I shook my head, getting up and walking over to him. ‘You can’t stop me.’
He stood up, too, his hands in his pockets, his eyes staring deep into mine. ‘I can try. Look, I know I pushed you into going out with the guy but, Jesus, Lana, I only meant for a drink. I didn’t expect this shit to happen.’
‘Neither did I, Finn. But, you know, sometimes things happen for a reason. Sometimes a chance will appear that you never dreamt would or could happen, and you’ve just got to grab that chance before it disappears forever. Sometimes, you have to rely on fate, whether you believe in it or not.’
He raised that eyebrow again. ‘You’re believing in fate all of a sudden? You? Miss cynical?’
‘I didn’t say I believed in it. I’m just taking a risk, okay? Isn’t that what you told me I should be doing?’
‘I’m absolutely positive I never mentioned running off with a Scottish biker. That wasn’t exactly the kind of risk I meant.’
‘I know,’ I sighed, sitting down on the couch, pushing both hands through my hair. ‘I know that isn’t what you meant, but… Something happened here, Finn. Something clicked inside of me. Something I can’t explain.’
‘Are you sure you haven’t just been blinded by too much sex? I mean, I know you haven’t had any for Christ knows how long…’
I threw him a look as he sat down next to me. ‘I don’t know, okay? And you’re right. This is crazy. It’s ridiculous, and unreal, and incredibly selfish of me but…’ I looked down at my clasped hands. ‘Maybe I’m having some kind of middle-age meltdown. But Eddie he’s… he’s just as crazy as I am, Finn. And maybe crazy is just what I need right now.’
Finn sighed, throwing himself back against the couch cushions. ‘Lana, babe, you know nothing about this guy.’
‘And he knows nothing about me. But don’t you think that’s what makes it so much more exciting?’
He just looked at me, but didn’t offer up any kind of answer.
‘I’m almost forty years old, Finn. And I have spent most of my life in a box I thought I was never going to be able to escape from…’
For the next twenty minutes I found myself pouring my heart out about my marriage break- up. And I had no idea why these floodgates had chosen to open now; why I was suddenly telling Finn all these things I’d kept from him before. I just knew that I needed to get it out. All of it. In order for me to really be able to walk away from the past. Keeping it bottled up inside had only held me back, I knew that now. ‘If there’s something else out there you want, something that might just make you happy; something you know you can have if you just have the balls to go out there and grab it, then… then nobody should feel guilty about doing that. Nobody. And you helped me see that, Finn. You gave me the confidence I needed to go out there and be this person I so badly wanted to be; needed to be. The person I should have become a long time ago.’
‘So it’s my fault you’re eloping with Scotty, then?’
‘Finn…’
‘And what about your apprenticeship at Black Ink?’
‘Look, Finn, I’m not saying this is forever, okay? It might not even be something that lasts more than a few weeks but I… It’s something I need to do. And I can’t really explain it, or give you a reason that would make any kind of sense, I just… I need to do this. I kind of want to see where it takes me. And, it’ll give me the time I quite obviously need to get my head around those things I’m still finding hard to let go of. You’ll still train me, won’t you? If I come back home?’
‘If?’
‘Will you?’ I fixed him with a look and he sighed.
‘You know I will.’
I leant over and kissed his cheek, ruffling his dark hair.
‘You’re fucking nuts, do you know that? Certifiably crazy.’
I stood up and walked over to the full-length mirror by the bed, cocking my head as I stared at my reflection. ‘Yeah. I know I am.’ I swung around, smiling as I looked at him. ‘Like I said, you made me this way, remember?’
He sighed again as he hauled himself up off the couch. ‘I created a frigging monster, that’s what I did.’ He walked over to me, pulling me into his arms, his expression suddenly turning serious. ‘Don’t do it, Lana. Please. Think about this, okay? Think about what’s happening here. What you’re planning to do, it’s not the most sensible idea you’ve ever had.’
‘I’m done with sensible, Finn.’ I snuggled in against him, holding him tight. ‘I’ve been sensible for almost forty years, and I think that’s long enough. Now I want to do crazy and stupid and all those things I never had the chance to do before.’
‘But this isn’t just…’ He let go of me, pushing both hands through his hair as he let out another heavy sigh. ‘It doesn’t matter what I say, does it? You’re actually gonna do this.’
‘Yeah. I’m gonna do this.’
‘Then know that I think it’s a bad idea.’
‘I need you to be with me on this one, Finn. Please.’
He shook his head, and I felt tears start to prick the backs of my eyes. ‘I can’t, Lana. I can’t support you on this because I think you’re making a mistake.’
‘Finn, please…’
‘Go out with him tonight, and you will be that amazing person I know you are, okay? You do that, you go out there and have some fun, spend the night with him, have as much sex as you want, wear the bastard out for all I care. But in the morning, I want you to tell me you’re coming home with the rest of us.’
‘I can’t promise you that.’
‘Think about this, Lana, please. What you talked about just now, everything you said about finding something that makes you happy, about starting a new life, you’re doing just fine on that score, kiddo. You really are. You don’t need to stay here to prove anything to yourself…’
‘That isn’t why I’m doing it, Finn. I don’t need to prove anything to anyone… Jesus… I just want to… I just want to be with him… There’s something about him that makes me feel – I don’t know. He makes me feel alive. He makes me feel like somebody I never knew I could be. It’s like he’s awakened something inside me that’s been lying there, dormant, for all those years.’
‘Just come home, Lana. Come home and let’s get back to normal. Let’s carry on doing what we were doing because we were having a blast, kiddo. I thought you liked our life.’
‘I love our life, I really do, I just… I need that space, that time to really push Adam to the back of my mind…’
‘I don’t think this is all to do with Adam. Not really.’
I stared at him, right into his eyes. ‘I’m staying, Finn.’
He let out another heavy, frustrated sigh. ‘I can’t believe you’re doing this… You know I’m always gonna be there for you, don’t you? Always. And when this crazy, stupid, rash act you’re about to undertake falls down around you – when it all turns to shit and you realise what a huge mistake it really was, I’ll still be there, ready to pick up the pieces. I’ll still be there. But I can’t pretend this is a good idea, Lana. Because I think it’s wrong.’
I backed away from him, folding my arms against me again. ‘I’ve told you, I’m not under any illusion this is gonna last forever.’
‘That’s just as well, then, isn’t it?’
‘I’m staying, Finn. And there isn’t anything anyone can do to stop me.’
9
I stared at the bottle of beer in front of me, my thumb absentmindedly stroking the label.
‘Second thoughts?’ Eddie asked, his hand touching mine, pulling me back to the here and now.
‘No.’ I smiled, watching his thumb as it ran over my knuckles. ‘No second thoughts.’
‘Lana, darlin’, I don’t want to…’
I looked up at him, my eyes meeting his. He was still a stranger, this man who’d crash-landed into my life without any warning. This man who’d asked me to stay with him, start a new life – another new life – with him, in a strange country. This man who’d made love to
me just hours after meeting me and made me feel something I’d never felt before. Even if I wasn’t quite sure what that was just yet.
‘I only have whatever’s in that suitcase back in my hotel room, Eddie. That’s all I have to start a whole new life.’
His fingers continued to stroke mine, his eyes almost burning into me, making sure I had no choice but to hold that stare. ‘Don’t you find that quite liberating? The chance to really start again? With nothing of the past to hold you back.’
My smile grew a little wider because he was making this whole crazy idea sound like the biggest adventure. ‘Yeah, I do, actually.’
‘Do you have dreams, Lana?’
I looked at him, cocking my head slightly. ‘We all have dreams, don’t we?’
His eyes were still fixed on mine. ‘So, tell me yours.’
I looked briefly down at the table before raising my gaze. ‘The dreams I have now?’
He just raised his eyebrows, his thumb still running over my knuckles.
‘I guess… Well, some of those dreams have already come true. I got the tattoos, showed myself I was capable of changing my life…’
‘What would you really love to do, darlin’?’
I stared at him, letting those dark, dangerous eyes of his pull me further under, holding me there. ‘I want to escape,’ I whispered, the words falling free without me even realising.
‘From what?’
‘Everything.’ Except you, I wanted to add. I want to escape from everything, except you. Because he was the only thing I wanted right now. Him, and the way he made me feel.
‘Everything?’ He raised another eyebrow, his fingers sliding between mine.
‘Just after I left Adam, not long after I’d started my apprenticeship at Black Ink, I remember this group of guys coming into the studio. They were from a local motorcycle club back in Newcastle and they were about to head off on a road trip, riding across France and Spain. It was for charity, but they’d done it a couple of times before, and when they spoke about it, about the freedom it created, just getting on their bikes and riding, for hours… Something hit me, right here, you know?’ I tapped my chest, my eyes still staring into Eddie’s. ‘Because I’d never experienced that kind of freedom before. Never knew what it felt like. Riding pillion on Finn’s Ducati through the streets of Newcastle wasn’t the same, and I just…’ I looked down, watching his thumb as it moved across my skin. ‘I know what it feels like now. Being with you… I know what that freedom feels like. And it’s something I’ve dreamt about, ever since hearing those guys talk. The idea of just climbing on a bike and getting away from everything, it always seemed like something people only did in movies. But to be able to leave reality behind, just for a little while…’
His mouth curled up into a smile, something in his eyes making my head spin with a heady excitement. ‘Let’s do it.’
‘Do what?’ I frowned.
‘Escape. Not right this second, but, in a few days, let’s just throw some things into a rucksack, jump on the Harley and ride. Across America. We’ll do the west coast, see California, spend our days on the road and our nights fucking until we wear ourselves out. Who’s stopping us, baby?’
‘I… Are you serious?’
‘I think you already know the answer to that one, darlin’.’
I couldn’t stop the widest smile from spreading across my face. ‘Can we…? We can really do that?’
‘Like I said, who’s stopping us? We’re gonna go live those dreams, baby.’ He brought my hand up to his lips, kissing it gently, his eyes still on mine as he did so. ‘I can see myself in you, Lana. Someone who wants to escape everything that once dragged them down; a free spirit…’
‘I’m no free spirit.’
‘Well, maybe you should try it sometime. You might get one hell of a kick out of it.’
I laughed, his hand still holding mine as he pulled me down from my stool and into his arms, his eyes once more burning into mine. I felt my heart start to race again – that unexplainable rhythm, that heavy beat I wasn’t used to. And before I had time to even take a breath he’d pushed me back against the wall, kissing me, long and slow, the heat of his body as it pressed against me overwhelming. His tongue slid into my mouth as the kiss deepened and I could feel myself responding, almost as though I was being worked by some invisible strings because it really was like I had no control over this.
‘Don’t ever let go of your dreams,’ he whispered, his breath warm against my skin, the musky scent of his cologne heady and strong. ‘And don’t ever let anyone stand in your way.’
Slipping a hand around the back of his neck, I wound my fingers in his hair, kissing him back just as hard and just as determined, and I was lost, falling deeper and deeper into something I didn’t understand. I just knew that he was kissing me like I’d never been kissed before, and all of a sudden I didn’t want to be in this crowded bar with its loud music and smell of stale beer. I wanted to be alone with this man.
‘You want to escape? Then let me show you my kind of escape, Lana. Let me show you my world. Let’s make those dreams come true, darlin’.’
My head was spinning, his words dancing around in there like the most beautiful of promises. Except, I had a feeling they were promises he was going to keep. And it was at that second that I knew I was falling into something I didn’t want to get out of; sinking deeper and deeper into a life that was sweeping me along at a pace that was breathtaking, but I would run until my lungs hurt to keep up with it all. Eddie Fletcher had changed my world. And there wasn’t a thing I would do to change that now.
‘We need to get out of here,’ he murmured, his mouth still resting against mine.
I nodded, my thumb lightly stroking his neck as he kissed me again. And again. Each kiss dragging me further and further under. ‘And I think sooner rather than later, don’t you?’
I returned the smile he gave me, reluctantly pulling my fingers out of his hair but keeping my other hand in his, holding it tight as we left the bar, walking out onto the Strip, the bright lights and the noise, and the whole feel of this unreal place reminding me of just where I was – so far away from that life I’d used to live. That person I’d once been. Somewhere, and someone, I didn’t ever want to go back to.
With his arm slung across my shoulders, I clung onto his waist as we walked the short journey back to my hotel. As we walked he pointed out places he was going to take me, told me about the things we were going to do; he talked about his shop, his MC, his love of Harleys and why he’d settled so easily in Las Vegas – a place that didn’t ask questions. In that short space of time he made me fall in love with the idea of my new, unexpected life a million times over, the excitement inside me building up to breaking point as we finally reached the hotel.
‘Days like we had today, baby…’ He pulled me into his arms as the elevator doors closed. ‘Days where we do nothing but fuck for hours and drink until we can’t think straight, they’re ours for the taking. Why settle for reality when you can have something so much more exciting?’
‘You make it sound like some kind of utopia,’ I whispered, running my fingers over his slightly open mouth, my eyes following their every move.
‘I can’t promise you that, darlin’, but I can promise you enough great sex to guarantee there’ll be days when your legs ache so bad you won’t be able to get out of bed, and whisky that’ll give you the kind of hangover only a Scotsman can ease.’
I slipped my arms around his neck, pushing myself against him, laughing, a sudden calm taking over as his fingers began stroking the small of my back, up and down, strokes so light he was barely touching me.‘You can promise me that, can you?’
‘I can promise you a lot of things…’ His mouth rested on mine, and I felt myself breathe in sharply as his fingers slid up under my top, touching my skin. ‘You ever fucked on a Harley, darlin’?’
Oh, Jesus, my heart had just skipped a whole bunch of beats there, my stomach dipping so low I lite
rally couldn’t catch my breath. These feelings I was experiencing here, they all felt so new and I was having trouble getting my head around them, they were all happening so fast.
‘No,’ I whispered. ‘No. I haven’t.’
I closed my eyes as he kissed me again, letting any last lingering doubt that might still be lurking in the recesses of my mixed-up mind evaporate before it had time to show itself. Because it wouldn’t be welcome.
‘Come on.’ He smiled, taking my hand as the elevator doors opened. My heart was beating so fast it hurt as we almost ran along the corridor to my room, so desperate were we to gain some privacy.
The second we were through the door he pushed me back against it, the kiss he gave me hard and rough, a turn-on I hadn’t expected. It was almost brutal in its force, and I felt my whole body shiver as his hands pushed up my short leather skirt, his mouth trailing over my neck and collarbone as he yanked down my knickers, giving me no other option but to step out of them. He was taking control and I was happy to submit.
‘You’re like a fucking drug I can’t give up now,’ he murmured, my legs wrapping around him as he pushed me back against the door.
I couldn’t speak, couldn’t get any words out my throat was so tight, my chest so constrained. All I wanted to do was hold onto him and let this happen, whatever it was. Because it was everything I’d been missing in my life – passion, excitement, sex that was raw and animalistic, that both hurt and brought with it a pleasure so intense it was indescribable. And he was giving it to me, right here, and no matter how sordid it all was, or how wrong some people may have found the whole scenario, I didn’t care. I only cared that I felt free and alive and about to do something I would never have dreamt I’d ever do. Finn was still right, of course. This was crazy. And stupid. And, yeah, probably a little bit selfish, too, but going back home – it wasn’t an option. Not anymore.
Shirley Valentine Goes to Vegas Page 8