Burning With Desire

by Winters, Bella

  “I’m not sure I can drink all of that,” I said. “I’ll end up in a coma.”

  “You will drink it up and feel great,” Tessa said with a fake snarl.

  I took a sip of the drink and marveled at its sweet taste. After a second I felt the immediate effects of the alcohol. Wow, that was strong.

  Tessa had dragged me out to the club that night with Denise, and Cheryl, a few of her best friends. I hadn’t been in the mood, but I was glad I came. After I went home from working at Ricky’s, I just wanted to take a shower and lie down, but Tessa insisted that we go out anyway. So, I relented.

  I did so mostly so I wouldn’t spend the night thinking about Ricky. He’d really gotten in my head. The evening had been wonderful having dinner with him and Zoe, then the talk we had afterwards. He was so sweet and charming, but I could see a darkness in him, a lonely despair. I could tell a part of Ricky was broken, as if he’d never recovered from the loss of his wife a few years ago. It was understandable, and I could see he didn’t like talking about it. This little bit of vulnerability inside such a tough, rugged guy (who was breathtakingly handsome also) tugged at my heartstrings and it opened up a bit of the nurturing side of myself. I could feel that I wanted to fix what was broken in him. I wanted to help him feel again.

  And I wanted to help him feel for me.

  I knew this was a slippery slope and that riding such an emotional rollercoaster with a man usually did not end up well. They typically would just bring you along through their muck until you ended up broken, too. But I didn’t sense that with Ricky. He was such a good man. He was so strong. I knew he was in pain, but he handled his responsibilities and he was an excellent father. He was a great man.

  And I could not stop thinking about him. But I didn’t ever see myself telling him how I felt, or trying to get somewhere with him. This could not happen. It was wrong. But why did it feel so right?

  “So, you got Julie to come out with us tonight? Good job, Tessa,” Cheryl said.

  I smirked at her and rolled my eyes. They were always teasing me that I didn’t go out and club with them nearly enough. It had never really been my scene. I liked to stay home in peace and quiet to work on my art. I was not a party girl.

  “Yeah, it took some doing, but I made it happen,” Tessa said. “You can’t doubt my skills. Little miss lonely hearts over here was going to stay in all night and sulk. I couldn’t let that happen.”

  “I was not going to sulk,” I said. “I’m just tired.”

  “Well, I would be tired too after getting all hot and bothered with that sexy man you are working with,” Tessa cheered. She high fived the other girls who joined her in what I could only describe as twerking while sitting down.

  “What sexy man is this?” Cheryl asked.

  “Ricky,” Tessa replied. “He is a damn good looking firefighter.”

  “Whoo! I always wanted to get with a firefighter. I’d love to play with that hose…” Cheryl teased.

  I laughed. These girls were perverted. But they were fun.

  “He is my employer. I take care of his daughter. I don’t work with him,” I corrected them.

  “But you did say that he was hot,” Tessa replied. “I looked him up online. Yeah, that man is so fine. I would already have been knocked up by him if I was in your shoes.”

  “You are crazy,” I said. “I’m not going to do anything with him. It is a bad idea, no matter how many of those insane Lifetime romances you watch.”

  “All of those movies are grounded in real life,” Tessa said.

  “No, they are not,” I said. “They are grounded in a writer’s imagination. Real life just doesn’t work that way.”

  “Well, you can make your life as exciting as you want it to be or not. That is all up to you,” Tessa said. “If you want to be mundane and boring by never taking any risks then that is on you.”

  “She’s right,” Cheryl added. “My sister took the initiative and now she is happily married to the best guy ever. They met when she was hired as a personal trainer to his teenage daughter who was preparing for some fitness competition. And they just hit it off. It was exciting. But if she’d worried that it may or may not have been appropriate then she wouldn’t have gone for it.”

  “I just can’t. Besides, I’m not looking right now anyway. I am just not in the right place in my life to handle a real relationship.”

  “You have been saying that for months, ever since you broke up with Jeremy,” Tessa said.

  “What does Jeremy have to do with this? I’m fine. I’ve been over him for a long time,” I said.

  “Are you sure about that?” Tessa asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Well, he is coming this way, so I guess we will find out.”

  Tessa was gesturing behind me. Sure enough, there was my ex-boyfriend Jeremy walking towards me right then with a relaxed grin on his face.

  “Did you know he was going to be here?” I asked Tessa.

  “Nope. Not a clue.”

  “I swear if you knew and dragged me out here to see him, I’m going to kill you.”

  “I had no idea,” Tessa said. For whatever reason, I actually believed her.

  I did not want to speak with him. He was one of the last people that I really wanted to see.

  “Hey, Julie,” Jeremy said as he approached me.

  I turned my head to him and forced a smile. What was going on here?

  “Fancy seeing you here,” Jeremy said.

  I still didn’t respond. When he had broken up with me, it had really hurt. I didn’t really want to talk to him in any capacity. He’d proven that he didn’t want anything real with me, so why was he talking to me now?

  “Um, listen can we go somewhere and talk?” Jeremy asked. He seemed so timid and boring. I wondered what I’d ever really seen in him. He was weak and he’d proven it by dumping me.

  “I have nothing to talk about with you. Do you mind? I’m with my friends.”

  “Please? Just five minutes. I need to explain some things.”

  I glanced at Tessa who seemed mildly amused by this turn of events. I wondered if she really did know that he might be here. I wouldn’t have put it past her. I also knew that I would never really find out for sure. I wasn’t sure why, but I found myself saying, “Ok. Five minutes.”

  I walked with Jeremy over to an empty table where we sat down. “So, how have you been?” He asked.

  “Fine,” I said.

  “Good. You look fantastic.”

  “Yeah, what did you have to say to me?” I demanded. Sitting there with him, all of those angry feelings came up. He’d practically broken it off with me because I wouldn’t sleep with him. But Jeremy had never actually said that. It was true though. I knew it. I told him that I was not ready for an intimate relationship and admitted to him that I was a virgin. The following week, he told me that we should see other people. His words were “The relationship is not really moving forward. We have stagnated.” I knew exactly what he was getting at.

  Now he just happened to be here and was going to use this as an opportunity for me to give him another chance, which he would use until he just got bored with me and decided that he wanted to play around. Or he would sleep around on me until I decided to give in and give it up to him. After that he would probably lose interest and just move on altogether.

  Just like my father had done. I was only eight years old when my parents split up and it would be years before I learned the truth of why. And I would also learn that my mother, despite knowing what my father had done to dishonor their marriage, had taken him back two years later. She claimed she did it for me. I’d always been very close to my father, but ever since I learned the truth I had been unable to fully forgive him for his transgressions. And it had stained my feelings when it came to men in my life. That was something I had to deal with. I had told no one about this, not even Tessa.

  “I know that the way things ended with us was messy,” Jeremy said. “And I take full respons
ibility for that.”

  “That’s very big of you,” I said flatly.

  He sighed. I was not making this easy for him and he was getting flustered. Good. I wanted to slap his head off. Just being this close to him filled me with seething rage, and I’d never even hit anyone before. My heart had been made bitter by men like him. I was tired of feeling that I was only valuable to a man if they saw the relationship going physical. My biggest fear was that I would give myself away and then that experience would be tied to something negative when the inevitable breakup happened shortly after. I wasn’t going to let that happen to me.

  “You’re angry. I get it. You have every right to be.”

  “Oh, do I? Thanks for your permission.” Was he for real? He was throwing every single cliché from the breakup handbook. What a jerk.

  “I missed you immediately. I knew it was the wrong thing to do. I wanted to call you. I wanted to apologize.”

  “Why didn’t you do then?” I asked.

  “Because for some reason I thought you might be hostile,” he said a bit snippy.

  I rolled my eyes and stood up to leave.

  His hand shot out and grabbed my arm. “I’m sorry. Please hear me out.”

  I’m not sure why, but I sat back down. I was still ready to bolt. This guy was on the thinnest ice with me.

  He looked me in the eye. “Listen, this isn’t easy for me.”

  “Oh, like it was easy being dumped by you. I thought we really had something and you just threw me away like I was a piece of garbage.”

  “I know,” Jeremy said. “I was so wrong. I am so sorry that I hurt you. I was confused about what I wanted. I just didn’t think I could handle that you were saving yourself. I guess I got scared.”

  “Scared? Of what?” I asked. He had me a bit curious.

  “I was afraid of the way you would respond. I knew that I hurt you and I’m so sorry for that. I was scared that you would just hate me and that it would cause you even more pain since I figured you were trying to move on.”

  “You’re right. So, why are you reaching out to me now?” I asked.

  He looked down, his eyes sullen and his body language closed off like he was actually afraid of the words that were about to come out of his mouth. I hated it, but I felt a bit sorry for him. He was good at connecting with the nurturing side of me. I was too soft hearted for my own good, but at the same time I could hold a grudge with the best of them.

  Jeremy licked his lips and then looked into my eyes with pain in his gaze. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot. I’ve missed you so much, and it’s been a while. I was hoping you’d had some time to heal, and we could sit down and have this conversation. I would like to give us another chance. I know I don’t deserve it, but if you could see it in your heart to just give me a chance—we can start slow, and see how things go from there. I want to show you that I’ve changed. If you would be willing to just take that chance and see it in your heart to forgive me a little bit. I know it will take time, but I desperately want to take the time to start earning back your trust.”

  I could see he was almost crying at this point. He was either a really good actor or he was getting very emotional about this. I wanted to give him another chance, but once I’ve been burned I won’t trust that person again. That’s just the way I’ve always lived my life.

  “I can’t,” I said. “Look, I appreciate you apologizing and I can see that you really mean what you’re saying. I believe you. But, I just can’t. I would always be wondering if that was going to happen again and that wonder would prevent us from moving forward. We would stall out and it would just cause pain for the both of us. So, I’m sorry. I really can’t.”

  Jeremy wiped his eyes. His lips were quivering. I could see how emotional he was being, but I was right in the way I felt. Once someone betrayed my trust they were just not trustworthy any longer in my eyes. I would always wonder, and it just took the right set of circumstances for them to revert back to their previous ways.

  Jeremy covered his mouth for a second and I thought he might burst into a full on cry, but then he stopped and cleared his throat. “I knew I blew it. I just hoped against hope that there might be some way for us to put this stuff behind and to start fresh, but I guess there really isn’t. I’m sorry. But I do think you are making a mistake. The road to love is always messy. It’s full of stops and starts and all sorts of mistakes. I think it’s wrong that you are actually throwing this away because of one mistake and not willing to give us another chance.”

  “I threw it away?” I recoiled. “I didn’t throw anything away. You dumped me because I wouldn’t sleep with you. That’s pretty pathetic. And the fact that you won’t own up to that shows that it was for the best. I would have eventually found out that we were not meant to be together. So, that’s it; we are done.”

  I stood up and walked back to join my friends without so much as a glance back in Jeremy’s direction. The guy hadn’t really changed at all. I could see it deep down inside of him.

  “So, what did he want?” Tessa asked me when I sat back down at our table.

  She could see that I was visibly annoyed. “Oh, the jerk wanted to get back together.”

  “After the way he treated you? The nerve,” Cheryl said.

  “Yeah, so I flat out refused. You don’t get to treat me that way and expect a second chance,” I said. I grabbed my drink and took a healthy sip. I was angry, but I was also hurt. I would have liked to have given Jeremy that chance. I was tired of being alone. But that wouldn’t have solved the issues between us. I always would have felt like we were not compatible and wondering if he was just with me because he wanted to be my first. All sorts of strange thoughts swirled around inside of my head about this man. I thought I was over the pain he caused me, but I wasn’t. I was not used to sharing my heart with someone. I’d always been carefully guarded in that respect, but with Jeremy I really thought I’d found someone that I could open up with.

  Tessa raised an eye and leaned in closer. “Are you sure that was the right decision?”

  I looked at her as if she was crazy. What was she getting at? Of course it was the right decision. “Yes. You think I should have fallen for his sob story?”

  “Well, you haven’t been happy since you stopped dating him and maybe he did change somehow. People can change.”

  “No. I’m not sure they can, not really. I’m standing beside my decision firmly.”

  Tessa laughed and nodded at me. “That’s my girl.”

  I guess she was testing me to make sure I wasn’t that stupid. The rest of the evening was a blur of drinking and dancing, laughing, and carrying on like a bunch of banshees. It was a good time and I knew that I desperately needed it. I was actually happy that Tessa had dragged me out tonight. I was feeling almost like my old self.

  And as I danced, I saw Jeremy getting up to leave. I wasn’t sure why, but in that moment, I felt drawn to him. Maybe there was a way we could start again and see what developed. Perhaps, I was being too angry about it all. I was unhappy. I was lonely. I did miss him. It couldn’t hurt to talk some more. At least have some coffee, some conversation and just see. If at any time I felt that it wasn’t going to work, then I would just cut things off. That would be it.

  On the Uber ride back home as Tessa drifted in and out of consciousness (the girl had drank a ton) I texted Jeremy. “It was good to see you. I need some time to think about things. But maybe we can get together for coffee sometime.”

  He texted back quickly. “I would love that.”

  When we got home, I was tired but I stayed up a bit to do some sketching on my pad. It was something I often did that helped me to settle the emotional baggage of the day and to get myself ready for a restful sleep.

  As I sketched I found my thoughts drifting a bit, mostly about my dating history. I had a bit of a checkered past with men, or at least that was how I liked to think about things. I’d only had a few serious relationships, but in none of those did I think I
was ever close to being truly in love, or that there was even the potential for falling head over heels in love. I wanted that badly, but I was starting to feel that I might be overreaching. Maybe that sort of love like you saw in the movies or you heard on the radio and heard other people describe wasn’t as real or as authentic as the world liked to believe it was. They made it seem like there was something wrong with you if you didn’t have someone in your life that you felt that way about.

  Maybe I was wrong. Perhaps, there was just something wrong with me. I’m an artist and I’ve always felt things too deeply, so why then was true love so elusive for me? I wanted to know what it was like to care about someone ten times more than you care about yourself. I wanted to know what it was that I was really missing.

  Or maybe, what I was so afraid of? Was that it? Was I really just afraid to go all in, cash those chips, and let it all be what it would be? That was a scary feeling to let go of yourself like that.

  And yes, I was terrified of it.

  But somewhere deep inside of me, I knew that one day I would find that man. I would discover that love that really was going to transform my life inside and out. But I had no idea when that would actually happen. What would it take and when would this mystery man waltz into my world?

  My eyes were feeling heavy, so I stopped my sketch and started to put it away. If I was going to be functional at work tomorrow at all, then I would have to get some rest.

  As I put the sketchpad to the side, it caught my eye what I’d drawn on the blank page. My mind had been lost so deeply in my thoughts that I wasn’t even fixated on what I was actually working on, but there it was plain as day. It was startling and I had to take a moment to look at what I’d drawn.

  It was a picture of Ricky. He was leaning up against the wall with his shirt off, his bulging muscles rippling as beads of sweat trickled down his skin. He was standing in front of a firehouse wall it would appear and he was about halfway undressed out of his uniform.