Dear Fahrenheit 451

by Annie Spence

  The Book of Speculation by Erika Swyler

  This surreal novel moves back and forth between the past and future of one family. In the present, sad Simon from Long Island works as a librarian and lives alone in his crumbling family home. One day he receives an old book filled with odd pictures of carnival life and discovers his grandmother is mentioned in it. The narrative that takes place in the past is the story of those mentioned in the mysterious book—wandering carnival acts who are somehow linked with Simon’s maternal history and possibly a strange family curse. And there’s merrrrrmaaaaids!

  Mayumi and the Sea of Happiness by Jennifer Tseng

  I mean, another sad librarian. We’re not all so disenchanted, but, c’mon, who wants to read a novel about a happy library employee whose only character development is getting pumped for the interlibrary loans? Mayumi is a librarian on a coastal island off New England who awakens from her routine life as a wife, mother, and career gal by obsessing over a seventeen-year-old male patron. After months of fantasizing, she embarks on an affair and also begins a friendship with the young man’s mother (don’t ask). The obsession only intensifies, rendering the life that Mayumi returns to every day that much more oppressive.

  Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World by Haruki Murakami

  Oh man, this is a book by Haruki Murakami. There is a librarian in it. That’s all I can say for sure and also should be enough information to make you want to dive into this complex, heady, genre-bending tide of “Whaaaa?????” But I’ll give the plot summary a whirl: with each chapter in this novel, the reader alternates between two worlds. The first: reality (sort of), where our hero, a data processor, encounters an evil-genius-professor type who messes with his brain. He can steal sound. The second mythical world is weird as shit and that’s where the library is and it has unicorn skulls in it. There. I tried. Read it, though.

  Falling Down the Rabbit Hole: Books That Lead to More Books

  Sometimes, a book can take you on a journey far beyond the story itself. Sometimes, one thing leads to another and, six months later, you’re reading about the existence of telepathic bionic soldiers and someone asks you how this obsession came to be and you’re like, “My friend Kyle gave me The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell.” And they’re like, “What the?” And you’re like, “Seriously, shut up. I’m reading.” It’s the best kind of downward spiral. Let me take you on one now … (Cue: Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka: “If you want to vieewwww Paradise…”)

  The Virgin Suicides by Jeffrey Eugenides

  At this point in the book, you may have gathered that I’m more than curious about the work of Mr. Eugenides and The Virgin Suicides is my ab fave, so let’s start here. A dark story about the five gorgeous and depressed Lisbon sisters, told from the brilliant point of view of the group of boys that grew up watching them, adoring them, and losing them. Every line is perfect. I. Just. Can’t. Even.

  We Agreed to Meet Just Here by Scott Blackwood

  Needing to feed the beast for another lyrical beaut of a story about a community suffering from loss, Blackwood’s slim novel is just the thing. This book is also told from the perspective of an entire neighborhood and features a beautiful young woman in danger. But there is another character, Odie, an old man who, in his youth, was the first person to find the bodies of the Peoples Temple at Jonestown and, later in the book, believes himself to be having conversations with Jim Jones himself. And then you’re going to get a little taste of the details surrounding the Jonestown cult and mass murder/suicide and you’re going to need to know more about that.

  Stories from Jonestown by Leigh Fondakowski

  The author of this book spent years compiling interviews with the survivors of Jonestown, most of whom lost family members in the massacre. Learn about their lives inside the Peoples Temple movement, which did not start out to be such a crazy movement, you guys. It was its own dark rabbit hole. You’ll also hear about the lives of the survivors in the aftermath of the tragedy.

  Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood, and the Prison of Belief by Lawrence Wright

  Now you’re into the world of religious cults. You’re welcome. I won’t kid myself into thinking you’re not going to be reading pretty much every other book ever written about Jonestown first, but when the Jim Jones well runs dry, you’ve got L. Ron Hubbard. And he’ll fill the evil crazy hole in your heart. Wright, an investigator, gives it all up in this exposé, including that this religion was started by a man who believed he came to know celestial secrets under the gas at the dentist and some good stuff about Travolta.

  Gold Fame Citrus by Claire Vaye Watkins

  If you’re starting to bum out a bit from the real-life corruption and power-hungry prophets but you’re still aroused by the Hollywood glitz and the lure of the soothsayer, take your jaded heart over to the fiction section and pick up Gold Fame Citrus. In the near future, serious drought has left California deserted, save mostly for criminals and hippies. A young couple is camping out in a starlet’s abandoned mansion in Laurel Canyon until events move them to leave L.A., with a small child (okay, a stolen child and this is another connection with Going Clear because Hubbard is said to have abducted a baby as well). They stumble upon a colony of people living in the massive and otherwise abandoned sand dunes caused by the drought, led by a prophet figure. That’s all I’m going to say. So good. This is one of those books you’re going to ignore your family and friends for, so go ahead and set out some snacks ahead of time. Gah, it’s good. I pictured Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling for the young lovers and Brad Pitt as the mysterious sand nomad, if anyone’s asking.

  No One Is Here Except All of Us by Ramona Ausubel

  “Oh, hello, I just finished Gold Fame Citrus and I’m looking for another excellent, lushly written fantastical novel that features a community of people who have cut themselves off from society in response to a major world event.”

  Can. Do. Ausubel’s novel takes us backward in time instead of forward, to 1939 in Romania, where a small Jewish village knows the war is closing in on them. So they decide to willfully ignore it. All of it. All of history. They all give each other new jobs and spouses and children. And although it certainly isn’t an uplifting book, it’s a very loving book and it will make you Think and Feel.

  Everything Is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer

  Another novel with the qualities of a fable and a connection to World War II, Everything Is Illuminated features a young man who travels to a village in Ukraine seeking a woman believed to have saved his grandfather from the Nazis. This story thread is paralleled with the narrator’s reimagining of the past history of the village. Foer touches on themes familiar to No One Is Here Except All of Us, but his story has some definite comedy to it, in case you were feeling like you’re going to need therapy if things don’t start looking up on this book journey.

  Running Away to Home: Our Family’s Journey to Croatia in Search of Who We Are, Where We Came From, and What Really Matters by Jennifer Wilson

  Switching back over to nonfiction but keeping the Eastern European vibe and the interest in family history, join Wilson as she writes about how her family picked up and left their indulgent life in Iowa and moved to the village in Croatia where Wilson’s ancestors hail from. The author’s search into her Croatian ties and the experience of the family’s sincere effort to live a more simple life make for an endearing read. They eat a lot of sausage. Whether that grosses you out or makes you want to nosh on some kielbasa, be prepared.

  Great Plains by Ian Frazier

  Once you’ve whet your appetite for travel writing with a soft spot for history, you’re going to get wanderlust, and Frazier’s Great Plains is a great book to wander into. Frazier travels by rusted-out van across the Great Plains, visiting historical sites like the location of the murder that sparked the true-crime genre, In Cold Blood, and regaling readers with the history of the prairie people, from Crazy Horse to Bonnie and Clyde. You’ll be like, “Dang, road trip anyone?”
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br />   The Disenchantments by Nina LaCour

  But if you’re broke or don’t have any friends to go road trippin’ with, read the charming YA novel The Disenchantments. I love “we just graduated” stories, and this one doesn’t disappoint. Colby tags along with his BFF and unrequited love, Bev, and her all-girl band on a summer tour. Bev’s growing distant, they’re really into the rock group Heart, they’re angsty and selfish and confused and sad all at once. It is an excellent summer-afternoon read. But either unfriend your high school crush ahead of time or don’t drink for a few days after you finish in order to avoid leaving an embarrassing Facebook message for them: “I was so in love with you! And you Didn’t. Even. Care.”

  And if, after all that, you’re hankering for another novel about teen boys longing for distracted and disturbed teen girls, it’s probably about time you read The Virgin Suicides again. Except this time when someone asks you if you like it, you can say, “Yes, and now I know all about the Peoples Temple and kielbasa and John Travolta and the Nazis.”

  He’s Just Not That into Literacy: Turning Your Lover into a Reader

  If you go home with somebody and they don’t have books, don’t fuck ’em.

  —John Waters

  Man, don’t do it with someone that doesn’t enjoy reading! What are you going to talk about after? But all is not lost. Librarians turn people on to reading every day, and we are fervent believers that there is a book for everyone. Let’s walk through the process of turning your lover from easy to easy reader.

  Casually ask your partner what the last thing they read was and refer to the following typical responses for reading advice. We’ll get through this together.

  “Hunger Games. I read the whole series in three days.” (Or Fifty Shades or Twilight, etc. etc.)

  Okay, this is promising because this answer means your lover already loves reading. They’re just too lazy to seek out books for themselves. Help them realize that they don’t have to wait until the next movie franchise to enjoy a thrilling read. This type of book snacker likes drama and fast pacing, and they probably prefer the momentum and deluge effect of a series. Some obvious recommendations are the Divergent series, by Veronica Roth, and The Lunar Chronicles by Marissa Meyer. But if you think they’re ready to branch out of the young-adult genre, try Annihilation by Jeff VanderMeer (first of a trilogy), or any of Gillian Flynn’s addictive novels. Both VanderMeer and Flynn have books that have been turned into movies but are so good that your partner might forget about films altogether and dive into the written word.

  “An Onion article about dolphins.”

  This says to me humor in short savvy doses that give off a teeny jolt of superiority. There are definitely books for this sort of reader. The Onion publishes a book every once in a while. But to further expand your honey’s horizons, hand over the smart ’n’ snarky essays in Fraud by David Rakoff. For more hilarity and even some blushing, give them Jenny Lawson’s dark gut-buster of a memoir Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. Also, either of the Sedaris siblings (David or Amy) are a no-fail. I find something newly hysterical every time I read Amy Sedaris’s I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence, including the autograph I have on the title page, in which she wrote, “Annie—Drinking kills feelings.”

  “My mom’s recipe card for Pungent Chicken Livers.1 Take a whiff!”

  First, there is a not-so-small population of people who sit down and read cookbooks like novels. It’s a thing. I recommend Vegan Soul Kitchen by Bryant Terry and Momofuku Milk Bar by Christina Tosi for that. An appetizer of books. Next, a steady diet of foodie writing. Start with Lucy Knisley’s Relish, the memoir of a food lover in comic book form (with recipes!). If they’re open to that, gently guide them into fiction with Like Water for Chocolate by Laura Esquivel and its modern counterpart, The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake by Aimee Bender, both magical novels about characters who are able to transmit emotion through food. With any luck, the message their next savory dish will express is “What do you know, I do like to read!”

  “The liner notes to [insert latest vinyl album that still has liner notes].”

  If you’re going steady with someone who likes the dirt on his/her favorite musicians, they will love reading The Dirt by Mötley Crüe and Neil Strauss. Even if they’ve never listened to “Dr. Feelgood.” Doesn’t matter. It’s vulgar and salacious and a great opener into the musician-biography section. Once interest has been piqued, let flow the river of pop-music profiles. You can’t go wrong with anything by Peter Guralnick. Also Le Freak: An Upside Down Story of Family Disco and Destiny by Nile Rodgers is fascinating. Rodgers is the man behind most of the music you love, including David Bowie, Madonna, and Daft Punk. Also Hunger Makes Me a Modern Girl, the memoir of Sleater-Kinney’s guitarist, Carrie Brownstein. After reading these, your partner’s music-book pile is going to start filling up on its own.

  “Vogue. Like the magazine.”

  For those moved by style but “meh” on substance, the perfect book to balance the two out is Women in Clothes by Sheila Heti, Heidi Julavits, and Leanne Shapton. Okay, it’s over five hundred pages BUT it’s so dapper and divided into short, magazine-like features—interviews, photographs, and conversations about the meaning behind what women wear. You could also try artful books that your sweetheart will gravitate to for their briefness and chicness. Try author/designers Maira Kalman or Robert Klanten. If nothing else, your main squeeze can pose with them in front of an urbanish wall for their fashion blog.

  “The Unbearable Lightness of Being.” (You know for a FACT this was twelve years ago for a college course, but Lover Boy/Girl brings it up at parties like they just read it.)

  The only social perk readers get (the antisocial perks are aplenty) is seeming well-read at parties. If your escort is trying to earn cred with the same impressively dense novel at soiree after happy hour after potluck for a full decade, that is a mockery of your carefully assembled Have Read/ To Read piles, and you may need to reevaluate your relationship. If they start talking about books you read at parties, using details you told them while seemingly ignoring you? Instant dismissal. If you decide to stick around, demand to hear their thoughts on Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace. At 1,079 pages, it will give you something new to talk about and also serve as penance for spending twelve years without reading.

  “Um, the last episode of Scandal?”

  True, Scandal is a television show and not a book. But you would be surprised how often librarians have to give book suggestions based on a movie or TV show that people like because it’s been so long since they read a book that they no longer have a reference for what they would like to read. That’s okay. We don’t judge. We pity. And then we load their asses up with great books. So if your betrothed spends more time in front of the boob tube than the word cube (I tried), give them a book that meets the same criteria. For Scandal lovers and most reluctant readers, a great gateway genre is true crime. These books are usually quick, fascinating, and leave you wanting more. Start with The Man in The Rockefeller Suit by Mark Seal, about the dude who impersonated a Rockefeller and learned how far bravado and mediocre lies will get you (pretty far, turns out). Tinseltown: Murder, Morphine and Madness at the Dawn of Hollywood by William J. Mann also doles out a hearty dose of scandal. After they’re hooked, they can transition to the classics of the true-crime group (In Cold Blood, Helter Skelter) and subsequently into fictional crime classics.

  “My fantasy-baseball draft picks.”

  Jocks don’t get a lot of credit for being readers, but judging by the number of sporty books out there, I’d say that’s a misconception. Especially baseball books. There are A LOT of baseball books, but, like Dolly Parton says in the movie Straight Talk, the world could always use more baseball books—if they’re good. And Dolly is always right. So grab an autobiography of your friend’s favorite player or an historical account of the year their team won/almost won the World Series. When your friend has finished those, slip in Shoeless Joe by W. P. Kinsella
(the novel Field of Dreams was based on), and The Art of Fielding by Chad Harbach, a baseball book but also a multilayered novel about relationships. Your dearest will soon be addicted to reading. And instead of being annoyed that they don’t like to read before bed, you’re going to be pissed because they took your Joyce Carol Oates.

  “I’ve just recently shamed myself by binge-reading mommy blogs.”

  Hug this person. They are probably going to resist taking the time out to read because they suddenly feel the need to get rid of all the sugar in the house and make their own dry shampoo and buy a sensory development table and cry themselves to sleep. But they need to take a fucking chill pill and read a book that isn’t about parenting. I Think I Love You by Alison Pearson is a delightful romp of a book (in a British accent!) about a woman who finds her teenage dream of meeting David Cassidy coming true when she least expected it. I also recommend Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith for this type of reader. Just enough absurdity to make you forget your worries for a few hundred pages.

  BLANK STARE

  Your boo can’t even recall a title of a book he or she has heard of and so can’t lie about having read anything. This is a desperate situation and calls for professional intervention. Drag them into the library, get them a damn card, and hand them over to the reference desk. A librarian will know how to ask the right questions to illicit an actual response and send your lover home with a stack of books (probably audiobooks—baby steps) to try out. And if they actually cannot read (which is unfortunately more common than you would think), the library can help with that as well.

  Literal Reality: Get Outta This World, Get into These Books

  Do you ever feel so wrapped up in a story, it’s like you’re more in that world than your own? Gah, I love it when a book’s atmosphere is so intense that you have to look up to remind yourself where you are. You’re there in the book, rummaging through someone’s empty house looking for food after a near apocalypse and then suddenly your husband’s like, “Pizza’s here!” and you know you’re at your house, at your own dinner table, telling your kid to sit still and asking your husband how his day was, but part of you is still in the book and part of you is still an apocalypse survivor. That’s why you’re hoovering the pizza like you haven’t eaten in days. JK, that’s just how I eat pizza.