First Chances

by Kant, Komal

  Philip’s words silenced me. Not knowing what to say, I simply shrugged.

  I think he felt as though he’d made his point, because he gave me a slow smile—which reminded me of someone else—before stepping aside. “Have a good night, Hadie. I hope to see you next time.”

  He said this as though he expected me not to come back. I gave him a tight smile in return and headed outside, wondering how he maintained his cool so well. Was it because he was used to people coming in not wanting to be there? Had he dealt with a lot of problem cases? Was I a problem case?

  Embarrassment washed over me as I stepped outside. I had never been a problem for anyone. I was a good girl. I was always polite to everyone. Was I-

  “Agh!” I cried as I slammed straight into someone standing outside in the darkness.

  Two hands clamped down on each of my shoulders to steady me. I gazed up into Eddie’s handsome face. Eddie. Of course it was Eddie. It was always Eddie.

  “I’m sorry,” I mumbled, trying to force myself to move away from him.

  Except my body didn’t really want to. My body was kind of liking the way his fingers grazed against my shirt. In fact, I could stare into his brown-green eyes all night.

  Luckily, he released me and cleared his throat. “It’s fine.”

  There was an awkward silence; one that I was desperate to break. Maybe Eddie and I could be friends without any other feelings creeping in. Being this close to him, the way he affected me, it was hard to ignore the way my body responded to his.

  God, what was wrong with me? I was the one who had limited our relationship and now I was the one who couldn’t control her feelings. My mind was completely out of whack.

  “Uh, um, what’s that Michael guy’s story?” I blurted out, not knowing how else to start a conversation with him.

  Eddie released a sigh into the night air, his breath smoking in the cold. “Maybe if you cared to talk to any of us then you would find out.”

  My eyes searched his as I struggled to push through his curtness. Eddie Cavallari was one of the nicest guys I knew; for him to act this way towards me was like stepping into an alternate universe.

  This was not the nice guy I knew. This was not the nice guy I was used to.

  “Eddie.” My voice broke a little, but still his expression was austere. “I know I’ve been doing stupid things lately. I know I’ve been pushing everyone away, pushing you away. I’ve been self-absorbed, caught up in my own whirlwind of darkness and destruction, but please don’t turn me away. I need someone, Eddie. I need a friend.”

  I had expected Eddie’s mask of coldness to fall apart at my words. I had expected sympathy to replace his stern demeanor. The one thing I hadn’t expected was to make things worse. He looked even angrier now.

  “You know what?” He brought his head closer to mine, his forehead creased with deep lines. “Did you ever think that maybe I don’t wanna be your friend?”

  A cry caught in my throat. His words slammed into me heavily. How could he say that? I thought he of all people would understand what I was going through.

  “I-I.” I took a step back as my head started to spin.

  “Maybe I don’t wanna be your friend,” he repeated, placing his hands on either side of me on the wall. “Maybe I want to be more than that.”

  I actually stopped breathing then. The intense look in Eddie’s beautiful eyes was captivating, dangerous; something about it was weaving its way into my heart.

  For the first time in a long time fear shot through me. I had been guarding myself against this feeling for a long time, yet here was Eddie so easily bringing it out in me.

  And a part of me had been eagerly awaiting this for a long time.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Eddie

  Hadie was staring up at me like I was a complete stranger.

  Honestly, I felt like a goddamn stranger. I didn’t speak to people like that, especially not Hadie. But this was how frustrated I was when it came to her. I was frustrated and heartbroken, and stupid for not being able to move on.

  But a promise to a dead boy kept me holding on. I would not let that promise become a hollow lie.

  I wanted to kiss her so badly right then and there, and a part of me had a feeling she would have let me. The way her body was angled towards mine, her partially closed eyes, and the way her mouth was parted told me that she did want me.

  But the rejection from yesterday was still fresh in my mind. I would only put my hands on Hadie when she asked me to, and right now she wasn’t exactly admitting to wanting me. Everyone had their expectations and that was mine.

  I dropped my hands from the wall and took a couple of steps away from her. I could see her chest heaving up and down, like she had run a marathon and was trying to catch her breath.

  “What did Lincoln name his dog?” I asked out of nowhere.

  She seemed surprised by my sudden question. It was pretty random, but I had a point to make.

  “Chance.” Hadie didn’t look up as she spoke. Maybe it was because I’d mentioned Lincoln’s name and it was still hard for her to think about him.

  Of course it was still hard. My dirtbag father leaving us still affected me. Lincoln had meant so much to her; it would take her a long time to heal, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t start right now in some small way.

  “Exactly,” I said, moving forward and placing the palms of my hands on her cheeks. “He didn’t name his dog ‘death’ or ‘despair’ or ‘depression’. He named his dog Chance. No matter how hard life kicks you in the face, you always have a chance to pick yourself up and continue living. No matter how bad things are, you always have another chance to make things better.”

  Confusion clouded her face as she stared into my eyes. Her lips parted once again. “I shouldn’t, but I have-” She stopped herself, but a part of me knew what she was going to say.

  Hadie had feelings for me that she was holding back. Feelings that she was trying to fight that resurfaced whenever we were together. I knew; I could sense it, because I was feeling the same way. There was no way I was crazy enough to think this was one sided.

  A thought struck me. Maybe it was a way to get through to her. “You asked about Michael, right? Do you want to know what happened to him?”

  She slowly nodded, curiosity in her eyes. She may not want to read books anymore, but the girl still had a natural love for stories.

  “Michael and his ten-year-old brother, Jonah, lived with their parents. They weren’t a well-off family and struggled with money, but they were a happy. Michael studied hard and was a star athlete in school. His goal was to get a scholarship to play ball in college. Three months ago, his parents both died in a car accident.”

  Hadie gasped, her eyes widening. It was good to see that at least she hadn’t lost her compassion for people.

  I didn’t give her a chance to digest what I’d said; I simply continued. “Michael and Jonah didn’t have any family who could afford to let them live with them, so their only option was a foster home.”

  “But all that would have affected his studying,” she said, her forehead scrunching. “He’s so close to graduating.”

  I nodded. “Michael’s aunt, Monique, took them in temporarily, but she wasn’t earning enough to be able to take care of them and her three kids. What Michael shared today was a big deal. His aunt got a raise which means he and his brother can live with her.”

  “What? Really?” She released a breath, her eyes bright. “So he could still get the scholarship?”

  I nodded again. “In fact, he never stumbled. He kept on moving ahead with his life. Sometimes the only way to move on is to keep living.”

  Her eyes locked with mine, full of fear and a little bit of something else. Something crackled in the air between us; something intangible, something that I couldn’t name. All I knew was it was pulling me towards Hadie like I had never felt before.

  “Um,” she said, deliberately turning her head away from me so that our eye con
tact broke. “My mom’s here.”

  And just like that, she drifted away from me.

  I watched as she hurried to where her mom had pulled up and got inside the car. Once again, Mrs. Swinton rolled down Hadie’s window and waved at me.

  “Eddie! Do you need a ride home?”

  Hadie’s mom was a really nice lady, and I could tell she really liked me. I had a suspicion that she offered to take me home so that Hadie and I would have to spend more time together.

  “Hi, Mrs. Swinton,” I said enthusiastically as I approached the car. “I’m waiting for my cousin, but thank you so much for the offer.”

  Her face fell and she gave Hadie a sidelong look. “How was the support group today?”

  I rubbed my hands together to keep warm from the biting cold, waiting for Hadie to say something.

  She slowly raised her head to look at her mom. “It was okay.”

  “What about you, Eddie?” Mrs. Swinton asked. “Do you find it helpful?”

  I nodded without hesitation. “The way Philip runs the group doesn’t make you feel like someone’s there analyzing you. It just seems like we’re a bunch of friends working out our problems together.”

  “That’s exactly what I hoped for,” she said with a smile. “Maybe Hadie will be able to find people to connect with.”

  “I’m sure she will,” I said. “We’ve all been through a lot together, and it’s been nice having kids my own age to talk to.”

  “That’s wonderful, Eddie,” Mrs. Swinton said, her brow creasing a little as she studied me. I could tell she was trying to figure me out and what my own loss could be.

  It was actually amazing to me that no one in this backwards town had figured out that my dad had run off, probably with another woman. I guess him being in the army was a good cover story.

  “Well, I’ll see you next time Eddie,” Mrs. Swinton said with a wave.

  “Good night, Mrs. Swinton.” I said, returning the wave. Then my eyes fell on Hadie who was staring down at her lap. “Good night, Hadie.”

  She looked up, her face fighting several emotions. “Good night.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Hadie

  The wind whipped around my already messy hair as I got out of my car and hurried across the parking lot towards Halley’s Diner. It was so cold that it felt like my face was about to fall off. Seriously. How did people live in these conditions?

  I knew I lived in these conditions—for my entire life, actually—but it was days like this that I wish I could live somewhere warmer, like Florida. I could totally see myself sitting by the pool in a bikini. People from Florida did that in winter, right?

  Winter in the Midwest was a nightmare, and I hated driving around on the icy roads. It was bad enough when there was rain, snow, and sleet—but add wind into the mixture and the temperature became unbearable.

  The balminess of the diner enveloped me like a warm hug, and my frozen face immediately began to thaw out. I rubbed my icy hands together, wondering why I’d forgotten to wear gloves today. Usually, I was so organized, but you wouldn’t believe it looking at me now.

  I was a total and complete mess—unruly, purple hair; blotchy makeup from crying too much; mismatched flannel and leather outfit.

  Today I’d missed Lincoln a lot. I wasn’t sure why, but I knew that I had to be close to him somehow. In the short time that we had spent together, we’d had a couple of places that had started to feel like “our place”. One of those places was this diner.

  Glancing around, I saw that the booth Lincoln and I had sat at was empty, and I immediately rushed towards it before anyone else could take it. Not that there was anyone else here. The bright green and pink color scheme of the place was enough to ward off anyone. I didn’t know who Halley was, but I was pretty sure she was colorblind.

  “Hi, how are you today?” The waitress approached me just as I slid into the booth.

  Her growing eyes took in my hair as she handed me a menu. I was practically a sideshow act at the circus in this town. No one ever did anything crazy around here, yet here I was with my bright, purple hair.

  I had refused to dye it back to its former underrated brown, and my parents had finally allowed me to keep it this way.

  “I’m great.” Trying not to let her gaze nerve me, I handed the menu right back to her. “I already know what I’d like.”

  “Okay, what can I get you?”

  “Could I please get bread, lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, sliced cheese, sliced ham, mayonnaise, mustard, ketchup?”

  It was a strange request, but it was how Lincoln had convinced me to try something new since I always liked to go through the motions of the same thing. He had taught me a lot about experiencing new things, and that was how I had slowly fallen in love with him.

  “Are you pregnant?” she asked, studying me as though I was crazy.

  I let out a laugh, shaking my head at the absurdity of her remark. You actually had to have sex to be pregnant. “No, it’s just something I did once with a friend.”

  The waitress tilted her head to the side, her eyes growing wide in recognition. “I remember you! You came in here a while back with that really cute guy.”

  At the mention of him, my insides squeezed tight, and I nodded mutely.

  “Is he going to join you?” she asked, not realizing how heavy her words made me feel.

  “Uh, no. He’s out of town,” I lied quickly.

  Why the hell had I just lied? What the freaking hell was wrong with me? I really wanted to believe it was because I didn’t want to get into the subject of his death, but I knew it was more than that.

  “Oh, what a shame,” she said. “Well, I’ll be right back.”

  As she walked off, I stood up abruptly and grabbed my bag.

  It had been a mistake to come here. I could have easily told her the truth—that he was gone—but instead I’d outright denied reality. Was there really something wrong with me the way everyone thought there was? Was that why I needed counseling—because I was mentally imbalanced?

  Without glancing around to see where the waitress was, I bolted out of Halley’s Diner like there was a ghost after me—and in a sad, miserable way, there was.

  I barely noticed the cold as I reached my car and unlocked the door. My body was trembling as I pulled open the door and climbed inside, and I wasn’t sure if it was from the weather or from the realization that no matter how hard I tried to deny it, Lincoln wasn’t coming back.

  With shaky fingers, I pulled my phone out from my bag and messaged the only person who could make me forget Lincoln, even for a brief moment.

  Three.

  ***

  His eyes weren’t the same shade of blue as Lincoln’s, and for some reason it bothered me. They weren’t a hazel-green either, and this bothered me even more.

  His lips didn’t taste the same. His body didn’t feel the same. He didn’t have the familiar scent of pine that I missed.

  And, for the tenth time, all these differences made me pull away from Three, even as his lips sought me in the darkness of my car.

  “No, I can’t,” I slurred, moving away from him. “You don’t smell right.”

  I frowned at the way I sounded. I hadn’t planned on drinking tonight, yet here I was sharing a bottle of Fireball with Three, and letting him put his hands all over me in the backseat of my car.

  Three let out a groan and opened up the door, letting the cold air in. He jumped out and took several steps away from my car and pressed his hands against the back of his head, staring up into the star-filled sky.

  Once again, we’d pulled up at the side of the road, where Lincoln and I had used to come. Something about being in this place made me feel closer to Lincoln, though I was never going to reveal that to Three.

  Unsure if I’d hurt his feelings, I crawled out after him, stumbling a little as my feet touched the ground. I was aware of the cold, but my body was filled with a warm sensation, so it felt good.

  He stood facing aw
ay from me, and I wished I knew how I could fix the situation. He was really nice and I really liked him, but he wasn’t right, somehow. Of course, I couldn’t tell him that because I was probably going to hurt his feelings, and I definitely didn’t want to be a mean pants.

  “Three-” I started to say, but he cut me off.

  “How am I supposed to smell, Hadie?” His voice didn’t sound slurred like mine. Instead, his tone was devoid of the humor it usually had. “I don’t smell like he did, right?”

  “Uh, I,” I stupidly stumbled over my words, trying to figure out how to explain it to him. How could I make him understand a feeling? “It was like, I don’t know, I wasn’t even trying to remember him, but it just kinda-”

  Three turned around, his eyes searching as they met mine. “You’re a cool girl, Hadie, and I like hanging out with you, but if you’re gonna let me kiss you then you gotta know that I want to do more.”

  My heart sank at his words. I liked hanging out with him, too. And the kissing wasn’t bad either, but I was definitely not ready to do more. What Three and I had was not based on the physical—at least not for me—and sex was definitely the last thing on my mind.

  “It’s been a bad day, and all I want to do is forget about it,” I admitted.

  The old Hadie would sit in her room and eat a whole tub of cookie dough ice cream to forget about a problem, but these days ice cream just wasn’t cutting it. I needed something stronger, especially now that this intense conversation with Three was making me sober up.

  “Fine,” he said with a nod, but I wasn’t sure how genuine he was being. “But I can’t sit in the backseat of your car with you. We have to go somewhere else.”

  “Like where?”

  “There’s a bar in Penthill that I like. They have cheap drinks and good music.”

  “Um, I’m not old enough to drink in a bar,” I said, stating the obvious. Neither was he for that matter.