Love Me or Kill Me (The Cable Denning Mystery Series Book 2)

by James P. Alsphert

  Then a weird thing happened. Out from the other side of the wings came a short little man with a thin, animated face and bright brown eyes. He was wearing a brown-checkered suit with brown gloves and very shiny brown shoes, topped off with a very large-brimmed brown hat. He wore a yellow tie, almost matching the color of my suit. “Well, are we having a good time?”, he queried to the audience of one. “Funny Charlie wants to tell you a joke. But first, the stock market tip of the day—toilet paper! Futures in toilet paper and you’re a millionaire tomorrow by wiping your butt today!” Then he launched into a ridiculous song.

  “For the show I wrote a joke or two

  and I found out without a doubt

  Mr. Denning…the joke’s on you!

  So won’t you sit…?”

  Then the chorus took on a kind of bluesy style.

  “You can be sure…you can be certain

  the babes in his life, wait for the curtain

  for when he’s through loving you,

  you’ll just die from over-exposure

  from thighs to shoulder as he takes off your hosier.

  no one is bolder than this dick

  with the crick in his member

  so in December, when, baby, it’s cold outside,

  You can be sure, you can be certain,

  you’ll get the blues when the curtain—rises

  for you will turn yellow from loving this fellow

  so run away, run away

  or baby, you’ll pay, pay, pay

  cause the Devil’s got him in tow…

  on the Cable Denning…the Cable Denning…stay tuned…it’s the Cable Denning Show….!”

  When he finished I glanced at the women staring at me from the wings. They were silent and watching me like I was on trial or something. There was only the sound of that single presence in the audience slapping his hands together in that unnerving…..slow…applause, that gave me the willies. I could just barely make out the shadowy figure appearing to pulsate in and out of form, with his pale face mostly concealed by a dark hood. Then Funny Charlie took me by the hand and yanked me into the wings as the babes entered the stage with a perfectly choreographed chorus line number. They were reprising The Cable Denning Show song and at a certain juncture, Misty Sheridan went back stage, grabbed my hand and dragged me onto center stage with the rest of the girls locking arms in back of me and finishing the production number. Each doll kicked up her feet and at a certain cue, kicked me in the butt as some kind of punishment for loving them. They had changed the finishing lyrics to:

  “’cause his mischief call was he loved us all—at the same time!

  Cheaper with a foursome thinking us a whore-some four—or more

  but it ended like it started

  leaving us down-hearted,

  on The Cable Denning…Cable Denning…The Cable Denning Show!”

  Again, from out of the darkness, came that deliberate….foreboding applause. Then, one by one, the girls departed, kissing me on the cheek and placing a black rose in my hand. Funny Charlie came out and added a final rose to the bouquet. Now I had a dozen black roses as Charlie stepped out in front of me to face the one in the audience.

  “I once had an Auntie named Flo

  who so loved the Iceman, Joe.

  But he couldn’t play nice

  without putting her on ice,

  with her ass astride a block of H2O!

  He seduced her in her shanty

  in her panties very scanty.

  And they slipped around with much enthusi-ásm.

  Though they very nearly fell,

  It all turned out just swell.

  For she still had a full or-gásm!”

  Funny Charlie took off his hat and bowed deeply, almost reverently to the audience of one. Again, those lifeless hands came together five times, then ominously stopped. I stepped forward, put an open hand over my forehead as a visor so I could see out there in the dark theatre. But now, I could see no one!

  Then, beginning to feel apprehensive, I turned to Funny Charlie, who was perspiring and wiping his brow with a handkerchief. “Why was there only one person that came to see my show? Who is it out there?” I asked.

  He snickered. “Only Death will see your final show, Denning,” Charlie spoke, but his voice had suddenly grown ominous and dark. “You are the fool who knew too much…and lived too much…but dying,…that…you can only do once…” So…….it was the Grim Reaper who came to see…..my show! My….FINAL show? Then the applause started up again, along with the most terrifying laughter!

  I woke up on my bed tossing and turning with Jane and Cass holding me down. “Cable! Cool it!” Jane cried out. “It’s me—Jane—everything’s okay, you’ve just been dreaming!”

  I opened my eyes, my skin on fire, my eyes feeling like two eggs fried sunny side up. “Jane! Cass! Crap—it was so real…the whole damn thing. The shit that Straight injected me with—had—had long lasting side effects. I took a dope trip in full color.”

  Cass looked down at me, her beautiful face half-hidden by her magnificent shiny red hair. “Cable. Can you walk to the creek with me? I think I can help.”

  I was naked and the two girls helped me get dressed. I was so weak I could hardly stand up. Cass suggested to Jane that she needed to do what she had to do with no one else watching.

  Jane gave her a strange look. “Now, you wouldn’t do anything I wouldn’t do, would you?” she ribbed Cass.

  “I might. Depends on how urgent the situation,” Cass answered.

  “Are you urgent to cure him —or just urgent for him?”

  “Jane! He’s ill…please understand…come along if you really want to. I was hoping I could work alone—"

  “—you’re right. I’ll stay behind. I always do. I’m a stay-behinder, or didn’t you know? Especially when it comes to men.”

  “We’ll be back soon.” Both of the young women helped me to my feet and got my legs circulating. Jane accompanied us to the head of the little trail that led down to the creek. There she stopped while Cass put her arm around my waist, held my arm and we walked to the creek side.

  As before, the smells were fresh and revitalizing. Cass had me sit down at the edge, took my shoes off and put my feet in the cool water. It felt good. Then she went searching for something. Soon she came back with a small bouquet of herbs. She handed me a root of this and leaf of that and had me wash it down with water each time I chewed it. Then she pointed to a large plant that looked much too prickly to me. “We must take the seeds and boil them and have you drink it while it’s still hot.”

  “What the hell is it? Are you sure it won’t kill me?

  “Yes. It’s milk thistle and will help remove the poison. What is inside your body now will kill you if it remains.” Just then I began to feel the worst nausea I’d ever felt in my life. No hangover ever came close to the violent urge to barf I felt now. I got on all fours by the side of the creek and began to heave up my insides. But Cass held me tight and helped me through fifteen of the worst minutes of my life. Then she had me dip my head into the waters and suck up as much water as I could. I was almost too weak to walk, so Cass ran for Jane and the two of them practically carried me back to my cabin. I sat up in my bed because to lie down would have begun the spinning and nausea all over again. Then Cass disappeared to fetch the plant parts that she would boil into some kind of potion, I guessed.

  Jane came and sat beside me. “I’m surprised you’re not dead—that shit those guys injected into you and all…”

  My voice was still weak, breathy. “Maybe I am dead, Jane. At least, according to my dream, Death is my best audience.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “My dream…it was so vivid and nuts—I was a guest or master of ceremonies or something like that, in this theatre—and Death was the only audience. He clapped his hands slowly together after each musical number or joke—"

  “—Cable, don’t push it. You’ve been under a lot of stress.” She took my hand an
d held it. “I wish you were mine, Cable. And I could take care of you…in all ways. But I know it could never be. Even if I were your protégé private detective, no one can ever have either of us. That’s what makes us so unique and maybe why we like each other. We’re both damaged—hard to reach.”

  “I do like you, Jane. You’re my kind of tough,” I mumbled at her. “People…who—who have never experienced the sharp end of the stick don’t get it. But I know you do…”

  “Yeah, Cable, I also have a tender side. That’s the one that gets left behind. I’ve had enough tough for the rest of my life.”

  I went in and out of a kind of stupor as Jane held my hand. Finally, about an hour later, Cass came back with a steaming pot and a large mug. She glanced at Jane’s hand holding mine. She seemed to ignore it. “Now, you need to drink this as hot as you are able. It won’t make you vomit anymore, but you may feel a bit ill as the poisons are processed out of your body and it will cleanse your blood.”

  “How in the hell do you know so much about local herbs?” I asked, impressed with Cassie’s knowledge.

  “Your herbs here have biochemistries that grow everywhere on any terrestrial plane. I have studied herbs for thousands of years. I know their medicinal properties.”

  “I didn’t think you needed stuff for your physical bodies where you come from—I mean, immortal or perpetual—or is it other-dimensional? I get it all mixed up,” I said, a bit frustrated.

  Jane looked at both of us with surprise. It was the first she got it driven home to her that Cassiopeia was truly not an earth native—and that I had experienced some of the other dimensions. “So it finally comes out…” She carefully looked over the beautiful Cass. “Even though you look human, you’re not really—and lover man here knew your mother in another dimension? Is that right or am I just pretending to have my own version of a breakdown here? I’ve seen mother’s radiating orb and all, and I know something’s going on—”

  Cass handed me a cup of the hot thistle water. I winced at the thought of drinking it in, but I trusted the alien sister. She watched me sip a bit and then turned to Jane. “—Mother’s going to unmortalize me tomorrow. Somehow she’s going to sneak me back to Saturn without my father finding out—at least not right away.”

  I was wondering. “How’s she gonna do that—being only an orb with some kind of silent communication with you? Ha!”

  “Don’t do it,” came a voice from out of the bathroom. Suddenly there stood the short little elfin from the Cave of the Seven Truths.

  The women pulled back in fear at first. “It’s okay, girls—this is Toggth—a buddy of mine, and I think after tonight, a buddy of yours.”

  Toggth came forth and extended his warm hand. Hesitatingly, each girl took his hand and acknowledged him. “I am pleased to meet both of you.” He smiled a mischievous smile. “I can see Cable has been concealing you—no doubt for himself.”

  I snickered. “Yeah, right…I’m lucky I’m still glued together after what we’ve been through the past forty-eight hours or so. Why didn’t you come help us out during the underground thing by the lighthouse?”

  “Sorry…I was busy with something else and didn’t tune into you until you were retching by the little stream with a patient Cassiopeia beside you.”

  “You know my name?”, Cass said. “Did you know my mother?”

  “No, but we spoke tonight. That’s why I’m warning you not to go for the unmortalizing process she wants to put you through. It’s fraught with pitfalls, she isn’t strong enough to do it in her present state—plus your very mean-spirited sire is lying in wait for you—and ready to pounce if you go the direction Saturnalia suggests.”

  Cass was thinking. “Oh, dear, I see.” Then she looked at me and checked out my eyes.

  “Yep, Cass, I’ve never known Toggth to be wrong about these things. Remember, he’s like you, an other-dimensional creature, very familiar with the goings on of what has to take place with—"

  “—well, I guess that leaves me out,” Jane interrupted. “Hell, what chance does a plain ol’ ordinary earth gal have against the likes of you guys? How did I get into this nest of alien crap with you, Cass?”

  “Because you liked me. And I liked you. I still do, Jane. You’ve been my one companion all these months, ever since Mother planted me here.”

  Then Jane softened. “Yeah, I guess I still do, too. I’m sorry. I have a complex about being left out. I feel so ordinary around you guys. Gees, a beautiful alien friend I can never compete with, a private detective I have a crush on who isn’t available—and now a little magical creature who zips in and out whenever the whim strikes him.”

  Toggth laughed. “Jane…Jane…take heart, little one. We are all of equal stature in the cosmos. No one is greater than the other. I think the biggest problem comes when people forget they have to earn consciousness, immortality, perpetuity, beauty, grace, wit—and above all, love. Do you think it comes free? How do we lose the good that was given? By stepping out of rhythm with our own Source.”

  Tears had come to Jane’s eyes. “I don’t know…when you talk like that, you make me feel better about myself. Is that part of your magic—?"

  “—no, child, it is part of your magic that you can hear and understand me, respond to me and be honest about yourself and your feelings. Saying you like and desire Cable is natural for a pretty young woman like yourself—accept yourself, Jane Slaughter…”

  She felt a little embarrassed. She looked over at Cass. “Don’t look at me. I never said I wanted Cable. I don’t want any mortal man. I’ve told both of you I can’t stand them. I belong with my own kind. But it doesn’t mean I can’t like you…” Then she looked over at me and her words slowed. “…or love you…that’s something that is found everywhere in all the universes…”

  “I’ll second that,” Toggth tittered. “Now…we’ve got to figure a way out of this mess with your Mother and Father, Cass. And not involve these mortals or at the very least, not endanger them.”

  I was feeling well enough to accompany Jane and Cass to The Bucket of Blood that evening. It would be my last night in ‘Cambria Pines by the Sea’ and the girls were decked out and looked great as we meandered into the tavern around 8:30 p.m. Toggth had decided to remain behind while he pondered the dilemma we all faced together and the impending danger of Gor’s inevitable next assault.

  An unusual phenomena happened that night as Jane finished an up-tempo song and began to play and sing a poignant version of Among My Souvenirs. The ordinarily raucous men and women quieted down as Jane’s song told an age-old story. By the time she had reached the bridge of the song, even the bartender had stopped what he was doing to lean across the bar to listen. “A few more tokens rest within my treasure chest, and though they do their best to give me consolation…I count them all apart, and as the teardrops start, I find a broken heart among my souvenirs…” A hearty applause followed and Jane cracked a half-smile as she turned in her chair to acknowledge the audience. Maybe everyone in that smelly, smoky room could relate. I don’t know. Maybe everyone had shrapnel from a broken heart stuck in their guts that they were still trying to pull out, the kind that tells of memory and regret, an uneasy aching that never quite lets go until maybe you’re pushing up daisies at the local cemetery.

  Jane got up from her honky-tonk piano and walked to the bar where Cass and I stood still silently applauding her. “Hey, babe, you nailed their heartstrings with that one. I never heard this mob so quiet.”

  “Yeah, neither have I,” she replied. She looked at Cass, then at me. “Cable, could I talk to you privately—outside for a minute?” Cass nodded her head in understanding and Jane led us out into the back alley, not too far from old Rocco's little zucchini garden. We stood under the light of a near full moon and Jane looked lovely, but her face had a wrinkled brow and her eyes a sad perplexity. “Cable…I know you’re leaving tomorrow. I’ve really been fighting something inside—whether I should come to L.A. or not.”

&nbs
p; “I told you the truth, Jane. I’m not sure you’re cut out to be a female detective—but then again, I never met one, so I can’t say.”

  “It’s not that. It’s you—and me. I’ve got these feelings for you, Mister. I don’t think I could be around you too long without wanting to hop in the sack with you.”

  I had seen this one coming. “Damn, Jane, I’m really flattered. But I told you up front that I was healing up from someone—someone I was in love with. We were together only a couple of years when she died a terrible death.”

  “I thought it was something like that…there was too much pain on your face for it to be just a breakup—"

  “—and as for you and me—as you said, we’re too much alike, tough, embittered, walking around with an axe to grind against the world—I don’t think it’d be a good match.”

  “Goes to show how two people see things so differently. Here I was thinking that would be a good reason we could make it. Two old battered souls on the roadway of life, you know.”

  “I don’t think it works that way. Old wounds have a way of flaring up and you always blame it on the one who’s closest to you. Besides, I really ain’t the regular kind of guy—I wouldn’t want a dame who’s always hanging around—I like to drink and smoke and hide out in my office, waiting for the phone to ring so I can pay the bills. I’m a loner, Jane, when you really get down to it.”

  She looked at me with a pained expression, like an animal trapped between two places. “I kind of thought so. Now that I’m naked and embarrassed standing here in front of you, I’m asking myself, what am I going to do with my life? I can’t stay here plunking out-of-tune keys and warbling songs forever. I’m still young, I want to live, Cable!”