by Cat Miller
Grace really hoped he couldn’t see her standing there alone in the shadows. As soon as Victor touched Jack the tears had begun to flow. She couldn’t do this. She just couldn’t compete with every other woman and the men in Jack’s life. She should have listened when he told her he wasn’t ready to be monogamous. But when he’d approached her with jealousy and need burning in his touch, Grace had foolishly hoped Jack had changed his mind. He hadn’t.
Shame washed over Grace like acid. Victor said ‘our room’. They were staying together. She’d just put all of herself into making love to Jack. And he would be sharing a bed with Victor tonight. She just couldn’t do this to herself. It was over, here and now. Grace was going home for the rest of her winter break. She’d find a way to pay her parents back for this wasted trip. She would also need to find a way to forget about Jack.
A noise in the hall drew her attention away from her embarrassment. Grace stilled and tried not to breathe too loudly. She didn’t want to be discovered hiding in the office. A dark head poked around the door and searched the darkness. He found her huddled there and seemed to take in the situation instantly. He knew she’d made a mistake.
“There you are.” Luke’s soothing voice reached her through the shadows. “I’ve been waiting for you. Let’s get you back to your room. Things will look better in the morning.”
With an arm wrapped tightly around her shoulder, Luke got her back to her room. She produced a key card from her purse but couldn’t get the damn door open. Luke took the key and had the door open and Grace inside in a flash. She kicked off her shoes and just stood there. She was glad Luke was with her but she didn’t really want to talk. She just wanted to sleep. He took over, pulling her dress over her head and directing her to the bed. He tucked her in like a child and stepped into the bathroom. He brought a glass of water back and set it on the nightstand. Then he leaned over the bed and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.
“Things will look brighter in the morning,” he told her before switching out the light and exiting the room.
Grace really hoped Luke was right about that. She rolled to her side and did her best not to think about ever-changing eyes and diamond earrings.
THREE
Grace was getting back into the swing of things at school after winter break. It was time to buckle down and prepare for the end of her college career. She was so close to earning her MBA she could almost taste it. After her visit home Grace felt like she was grounded once again and back to feeling more like herself. Her newfound friendship with Luke was also blossoming. Luke was also a business major and it was nice to have a study partner who could keep up with her.
She still thought of Jack constantly, but every time his captivating, ever-changing blue-green eyes crept into her mind Grace remembered seeing him being kissed by Victor. After Jack let Victor pull him down the hall that night Grace had collapsed to the office floor. The combination of shame for allowing him to have her again, mortification because she’d used the L word, and the heart wrenching knowledge that she would never be with Jack like that again had taken Grace’s legs right out from under her. If it hadn’t been for Luke she never would have made it back to her room.
Grace also thought of how crushed she’d felt when she saw Jack with his blond bestie. Sickening jealousy and a sense of inferiority were the two overwhelming emotions that’d ruled her when Jack had the dazzling woman in his arms on the dance floor. She now stood in front of the long mirror mounted on her closet door. She was attractive but not a bombshell like the blond. Jessie didn’t agree, but Grace knew the truth. She just couldn’t compete with all that Jack already had in his life.
Jack was a stunning man who needed more than she would provide. It was a fact that she was learning to accept, especially after their bout of sex at the mountain top bar. He’d left her standing alone in the dark after a mind blowing experience that still haunted her. Protecting his boyfriend’s feelings took precedence over exploring their budding relationship. Grace supposed that was only right. Victor seemed to be accepting of Jack and his non-monogamous needs. Grace wanted to change Jack. He couldn’t have made his feelings any more clear when he walked away that night if he’d screamed them at her. Grace could take a hint. She wouldn’t go down that road again.
“Are you brooding again?” Jessie asked from her bed. “You’ve been staring at yourself for ten minutes. If I didn’t know better I’d think you were vain,” she teased.
Grace took a deep breath and tried again to push thoughts of Jack from her mind. “I guess I was brooding.” She shrugged.
There was no sense in lying to herself or Jessie. They both settled in to study for the night. Grace had a paper due the next day and she needed to go over it again and tighten it up a bit. Music played quietly from Jessie’s phone while they engrossed themselves in their work. Grace was so absorbed that she was startled when someone knocked on their door.
“I’ll get it,” she told Jessie, who was buried under a pile of books and papers.
Grace opened the door and her lungs froze. She wasn’t sure what was more surprising, Jack being at her door, or the fact that he was crying. He looked down at her through ocean colored eyes and wet lashes. Tears stained his cheeks and his breath was ragged, as if he were attempting to hold back a sob.
She had no idea what was causing Jack so much pain but Grace could not stand seeing him so distraught. She grabbed the hand he had fisted at his side and pulled him into the room. Jack noticed Jessie and put some effort into drying his face with the sleeve of his coat. Grace stepped into his space and wrapped her arms around his waist.
She feared one of Jack’s lovers had left him and he was mourning the loss. It would also cause her pain to hear him talk of his hurt over another person, but the sheer agony in his eyes was enough to stiffen her spine. She could do this for him. She could be a friend in his time of need. She might need therapy later but for now she would focus on Jack.
Jack wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her shoulder. The sob he’d been holding at bay broke loose. Jack shook with the force of his sorrow and clutched her to his chest. She held him tight and rubbed her hands up and down his back in a soothing gesture. From behind her Grace heard the door quietly open and close. Jessie had packed up her books and crept out of the room to give them some privacy. Grace just held onto Jack until his crying slowed and he took a deep lungful of air to settle himself. He didn’t lift his head from her shoulder when he finally spoke.
“It’s my dad,” he sniffled. “My dad is gone. He had a heart attack yesterday.” He was quiet then and Grace led him to her bed for a seat.
His words sank in slowly. This was not what she’d expected. No, this was far, far worse. He wasn’t heartbroken over a lost love. Jack was grieving the loss of his father. Grace briefly imagined her life without her gruff but loving father. The thought was too painful to do more than just give as a passing examination. Tears filled her eyes and escaped her lashes.
Grace enclosed Jack in her arms again and just held on tight while he crumbled. There was nothing she could say that would soothe his pain. No platitudes of regret would even be remembered. So she did the only thing she knew how to do. Grace loved him through it. She tugged him down and they lay there in a mournful embrace. She stroked his back and kissed his forehead.
Jack wept and cursed the universe for taking his father too soon. He clutched her to his chest and prayed aloud. He told his father all of the things he wished he would have said when he was here to listen. It was in this diatribe that Grace learned more about the tension between Jack and his father. She knew from their conversation that night in the diner that Jack’s father didn’t approve of Jack’s chosen profession. His father was a military man and he’d hoped his sons would follow in his footsteps. Jack’s older brother had but Jack knew the life of an officer and a gentleman wasn’t for him. As Jack verbalized the sadness in his heart Grace realized that Jack’s sexual orientation was also an issue for his da
d. Jack was expressing regret for having been such a disappointment to his father.
“Jack, honey, don’t do that to yourself. Your father may not have understood your choices but that doesn’t make them wrong. We all fear what we don’t understand. From all you’ve told me I know your dad loved you very much. He was doing what dads do. He was trying to keep you from making what might have been a mistake in his eyes. That doesn’t mean he didn’t love you anymore. It shows just how deep his love for you ran. He didn’t turn his back on you, did he?” she asked. Jack shook his head. “You see? We don’t give up on what means the most to us, do we? No, we fight harder. His attempts to protect you may have been misguided but they were from a place of love, if not acceptance. I can’t believe he would want you to feel shame for being happy just because it didn’t make him happy,” she told him quietly.
Jack lifted his head to look into her eyes warily. “You gave up on me.”
Grace was a bit stunned by this shift in gears but she would face his accusation. If what he needed now was reassurance, she would give it to him, even if it bared more of her feelings than she was prepared to share.
“Jack, I didn’t give up on you. Staying away from you had nothing to do with you being bi-sexual. This is my issue, not yours. I’m protecting myself. I fell for you hard and fast.” Jack’s mouth dropped open. Grace felt her cheeks go up in flames. She moved off of the bed. He wordlessly watched her pace the floor.
“I will admit that being with a man who is attracted to both men and woman is a bit daunting. When I saw you with the blond woman on the dance floor I was hurt and jealous.” She sat on Jessie’s bed and leaned her elbows on her knees, staring at the linoleum floor. This was hard to say aloud, especially to Jack. “But when I saw you with Victor I was crushed. I can’t compete with him. I can’t give you all that you need. Victor can. That hurts. I can’t really say what would have happened if you’d let him know I was there in the shadows. I was trying to convince myself that maybe I could get used to sharing you, that’s how badly I wanted a chance to try. Then I saw you together, kissing.” She swallowed hard.
“Did that make you sick?” Jack asked in flat tune. She looked at him then, needing him to see the truth in her words.
“No, it didn’t. It broke my heart. Trying to convincing myself that maybe I could deal with you dating other people was a joke after I saw the two of you together, Jack. I no longer had to imagine what you’d be doing with other people when we were apart; I had a very clear memory of it. I wasn’t sickened, I was devastated. I knew I couldn’t hold onto you. I just don’t have everything you need. And I can’t stand by while you get it.”
Jack sat up on her bed and they just sat there watching each other. She had to turn this conversation before she started crying again.
“Have funeral arrangements been made yet?” she asked. That brought Jack quickly back to the here and now. He nodded.
“My mom and brother went to the . . .” Jack choked on the words, his voice cracking as he continued, “funeral home this morning.” He took a moment to gather himself. Grace was going over her class schedule for the rest of the week in her mind. Once she turned in the paper she was working on she’d be clear to take a few days off. She would make up the work. Being there for Jack was worth the effort. Grace’s inner turmoil over Jack faded away. He’d come to her for comfort in his time of need and she would be the friend he needed her to be.
“It’s a three day ordeal that begins with viewings tomorrow afternoon. I’m flying home tonight.” He looked at his watch. “Actually, I need to go. I was on my way to the airport. Somehow my car just kind of ended up here instead.”
Grace crossed the distance between them and knelt before Jack. She hugged him hard and kissed his cheek. Jack accepted the affection gratefully and wrapped his arms around her waist.
“I’ll always be here if you need me.” Grace was a little surprised at how true the words felt in her heart and mind. She really would be there if Jack ever needed her.
“I’m going to make arrangements and follow you the day after tomorrow,” she told him. Jack stiffened in her arms. She pulled back to look into his solemn face. He looked uncomfortable. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong. It’s just that I don’t want you to go to any trouble. I mean, this is going to suck. You don’t need to miss school and fly across the country just to watch me weep,” he explained without looking at her. Was he embarrassed by his sorrow? She understood not wanting to disrupt another person’s life if they were just friends. But there was far more than just friendship between them. Her heart had longed for him since the night they met. Being there for him wasn’t just an option; it was a requirement of that aching organ in her chest.
“I don’t mind. I want to be with you even if you're weeping, tough guy.” She kissed the corner of his mouth. Jack looked into her eyes then. He looked torn. “You just lost your dad. I think crying is required.”
“I’ve had a lot of issues at home related to my sexuality.” He gritted his teeth. “This is going to be a very tense time. I honestly don’t want any witnesses if things get fired up again. I think it would be best if I went alone. I’ll have my mom to take care of and my brother will be with me. Really, Grace, I’ll be fine.” Jack’s cheeks had flushed as he explained his reasons for going it alone. He was really concerned about exposing her to any negativity. Grace didn’t agree with him. She just nodded her head. She understood Jack’s anxiety, but she would be there on the day of his father’s funeral. She wasn’t afraid of a little family drama. If anything he would need her even more if his fears came to fruition.
****
Grace had made a huge mistake. When Jack told her he didn’t need her support she should have listened, but of course she thought she knew better. Even Luke had tried to gently convince her that there might be another reason for Jack asking her not to go, but he’d grudgingly driven her to the airport when she asked. Luke didn’t like Jack one bit after the way he abandoned her at the ski lodge.
If Jack had given her the real reason for his insistence that she not attend his father’s funeral Grace would have accepted it. It would have hurt her, but she would have obeyed Jack’s wishes. In some ways Grace thought maybe it was better that she see the truth with her own eyes. It was far more hurtful than simply hearing the words would have been.
Jack had lied to her. He’d looked her in the eye and lied about his reasons for wanting her to stay at school. It had nothing to do with worry about her missing classes or the possibility of a confrontation. Jack hadn’t wanted Grace to come because he already had all the support he needed in the form of his boyfriend Victor.
She’d flown across the country from Maryland to Washington State to be there for her man, even though he wasn’t her man at all. He was Victor’s man. And Victor had an arm wrapped firmly around Jack’s shoulders with no fear of reprisal from any of Jack’s relatives.
Grace was standing in a sea of black umbrellas. It looked like the entire county had come to witness the laying to rest of Everett Landry, Sr., a man who was widely known and beloved in this seaside community. Grace kept her head down and prayed Jack wouldn’t see her. She would slip away as soon as the service concluded, check out of the inn she’d just checked into and get her ass back to Sea-Tac and on the first flight back to BWI.
Tears burned the back of her eyes and Grace let them flow. Heartbreak was a completely acceptable emotion at a time like this. Especially as the American flag was folded and respectfully presented to Jack’s older brother, Everett Jr. Jack’s mother sobbed openly. Jack left Victor’s embrace to comfort his mother. Victor rubbed circles over the back of Jack’s black suit jacket. Jack and the people who mattered most to him were all in the front under the shelter that had been erected at the grave site. Grace was off to the side and several rows removed from that group of mourners, just as it should be. Grace was an interloper here among Jack’s true friends and family.
When the servic
e ended the preacher invited the congregation to gather in the banquet room at The Inn on Main Street for a wake to celebrate the life of the dearly departed. Grace felt what little color she might have retained slip from her face. Unless there were multiple inns with that name in town, and given her luck she seriously doubted it, Grace was staying at that same hotel.
People began to drift back to take their place in the long line of cars that had made up the funeral procession. Her car was all the way in the back. She hadn’t followed the procession from the funeral home. When her flight landed she’d only had time to check-in at the inn and get changed into her demure black dress before she drove to the cemetery. Grace moved with the crowd making an effort to not turn around and look for Jack. As embarrassed as she was by her idiotic refusal to see the writing on the wall, she was still deeply concerned for Jack right now. She knew now that he didn’t need her there, but the overwhelming urge to love and shelter Jack was still alive and well inside of her. She wanted to look back to reassure herself that he was still holding up, but she wouldn’t do it. She couldn’t. If she looked back Grace knew she would see Jack and Victor together. The fragile shell of her composure was already cracked and barely holding itself together. One more hit would be one too many.
Grace unlocked her rental car and quickly slid behind the wheel. Her feet were soaked from the trudge across the rain soaked grass. Her umbrella was draining onto the floorboard and cold rain continued to fall on the windshield. The wipers made that familiar swishing sound and she tried to focus on that instead of the tearful people retreating from the grave site. She shivered as she waited patiently for the cars boxing her in to move down the winding road through the cemetery toward the exit. By the time she was passing the limo, Jack and his family was just climbing inside. She kept her face averted and tried to stay strong. She would not look directly at him.