‘Let me help you, Lana.’
‘Are you listening to what I’m saying, Eddie? I think I’ve probably spent most of my life running away from, and refusing to deal with, things that have either scared me, or things I just wasn’t strong enough to face up to. And I can’t do that anymore. Taking the easy route isn’t an option now. I got a lot of things wrong, I messed up, I hurt people – it’s time to start changing all of that. Yes, I want to live my life the way I want to live it, but…’
‘Forget that. Forget all of it. Stop letting it get in the way, stop putting it first, stop letting it drag you down, Lana, come on. You want to live your life the way you want to live it? Then just start doing it, darlin’. Just start living.’
My eyes met his again, and I felt the strongest jolt of something shoot right through me. I didn’t know what it was, I couldn’t explain the feeling in a way anyone would understand, I just knew it had happened. And as his hand rested against my cheek, his touch warm and comforting, his words dancing around inside my head, I closed my eyes and let him kiss me. I let him kiss me until the sky grew dark and nothing else in the world mattered anymore. I let him kiss me…
35
‘Shouldn’t you be getting back to LA?’ I asked, leaning against the wall and folding my arms, but I was finding it hard to keep the smile off my face. ‘I mean, you were supposed to leave two days ago, but you’re still hanging around here.’
‘I’m a man on a mission, darlin’.’ He moved closer, his hand resting lightly on my hip, his mouth almost touching mine.
‘And what mission would that be, huh?’
He laughed quietly, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. ‘I think you know what I’m talking about, Lana.’
I knew exactly what he was talking about. I was just trying to sidestep the subject. We’d spent the past two days together; the past two nights. We’d gone out on the Harley during the day, spent the evenings in biker bars and clubs both on and off the Strip, and he’d stayed with me, in my room, here at the hotel. We’d slept together in the literal sense of the word – there’d been no more sex. Despite my body aching for him, but I knew it wasn’t really him I ached for. I’d ached for the sex, because what Eddie could give me, it was a release, an escape; an opportunity for me to be able to push everything aside and forget. So I didn’t have to deal with what I was really feeling. But I couldn’t do that forever. So this – what was happening here, it wasn’t fair on Eddie. Which was why I was calling time on it now. I had to. I needed to start putting the pieces of my life back together and try and find a fit that worked.
‘Eddie, I…’
His mouth gently touched mine, pulling me under for a kiss that needed to be the last. It was too much now. Things had gone far enough.
‘Kissing you is, you know, something I never tire of doing, but…’ His dark eyes looked right into mine. ‘Baby, I need to…’
I shook my head, running my fingers lightly over his beard. ‘No, Eddie. This stops now. It stops, now.’
‘Lana,’ he groaned, leaning back against the wall, his hands shoved deep in his pockets. ‘Come on, darlin’. What more do I have to do here?’
You have to be Adam, I thought. And then silently cursed myself for even thinking that. If I was going to compare every man to my ex-husband I was never going to be able to move on. ‘You don’t have to do anything,’ I replied, stepping back from him and pulling my hair into a ponytail. ‘I just think it’s time we stopped confusing things now. We’ve blurred too many lines, Eddie, and it really isn’t fair on you. On either of us.’
He raised an eyebrow, walking over to me, sliding an arm around my waist, pulling me back against him. And I didn’t stop him, even though I should have done. I was supposed to be walking away from this. ‘Have I helped, Lana?’
‘Helped?’ I asked, playing with the collar of his leather jacket.
‘Get your head straight.’
I wasn’t sure if that would ever happen now. And then I silently cursed myself again for throwing more negativity in the way, creating obstacles where there didn’t need to be any. Obstacles only I could remove. If I wanted to. I just wasn’t sure I was ready to shift them yet. Having them there, letting those memories remain, it was like a comfort blanket I couldn’t throw away. ‘Yeah. Yeah, I think you have, actually.’ As I said the words, I finally started to believe them. This man had given me so much, and I hadn’t even realised how much, until now. He’d shown me a world I never would have thought I could inhabit. He’d given me confidence and a sense of adventure I hadn’t thought it was possible for someone like me to have. He’d shown me the kind of woman I could be; the kind of woman I wanted to be. He’d taught me that all I needed to do was reach out and take the things I wanted because I could do anything. I could do anything.
‘But you’re still not coming with me to LA.’ It wasn’t a question. Because he already knew the answer.
I shook my head, my fingers still holding onto his jacket collar. ‘I can’t, Eddie. I just can’t.’
‘You can, darlin’. You just have to take that leap of faith.’
‘You’re making things sound easy again.’
‘The only reason everything feels so hard, Lana, is because you’re making it that way.’
‘Newcastle is my home, Eddie, and I guess I’m just not ready to leave it.’
He looked at me, his thumb lightly stroking my cheek, those dark eyes of his staring deep into mine. ‘You’re not ready to leave him.’
‘That isn’t what I said.’ But it was what I’d meant, and that in itself was screaming so many things at me the noise inside my head was almost deafening. ‘I have a life back home.’ I pulled his hand away from my cheek and stepped back from him. ‘There’s Finn, and Black Ink and I love it there, Eddie. I’m learning a new skill that I’m actually bloody good at. I have friends I adore, so, I don’t need to stay here to forget the past. I just need to throw myself into that life I want to start living. Because the past year has really been nothing more than a practice session.’
‘And what about me? Don’t you need me?’
I reached out to touch his face, running my fingertips over his cheek. I needed him more than he would ever know. Just not in a way that was good for either of us. ‘You’re a part of my life I can’t get rid of now.’
He smiled, and I felt my stomach dip – a reminder of everything I’d once felt for him. Still felt. ‘It’s called fate, darlin’.’
I threw my head back and sighed, laughing quietly as I pulled away from him. ‘Whatever. I just know I like having you around.’
‘But not enough for me to be around permanently, huh?’
I looked at him, remembering the day I’d met this man, the way he’d made me feel, the fun we’d had; the promises he’d made me that I had no doubt he could deliver. And all I had to do was, as he’d already said, take that leap of faith. It wouldn’t even be a leap into a world I was unfamiliar with – I already knew how Eddie worked, what made him tick. I knew how he liked to live his life, because it was how I wanted to live mine. So why couldn’t I just let myself see what would happen if we tried living that life together? What did I have to lose? ‘There’s so much going on in my head right now, Eddie and this is something I didn’t expect. I didn’t expect you to be here and it’s thrown me slightly.’
‘These past few days, Lana. They’ve been a reminder of how good we are together. We fit each other, darlin’, we just feel right.’
These past few days had been good, I couldn’t deny that. Spending every day together, hanging out in Vegas, riding his Harley, talking about everything from bikes to the state of the world, and how we could change ours. It had been almost perfect. At times I’d forgotten I was here to get my head straight, because at times it didn’t feel as though there was even a problem. I had Eddie and he was proving to be a beautiful source of solace – the kind of escapism I’d needed. But he wanted to move things forward and I just couldn’t do that.
&nbs
p; ‘I can’t tell you what you want to hear, Eddie.’
‘I don’t want promises, Lana. I don’t believe in forever.’
But I was starting to. I wanted a forever and I was beginning to believe I was the only person capable of making it happen.
I didn’t say anything as I walked over to the window, looking out over another bright and sunny Las Vegas day. I felt him come up behind me, felt his fingers gently brush my hair back off my neck before his mouth lightly kissed it, and that still sent shivers coursing up and down my spine. The touch of him still made my skin break out in goose bumps and my heart race that little bit faster. But I didn’t love him. I couldn’t love him. Because of those obstacles I was so unwilling to remove, I just couldn’t go there. So all of this, it really wasn’t fair on him.
‘I’ll call you later,’ he whispered, his breath warm on my neck, his hand giving my waist a gentle squeeze before he let me go.
I couldn’t turn around. I didn’t want to. So I waited until I heard the door close behind him before I moved away from the window, suddenly at a loss as to what to do next. My head had started to spin and I had to sit down on the edge of the bed before my knees gave way. Staring down, I watched as my fingers ran all the way from my wrist to my shoulder, trailing lightly over the bright colours and shading of the sleeve tattoo that stretched all the way up my arm; every single one of those images was a symbol of the new life I’d so desperately craved, and yet now they felt like nothing more than a painful reminder of everything I couldn’t have.
Pulling off my top and wriggling out of my jeans I stripped naked and went into the bathroom, staring at my reflection in the mirror. There was no denying the change in me over the past year. I seemed younger, almost. My body was certainly different, more toned and lithe, but the curves were still very much there, the tattoos that now adorned it perfect decoration, adding colour and spectacle to something I’d once thought of as ordinary and dull. That’s how I’d used to think of myself in the end, once the sparkle and light had gone out of my and Adam’s marriage and things had settled into that routine and rut that had kick-started this whole journey. I’d thought of myself as ordinary and dull. Yet now, as I looked at this completely different person to the one I’d once been, it was like I was looking at someone on a TV screen. Like that person in front of me was a character, nothing to do with me. I was still that same ordinary, dull person looking in on the woman I really wanted to be, but had lost the strength to become. I’d lost Adam in the beginning because I’d been too weak to fight and I’d lost him a second time because I’d fought too hard. So hard I’d ruined any chance I ever had of being in his life again. That’s what hurt the most. My only regret: I couldn’t have it all.
I switched on the shower. Hoping to wash away all the negativity? It was worth a try. Give me time to think about everything Eddie had said? It wouldn’t hurt, and I was glad, in a way, that Finn wasn’t here now because this was something I needed to work out on my own – take a leap of faith and go with Eddie to LA, try and start that completely new life I’d tried to start once before, or go back home to Newcastle and try to get on with a life I loved there. Without Eddie. Without Adam. Those were the choices I had.
Quickly drying myself, I slipped on a robe and pulled my hair out of its ponytail, tipping my head upside down and running my hands through it, shaking it out before flipping my head back. I felt better after that. It was probably all psychological, of course, but what did that matter? I felt better.
Wandering back out into the bedroom I flicked on the TV, leaving it on a channel showing a familiar sitcom while I sat at the dressing table and applied a little mascara, a touch of pink blusher, some pale lip gloss. It was all I needed to complete my short but therapeutic make-over, and I smiled as I stared at my reflection now. Yeah. I could do this. Eddie was right in one respect – I had to let go of everything that was dragging me down, otherwise I was never going to be able to move forward. And I wanted to move forward because, even though I’d thought I had, I really hadn’t moved very far at all. I’d turned forty now. It was time to stop playing at life and start living it.
A knock at the door startled me slightly because I’d been so deep in thought and for a second or two I just sat there, not moving. I didn’t want any intrusion right now. I was beginning to like my own company. For the first time in days I was actually able to think straight
But then I heard him. Heard his voice. And suddenly everything changed…
36
My world once more shifted on its already unstable axis and I closed my eyes, hoping it had all been a dream because I really, really didn’t need this – the pain it could cause. What I needed was for him to go away. I wasn’t sure I could bear the torment of raking over a situation neither of us could change, no matter how much we wanted to. That was cruel and I didn’t think I could take it. I couldn’t.
‘Lana? Are you in there?’
I squeezed my eyes tight shut again, hoping that would send him away, make him disappear. But that was wishful thinking and this was a situation I had to face, whether I wanted to or not. No more running away, Lana, remember?
Getting up, I made my way slowly to the door, preparing myself for the flood of feelings I knew I was going to experience as soon as I opened it. They didn’t hold back, washing over me like the strongest of waves, hitting me like the hardest of punches, taking my breath away the second his ice-blue eyes met mine.
I was gone. It was like the rest of the world had just evaporated around us as he kicked the door shut behind him, pushing me back against the wall without either of us saying a word, his hands already pulling the robe away from my body and I let it fall. The only thing I wanted to feel against my skin now was him. It was crazy; like some weird, erotic dream straight from my subconscious, because what was happening here, it was everything I’d imagined and wanted and hoped for with this man since the second I’d left him behind, but I’d never once thought it would happen. It had all taken place within my perfect, imaginary world and now, all of a sudden, it was playing out for real.
Every pent-up emotion, every held-back feeling was tearing out of me in a rush so strong it was frightening, because all of this was only a prelude to more pain and heartache when it was over. But I needed him so much. I wanted him so badly. So I didn’t care about the pain and the hurt that would follow. I pushed it aside, wrapped my legs tight around him and let him take me hard, his body invading mine with a beautiful force that shook me to the very core. I felt his presence in every nerveending, every fibre of my being was affected and I craved every thrust, every crash of his hips against mine. And when he came he let forth a cry so brutal I felt my entire body shake with the weight of frustration spilling out of him but, oh, that feeling of knowing he was inside me. Knowing he was there, and he was real, I could feel he was real.
I buried my face in his hair, my fingers gripping the material of his shirt as everything started to slow down and that blanket of reality began to creep over us. A moment I’d dreamt of was now being replaced by a moment I’d dreaded and I could already feel my heart start to pound twice as fast as it already had been, my chest tightening as I prepared for that cold, unwanted reality to hit.
‘I had to come here,’ he gasped, his breathing still heavy and ragged as he gently put me down. ‘I had to see you, Lana. I had to…’ He briefly bowed his head before looking back up at me. ‘Everything I’ve done, I had to do it because I love you. Do you understand that? Everything I’ve done is because I love you. And because I’m fighting for it this time. I’m fighting fucking hard.’
I cocked my head slightly as I looked at him, searching his face for some kind of explanation because, if I was being completely honest, I was having trouble believing this wasn’t some kind of weird and beautiful dream. He was here, but I still couldn’t quite get my head around it. It didn’t sound like him talking. Everything felt just a little too surreal.
‘What have you done?’ I whispered, running
my fingers over his still-bearded chin. Although his beard wasn’t quite as heavy as it had been when I’d last seen him, which told me he must have shaved it off at some point. But obviously not for very long. His hair was shorter than before, much shorter. It made him look tougher somehow, more edgy. Different. He really did seem different this time.
‘I want us to start again, Lana. You and me…’
That blanket of reality had well and truly been thrown over me now. Had he really come all this way just to re-open old wounds? Go over old ground? Try and resolve a situation that couldn’t be resolved?
‘Adam, I…’ And then I saw it. Saw that his hair wasn’t the only thing that had changed. How the hell hadn’t I seen it earlier? Four large letters twisted together in the most beautiful design, the black ink stark and bold as it spelled out my name on the underside of his forearm. I couldn’t take my eyes off it because I couldn’t quite believe it was there. ‘Is that…?’ I was asking an obviously rhetorical question because I could see it was real. I’d been around enough tattoos to know it was very real. And very new. Jesus, of course it was new! I’d only seen him a few weeks ago and he hadn’t had it then.
‘I needed you to see how committed I am, Lana. How committed I am to you. To us.’
‘Did Finn…? Did he do this?’
Adam looked down at his left arm. ‘He was the only one I trusted to do it.’
Finn hadn’t said a thing to me about this. Hadn’t mentioned seeing Adam at all. And I didn’t know whether I was angry about that or not. I was too surprised, too stunned at what Adam had done to feel anything but utter confusion right now.
‘Adam… Jesus. I… You hate tattoos so… so why… why do this to yourself?’
‘I don’t hate tattoos, Lana. I don’t hate anything. Except the stupid, mindless crap that was tearing us apart. And I’m sick of it. Sick of the constant ache in my stomach because all I can think about is you. Sick of not being able to sleep at night because I need you there beside me. I miss you with a pain so raw it’s wearing me down and I can’t do it anymore. I lost you once and losing you a second time made me realise how empty and shallow I’d become. Those things I said to David… I am so sorry, darling. I am so, so sorry.’
Shirley Valentine Goes to Vegas Page 30