A Cowboy to Remember

by Rebekah Weatherspoon

  “You think I only care about you because of a head injury? You think I haven’t been thinking about you this whole time? You think I haven’t subconsciously kept every woman I meet at arm’s length just on the off chance that I’d see you again?”

  “Maybe. The more logical answer is that you’ve been so busy with the ranch, every woman who comes near you knows she can’t compete.”

  “Wow, that’s messed up, but no. That’s not it. Evie. I have been in love with you my whole life. I told you that almost the moment I set foot in that hospital room. Why do you think I have practically a hundred episodes of The Dish just hanging out on my DVR?”

  “It’s more than that and you know it. I—I never got a chance to see what this was really like. I never got to know what you were like when you weren’t giving me shit. I—”

  “Say it. Please.” This was the worst conversation he’d had in his whole life, but he wanted to know it all. He needed to understand what was really going on before he lost Evie again.

  “I never got the satisfaction of knowing I was right. You did have feelings for me and you would never just say it. Do you remember what you said to me that night after Nana’s funeral?” Evie asked, her voice cracking a little.

  “I told you that I didn’t want you to let it set you back—”

  “You told me that us kissing was a bad idea because you knew I had plans and you didn’t want to screw them up.”

  “I didn’t!”

  “And then you told me I was too good for this place. Too good for you and you wanted me to keep seeing the world. But you know what I heard?”

  Zach sighed, the realization hitting him. “That I never felt that way about you. Ever. I never thought you weren’t good enough for me.”

  “No. All I heard was that you didn’t think I was smart enough to think for myself. You had your future planned out and you couldn’t possibly conceive of derailing your plans, so you had to make sure I stayed on track. Exactly the way you envisioned it. You saw me needing you and wanting you as giving up on myself, without even talking to me about it. It was belittling, Zach. And humiliating.”

  “That wasn’t it. I was young, and if you want to know the truth, emotionally unequipped to be there for you the way I thought you really needed me. I hadn’t lost anyone close to me at that point. My grandpa died when I was like two. I didn’t know how to handle your grief over losing Nana—or mine.

  “When you came to live with us right after your parents died, when you came back to me after Nana died, I didn’t know how to do anything other than try to make you laugh and try to help you move on. I didn’t tell you to go back to Paris because I didn’t want you to be here with me. I think this place was the place—”

  “Where I come when people leave me.”

  “Evie. That’s not what I meant.”

  “I know, Zach, but it’s true. This was never my home. It was just a place where I ended up until I figured out where I needed to be. And now I know where that is. I’m leaving for the city in the morning.”

  “I don’t want you to leave. Not yet. They found a temporary replacement for you at The Dish. You don’t need to go back right away.”

  “That night, after Nana’s funeral—I didn’t need you to suddenly know how to fix everything or how to fix me. I just wanted you to admit that I wasn’t in this alone for one second. I wanted you to admit all that those looks we shared growing up meant something more. I just wanted you to be brave.”

  “Evie. I’m sorry.”

  “I know. Listen. I know we’ve talked and I know you apologized. And I still accept your apology, but this—what I feel for you, all of it. Loving you, wanting to choke you. I’ve been dealing with that for years and I can’t help it, but I’m still pissed. I might be even more pissed than I was before.”

  “Why?”

  “You just said that you’ve been in love with me your whole life.”

  “I have.”

  “You never called once.” Her voice sounded like it was splitting in two and suddenly tears started streaming down her cheeks. She lifted her glasses and started to wipe them away, but more kept coming. “You never tried to see me. Jesse and Sam knew I was hurting, and they tried. You loved me so much, but it was so easy for you to let me walk away. You never even asked your brothers to check in on me. I know you thought I was being dramatic, but I had lost the last of my whole family, Zach. And you just let me go.”

  Zach’s mouth opened, but his pitiful defense died in the back of his throat. Yeah, Evie had always been stubborn and quick tempered when it came to him. Still, in this moment she was right. Zach had loved Nana Buchanan, but she was Evie’s whole world, and in a flash she was gone. Zach had his brothers, and his grandmother, and even with the distance and a bit of unresolved tension, his parents to fall back on, knowing that they’d love him unconditionally. No matter how close they’d been as kids, Zach had never offered Evie anything close to unconditional love, even with their friendship. When she told him she wanted and needed more, he’d dropped the ball and never even bothered to pick it up.

  “I just. I don’t trust myself with you. Even right now. I feel fifteen all over again, just trying to get you to see me,” Evie said.

  “I do see you.”

  “Yeah, and it only took a coma to get you there.”

  “I don’t know what else to say, but I am sorry.”

  Evie shrugged, the tears still running down her face. “And I don’t know what else to say other than I still need time to be pissed about it and I don’t know when I won’t be pissed about it. I need to finish packing. Vega and I are flying out in the morning.”

  “Vega’s going with you?”

  “Yes. I need to get another MRI, but I want to do it back in New York. Miss Leona and Jesse said they’d feel better sending me off if I had her around just in case. It’ll only be for a few days. Oh, and I didn’t tell you the best part,” she added with a bitter laugh. “I was pushed.”

  “What the fuck?”

  “It was Melanie Burns. I have to go back and deal with her.”

  “Jesus. Okay. Okay.” As much as he hated to see her walk away, there was nothing he could do. Evie had a place, she had friends, her own life in New York, and she definitely needed to get back to dole out some stair-related justice on Chef Burns. “Please don’t leave without saying goodbye.”

  “I promise I won’t.”

  “Okay. I’ll leave you to it.”

  “Goodnight, Zach.”

  It took everything in him not to cross the bedroom and scoop her up into his arms. He wanted to kiss the hell out of her, remind her what they could still have together, but he knew better than to push her in this moment. He turned, and again, walked out of Evie Buchanan’s life.

  * * *

  Three hours into their flight back to New York and Evie still couldn’t sleep. She’d been up most of the night crying. She was glad Dr. Zordetski recommended that she still follow through with her plan to see a therapist when she got back to the city, because she was sure going to need it. Everything that had happened kept replaying in her head over and over, and when she wasn’t thinking about this almost make-believe relationship that she’d finally gotten to share with Zach Pleasant, a relationship that had been circumstantial at best, she was weeping for her parents and her grandparents all over again.

  Her recovered memory didn’t just dredge up what happened that night with Melanie in the stairwell; it brought up almost thirty years of repressed pain and trauma. When her alarm had gone off, she felt puffy and parched. She managed to hold it together as she said her goodbyes. She would miss Jesse and Lilah, and Corie too. Nothing could replace the moments she’d shared with Miss Leona in her kitchen. And yes, she would miss Zach.

  She had to give him credit. He didn’t make things harder than they had to be. As Jesse was loading their bags into his truck, Zach came out his house in a gray sweat suit and made his way across the cul-de-sac. When he wrapped his arms around her, she
knew she had to go. Her true feelings for Zach had never changed and that was a problem. She’d forgive him anything if she looked at that smile too long, and do nothing to really try and heal herself. When she pulled away she knew she was doing the right thing, putting some distance between them again.

  “Just text me when you get back to your place. So I know you’re okay,” was all he said. She tried not to think of the look on his face when she glanced at him in the rearview mirror. She tried not to think of the bags under his eyes, proof that he’d had an equally sleepless night.

  She held it together when Jesse dropped her and Vega off at the airport, but just after they reached their cruising altitude, Evie felt the tears return to the corners of her eyes. She didn’t make a sound, but for at least an hour, the tears streamed down her face. Luckily Vega was quick with the tissues.

  She felt like hell when they walked back through her apartment door, but thank god for Blaire. Her amazing bestie was waiting for them with hot takeout and chilled wine and fresh linens for Vega.

  After she cried on Blaire some more, Vega insisted that she try and get some sleep. Evie took a long, hot shower, reminded anew of the fact that she’d chopped most of her hair off—something else to bring up with her therapist—then climbed into her bed that suddenly felt foreign and cold. She knew it would mold back to her body in a few days, but for now she missed the bright yellow sheets from Miss Leona’s guest room. Before she turned off her lights, she plugged in her phone. She’d called Jesse in the Lyft on the way back from the airport so he knew they were home, but she hadn’t reached out to Zach.

  She pulled up their text conversation, very careful not to scroll and look much at the texts they’d exchanged when things were different between them. She typed out a simple message.

  Home. Heading to bed. Thank you for coming to get me.

  She set her phone back on her nightstand and turned off the light, but she heard her cell vibrate before she could close her eyes. She rolled over and looked at the text from Zach.

  Anytime. And I mean that. Anytime you need me, Evie. I’m here.

  She didn’t reply. She couldn’t. It would start a conversation and at that moment she had nothing left in her to give. Instead she turned on her light and dug the diary Zach had given her out of her carry-on.

  January 10

  I had no idea how badly I missed him. I have no idea how we go back or how we go forward. I could see myself going back to Charming and being his girl. Maybe even being his wife, but I have no idea how I could ever make Zach Pleasant mine.

  That night she slept so deeply she didn’t dream at all.

  Chapter 24

  Zach thought about hitting the bottle, but he knew he’d enjoy the numbed-out bliss that came from being completely faded for exactly ten minutes before Miss Leona gave him an earful about what he was not going to do as long as she was around. So instead of drinking his sorrows away, he spent every moment he could away from the office, with Steve. He’d take him out for some exercise. Practice the dismount he’d almost taken an L on at the last exhibition, but instead they ended up loafing around the back pasture.

  Zach lay in the grass, looking up at the blue sky, wondering how he had fucked things up so badly. Steve joined him, lying on his side a few feet away. It was the first big trick he’d taught the large thoroughbred. Fainting on command.

  “Is Steve depressed too?”

  Zach lifted his head and saw Jesse standing just outside the fence. Clementine was a few yards away, enjoying the midday break from the office.

  “No, he’s just playing dead. Pull up some grass. Join us.”

  “I have a meeting in an hour and I’d rather not fuck up this suit.”

  “Fair enough.” Zach stood and dusted himself off, then made his way over to the fence. Steve followed, probably wondering when they would get around to actually doing something that wasn’t a sad ride down by the stream. He nudged Zach’s shoulder, then made a move to grab Jesse’s Stetson. His brother jumped out of the way like he was avoiding a grizzly bear.

  “He’s not going to bite you.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  “Hold still. Steve.” Zach clicked his tongue twice and lightly tapped his brother’s cheek. His trusty steed leaned over the fence and brushed his big horsey lips on Jesse’s face, then turned away in search of better things to eat.

  “See, you survived. What can I do for you?”

  Jesse cleared his throat, seeming to recover from Steve’s vicious mauling. “I actually came over here to see what I can do for you.”

  “What are you getting at? I don’t need anything.”

  “So how long are you going to spend your days lying in a field with a horse? What did Lilah call it? Man pain. She said you’re in deep.”

  Zach couldn’t help but laugh. “What the fuck is man pain?”

  “She said you’re wallowing in a way only a real man can. Deep, bone-deep pain. No tears though.”

  “Oh, there’s been tears. Plenty of weeping and wailing, I’ve just been doing it behind closed doors.”

  “So, what do we do, man? Help me out.”

  “Hell if I know. I just miss her. I spent ten years pretending I didn’t and it finally caught up with me.”

  Zach was trying his best to give Evie space. He’d texted her one more time, to ask if she was doing okay. Her response wasn’t bad.

  Dr. Manzo is very happy with my progress. Cleared to resume on-camera work in a week. Thank you for asking.

  But he hadn’t heard from her again. Nicole had been keeping them in the loop regarding the Melanie Burns situation. Evie had gone to the police, told them every detail of what happened that night, and filed a restraining order. They’d sent officers to pick up Melanie for questioning, but she was out of the country. On paper it was a simple assault case, so it wasn’t like they were going to have Interpol track her down, but at least Evie had put something official on the cops’ radar. And once the restraining order was served, she had legal cause to tell Melanie Burns to stay the hell away from her.

  He knew if any of that changed, Nicole would be the first to tell him or Jesse. Zach was back in the loop and he appreciated that. It didn’t do anything to ease the bone-deep ache that had settled in the center of his chest.

  “I don’t know. Maybe I just gotta get over it.”

  “You think you should move on?”

  Zach let out a dry chuckle. “No. I don’t want to close that door unless I absolutely have to.”

  “Makes sense.”

  “I thought you were coming out here to tell me to get over myself.”

  “Nah. I realized I can give you shit about work, the ranch, getting on Miss Leona’s nerves, but I can’t give you shit about this.”

  “Why?”

  “’Cause I don’t know what it’s like. I’ve never been in love.” Jesse looked down and dragged the sole of his boot over the bottom fence rail. “Can’t really set an example for you either.”

  “Eh. It’s not on you,” Zach said, meaning every word of it. He never pressured Jesse when it came to women. People thought because he was built like a Mack Truck, women threw themselves at his feet. Which was true, but Jesse didn’t know exactly how to pick up women. He’d always been shy, and when he found the nerve to talk to a woman, he was too blunt. He’d blown a few chances at a good thing and then he just stopped trying altogether.

  And though they’d only talked about it once, Jesse had made it clear that casual sex just wasn’t an option for him. He needed a connection with someone who got him. When he loved, Jesse loved hard, and Zach knew any woman would be lucky to have him in their corner. Zach just had no idea how to help him get to that point.

  “Should we call Sam? Ask him to give us some pointers?”

  “It would be wild if we had a father we could talk to about these things. Oh wait,” Jessie said, cracking a ghost of a smile.

  “You know exactly what he’d say. ‘Just marry her. I don’t under
stand the problem.’”

  “I know Evie’s upset, but I know she loves you too. Just give her some time.”

  “It’s all I can do.”

  “Let me get back. If you’re still out here after dark, we’re staging an intervention.”

  “I’ll be back in a minute.” Then something so obvious occurred to him, something his baby cousin would definitely understand. “Actually, can you spare Lilah for a second?”

  “Yeah, of course. Text her.”

  “I will.” They executed their elaborate Pleasant brother handshake before Jesse turned and headed back for the office.

  “Keep that horse away from me!” he called out. Zach shook his head at his brother’s retreating back, watching as Clementine ran to catch up with him. He pulled out his phone a few seconds later and shot Lilah a text. Eager for a break from emails and paperwork, she happily met him out in the corral.

  “What’s up?” she said as she perched on the top rail of the fence.

  Zach watched as Steve ambled over to her and nudged her for some head scratches. “I have to ask you something. I know you might laugh, but I’m asking you cousin to cousin, not to laugh in my face.”

  “I swear. What’s going on?”

  “Okay. Here goes. Hi, I’m Zach.”

  “Hi, Zach,” Lilah said with a smile.

  “And I don’t think I know the first thing about women.”

  “Oh, I agree with you there.”

  “Damn, it’s that bad?”

  Lilah rolled her eyes, moving her hand up to Steve’s mane. “All of you Pleasant men are the same. Great minds for business, great with people when it has to do with business, but when it comes to real relationships? Yeah, you don’t know a thing about women.”

  “You got any advice?”

  A bright smile spread out across Lilah’s face. She was the baby of the whole bunch, if only by a few years, but when she tilted her chin up Zach knew she might be the wisest. “As a matter of fact. I do.”