by K. M. Liss
I'd been on the edge of suicide. That's how bad I felt. I suffered in silence for over four years and became a shadow of my former bubbly self. My mother dying so painfully and having to deal with my stepfather's sexual abuse was more than I could take.
“It changed me inside, Fin. I was morbid... if you know what I mean? Like really bad. I started to self harm. After mum died, he started to abuse me more and more. Verbally. Physically. Sexually. He blamed me for everything that went wrong. Didn't have a nice word for me. And then one day, I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't remain in the house with him or I'd do something stupid, like kill him or myself. And I couldn't allow that to happen. I wanted him to suffer somehow. He deserved to suffer, like he'd made me suffer. I wanted him to worry about the past coming back to get him for the rest of his life. So I packed my school bag and disappeared with five hundred quid from my savings account. You know I actually thought it would be easy to get a job and my life would be so much better without him around…I was so naïve. I never dreamed that I'd find myself living on the streets... all because of him...” I stopped and drew a deep breath. All the hatred and misery of my past swirled around inside me in a maelstrom. “How could he do that to me... and to my mum, Fin?” Tears trickled down my cheeks. Finlay wiped them away with a finger. He'd listened to my account silently, with a grim expression on his face.
“I dunno. But I tell ya, my blood's boiling – I wanna kill him – go rip his balls off, the evil fucking bastard!” He suddenly pressed me hard to his chest and cupped my head into his neck protectively.
“I used to feel like that, until I blotted it out. That's the way I dealt with it, I pretended it didn't happen.” My throat constricted tightly with emotion, but I pushed through it. “I'd never liked Edward much from the start. I sensed something 'off'-kilter' about him long before the abuse started. When we were alone, he was too friendly, too touchy feely, and when mum around he was very hands off, sometimes distant and cold. But he used to stare at me all the time, Fin – I mean, really stare. Inappropriately. Anyway, I've blocked him from my mind now. Can't even remember what he looks like and that's the truth.” I pulled away to look at Finlay. “You know just before Mum died... she told me to look after Edward for her. Be a good girl for him, she said. I was so sick about that. Good girl? I mean, fuck looking after Edward, he can roast in hell for all I care! She didn't know, I'm sure of it. Not a clue about what was happening under her nose. And now I can't bear to think of her up there... looking down at me right now and possibly knowing all that happened. And seeing what's happened to me. She must be turning in her grave.”
Finlay stroked my wet face with his fingers.
“I'm sure your mum's proud of how brave you were. You walked away from the monster she never knew. He fooled her well and good, didn't he? And being on the street's not gonna last forever.”
“Maybe I should have gone to the police? But I was so scared. He was a solicitor, he knew the law, he had the upper hand. And I was … well ... I couldn't prove anything, could I? It was my word against his.” I started to sob, remembering how helpless I'd felt, and how outraged and desperate a time it was. I couldn't stop the flood, and with it all my years of pent up misery came tumbling out like a waterfall. It wasn't like I hadn't cried over it all before, I had done that many times. But this time it was therapeutic, they were tears of relief that I'd finally told someone.
“Aww, sweetheart, shush... shush...” he wiped the sea of tears away from my face with the sheet and kissed my forehead. “Look - you did the right thing for you. Like I did for me. I've never told anyone any of this stuff. You're the first real friend I've had who I can talk to. You know that?”
Then he kissed my face, soaked with my tears.
“Same here... I've had girl friends... but never told them this. I couldn't bear … anyone knowing... you know?” I sobbed between my heaving breaths.
“Yeah, I get you only too well.”
He tipped my chin up.
Just one look at his concerned, handsome face and my sobs started to subside. I didn't want to waste time with him dwelling on the past and crying a second more over it. I'd said my piece, shared my troubles and now I was going to move on.
I snuggled down against him.
“I'm so glad we've found each other. I love you, you know?” I said bravely.
He stroked my hair. “Yeah. I know. I love ya too. You're my best girl. You always will be.”
Best girl?
I wasn't sure what that meant – or how he really loved me. As a friend or a girlfriend? But I was quite sure how I loved him. An all consuming passionate kind of love. I was sure I'd find out everything he felt too. Eventually. Now that we'd started to open up.
I yawned and snuggled up to him contentedly. My mind felt so much lighter. My heart was open and warmed with our understanding.
“We should think about getting some sleep, shouldn't we?” I suggested.
“Yeah, we should. I'm dog tired, no kidding.” He chuckled and kissed my head again. “Close those eyes. Sleep tight, Princess.”
For a while I listened to his familiar little snuffles and grunts. I started to relax and drift off to sleep, in the safe circle of his arms. My head was on his chest absorbing the steady thrum of his heart. I loved him so completely. I ached inside, I loved him so much. Finlay moaned in his sleep, muttering something intelligible and a bittersweet smile rose on my lips. Just for tonight I could pretend he was dreaming of me, and me alone.
I'd never forget this amazing night. Never.
Chapter 6
So far we’d not mentioned what had happened between us the night before. It was his decision if it happened again. I wouldn't ever push things or pressure him into doing something he didn't want. Were we to be friends or lovers? I already knew what I wanted. And I hoped he wanted me just as much. But it would have to be exclusive. How that could work, in his line of business, I wasn’t sure. It meant getting another job and that was a bit of a problem.
There we stood, in the RSPCA charity shop, and I had a little bit of tummy ache. My own fault, granted, as I'd been a pig. Basically, we'd both had a stomach and a half of full English for breakfast just over an hour ago. I don't think I'd ever eaten four sausages, three toast, five bacon and three fried eggs in one sitting before. I was encouraged by Finlay to get it down me, to fatten me up, and I amazed myself how much I could actually sink. Now my shrunken stomach was protesting loudly at being stretched like a balloon.
I tried to ignore the grumbles as we browsed the racks of coats. This was the third shop so far and there hadn't been much of interest on the coat front.
“What about this one? Looks kinda new,” Finlay said, holding up a black duffel coat which was lined in a Burberry style check.
“Mmm, now that's much more my thing.” I took it from him and looked it over. My eyes widened when I saw the name tag. “Fin, look, this is a real Burberry.”
“Ssshhh… I know. Try it on.”
I slipped it over my jumper and it fit like a dream. It was padded and felt so warm, I admired myself in the mirror, trying out the hood with its cream fur trim. I subtly glanced at the price tag pinned on the sleeve. Five pounds fifty wasn’t too expensive for a Burberry.
“Oh yeah, that one's definitely got your name on it.” Finlay stood cross armed, smiling, cocking his head to one side.
He picked up the price tag, and his face was expressionless.
I really, really wanted this coat. I loved it. It was a world apart from the others we'd seen. I prayed he had enough cash left to buy it for me.
“Please may I have it?” I asked him, trying not too sound too desperate.
“Course... it's yours already. And these too.” He loaded my arm with two pairs of jeans and a soft grey sweater.
“No. I can’t take all these. Just the coat.”
“Your gear’s had it. You need new things. All Size 8, right?”
I sighed, torn. He was right. My jeans and sweatshirt wer
e the pits.
“Okay…” I agreed, “but I’m paying you back.”
“Whatever.”
He playfully pushed me to the counter and paid the blue rinsed old dear manning the till the twelve pounds fifty bill. As I walked out of the shop I felt euphoric. My feet were floating above the ground. I took such pleasure in the nice little things that happened. Things that may not have mattered before, meant so much to me now. Bubble bath, soap, jeans, sweet little check-lined coats. All wrapped up in the warmth of Finlay’s love. The world had suddenly become a much better place. I kissed Finlay's cheek in appreciation, and linked my arm through his as we walked off down the road.
And he didn’t stop there. After the coat he bought my eyes a gift too. A brand new mascara and eyeliner. I was overjoyed to get that as mine had been stolen with the rest of my gear. My eyes felt naked without mascara on. I'd rather go bra-less than mascara-less. After putting a good few layers on, and rimming my eyes with liner, I could actually say hello to my eyes again. What an improvement it made. Tucking the both in my pocket I vowed to treasure these two items for ever.
At that moment, I felt like a queen on the arm of my king.
It started to drizzle with rain. We crossed the road and entered a small, upmarket arcade. It was covered by a glass roof and sheltered us from the weather. A delicious scent emanated from The Real McCoy, a proper coffee shop, where they roasted and ground their own beans.
“Mmm, I miss coffee and tea so much, don't you?” I murmured. I'd had a cup of each in the restaurant that morning and they'd reawakened my taste for it. I remembered getting cups of coffee from Costa and Starbucks with Mum. She was a die-hard coffee lover. A double shot of Espresso was her tipple. Nothing less than the strongest brew.
But Finlay didn't answer my question. He suddenly stopped dead in his tracks in the middle of the arcade. As my arm was linked through his, I jerked to a stop alongside him.
“Oh no...” he whispered.
“Fin, what is it?” I asked. But still he didn't answer. His face was as white as a sheet and a muscle twitched in his cheek. It was like he was in shock, or seen a ghost or something. I followed the line of his gaze to an approaching man. He wore a full length trench coat, which was left open and loose, sweeping around him like a black cloud. He was good looking, possibly late twenties or early thirties, although I wasn't too good with ages.
“Whatever I say, just go along wiv it, okay?” Finlay said.
“Why, what's going on?”
“Just do it for me... please?” Finlay snapped, removing my arm from his.
“Fine,” I replied, very huffily.
The guy stopped in front of us. I stared at his handsome face with fascination. He had such perfectly trimmed facial hair, which accentuated the angles of his face, and his hazel eyes were large and expressive. But he wore a frown. A deepening frown.
“Good morning, Finlay,” he said in a cultured tone of voice.
“Yeah, mornin' Robert,” Finlay replied.
I hoped Finlay would introduce me, but he didn’t.
“Out for a walk, I see?”
“Yep, what about you?”
“I'm visiting my mother for coffee. I’ll take you to meet her soon.”
My mind was processing the relationship and the familiarity. Was this just an acquaintance or one of his clients? And why did Fin need to meet Robert’s mother?
“Don’t she have Chinese cats or something?”
Robert sighed and rolled his eyes. “Not Chinese, Fin… They’re Burmese. And they’re quite beautiful creatures. They have the most amazing snow white coats. Do you like cats?”
“No, I’m kinda allergic. I’m more a dog sort. Well don't let us keep you from the fur balls. I'll speak to ya later.” Finlay obviously felt uncomfortable with the situation, or with me being there and made to leave, but Robert held him back with a hand on his arm.
“There’s no rush. I’ll arrange for you to meet my mother somewhere else, in a cat-free environment. But Fin - about you ignoring my calls and my texts. I was becoming worried about you. Didn't you consider that? The whole point of buying you a phone was so that I could get in touch, at any time, was it not?”
He BOUGHT him a phone?
“Sorry, but I was busy. We were having a little get together, for Kate's birthday. The music was loud and the phone was on silent. We had a few drinks and well ... you know...”
Robert looked me over coldly, briefly and dismissively.
“Oh I see. And I guess this is your flatmate Kate? The one you were having such noisy fun with?”
I didn't like his tone, or the way he was looking down his nose at me. What kind of lies had Finlay fed Robert about our situation. And why?
I glared at Finlay and he glared back at me.
“Yeah, that's right, and it was really noisy. But strangely parties often are,” I replied, playing the game for Finlay's sake, but feeling very confused and concerned over the role I was playing.
“I expect you were making the most of spending time with him, weren't you? I guess you'll miss him terribly when he leaves?” Robert said, his eyes narrowing whilst they studied mine.
When he leaves ...?
Had I heard that right? All the blood rushed from my head, as I reeled in shock. I didn't know what to think.
He was lying. Finlay wouldn't leave me. No, he wouldn't do that. He couldn’t do that.
“Kate's been a bit down since I told 'er,” Finlay said, shuffling his feet on the spot. He couldn't look at me, and the knife of truth sliced through my heart. “'Cos as you know were close mates. Shame you had to bring it up again, Robert. Thanks a bunch for that.” His continuing affirmation stung me.
“Well I'm sorry to hear that, Kate. But that's life for you. Full of surprises. Some good, some bad.” Robert smiled at me almost triumphantly.
Finlay had the nerve to put his arm round my waist and he hugged me close, but I stiffened with hurt and pulled away from his side. I wanted to slap his face. To make him admit he was making this up – but I already knew he wasn't.
Now Finlay's behaviour was starting to make sense. All those treats. The night in the hotel. The sex feast. The pretty birthday gifts. The clothes. The coat. The mascara. All those things were the result of a guilty conscience. Because he already knew he was leaving me.
“Look, I'll see ya later Robert, okay. Call ya in a bit. I'm spending some time with Kate today if ya don't mind?”
Robert looked at his watch. “Okay. And I’d better go too. You’re meeting me at my place at four remember? There’s lots more to do before we go.”
“Don’t worry, I'll be there.”
Their words ricocheted around my head, pounding painfully at my temples. This was a bad dream. A terrible, terrible nightmare.
My heart started to thump and I shook with shock and disbelief as they hugged each other and Finlay placed a soft kiss on Robert's offered cheek. Their easy affection was plain to see. That hurt me more than I could ever say.
“Fin, don't be late. We have some special dinner guests tonight, and they’re dying to meet you.”
“Really?” Fin looked very uncomfortable at the prospect.
“Aha.” Robert placed a hand on my arm briefly. “It's been lovely to finally meet you, Kate... To put a face to the name.” Then he turned back to Finlay. “Okay... ciao for now, darling.”
“Yeah, ciao. Sweet.”
Robert swept off, the expensive scent of his cologne trailing in his wake, his long coat tails swishing around his buckled boots.
I turned to Finlay with tears now brimming in my eyes.
“You're leaving me ... for him?”
“Honestly, I was gonna tell ya about it later. He asked me a week ago and I didn't wanna spoil things – not with your birthday coming up and all that.”
“Oh how thoughtful,” I said, my voice dripping in hurt and sarcasm. “So tell me – where are you going?”
“The States, New York. He's an artist and I dunno h
ow the hell it happened... but apparently I'm his inspiration, a muse or somethin' like that.”
“New York?” I squeaked, my throat constricting so tightly I couldn't breathe. “For how long?”
“Months maybe. I dunno yet.”
My heart died a little more. “It's serious then?”
“It's not serious in the way you mean. I don't love 'im. But I've known him quite a while; we're good mates. Look Kate, how the hell could I say no to that kind of offer? Could you?”
“I don't … fucking ... know...” I held my head in my hands.
“You're upset. And I get that. Let's go sit in the coffee shop and I'll get you a drink and and we can discuss everything. There's important things I need to tell ya. Ways I can help ya.” He grabbed at my arm.
But I was so hurt at being abandoned by my one and only true friend, I shrugged him off. The one I felt closest to in the whole world, the one whom I'd only just revealed my deepest darkest secrets to, was about to disappear. It was more than cruel, it was the devil's torture. I was almost panic stricken inside thinking of my future on the streets, living without him by my side. I couldn't think even straight. And there was no way I could possibly chat about it over a vanilla latte. “No, I don't want to sit and discuss everything. What's to discuss? You're going, aren't you?”
“Yes, but―”