by LM Terry
I toss my napkin on the table. “Okay, let’s hear it.”
She slides back in her chair, her eyes bouncing around the room.
“Dirk,” Raffe warns, softly.
“No. I want to hear it. I want to hear her say it out loud so we can move forward.” I slide my eyes from her to him.
“It’s not that easy, Dirk,” Raffe says, playing good cop. At least that is what he’s supposed to be doing.
“All seven ranking officers and one prospect,” she says quietly.
Raffe and I both snap our attention to Jesse. Darkness whips across the floor like a deadly serpent. It wraps itself around my ankles infiltrating me with a hate I’ve never felt before. The entire fucking club will burn. Mark my fucking words.
With extreme restraint I keep my ass glued to the chair. My breath is coming in short pants as I reign myself in. Raffe is doing the same. How the fuck do we respond to that.
She takes a deep breath and raises her head like a mother fucking queen. My queen. “The worst was Crow.” Her gaze wanders between the two of us. “He wouldn’t shut up. He whispered in my ear the entire time. He wouldn’t let me block him out. He wanted more than in my body. He wanted in my mind.”
I place my hands on my knees willing them to stop shaking as I listen to her.
“I didn’t understand until yesterday. Last night when I was lying in bed I put it all together. The man my father killed was related to Crow wasn’t he?”
“Brothers,” I answer. This girl is too smart for her own good.
She nods. “I tried to block that weekend out of my mind but when you said his name yesterday…”
“It dislodged the blockage,” I finish for her. I had my suspicions it was Crow. Just like I’ve had my suspicions he was responsible for her grandparent’s deaths. I knew if I mentioned him and he had hurt her it would be impossible for her to hide a reaction. What I didn’t expect was this. How the fuck did she walk out of that trailer in one piece after being assaulted by eight men?
Jesse draws out an exhale trying to decompress. When she inhales her spine straightens. “So, how are we going to do it?” she asks, her head held high. The florescent light above us reflecting a crown of blue over her jet-black hair. A queen I tell you. She has a resilient spirit to match my own. Eat or be eaten. There is no other way.
“Gotta bring the whole club in. Something this big will require a vote,” I tell her.
Her eyes trail to the windows. “I’m going to go listen to the trees.” She turns back to me seeking approval. I simply nod.
“Don’t go far,” I warn.
“I won’t,” she says as she walks out, pausing to pick up the backpack of paints Dan brought for her. She doesn’t give us or her uneaten breakfast a second glance.
When she walks out Raffe jumps to his feet. “Jesus Christ, Dirk. Could you have pushed her any harder,” he growls.
“We aren’t fucking here for pancakes and sweet syrups.”
“No. We’re here for her.” He points to the door.
I stand up, pressing my knuckles into the table. “And, you don’t think I’m here for her?”
“Dammit, Dirk. I know you are but…” He rips at his hair. “I’m sorry I just want to hurt someone, and you are the only motherfucker in the room.” Raffe falls into his chair throwing his head back to stare at the ceiling.
“I just lanced the fucking wound, Raffe. You know how this works. It will get better from here.” I sit down in the chair beside him.
“Do you think I should go to her,” he asks.
“Finish your breakfast, give her a little time. Then yes, go to her. I’m going to ride into town.”
“Why don’t you just call him? She’s going to hear the bike.”
“You think it’s a good idea to tell him over the phone?” I ask, grabbing my jacket from the couch.
“No.”
How am I going to tell Bill what happened to his baby girl? I really hope that Dan is still around. It might take the both of us to keep him from going on a rampage and knocking off every single one of them all on his own. He’s mean enough to do it but going in without a plan would be sloppy and we cannot risk him getting locked up again. Jesse needs him.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Raffe
◆◆◆
Igive her a few hours by herself before packing a simple lunch for us to enjoy outdoors. She didn’t eat much this morning. I head out with the basket swinging in my hand. A tiny fox catches my eye. Wait, that isn’t a fox. I crouch down in front of the bottom of the tree where the bark has broken off. It’s painted to look as if it’s hollowed out with a small brown fox peeking out. Did Jesse do this?
Continuing down the path I find more sweet creations. A woodpecker adorns another large tree stripped of bark from a lightning storm. On a large rock in the middle of the path I find rainbow colored ants forming a trail behind each other. A plant with large green leaves is covered in tiny painted butterflies.
A hissing noise catches my attention further up the path. I pick up my pace, coming to an abrupt halt when I see Jesse crouched over two large rocks. On the side of one she has painted a small deer. On the rock that lies flat she is painting a pool of blue water, the deer’s reflection rippling through the paint.
Jesse is a badass no doubt. She has Skull blood pumping through her veins but deep down a curious little girl still exists. She scratches her nose leaving a streak of blue behind. As she leans forward to grab another can of paint she notices me watching her. “Hey.” She starts to pack up her paints.
“Don’t stop on my account,” I tell her, looking for a place to park my ass.
“You sure? I lost track of time.”
I find a clear spot and pull out the blanket I had tucked in the picnic basket. She watches as I lay it out. “Positive,” I assure her. “When you finish we’ll eat lunch.” I pat the picnic basket beside me. The smile that breaks out across her face makes me happy I thought of it.
“I am getting hungry,” she says, shyly tucking her hair behind her ear before getting back to her painting.
“Your art sure does brighten up the path. It’s whimsical. I like it.”
She talks while continuing to paint. “I see things where nothing exists.” She shrugs like it’s nothing.
“So, is it the same when you tattoo?”
Jesse blushes and nods. How curious? I decide to press the issue.
“Do you see something when you look here?” I pull up my shirt, barring the left side of my torso.
She wipes at her forehead with the back of her hand, staring at my bare skin. Her eyes slowly roam up and latch onto mine. She nods again, her green eyes piercing a hole in my heart. “I’ve had a plan for that spot for quite some time,” she admits. Her tongue skates along her bottom lip. Quickly she diverts her eyes back to her painting.
“Is it something cute and whimsical or is it dark like the skull and rose you are doing on my leg?”
Her face flushes again, her head dipping to face away from me. “It’s…it’s not cute, or whimsical, it’s…” Jesse stops and begins to toss her paints into her bag, evidently finished with her painting.
“It’s what?”
“It’s nothing.” She shoves me in the arm as she sits down beside me on the blanket. Her face heating to an alarming level. “I’m hungry,” she states, flopping her hands in her lap.
“Okay. Don’t tell me. Maybe I’ll have Dan fill that space in,” I tease, opening the basket and pulling out two sandwiches.
She narrows her eyes at me in warning.
“No?” I laugh
“You’re mine now,” she tells me.
I toss her a bottle of water. “I like the sound of that.”
Jesse hides behind her hair. “I heard Dirk leave. Is he going down to tell my dad?”
“Yes,” I answer, shooting straight from the hip. She inhales deeply staring at the sandwich in her hand. “You need to try and eat something.”
She nibbles
at the corner of the bread. I glance at her painting. It blends in seamlessly with the natural surroundings. “Where did you learn to paint?”
She shrugs. “I’ve always liked to doodle. It keeps my mind busy. I guess you could say I was self-taught.”
“It’s beautiful.” I watch her cheeks pinken at my compliment. “How do you it? How do you stay so positive despite everything you’ve been through?”
“I learned early on I could not control the bad things, but I could control me. I can control the way I interpret things. So, I might feel bad for a time but then you have to dust yourself off and get back on the horse.”
“Yeah, but how many do you get bucked off before you quit getting back on?” I ask.
She looks up at the sky, contemplating my words before turning her sparkling green eyes my way. “You never quit.”
I take a minute to absorb her words. “You believe that don’t you.”
“With all my heart.” She takes a bigger bite of her sandwich, a smile forming on her face. “When I came to Trap I imagined I would rule over it. A group of misfits banned together by unfortunate circumstances.” She laughs lightly. “Ah, the musings of a young, naïve girl.”
“I don’t think your naïve at all.”
She stares at me. “You did once.” Her head tips to the side as she waits for me to remember…and remember I do.
“Oh shit, Jesse. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”
Jesse surprises me, moving so fast, her lips press to mine. She mumbles against them. “Don’t.” Her lips part, granting me permission to experience more of her. Oh, god. Her lips are the sweetest thing I’ve ever tasted. Quietly in the breeze, we softly explore each other. When she pulls away a lightness settles over me. The taste of sugar remains on my lips.
She smiles as she settles back in her spot.
“Jesse you are…you are…”
“One of a kind,” she finishes for me.
I nod once. Her smile spreads across her entire face illuminating the entire mountain. My heart swells in a way it never has before. Jesse doesn’t look at me like other women do…or men for that matter. “What do you see when you look at me?” I ask her the same question she asked me a few nights ago.
Jesse cups her hands over her heart, letting me know she’s touched I asked a question she has been asking most of her life. “I see you, Raffe.” Her eyes drop away for a moment. When she returns her gaze to me, it demands I listen to her next words closely. “A kindhearted, beautiful man. Someone who would do anything for his friends, for his brothers. Someone who would put himself at the back of the pack to ensure that everyone makes it safely to other side. A man who would sacrifice his body or his soul, to save those he loves.”
I hang to every word as it falls from her lips. Her words aren’t idle musings, they are said with so much emotion I know she has looked at me deeper than anyone ever has. Oh, god why did I tell her I saw a fellow survivor. I see so much more than that when I look at her.
Her final words seal my fate, my future with this woman.
“When you said you saw a fellow survivor I knew you saw me and for the first time you saw yourself. You and I are the same.” She takes my hand in hers. “You know how?”
Numbly I shake my head no.
She climbs on my lap, straddling me. “We know what it’s like for someone to take what’s ours. To steal a piece of us. So, we guard what is left in ways others cannot understand. By controlling what we can. Me by selling drugs and giving the money to those in need and you by using your body to help your club. Both we control.”
Jesse stares into my soul, drawing leftover poison to the surface.
She combs her fingers through my beard. “So, when we give a piece of ourselves over willingly, it’s the most precious thing in the world.”
Again, her lips find mine and I feel her gift, a piece of her she is handing over voluntarily.
When she ends the kiss, she tucks her face against my neck. “You’re the first person that I’ve initiated a kiss with.” She curls into me. Her vulnerability seeking comfort. I wrap my arms around her, holding her tight.
Quietly, in the middle of nature I float, not fall, in love with the kindest, strongest creature I’ve ever met. Jesse Miller came into my life, taking nothing from me, asking for nothing but in this moment she has given me everything.”
Chapter Thirty-Three
Jesse
◆◆◆
The roar of a bike brings me back to the quiet place I’ve been floating in, in the safety of Raffe’s arms. I trace over the tattoos I’ve watched Dan etch into his skin over the years. I don’t move, neither does he. Several minutes later Dirk’s boots crunch along the path, stopping beside us.
He crouches beside me, his big hand running over my hair. “It’s time to go home, sweetheart,” his gravelly voice wakes up that thing deep in my core that rouses every time I find myself caught between these two men.
I lift my head and lean over while still on Raffe’s lap, I grab Dirk’s scruffy face and pull him close. His eyes widen as I place a kiss on his lips. It throws him off for a minute, but he recovers quickly, taking over.
As Dirk kisses me thoroughly Raffe stirs under me. I pull away and turn to him, offering him a taste of the heat left behind from Dirk’s lips. Raffe moans deep as we connect. Dirk doesn’t abandon me. My hair is quickly wrapped around his fist, his lips grazing the back of my neck as soon as it’ s exposed to him.
Something inside me swells with an unbearable heat. I want to feel my skin on their skin. I want to feel my heart sync with theirs. I want to taste them. I want them to taste me. I can’t get enough. I need more. More. More.
As soon as it starts it ends. Dirk stands, taking a step away. Raffe gently scoots me off his lap. What is happening? Why did they stop? I want more of them.
“This can’t happen right now,” Raffe tells me as he gathers up the picnic we never finished.
“Why not?” I hustle to my feet, suddenly feeling very insecure.
My eyes dart around, an overwhelming urge to flee comes over me. Dirk grabs my arm and pulls me close to him. “Don’t even think about it.”
“I don’t understand…” I shake my head, trying to focus on what the fuck is actually going on.
Dirk grabs my chin forcing me to look at him. “I want you, Raffe wants you and from what I can tell you want us both.” I try to turn away, but his grip only tightens. “The fact you don’t understand is exactly why we are stopping.”
“It’s…it’s wrong I want you both?” I ask awkwardly. What am I asking? Of course, it’s wrong. Of course, it is.
He shakes his head. “No. It’s not wrong but I don’t think you are ready for one of us let alone the two of us together.”
Raffe stands beside Dirk. “It would be easy for us to take advantage of you right now. We aren’t going to do that.”
“What about what I want?”
Dirk smirks, his scary as fuck eyebrow cocks in amusement. “Well, Jesse, you can have whatever you want when you turn eighteen.”
I squint at him. Defiance bubbling through my veins. “Oh, I see what this is. Poor little Jesse all abused and shit. She’s so wounded she can’t be trusted with her own desires. Too young to take care of herself. Too young to understand the big bad world. Too young to know what she wants.” I shove away from them both.
“Jesse, come on. We don’t think that. But, you are seventeen and we are considerably older. We have to think about what this might look like to others. What about Bill?”
Laughing I grab my stomach with exaggerated amusement. When I right myself, wiping at my eyes, I pointedly declare war. “Good luck keeping up your act of nobility.”
They glance nervously at each other. “What the hell does that mean?” Raffe asks.
I start up the path letting my words trail behind me. “You boys haven’t met Sugar yet, but you are about to.”
When I hear Dirk pick up his pace behind me, I run. He is angry. I run a
ll the way up the stairs, only to realize that there is no door on his bedroom because it’s a loft. Fuck. I back up as he walks towards me.
“There is no Sugar,” he warns with a look of determination on his face.
I want to defy him.
I want to spit in his face.
I want to kiss him.
I want him to hold me.
Oh.
Oh.
In this moment I realize that I’ve been acting mean to keep people away. To prevent people from taking what’s mine. To ensure everyone stays at arm’s length. Until now. That’s not what I want from Dirk…from Raffe. I want them to hold me. To love me. Oh god.
He reads the emotions playing out over my face like an open book.
I turn away from him and crawl on the bed concealing my face in a pillow. I’m so embarrassed and confused. Something breaks inside of me. I don’t know if it’s my will, my heart, or my strength because right now I don’t feel I have any of those things.
“Jesse,” the bed shifts as Dirk sits beside me. “Raffe and I cannot give you what you are wanting right now. I didn’t say it would never happen.”
He lays his hand gently on my back.
“Talk to me, Jess.”
“I’m sorry. I know all this is wrong. I’m wrong. There is something wrong with me. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong,” I hiccup through my tears.
“There’s nothing wrong with you.” His hand continues to tenderly caress me. “I think it best if we go back to the warehouse. Your dad is missing you.”
“I don’t want to go back. Just leave me here,” I mumble into the pillow.
He climbs over me so that he can stretch out beside me on the bed. I keep my face buried.
“We can stay if that’s what you need.”
“I need things to make sense.”
He chuckles lightly. “The world rarely makes sense, Jesse.”
I turn my head, laying my cheek on my folded arms. “I don’t want to be mean anymore.”
“Awe, Jess.” He closes his eyes. When he opens them again they are calm blue. “You don’t have to be mean with Raffe or I. You don’t have to be mean to anyone in the club. No one is going to take anything away from you. Okay?”