I could see the same desires in his eyes and I felt suddenly, uncontrollably afraid. How could he mean this much to me? How could I be enough for him? What if I disappointed him? What if he began to hate the sight of me? He scared me. In his presence, I scared myself.
In one movement I pushed at his chest and rose to my feet, breathing hard. "You're too dangerous," I said. And I meant it. It couldn't be safe for us to be alone together. Not when our emotions were going to eat us alive.
"Lilly—"
"I can't," I cried. "I don't know you, it's too much—"
Not knowing what else to say, needing to get out of there, I rushed from the cave and clambered down the rocks as quickly as I could without falling or otherwise hurting myself. I'd left my sketchbook behind but I didn't care. I just wanted to be somewhere safe, somewhere I didn't have to meet expectations or deal with a rush of feelings.
Ahaziel, Ahaziel.
It was nearing dark when I reached my house. I ran across the frosted lawn and let myself in. Before Brandt or my mom could talk to me, I enclosed myself in my room and stared through the gaps in my blinds at the darkening street. I wondered if Ahaziel would wait for me to come back to him. Maybe he'd found our encounter as exciting and unsatisfying as I had. Maybe he, too, wanted more, more, more and would count the hours until he could get it.
With flushed cheeks, I closed the blinds and climbed into bed. Pulling the covers over my head, I shut my eyes tightly, determined not to dream of him.
I have to be strong, I vowed. I have to show him I will not succumb.
~
"Lilly, wake up."
Something nudged my leg. I flung the comforter off my face and squinted at my brother. Why was he in my room? Why had he turned on my light?
"What," I croaked, "are you doing?"
"Getting you up for the party, idiot." I must have looked blank because he added, "Austin's party. It's tonight. It's right now. Let's go, dork."
"I was trying to sleep."
"Yeah, I know, you slept through dinner. I told Mom you were sick. But she's in her room so let's get out of here."
I considered the offer. I could see myself at the party, sitting awkwardly among my classmates in Austin's living room, trying to decide whether to drink and how much, thinking of things to say to people that would never pass my lips. Listening to Joy's cruel laugh, her snide comments, and Chris's overly cheerful remarks.
It sounded like exactly the kind of thing I needed to get my mind off Ahaziel.
"Sounds fun," I finally said. I threw off the rest of the comforter and stood up.
"You're still wearing your clothes from today," Brandt said.
"Oh, yeah. Convenient, huh?"
"Well, you might want to consider brushing your hair. You look like you just got electrocuted."
I followed his advice, grabbed a coat, and went to meet him in the car. As I opened the door, I noticed something leaning against the outer wall.
My sketchbook.
I'd left it in the cave with Ahaziel, I remembered. And now he'd returned it. I picked it up and set it inside the door, not wanting to think of him carrying my sketchpad across town. Not wanting to think of him at all.
"What took you so long?" Brandt complained when I joined him in the car.
We picked up Chris on the way to Austin's. Brandt drove too fast for comfort on the icy roads, earning reprimands from both me and Chris. When we got to Austin's, having managed to avoid sliding off the road to our deaths, Brandt parked the car on the street behind dozens of others.
The sight of Austin's house amazed me. I had never seen it like this before, so warm and bright. It was a huge, sprawling structure of wood and glass, glowing among the trees surrounding it, outshining the few nearby houses by far. It looked like another world. Thudding with popular music, it was packed with people who would shout and laugh and smile wickedly and generally intimidate me.
I walked behind Brandt and Chris across the dead, ice-crusted lawn, littered with a few empty beer cans. We slipped through the wide-open front door and immediately some guy demanded ten bucks from each of us.
"Uh . . . ," said Brandt.
"Hey. Dude. They don't need to pay. They're with me." Austin. He had come up behind the guy and slung a friendly arm across his shoulders
The guy looked dubiously at him. "Everyone's with you. It's your party."
"Yeah, but these guys are special." Austin winked at me, which meant he'd probably had a few drinks already.
"All right," the guy agreed.
Walking in behind my brother, I heard Joy's voice carry across the living room, though I couldn't see her. "I asked Merko to come," she bragged. "Though I can't see how a high school party would interest him. He's older, like college age. And smart."
Starving, I wandered into the kitchen and helped myself to one of the many boxes of pizza crowding the countertop. I savored it, wishing my family had the money to order pizza more often, or at least buy it frozen. It was just so damn good. Finishing off the crust, I snagged another still-warm piece.
"Lilly. Hey."
Austin. I turned to acknowledge him with a nod since my mouth was full of pizza.
"Want a beer?" he asked. He was rubbing the back of his neck, his cheeks faintly pink.
I shrugged. "Mm-kay."
"The stuff in here is a lot smoother than what's in the keg," he informed me, opening the fridge. "It's less, you know, beery."
"Hey, man, get my girl one of those," Brandt called, strolling into the kitchen with Chris. "You know she hates that cheap stuff."
"We all hate the cheap stuff," Austin said, slurring just a little, "but no one cares."
"Do you have any ice cream?" Chris wanted to know.
"You know beer and ice cream don't go together well," said Brandt.
"It makes the beer taste nasty," Austin confirmed.
"Oh, come on, you guys know how much I love ice cream. It's way better than beer!"
"How can you even compare them?"
Chris just shrugged and peeked out into the living room. "Joy's date is here."
"Joy brought a date?"
"Who?" Brandt demanded.
"Some college guy. She was talking about him when we got here."
"This is Merko," Joy said importantly as she strolled into the kitchen with a guy on her arm. I looked up at the familiar name, but didn't make the connection until I saw his face.
Merko was the man who had locked Eve in the parlor to burn. He was the man I had seen on the beach earlier today, the man who had made me feel so incredibly undone by fear. Only a trace of blur remained on his face and I wondered if the others noticed it. He had a tumble of inky curls and his black eyes were made starker by the deathly pallor of his skin. I hadn't recognized him on the beach but now, hearing his name, I knew his true identity. He smiled at me, a smile that made me shiver unpleasantly down to my toes.
"How . . . how did you guys meet?" I asked, staring intently at the floor near his shoes.
Joy grinned up at him. "I was reading mythology books at the library the other day and he came over and asked to borrow one."
"I'm very interested in mythology," Merko said. Accepting a beer from Austin, he looked around at the five of us, his oily eyes coming to rest on me. "Nature mythology, specifically. Did you know that forests are a source of magic and evil in many religions? I only mention that because there's an abundance of forest around here."
"We're not exactly the only state with forest," I said, my voice surprisingly steady. "Besides, you can probably find that information in any encyclopedia."
"Lilly!" Joy cried, mortified.
Merko just smiled graciously. "Of course. But did you know that some trees are symbolic of certain things? Death and rebirth, for instance. Some trees ward off evil spirits. Some are even used for healing. Interesting how a tree can come to mean such things. The symbolism of trees is expansive."
"Who gives a shit?" Brandt said. "Let's drink some beer, man."
>
"Sorry. I get carried away sometimes."
"No kidding."
My brother and Austin changed the subject, Chris chiming in, but Merko leveled his gaze with mine once more. I noticed he hadn't opened his beer. "The forest is very interesting. It's a place of shelter and life. Forests are remarkably resilient and steady. They grow and change over time, yet they remain essentially the same. They are beautiful and mythical. One always knows what to expect from a forest. It doesn't lie."
"Not like the ocean," I said.
He tilted his head slightly. ""No. The surface might be calm or stormy, or somewhere in the middle, but you can always see it plainly."
"You don't know what's underneath, though."
"That is very true, Lilly. Danger always lurks beneath the surface. Water is a powerful element."
"You know so much," Joy commented in a worshipful tone of voice.
Merko smiled at her before turning back to me. "Your name has symbolism, too. A lily flower stands for purity and innocence."
"My name isn't the same as the flower," I said stiffly before shoving past Joy into the living room. But it felt cold, and I was dizzy . . . Instead of music I heard the trickle of water. Instead of people I saw thick, blurred lines that remained even when I closed my eyes.
Trees.
I was in the forest.
I blinked rapidly, trying to make the trees go away. Trying to bring myself back to Austin's house. But I was trapped. I could never go back.
Suddenly a fierce, spiking pain wrenched my right arm, like the ache I usually felt there amplified by a thousand. I screamed with agony. My eyes shot open and I saw several faces staring at me, none of them familiar. They all gave me the same scornful look before turning back to their friends.
"Are you all right?" Austin asked behind me. His hand fell on my shoulder but I shrugged it off. "Was it the beer?"
"I'm fine. I think." I touched my arm tentatively but found it no longer hurt.
"Come on. I'll take you upstairs. It's quiet and you can sit for a while if you want."
"Yeah. That sounds good." I tried to smile gratefully at him, but my mouth trembled.
"Why does she always have to act like such a spaz?" I heard Joy demand. I pictured her rolling her eyes.
"Shut up, Joy." That was Brandt.
I felt Austin at my back, hulking and wordless, as I went up the stairs. By the time we reached the second floor, I was actually feeling better. "Maybe I should just go home," I said. I turned, finding him so close behind me I nearly bumped into him.
And then he kissed me. His arms trapped me against him. His lips were insistent.
"Still want to go home?" he murmured.
"Yes." I struggled in his smothering embrace, but he had the muscles to hold me there.
"You hurt my feelings at the beach," he said. "When you ignored me."
"I don't really care!" I shouted, trying to kick him in the shins. No one heard me because the music was too loud, and no one could see me because the staircase curved and the lights were low up here.
He murmured my name. He tried to sneak a hand up my shirt as he kissed me again, but I turned my face away so his wet lips landed on my cheek. I found myself looking down the stairway and a bright idea occurred to me. Impulsively, I jerked my body sideways, surprising Austin, and tumbled down a few steps.
"What the—"
My body aching from the fall, I righted myself and hopped down the remaining stairs, skipping a couple on the way. I didn't look back at Austin but I didn't think he was following me. I was shaken from what had just happened but told myself he wouldn't have done it had he not been drinking. At least, I hoped he wouldn't have.
I managed to push myself out of the house and breathed in the crisp night air. I jogged over the lawn and across the road, where I walked until I found a spot to enter the forest. Merko was at the party so I felt safe from him, but I wondered if I'd be able to find Ahaziel. Maybe he didn't want me to find him, though. Not after the way I'd treated him.
I picked up my pace, moving quickly through the scratchy undergrowth, between the dark lines of trees. I could hear only my feet crunching iced leaves, snapping frostbitten branches. Anyone else out here would surely hear me, too.
The realization made me afraid. Fear sped me along even faster until I was delirious with it. Suddenly I felt convinced someone or something was chasing me, circling me, toying with me until the moment was right for attack. I had to get to Ahaziel before the thing got me. But he was nowhere in sight and I was losing hope of ever finding him.
He'd given up on me.
"Ahaziel!" I screamed. "Ahaziel!"
Only silence answered me.
I clawed my way through branches that seemed to become thicker with each directionless step. I started crying, my eyes blurry with tears, and hardly noticed it had begun to snow, ever so lightly. I didn't see the branch that tripped me or the slope in front of me until I was sliding down it, my body cracking paper-thin patches of ice. I fell forever, it seemed.
And then I was lying on the ground, staring up at the sky. Every part of my body hurt. I was sure I was bleeding, and yet the only thing I could think of was the first day I'd met Ahaziel. I'd slipped and lain just like this until he'd lifted me in his arms. He would do the same now, I told myself. I just had to wait for him to find me.
So I did. I waited. I waited and closed my eyes as tiny snowflakes drifted down on me, kissing my eyelids, whispering over my cheeks.
Part IV
(Olivia)
The Face of a Forest God
December 1804
An icy, capricious wind played unceasingly with Olivia's hair, pulling the dark gold strands in every direction as she carefully navigated the dense trees. Her long pale feet were bare and dirty from tramping through the damp forest and she noticed the hem of her white nightgown was soiled with mud. She knew she probably looked wild and insane, but she didn't care. It was not likely anyone would see her at this hour of the night. Everyone else in town had been asleep for hours.
Her weight snapped a twig and she paused as the unexpected sound echoed through the trees, disconcertingly loud even over the whistle of the wind. A surge of fear shot through her until she reminded herself she was too far from town for anyone to have heard the noise. Nevertheless, she paid better attention to where she placed her feet as she continued. She was much too skittish to risk frightening herself again.
Olivia heard the river before she saw it, rushing softly and constantly, a soothing sound. Emerging from the trees, she saw how it looked like oil and glittered with blue and white light beneath the half-full moon. She had played and picnicked near this same river all her life, but never at night and never this deep into the forest.
Near the edge of the water, she found a half-rotten log nestled in a pale blue swatch of moonlight. Sitting, she gathered the skirt of her nightgown close about her legs, feeling the chill of the air for the first time since leaving the house. She dared not put her toes in the water, knowing it was even icier.
Now that she was here, she wasn't sure why she had run this far from her home. Suddenly it seemed a stupid thing to have done, yet she could not have said she regretted it. Maybe she'd wanted an isolation more extreme than what the woods around town could afford her. Maybe she'd wanted somewhere to think, a place no one would disturb her. Somewhere to cry if she felt compelled to do so. Here, she could scream about how she hated Kennard and didn't want to marry him and no one would ever know.
Her eyes felt hot. She found she couldn't cry, though. She'd spent too much time forcing tears back to let them flow freely now.
A tiny gleam in the moonlight caught Olivia's eye. She looked for the thing that had shone, welcoming a distraction from her thoughts. At first she saw nothing and determined the gleam had been a reflection on the river, but then she saw it again. The little shine had come from an object on the ground just a few feet to her left. Curious, she rose from the log to investigate. The gleam disappe
ared. Frowning, she grazed her fingertips along the ground, feeling blindly. All she touched were twigs and leaves. She was about to give up when she felt something cold and hard, something metallic. She closed her fingers around the small object and brought it close to her face.
It was a necklace. A simple circle on a plain chain. It looked silver, though it would be easier to say for sure by light of day. She wiped away some of the dirt and grime, wondering who had lost the necklace and how long it had lain in the river mud, half buried and forgotten.
Olivia clutched it in her fist and looked at the dark rushing river. A shroud of moonlight broke through the clouds and fell upon her figure. She began to feel sleepy. She would start home now, before it was too late.
She saw him when she turned. She had no idea how long he had been watching her. It was a man, a strange man. His clothes were so ragged with holes and dirt it was a wonder they stayed on him. His tangled hair was crusted with dried mud. She couldn't tell the color of his skin for all the filth on it. Only his eyes were clear and bright as they stared at her, unwavering. She took a step back from their force, stopping only because she remembered the river behind her. She froze, wanting to run, but somehow she felt trapped, tangled in unseen vines, her feet buried in imaginary puddles of thick mud.
"You have something of mine."
His voice sounded deep and dark as shadows. It seemed to come from everywhere—from the trunks of trees, from the river water, from the ground beneath her feet. The air trembled in response to its timbre.
"I—"
She could not speak. She was too busy trying to figure out whether she should run. Would he chase her? Surely he knew the forest better than she did, judging by the state of his person, and would catch her almost instantly. But what if she ran and got away? Then she could climb back in the safety of her bed and forget she ever saw a stranger here.
"You have something of mine," he repeated.
The necklace. Of course. Olivia opened her hand and stared at the grimy jewelry. So this was what he wanted. Pulling back her arm, she threw it on the ground at his feet. "Here!" she shouted. "Leave me alone!"
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