Henry sips the last slurp from his straw, licks the slippery saltiness from one finger and the sticky sweetness from another. Apollo jabs his fork right into the remaining bits of the second Tier of Beef. Pirate Girl makes an empty clamshell clack like a castanet. Finally, The Beautiful Librarian finishes her meal and tosses her napkin to her plate.

  “Let’s get down to the business at hand, shall we?” she says.

  “Ah yes,” Grandfather sighs. “Turning the bully back into a boy.”

  “But why, Captain Every? Why do we have to try to turn him back into a boy?” Apollo asks, pushing his dish away. His glasses are tilted on his nose from all the reaching and grabbing. “We each got the strong feeling that this is one of the spells
we must break, just as you told us we would, but none of us really want to help. It seems like a lot of trouble for a bully.”

  Henry nods after Apollo speaks. It’s the very thing he was thinking. They all look toward Henry’s wise grandfather for an answer.

  Grandfather wipes his mouth with his napkin. “Ah,” he says. There’s a long, long silence, where all they hear is the clock tick tocking in the living room, and Button snoring beneath the table, and the waves crashing outside. Grandfather clears his throat. “Well . . . ahem. My darling, might you explain?”

  “Yes, um,” The Beautiful Librarian says. She brushes scone crumbs from her dress. “It is difficult to comprehend. There aren’t always immediate answers to why one must do what one must do. Sometimes we only find out later. But adventures always bring us to exciting, unexpected places.”

  Exciting, Unexpected Places

  “Well said, darling.”

  “I don’t understand,” Pirate Girl says. She sets her crumpled napkin beside her plate. Her Clam Hideaway castanet gapes silently.

  “Precisely!” Captain Every says. “You don’t understand until you do understand. We must do the what before we see the why.”

  “But Jason Scrum is horrible,” Pirate Girl goes on. “He’s always calling everyone weird. He says the way I dress is weird. The way I wear my hair. How I carry a pocketknife everywhere. I love my pocketknife. It hurts my feelings.”

  “Ugh, how hurtful,” The Beautiful Librarian agrees. “Yuck.”

  “He said my glasses were weird,” Apollo says. The memory makes Apollo’s face squinch with upset. He blinks hard so he doesn’t cry. “He always calls me a bookworm. He makes fun of me for having the answers and for reading all the time.”

  The Beautiful Librarian gasps. “For reading all the time? For being intelligent? What nonsense.”

  “He’s called me weird hundreds of times. Because of my clothes. And because I’m too thin. Because I’m quiet and shy sometimes,” Henry says. He’s shy a lot of times. Most times. Even remembering Jason’s mean words makes Henry bite the edge of his thumb with sadness. “He teases me whenever we have to play dodgeball.”

  “Grr. This is making me madder and madder,” The Beautiful Librarian says, and Grandfather just shakes his head as if there are too many baffling things rolling around in it.

  Jo hasn’t said a thing, Henry realizes. And now, when he looks over at her, he sees tears rolling down her cheeks. It’s awful.

  “Are you okay, Jo?” Pirate Girl asks. She scoots a saucer of jam out of the way to take Jo’s hand. Even Button wakes from her nap and emerges from under the table. She stares at Jo with her soulful eyes, because dogs are highly sensitive and especially kindhearted creatures.

  “I . . .”

  “It’s okay, Jo,” Henry says, though he doesn’t know if this is actually true. There is a lot that is definitely not okay.

  “Tell us what’s wrong,” Pirate Girl says.

  “Jason has always made fun of me. Mostly for liking math. He says girls aren’t good at math.”

  “Ludicrous! I am a whiz at long division,” The Beautiful Librarian says. “Fractions and geometry, too!”

  “It gets worse, though. Way worse. Because . . .” Jo puts her head in her hands. Her voice is so low and muffled, Henry has to lean carefully toward her to make out the words. “I didn’t even want to tell anyone about this. But he teases me and teases me about my mom and Becky. ‘Your mom likes a gir-rrl.’ No! My mom loves Becky, and I love my mom, and Becky, and our whole family. It makes me feel awful.”

  Poor Jo can barely speak. Seeing her cry like this, her shoulders going up and down in sorrow . . . a giant swell of sadness rises up in Henry, but so does a big wave of fury. He loves Jo’s mom and Miss Becky, too. Isabelle Idár has the nicest brown eyes, with smile crinkles at their corners. When she looks at Henry, when she looks at all of them, it’s like she’s proud, even if they’re not doing anything special at all. And Miss Becky . . . anytime Henry has ever walked past Creamy Dreamy Dairy, she’s doing something thoughtful—helping Miss Red from the bookstore pick out a cheese, or giving Vic Chihuahua two extra eggs with his dozen. Henry is so upset. He’s heartsick, like when you find a magnificent creature washed up on the beach.

  A Magnificent Creature Washed Up on the Beach

  “And now my mom and Becky are having a celebration of love in two days. In the farthest corner of Huge Meadow, at the golden hour of twilight. The safest and most hidden place at the most beautiful time there is, and I’ve barely been able to talk about it,” Jo cries.

  “A celebration of love?” Apollo asks. “Is that like a wedding?”

  “Kind of. My mom doesn’t want to get married. But they want to celebrate their love and being a family, and it’s hard for me to even be as happy as I should be, because Jason Scrum has been so mean.”

  Grandfather Every leans forward, his elbows on the table. “Excuse me, my child, but I think I must have misheard. Did you say that the boy was cruel about love?”

  Jo nods.

  “Despicable,” The Beautiful Librarian says.

  “Wait. I must be mistaken,” Grandfather says. He tilts his head and sticks a finger in one ear as if he has water in it. He rubs his eyes as if they’re cloudy. “I thought I heard you say that the boy was cruel about love! And then when I asked you if this was true, I was quite positive you nodded! Which is ridiculous, of course. No one would make fun of the greatest, most powerful, most enchanted and important thing we have in the universe, greater even than light and knowledge.”

  “I did say that, though. I did nod. Jason Scrum told me it was wrong and weird so many times that he almost made me believe it.”

  “Cruel about love!” Grandfather says.

  Now something extraordinary and fantastic but also somewhat frightening occurs. Grandfather Every slams both palms on the table, making the dishes and glasses tremble. His face turns red. Not a regular red, but the fiery-hot shade of the sun. He pushes his chair back and stands. His chest fills until the buttons of his jacket look like they might pop. He clutches his heart. For a moment, Henry is filled with a terrible worry, because he has never seen his grandfather like this.

  “Big?” The Beautiful Librarian says. Her face is concerned, too. “Are you all right? Is it your heart?”

  “OF COURSE I AM NOT ALL RIGHT!” he booms. “OF COURSE IT’S MY HEART! THIS IS A TRAVESTY!”

  “A travesty indeed,” The Beautiful Librarian says.

  “Cruel about love! Who on earth would be that horrible? No one! That is preposterous! That is outrageous! That is almost beyond belief! Why, cruelty about love—that’s a crime against our majestic universe and our natural world! Our very humanity! All the mysteries and splendors of life on earth!”

  All the Mysteries and Splendors of Life on Earth

  Grandfather shakes his head again. “Cruelty about love.”

  Henry has so often seen his father’s face turn red, and his mother’s voice boom, that he immediately feels that same cringing inwardness, that same anxiety, and the curve of his back begins to sink into his chair. Just as it does, though, Grandfather notices him.

  “Oh, Henry,” he says more softly. “Henry, my boy.” He sits back down and takes Henry’s hand and gives it a squeeze, and Henry realizes that this is the same grandfather he’s always known. “I’m not angry at any of you here. I’m angry about the dark and nasty side of human nature! We should all be angry about that.” It’s hard for Henry to take this in—that sometimes, anger is the right thing.

  “Jason Scrum has made us all feel bad and wrong and weird. Do you see why we don’t want to break this particular spell, Captain Every?” Apollo says.

  “Yes, yes, indeed I do. And now I see why you have to try.”

  CHAPTER 8

  A Place of Marvel and Wonder
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  Grandfather rises again, and almost before Henry can blink, the great captain and The Beautiful Librarian are hurrying through that wonderful living room with the fireplace and the mermaid statue and the captain’s chair with the embossed anchor on the back. The children follow, through the open door, and then to the front garden, where Henry can see the beach and the whitecaps of the waves beyond.

  On the path to the lighthouse, Grandfather is walking so fast that it’s hard for everyone except Button to keep up. The Beautiful Librarian is rushing along right beside him.

  “Have you noticed the timing of this spell, Big?” Henry hears her ask him. “Just as that lunatic is going on about walls, walls, walls.”

  “With Avar Slaven, it was—”

  “A chain-link fence, with barbed wire at the top,” The Beautiful Librarian says, her head bent toward his. “I thought we’d never return to that vile time in our history, but the evil is amping up.”

  “Degree by putrid degree,” Grandfather says. “The poor children. Things are getting worse and worse.”

  “Are there any postcards in this place?” Jason Scrum says, wandering upright around the lawn. “The least I should get is a key chain.”

  “What will we have to do to break the spell, Captain Every?” Apollo asks, practically running. “Will we be home before dinner?”

  “I can’t be gone long!” Jo says. “My mother’s celebration is on Saturday. I can’t miss it.”

  “Are you thinking of Mr. Chester White Pig?” Henry hears The Beautiful Librarian ask Captain Every.

  “Yuck! I’d forgotten all about that swine. No. I was thinking of the Reverend Monoxide.”

  “That awful man who turned invisible? We were happy to see him gone, so that seems quite close, but I’m not sure.”