Frog

by Stephen Dixon

  He forgets exactly what he said to make her continue listening and not call the police, if she was really going to. Days later she said she didn’t have the phone in her hand then but was thinking of going to the living room to call. He knows he said he wanted to give her a quick rundown of who he was and what he did and where he lived and so on, just so she’d have some idea of him and know or at least think there was a greater chance of it that he was rational and respectable and no criminal or kook. That way maybe she’d look differently on him. And maybe, though without opening her door if that was the way she wanted it, and preposterous as this outcome probably was, give him her name and phone number so he could call her some later time. And “later time” not meaning tonight but in a few days to a week or as far off as she wanted, but he would hope relatively soon. Or if she preferred to call him, he could give her his name and phone number. Certainly his name. He gave it. Waited for her to give hers. She didn’t. He could even give her the names and phone numbers of people he knew whom she might know and she could call them about him. Would she prefer that? If she did, he’d wait till she got paper and pen or he could even write the names and numbers out for her or slip a paper and pen under the door so she could write them down. She didn’t answer. Really, he said: intelligent, decent people. Educators, writers, a translator, a magazine editor; even a publisher of a small trade house here in New York. He listened. She didn’t ask who they were or if that was what he did: write, possibly teach. He was going too far, wasn’t he? he said. But, quite truthfully, though he also knew he wasn’t telling her anything she didn’t already know, he was attracted to her and didn’t want this to be a lost opportunity where he’d never see her again. Which was why, of course, he was making such a terrible fool of himself and putting her through all this and risking being grabbed by the super or the police. And don’t worry, he said. None of her neighbors had opened their doors to look, nor had he heard any of them come to their doors or open their peepholes. They must all be out. She didn’t say anything. Or just very circumspect, or apathetic, inattentive, uninquisitive, reclusive to a fault or for any number of reasons didn’t want to involve themselves in possible trouble. Tenants were tenants whatever New York City building you were in. Would she agree with any of that? Then what did she think about anything he’d said so far? Still no response. He asked if she was still there. Yes, she said, from right behind the door. And if she had called the super or the police? No. Then could he also tell her, and then he’d go, how he usually felt at parties when he went alone and essentially didn’t know anyone there: uncomfortable, a party imposter, which was another reason he’d asked her to come with him. That had nothing to do with her, she said. He could go, he didn’t have to go, all that was his business solely. He knew, he knew, he said, but was just saying, maybe for lack of anything else to say. No, that wasn’t so. He also told her what the bride was to him. That they had once been very good friends, mates for a while, and he wasn’t saying this to do anything but state a fact, though why he felt he had to state that fact was perhaps another matter and one he should look into…. But the bride and he didn’t work out, and also why she’d invited him. It was a strange story. He started laughing. He didn’t know if he could tell it through a door or keep it to thirty seconds, for that was how long she said she’d give him before she probably would call the super. He told it in a minute. One minute-ten to be exact, he said, looking at his watch before and after. She thought the story bizarre and funny. The part about the gun especially. Did he think her husband was serious? Just a big windbag, he said, or seemed. If she were he she wouldn’t go to the reception. He really shouldn’t have been invited, for it’ll probably make the groom uncomfortable seeing him there. He believed another ex-lover of hers would be there too, he said; the one who’d come in to the bar with her for the daiquiris. Even worse, she said. Something was slightly off about this woman. But he was right not to have gone to the wedding ceremony, though she didn’t know if he hadn’t gone for what she’d consider the right reason. But now to think about taking someone to the reception whom he’d just met in an elevator in the same building the reception was? It’d seem his motives were questionable now and that he wanted to take her to make it an even better story to tell or to get back at the bride some way. No, positively not, he said. He wanted to take her for the reasons he gave before, which he was sure she didn’t want to hear again: his unease at going alone, but much more so because he was attracted to her, that lost opportunity he mentioned, and thought if she came with him it’d be a pleasant enough place to get to know her a little and perhaps other way around for her too. Festive atmosphere, lots of convivial people, familiar building, two elevator rides and a short lobby walk to her own apartment, if it were cold out he’d say she wouldn’t even have to put on a sweater, etcetera. But if she wanted he could skip the reception and they could go out for coffee or any kind of snack, all on him, not that he didn’t think she could pay for it. But better yet why didn’t she just come to the reception for half an hour? She didn’t say anything. Even less time than that if she wanted. That way he could fulfill his obligation to go to the reception, since he had told the bride he’d be there and that seemed to mean something to her. And he supposed they could get coffee there as well as at any coffee shop and certainly far better snacks, maybe a glass of champagne if she wanted, and they could talk for part or most of that time, and that would be that unless she wanted to stay longer. If she didn’t, then he could stay and she could go home, or they could take a long or short walk after that half an hour to less, and then she could go home and he’d return to the party or just go home himself. Probably that. But what does she say? She didn’t know, she said. He was a most convincing arguer or fabricator. Not so, he said. He was usually inarticulate, garble-mouthed, preternaturally slow to think of the right things to say to win any argument or just thought of them too late. There was an expression for that in Yiddish, another in French, perhaps most languages—what you thought after the door had been slammed on you and you walked downstairs. Steps-in-mouth. Tongue-unfurled-only-on-the-dark-stairs. For arguing, convincing, more than simple conversing, even explaining, just weren’t for him, except now and then, like maybe now. And as for lying? She’d said fabricating and she was sorry she’d said it, she said. No no, he said. He didn’t, why would he? since in addition to other reasons, probably the most flagrant was that he was such a poor speaker he’d be seen through too easily. Though with the door shut it was true he might be more adept at it, since the person being lied to wouldn’t see his giveaway face. No, what he did do well was run on unintelligibly about relatively nothing and make it seem no more than that. But really, what does she say? She still didn’t know, she said. He swore there’d be no problems. Not on his knees, for he had his only good dress pants on and he was going to a party—No, no more bad jokes, for the time being. And ten minutes at the most?

  She invited him in for coffee. Maybe that’d be the best idea, she’d said, though she wasn’t sure why. They talked, drank tea and ate toast. Her expression when she’d opened the door was reserved, observing. He’d said then honestly, he had no gun and then that that was a stupid remark. After awhile she said there didn’t seem to be anything menacing about him but she still felt he’d acted very strangely, pursuing her when everything she’d said and did was against it and he could have been locked up. He said maybe once, twice in his life had he acted that way but never so inexorably. She said he was either lying to her, again or for the first time, or had forgot. Their respective families, educations, what each did professionally, where he lived and they’d been brought up, how’d she got the apartment, something about a print on her wall above the piano: naked woman riding a big furious bull, and not about what each thought it meant. Was that, he thinks he said, what playing the piano was to her? She laughed—not then, and he forgets what it was over or even if it was something he’d said that did it. Soon after she said maybe going to the party for half an hour—he’d asked
again when she was still smiling—would be all right. Even if she wouldn’t know anyone there but the Rerkovskys, she liked champagne almost more than anything and at wedding receptions you usually got the best. She was kidding of course, and maybe it wasn’t such a good idea—it’d seem she’d come only for the party. Those questions she spoke about before would probably be asked: how’d they know each other, and so on. So they’d lie, he said. Oh, what should she do?—give her five minutes to dress. She shut the bedroom door. He sat on the couch not believing his luck and hoping she wouldn’t change her mind. They went. She said once that she was having a good time, smiled warmly at him several times, spoke at length with Sid Rerkovsky about a neighborhood park problem and that she thought she could be of some help, told Howard after about an hour that she was leaving and he needn’t walk her to her door. He stayed another hour, went home, couldn’t stop thinking of her, wanted to call her, told himself not to for a couple of days, drank himself to sleep while reading several days of papers. They saw each other a few afternoons later. For almost every other night for months. Had an argument: she said he’d been repeatedly rude and hostile to her mother and to a lesser extent to other people and that was something she couldn’t take in the man she was seeing. He said her mother had been hostile to him from day one, which would make him rude to her he supposed but didn’t know, and as for the other people, he didn’t know what the fuck she was talking about. They broke up, got back together a month later: he’d phoned, asked if he’d left a very important book to him at her apartment, knew she’d see through the pretext but thought he had to use something like it than saying straight off how much he missed her, dreamt of her, could hardly work because of her, that he’d been writing one a night these idiotic gushy poems about her, did she think they could meet to talk over some of their differences and so on? She said she didn’t remember seeing the book but would look, but before she hung up, was that really why he’d called? He said it was a pretext, knew she’d see through it and was glad she had, and how much he missed her… They met, talked, started seeing each other again, he moved in with her, they had dinner at the Rerkovskys a number of times and had them over once, got married, the Rerkovskys wanted to give the reception in their apartment but she wanted to have a small wedding in her apartment and didn’t want the Rerkovskys to be at the even smaller ceremony there. Had their first child less than a year later, moved to where a good job was for him, another child, she resumed teaching but evenings, lots else, then what happened to her happened.

  Now he’s back with the woman whose wedding reception it was. Gail. She’s divorced, has a child. He got a Christmas card from her nine years after her wedding reception and wrote back saying what had happened to him since then. “You might remember the woman I came with, but I doubt you’d remember much on such an exciting day. Much that wasn’t connected to you, I mean.” She’d sent him a Christmas card the two Christmases after she got married. He sent her a card back for the first one but doesn’t think he got around to answering the second. Must have been just after Olivia was born, so too busy to, or just didn’t see the point. Then he stopped hearing from her. From the Rerkovskys he’d learned she moved to Rome with her husband, and soon after that he and Denise left New York and lost touch with the Rerkovskys. It was the Rerkovskys, she said, who told her what school he got a job at years ago, which is where she sent the card, hoping he was still there or it’d be forwarded. She called him a few months later saying she’d be attending a conference in his city and would he care to come by her hotel for a drink. Did. They met downstairs, drank in the bar. He called the sitter to see if she’d stay another two hours, they had a quick dinner in the hotel cafe, went to her room for beers, made love. They corresponded and called after that, visited each other, she wondered why she hadn’t found him this attractive back then. “I think I would have asked you to marry if I had. Maybe fatherhood and having been married and holding a responsible job and security and all you went through with your wife’s illness have toned you down a ways. You were often a lot too argumentative and unsociable and crazy to me then. Even your sex was a bit too flaky, picking me up with you stuck in me and pinning me against the wall and sometimes banging me against it till you came. That hurt. Who cared if you got lost in it—I used to get bruises on my ass and back. It used to piss me off, if you remember, since you continued trying to do it even after I told you how I felt.” “I’d probably still be doing it if I wasn’t ten years older and no doubt somewhat weaker. Last time I tried it with Denise was a couple of years ago—she was a little heftier than you, and she never complained when I did it—and I could barely pick her up. I think I even fell. Anyway, something for you to thank the aging process for.” “Even your foreplay action has changed. You used to rub my cunt too softly and kiss it too hard and I could never get you to switch those two.” “That was your and Denise’s doing. I figured that after the two of you had said it, and also some vague remembrances of other women saying something like it in the past, I had to be doing something wrong. Didn’t make me feel that good either, realizing my technique there had been off some thirty years, even if some women might not have been aware it was, but I’m probably wrong there too.”

  He told her he found her much more attractive now too. He’d always found her attractive, face and body, with legs and a rear end that gave him a hard-on almost every time he looked at them, but he could never love her. As he did Denise. And other women before Denise. Certain things about her. She annoyed him at times, though he didn’t say so. Things she did and said. She was educated but not in areas he found interesting. She read stupid books, wanted to see what he knew would be banal movies and plays. She too frequently watched moronic TV. She was too showy in appearance. She barely tolerated the music he liked and hated it when he had it on in the car. “It’s depressing, funereal, old.” Her voice was often fake. There was something unnatural about her in lots of ways. Too much time in front of the mirror, inspecting herself, clothes, trying out faces, poses. Sometimes he caught her. And that it didn’t embarrass her when he did. Hair, which she seemed to change the style of every other month, and nose, which she was seriously thinking of getting bobbed and pugged. He’d never touch it, he told her, if she did get it fixed. But he was lonely for close adult company and inherently horny it seemed and depressed when he did it to himself. There’d been two women for short periods before her and both he showed minimal interest in and they dropped him abruptly. Their sex was good. She got him started even when he thought he wouldn’t feel like it, and let him do it whichever way and whenever he wanted to, even when she was sleeping, except for picking her up. She was smart and well respected in her field, perceptive about other people, had a few bright congenial friends. She was a good mother and daughter and warm and attentive to his girls. And generous with money—and made lots of it and stood to inherit a bundle, which didn’t influence him and he’d in fact always got along better with much poorer women. Thought of interesting things to do with the girls and them, got him away from his work, was lively, sometimes funny, energetic. Great cook, kept a clean house, did his taxes better than he, went out of her way to aid disabled people across the street, and other things. So one day he says “Hey listen, what’re we fooling around for—why don’t we get married?” She says “Only if you’re absolutely sure you want to. Occasionally I don’t feel you really love me.” “I do. I want to marry you. Both very much. Only, promise not to get a nose job. We’ll write it into our marriage contract. I don’t know what I can agree to to meet it. Certainly nothing about money, since whatever I save has to go to my girls first, and it’ll be chicken feed compared to what you’ll be able to put away. That I’ll keep my sperm count high in case you want another child.” “I won’t. And I can’t promise. I’ve an awful nose. It’s long, droops, and has bumps. Some women look sweet with a drop dripping out of a nostril or hanging off it, but I look gargoylish. What I think of myself is important, so I probably will go through with it in additio
n to surgery with the chin and around the eyes if I think I need it later on.” “At least, before you let them break your nose and hack away at the cartilage, give me a day to try to talk you out of it.” He wonders if he’ll ever end up loving her, be glad he’s married to her, be able to continue to make love with her, can keep up the pretense for years? He thinks with the sex he can, since he’s able to separate it when he wants to, but doubts he can with the others. So what then? They’ll stay married for a number of years, with luck till around the time his girls might not need her as much or need him, to restrain him sometimes and for his self-control and composure, to have a companion anymore, and also when he might be too indifferent or lost something somehow to care about having a woman around for just company and sex.

  They get married. No honeymoon. He doesn’t want to leave his girls so soon after the marriage. Desertion. Gail and her daughter move into his little semidetached house, she gets a high-paying job in his city, in a few months has the roof reshingled, basement finished, most of the furniture replaced, kitchen recabineted, tiny backyard and front and side grass areas sodded and planted with bulbs and fruit trees, and knows more places to buy things and go to and has made more friends than he and Denise had in years. He tells her he loves her whenever he feels she needs to hear it, but he never means it. Wishes he did though. That he could think about her wistfully during the day, late afternoons long for her to come home, want to jump her before they get into bed, cuddle with her through sleep, dream of making love to her, kiss her lips when he gets out of bed early morning to exercise and run. He still thinks about Denise a lot, as much as he did before he met Gail. Doing day-to-day things. Typing, driving, fluffing a pillow. But also, if he can’t get an erection with Gail and wants to, he’ll think about making love with Denise, especially with him on his knees behind her and one time in particular when the lights were on or it was daylight and she had her rear raised and vulva opened, and usually gets one. Also, if he’s about to come with Gail and she’s close to it or he feels if she does he’ll sleep better because she will or else he wants her to come before he does so he can then, once she’s done, enter her from behind, he’ll think of Denise just after she died or when he opened the coffin the night before the funeral to have a last private look at her and kissed her forehead and wedding band or when she was bedridden and unable to move even a finger or toe. Then his penis will shrink, ejaculation be stalled, and he’ll press their pelvises together and go through the motions and rub her where she likes if he can get his hand there and she’ll usually come and then he’ll urge or turn her over on her hands and knees if she isn’t on them and maybe think of making love with Denise or just Denise nude or just of her vulva if he has to to get an erection and do it in the position, if she moves back and forth at the right time, he likes best.