Pieces of My Heart

by Sinéad Moriarty

  ‘I have the orphanage to thank for that. I saw so many kids with broken hearts and broken spirits and I said, “No way am I ending up like that. I’m going to be happy.” In some ways starting life with nothing is good because you never take things for granted. And when you get to my age, every day’s a bonus.’

  ‘I wish I could be more carefree like you. I’m always worrying about something, and if there’s nothing to worry about, I worry about that. I wish I could relax more.’

  ‘It’s not your fault. You’ve had to be responsible from a young age with your mum dying so young and me going off the rails. I’m sorry you had to grow up so fast. You should have had more fun when you were younger. I should have been a better dad.’

  I took his hand. ‘Charlie, you were a great dad, unconventional maybe, but you’ve always been there when I needed you, and you’re an even better granddad. I heard you talking to Ali earlier and you were brilliant. You said all the right things. I don’t know what I’d do without you.’

  ‘You’d be just fine. You’ve done a great job bringing up those girls. They’re a credit to you. Don’t worry about Ali, she’ll get through this.’

  ‘And what about you? Will you be OK?’

  ‘Of course I will. You need to stop worrying about everyone else and take some time for yourself. Enjoy life, Ava. It goes by very quickly. Now, off to bed with you, you need some sleep – you’re shattered.’

  ‘OK. Goodnight, Charlie, and thanks.’

  ‘For what?’

  ‘For being your unique self.’

  52

  Sarah insisted on calling Ali first thing the next morning to fill her in on the Nadia saga.

  ‘It’ll distract her from counting the cornflakes in her bowl,’ she assured me.

  I snuck upstairs and listened in on the extension.

  ‘Hey, Ali.’

  ‘Hi, Sarah.’

  ‘Are you better today?’

  ‘I’m fine.’

  ‘So what was with all that choking drama yesterday?’

  ‘I just got nervous with everyone staring at me.’

  ‘Well, the food was awful. I could barely eat it myself. Seriously, dry vegetables, come on. I’ll be anorexic soon if Mum keeps cooking that crap.’

  I couldn’t believe Sarah was mentioning anorexia and criticizing my food. I’d kill her.

  Ali didn’t respond, so Sarah kept talking.

  ‘So, anyway, you’re not going to believe what happened last night. I found out that Nadia is a lying, cheating whore.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ Ali sounded shocked.

  ‘It’s not Charlie’s baby. She’s going out with this massive big bouncer and it’s his kid. She was lying to Charlie to get money out of him.’

  ‘Oh, my God – seriously?’

  ‘Totally. Bobby and I went to her pole-dancing club and found out that she’s been seeing this other guy the whole time and he’s in on the scam too. They’ve been taking Charlie for a total ride.’

  ‘Poor Charlie. Is he OK?’

  ‘Hello! He’s just escaped from the clutches of a gold-digging bitch, he’s fine.’

  ‘But he seemed to really like her.’

  ‘What would you know? The whole time he’s been with her, you’ve either been doing star jumps in the loo, counting cornflakes or locked up.’

  I had to put my hand over my mouth to stop myself shouting down the phone at Sarah.

  ‘Shut up, Sarah,’ Ali snapped.

  ‘What? It’s true.’

  ‘I don’t appreciate you slagging me about my anorexia. It’s a bloody disease and I’m dealing with it. The last thing I need is you taking the piss out of me, so stop.’

  ‘Fine, keep your hair on.’

  I silently cheered Ali on.

  ‘So, is Charlie really all right about Nadia?’ Ali asked.

  ‘He’s a bit embarrassed about being taken for a ride, but other than that he’s fine.’

  ‘Has she moved out?’

  ‘We threw all her tarty clothes into bin liners this morning and Dad dumped them outside the nightclub. There’s no way she’ll come back to the house – she wouldn’t have the nerve.’

  ‘What does Mum think? I bet she’s relieved.’

  ‘She seemed pleased, but it’s hard to tell. She was really down when you came home and didn’t eat.’

  I winced and held my breath.

  ‘I ate when I got back here. I’m getting better – it was just a little glitch.’

  ‘Well, the next time you come home you’d better eat a Big Mac and large fries because I can’t take any more of this misery.’

  ‘You’ve made your point.’

  ‘So, do you think they’ll let you out again soon?’

  ‘It depends if I put on more weight. I’m doing my best.’

  ‘It was nice having you back – it sucks living here on my own. Do you think you can come home and eat like a normal person the next time?’

  ‘Yes – but it’s hard, Sarah. It’s unbelievably hard.’

  ‘Do you still have the mad voice in your head?’

  ‘Sometimes.’

  ‘Can’t you just tell it to fuck off?’

  ‘It’s not that easy.’

  ‘Well, if you need any help, you can just tell me when it’s talking to you and I can shout, “Fuck off,” into your ear. It’s worth a shot.’

  Ali laughed. ‘Thanks. I’ll let you know.’

  ‘Cool. Well, I’d better go. Bobby’s coming over with this amazing new fake tan from the States. All the celebrities wear it. I can’t wait to try it. If you want I can bring some in and spray you. You’re way too pale. In fact, all the skeletons in there look like ghosts. Hey, why don’t you spread the word that your sister does spray tans for, like, thirty euros? I could make good money. Ask around and see what the other sticks say and let me know.’

  ‘Goodbye, Sarah.’ Ali hung up.

  Sarah was no diplomat and I could have strangled her for some of her comments, but it was nice to hear them talking like sisters again – and Ali had sounded much stronger. She’d pulled Sarah up on a few things, which was good: it was a sign of strength and self-belief.

  While Sarah and Bobby tried out their new fake tan I called Sally. She’d been really down in the dumps and I was worried about her. I was so worn out from the disappointment of Ali’s home visit that I’d barely had the energy to talk. But Sally had been such a rock of support to me that I wanted to be there for her no matter what.

  ‘Hey, it’s me – how are you?’ I asked.

  ‘Shite,’ she said.

  ‘Have you spoken to him?’

  ‘We had the same fucking argument again last night on the phone. I can’t take any more, Ava, I’m drained. I’m so miserable and lonely I think I’m just going to give in and have a bloody baby. I love Simon, he’s perfect. I can’t stand to lose him. No one has ever made me this happy or made me feel so good about myself. I can’t let him go. I just can’t.’

  ‘OK, but it’s really important that you make the decision with a clear head. If you decide to have a baby it has to be because you want to have a baby with Simon. Don’t have it just to keep him. Children are with you every day for the rest of your life and they’re very needy.’

  ‘I know, I get it. But what can I do, Ava? If I don’t have a baby I lose him. I don’t want to live my life thinking, What if?’

  ‘Nor do you want to spend your life looking at a baby and thinking you made a mistake. Look, Sally, I’m not trying to put you off having a child, it’s just that you have to be sure it’s the right decision for you.’

  ‘I don’t want to have a baby. I really don’t. But I want Simon more than I don’t want a child, so he wins.’

  ‘I just don’t think that’s the best way to make such a monumental decision.’

  ‘He said he’ll be really hands on. He said he’ll change the nappies and do all the night feeds and basically raise the kid.’

  ‘Sally, a baby needs its mother. No
matter how great Simon is, the baby needs you to feed and love it too. You can’t have a child and disengage from raising it.’

  ‘What about all those kids who went to boarding school at five years old?’

  ‘That was years ago and a lot of them turned out to be very dysfunctional. If you decide to have a baby with Simon, I’ll support you all the way, but think it through. Motherhood is a job for life and it’s wonderful, but you have to want it.’

  ‘What if after all this soul-searching I decide to have a baby and find out I can’t have one because I’m so bloody old and then we have to go through the whole adoption thing? God, I don’t know if I could do that. Adopt a baby who’s already been abandoned and then find I don’t bond with it. How badly would that mess the kid up?’

  ‘Hold on, take it one step at a time. The decision you need to make is whether you want to be a mother or not. Whether the child is biological or adopted really doesn’t matter.’

  ‘Argh, my head is melted. I change my mind every five minutes. And the thing is that Simon’s saying he’ll pretty much raise the baby and he’ll never be one of those guys who goes for drinks after work, that he’ll always rush straight home to his family but all I can think is that I’ll want to go for drinks after work and I won’t want to rush home to a screaming child.’

  ‘Well, then, maybe you need to tell him that.’

  ‘I can’t! He’ll think I’m a cold-hearted bitch. He’s so great, Ava. He’s such a good person and I really love him. The bottom line is that I can’t bear to lose him and I don’t want to be on my own. I’ll just have to give him what he wants and hopefully it won’t be that bad. Maybe I will fall in love with the baby, like all those stories you hear.’

  ‘Maybe you will,’ I agreed.

  ‘Or maybe I’ll feel nothing. Why, oh, why does life have to be so complicated?’

  ‘I wish I knew.’

  ‘Tell me what to do, Ava, please, just tell me.’

  ‘I’m sorry, but I can’t. You have to do this on your own, but whatever you decide I’ll support you a hundred per cent and I’ll do everything I can to help you.’

  ‘If I do have a baby, at least I’ll have two handy babysitters in Sarah and Ali.’

  ‘That’s true,’ I said, not having the heart to tell her that after the fiasco yesterday, it was quite possible that Ali would still be in the clinic when Sally gave birth.

  ‘Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum,’ Sarah roared, ‘come and check this new tan out. It’s so cool.’

  ‘I take it Sarah needs you,’ Sally said.

  ‘Sorry – I’d better go. Look, keep me posted and call me anytime, day or night, to discuss it. And, remember, go with your gut.’

  ‘I’ll try. Thanks.’

  53

  Sally called over to the house on Monday morning. I’d said I’d cook breakfast for her and fill her in on the Nadia saga before we went to work. She still hadn’t come to a decision and said she couldn’t bear to talk about it any more but that she was desperate for distraction and wanted all the juicy details of Nadia’s betrayal.

  I gave her a brief run-down.

  ‘The conniving bitch. Poor Charlie,’ she said.

  ‘I know, and he’s being really good about it, pretending he doesn’t care, but I can see he’s upset.’

  ‘He’ll bounce back – Charlie always does. God, though, I can’t believe she was conning him while living here with the whole family. She’s a piece of work.’

  ‘I always knew she was after his money, but I didn’t think she’d go to such lengths to get it. Lying about the baby was really shitty.’

  ‘It’s the lowest of the low. What about Sarah, though? She’s a riot. I can’t believe she and Bobby confronted Nadia. Fair play to them, they completely caught her out.’

  ‘I didn’t know whether to kiss her or shout at her. What they did was brave but incredibly stupid. They could have been in real trouble. Paul said some of the guys involved in these clubs are ex-IRA. And there’s my sixteen-year-old daughter wrestling bouncers.’

  Sally laughed. ‘I’m sorry but it’s hilarious.’

  ‘I’d find it a lot funnier if it wasn’t my daughter and my father.’

  ‘It’s – Jesus, what was that?’ Sally asked, as we heard a big bang from upstairs.

  ‘It’s Magda. I told her about Nadia when she came in this morning and she went mad. She was cursing Nadia for giving Polish women a bad name and ranting about what a cheap tart she is and that her sister is the same – it runs in the family – and how she warned me about Nadia months ago and I should have got rid of her … She’s been bashing around the house for the last half an hour.’

  ‘I’m surprised she hasn’t broken anything,’ Sally said.

  The door opened and Magda stormed in, waving her phone. ‘I calls my friends and I telling them about Nadia and they all so angry. She not going do this any more. Nadia in big trouble with the Polish peoples. Nadia a fery bad girl. She giffing Polish girls bad name. You daddy fery lucky she gone.’

  ‘You’re right, Magda, he is better off,’ I agreed. ‘Don’t worry. I know Nadia is just one bad egg, not a reflection of all Polish women.’

  ‘God, yes, absolutely. There are plenty Irish Nadias out there too,’ Sally assured Magda.

  ‘Polish girls normally good girls. OK, Nadia not girl, she woman, but she bad woman …’

  As we were happily slating Nadia, the doorbell went. As I was walking towards the door, something about the silhouette in the glass made me look through the peephole. I couldn’t believe my eyes.

  ‘Sally! Magda! It’s her. It’s Nadia!’ I hissed.

  Sally and Magda raced out to the hall. I opened the door and before us stood a defiant-looking Nadia. Magda started roaring at her in Polish and Nadia shouted back. The argument went on for quite some time. Judging by the tone, I think Magda had the upper hand, but Nadia certainly didn’t seem to be apologizing. Eventually I interrupted them: ‘What are you doing here?’ I demanded.

  ‘Is Charlie in?’ asked the scarlet woman.

  ‘No, he isn’t. What do you want?’

  ‘I wants to get my things.’

  ‘Paul left your belongings at the club this morning.’

  ‘I haff money here. I hide it under the bed.’

  ‘Why would you do that?’

  ‘I don’t wants my boyfriend to get it. He wants to buy new car, but it’s my money for when I am going back to Poland. It’s for looking after baby.’ She touched her stomach protectively.

  ‘Are you sure it’s not Charlie’s money?’ I asked.

  ‘It’s my money from working.’ She looked upset. ‘I working fery hard and this is eferything I am safing.’

  ‘What about the money you owe Charlie?’ Sally asked.

  ‘I giffs Charlie sex. He happy man. I not owing Charlie money. He no giff me money.’

  ‘I know he gave you some money – he told me.’ I glared at her.

  ‘Only for appointment to see doctor.’

  ‘For the baby that isn’t his?’

  ‘You bad girl.’ Magda shook a fist in Nadia’s face.

  ‘I not leafing without my money. I needs money for baby.’ Nadia tried to push past us. We blocked her way.

  ‘Now, just hold on there,’ Sally said. ‘Ava treated you really well and welcomed you into her home. You even went on holidays with them, for God’s sake. This family has been through a really hard time lately. How dare you make it worse by lying to them about a baby? Do you have any idea how mean that was? Do you know what having a baby means to some men? Some men would give up everything, including true love, for a bloody baby.’ Sally began to shout: ‘Some men are obsessed with having babies. What kind of person are you? You should be on your knees begging for forgiveness.’

  ‘I am sorry Aleeson is sick. She fery nice girl. But I haff baby now and I needs my money.’

  I could tell we were going to be there all day – Nadia wasn’t going to leave without her money and I didn’t want it in
my house. I just wanted her to get all her things and go away.

  ‘Come in,’ I said, allowing her inside.

  Nadia, Sally, Magda and I went into the bedroom she had shared with Charlie. Nadia heaved the mattress up and lying underneath was a plastic bag, stuffed full of ten-, twenty- and fifty-euro notes. There were hundreds in the bag.

  ‘Bloody hell!’ I exclaimed.

  ‘I not cleaning any more. I doing the dancing now, money is better.’ Magda’s eyes were out on sticks, looking at all the cash.

  ‘I’m not sure how realistic Magda pole dancing is,’ Sally whispered, as I tried not to laugh. ‘She doesn’t look very nimble.’

  Nadia hugged the bag to her chest. ‘These my tips from customers. I safe all. I going back to Poland to buy apartment and look after baby. You tells Charlie I say goodbye. He nice man. He fery good granddaddy.’

  ‘I know how great Charlie is, thank you, and nice people deserve to be treated with respect and not used.’

  ‘I giff Charlie good time. He happy with me,’ Nadia objected.

  ‘I think you got the better end of the deal – free lodgings, free food –’

  ‘Don’t forget the free boobs,’ Sally said.

  ‘Free boobs, free alcohol, free everything. Just take your money and leave and don’t come anywhere near my house again.’

  Magda started shouting at her in Polish. Nadia hurried towards the front door. Before she walked out, she turned to me. ‘I hopes Aleeson get better soon. Here,’ she said, handing me a CD. ‘I make this for Aleeson. Music will help her.’

  ‘Thank you,’ I mumbled, taken completely by surprise. As she turned to go, I remembered something. ‘Hold on.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘My mother’s ring.’

  ‘That is present from Charlie.’ She covered it with her hand.

  ‘It’s one of the only things I have of my mother’s. Charlie should never have given it to you. Give it back to me now or I’ll call the police and have you arrested.’