The Swan Gift

by Anne Spackman

  * * * * *

  The swans were back. Kristine was surprised and laughed in delight to see them at the Lakeshore again.

  “I haven’t seen swans in years,” she said.

  “Me, either,” Nate returned. He was tall and thin, blond, and prone to allergies. Why that occurred to her at that moment was something beyond her, but it had posed difficulties sometimes making sure he was safe from allergens.

  “Are you ok with swans?” she asked Nate.

  “Me? Oh yeah, I don’t think they’ll bother me,” he said. “Just feather pillows, and coats,” he added.

  “Here, I brought a snack bar. I’ll feed the swans,” said Kristine. And she pulled out an oatmeal granola bar she had in her purse, opened it, and fed it bit by bit to the cygnets, who scrambled around trying to get pieces of it.

  “They’re cute,” said Nate with a laugh. “Kristine, I just don’t see why you and I can’t get along these days. Something feels wrong, and I’m not sure what it’s all about. I do love you. I think I am just going through one of those mid-life crises.”

  “Oh,” was all Kristine managed.

  “I can’t help it, Kristine,” Nate went on. “I’m afraid. I feel—dissatisfied with my job as it is right now, and even though I love you, I can’t help but feel as though I should have stayed a bachelor longer. I know this hurts, but I’ve never hidden the truth from you, and I can’t and won’t start now.”

  “I understand. Are you saying you want to break up?”

  “Not exactly. I don’t know. It is also obviously up to you now considering what I’ve told you. But I want something new in my life, some change for the better, and I don’t know what it is.”

  “A vacation—would that help?”

  “To where? Should I leave in the middle of my project at work? I can’t leave now, and I’m not sure it would fix anything. It’s that I just wish I had done something else with my life.”

  “Oh God,” was all Kristine said. These were hard words to hear.

  “I can’t fix the past, or give myself more time, obviously,” said Nate. “And when you stop and realize how scared you are in your life all of a sudden—you feel a momentary bit of panic. It gets worse. I don’t usually feel this way, and I can’t handle it. I just want to be happy, and take care of you and you me, most of the time. It’s the other 10% of the time when I want to escape and do something completely different—that’s what’s bothering me. And it isn’t going away.”

  “Any place can be heaven, or it can be hell,” said Kristine.

  “Kristine—you can try to talk me out of this, but I don’t think any thing you say will help, and I’m not trying to be mean to you, just honest with you. I need time alone, or away, or something.”

  “I understand,” Kristine said, biting her lip, and nodded once. She didn’t cry at all.

  “You know, I have felt this way before a bit as well, but most of the time, I don’t. Maybe I just got too tired in the end, being worn down as it were by fears—I guess I couldn’t handle fears, so I started to ignore them. I’m not trying to say anything about what you’re going through, just know that I will try to understand and do whatever it is you need us—you—to do.”

  He was surprised. “I didn’t think you would be able to handle a break-up.”

  “Is this it?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Well, I can handle more than I thought I could a few years ago. But I do love you, too. Whatever I feel, whatever memories I have and cherish, I can keep them and be ok. Alone, if I must.”

  He stopped and turned to her.

  “Can I give you a hug?”

  “Sure.”

  They embraced.

  “I will arrange moving out,” said Nate. “You can keep everything, and I’ll pay the rent until the end of the year for you.

  “Nate—”

  “Hey, it’s the least I can do.”

  * * * * *

  Kristine never saw Nate again, but she did hear that he was living in New York City through a friend of a friend. Then one day came a small package in the mail.

  It was from Nate.

  On the outside was a letter. Kristine opened it.

  “I still love you. Hope life treats you well. Remember me kindly. I will be there if you ever really need me. –Nate.”

  She opened the package. Inside was a fine silver necklace with a diamond-studded swan pendant. Kristine gasped. From Nate? She wondered why. It had been five years since their break-up, and now this. It made no sense.

  But Kristine put the necklace around her neck. Wearing it that day made her think back on her life. All her life, she had supposed she had only one true Prince Charming waiting for her, and she would love that one man for always and build a life with him, have children, and have all of the other things she thought she wanted. Now, she had dated several great guys before Nate and had realized that the single Prince Charming fantasy didn’t work for everyone. After Nate, there had been more dates, and more love to come.

  But Kristine had spent six years with Nate, and had really thought he was the one at the time. Now, she knew that one of the greatest kinds of love she had known was a simple kind of care, for her family, for her true friends, and yes, even for Nate, wherever he would go. She didn’t need to be with him always to care for him as she did. But she loved another now.

  Kristine opened the door to her small apartment in Hyde Park, near where she had once lived as a student at the university. And as she fumbled for the indoor key, she heard a bus go by loudly outside in the distance. She walked up to her apartment in a minute, went inside, and sat down on a chair to read a philosophy compendium. The time read 5:27p.m. She got up and opened her mail, and went into her bedroom to put her swan gift in her jewelry box.

  Later that night, Jason came in, and she hugged him at the door.

  “How was work?” she asked. And he started to tell her. Halfway through his answer, he realized she wasn’t listening to it. “Kristine—”

  “Just look at you, you must be hungry.” She said. “What do you say we go into the city tonight for dinner?”

  “I would love to!” he said. “Just give me a minute to get my coat back on, and you need yours…”

  “Jason, you are the best.”

  Jason started to blush. “What brought this on?”

  “You, in part. Other things, too. I just realized that you are a great guy, and I am lucky to be here with you, sharing your day.”

  “Wow, well, that’s nice of you to say. I had a rough day today and you proposed just the right remedy, so let’s go, have a few drinks, have a nice dinner, and I will make love to my wife all night if she doesn’t mind. You look great… what did you do today?”

  “I got off work at 4:30. Then I came home. It’s been great weather. Let’s stay out a while.”

  And they did. And it was a good night for them both.