Wayward Heart

by Cathryn Hein

  Only Digby and Jas remained at the head table.

  ‘Will you stay with me tonight?’ she asked. Jas had booked a room at the hotel to save a late-night journey back to Admella Beach.

  ‘I should go home.’

  She bit her lip. An excess of champagne and fatigue after a long day of excitement had made her emotional. Spending the night alone was too horrible a thought. ‘Please? No one will notice.’

  He stared at his almost empty beer glass for a long moment, then lifted it and downed the last gulp. ‘Okay.’

  Jas opened the door to her room and let Digby through, then pressed her back to it, closing it, and waited for him to turn and look at her. She smiled. ‘You should dress in a suit more often. It’s sexy.’

  ‘You think?’

  ‘Uh huh.’ She pushed off the door and sashayed slowly towards him. ‘But I think everything about you is sexy.’

  ‘Jas …’

  She pressed a finger to his lips. ‘Shh. I know you’re tired and I know it hasn’t been an easy day for you, but I’m going to make sure it ends very …’ she reached up on tiptoe and replaced her finger with her lips, ‘very …’ her mouth brushed his softly, ‘well.’

  Jas woke to find Digby dressed and perched on one of the room’s narrow armchairs, staring at a small gap in the curtains where a vivid morning was filtering in. A slight frown creased his forehead and he was lightly stroking the stubble of his jaw, like a man in the throes of deep contemplation. Or regret.

  He must have heard the change in her breathing or the rustle of sheets because he suddenly looked over his shoulder and smiled. ‘Good morning, sleepy.’

  Jas deliberately stretched, the action dropping the sheet from her breasts, and regarded him with a sultry expression. ‘Come back to bed.’

  His eyes flicked to her breasts and back to her face. ‘We’ve a brunch to get to.’

  ‘We can be late.’

  He lifted an eyebrow.

  ‘What’s the time?’

  ‘Nine-thirty.’

  ‘We’re not due at the Sinclairs’ until eleven. Loads of time.’

  Amusement creased Digby’s eyes. ‘Don’t you have to check out?’

  ‘I asked for a late one.’ She smiled again. ‘Thinking ahead. Now,’ she stretched out an arm, ‘come back to bed and ravish me.’

  ‘Ravish?’

  ‘Mmm. Ravish. You are, I have discovered, a most excellent ravisher.’

  That made him laugh. Digby rose and crossed to sit on the edge of the bed, but instead of playing along he eased the sheet back up over her breasts. ‘You’re beautiful and tempting, but I need to get home to shower and change.’ He tapped her nose. ‘You need to do the same.’

  Jas sighed. ‘So much for my plan for some morning delight.’

  ‘You had plenty last night.’

  ‘I can’t help it if I’m greedy. I like having sex with you.’

  ‘I like having sex with you too, but we have things on.’

  ‘Actually,’ said Jas, pulling down the sheet again, ‘I have nothing on.’

  His gaze skimmed her body but failed to linger. He turned serious. ‘I have to get going, Jas.’

  She sat up. There was a weariness in his tone that rang alarm bells. ‘Did I do something wrong?’

  ‘No. You never do anything wrong. It’s me. I really need to go.’

  ‘Will you come back? My car’s at home. I caught a lift with Em to the hill and then the limos brought us to town. I’ll need a lift to the Sinclairs’.’

  ‘Okay.’ He glanced at the bedside clock. ‘I’ll meet you out the front at ten to eleven.’

  Digby went to get up but Jas gripped his hand. ‘Are you sure there’s nothing wrong?’

  ‘Not with you.’ He kissed her lightly and walked out, leaving behind a room thick with anxiety.

  The feeling remained the entire afternoon, even against the love and laughter that was Em and Josh’s first day as husband and wife. For the sake of her friend Jas did her best to hide her growing unease, but Em had known Jas since they were small children—there was no hiding.

  ‘You seem a bit tense.’ Em’s eyes flicked questioningly to where Digby was chatting with Josh’s father.

  Jas wasn’t going to give her anything. Em and Josh were leaving on their honeymoon early in the morning and Jas didn’t want her worrying over this or anything else. ‘I’m just tired. It was, as I’m sure you’ll recall, a pretty big day yesterday.’

  ‘It was.’ Em’s gaze switched to Josh and she sighed. ‘I can’t wait to get away. There’s so much I want to see.’ She cast excited eyes on Jas. ‘Josh has promised to take me to see the Uffington Horse.’

  ‘Nice.’ Having spent months scribing and illustrating a hand-bound copy of G.K. Chesterton’s epic poem, The Ballad of the White Horse, Em had a special affiliation with the ancient chalk carving. ‘But you do realise you’ll be too busy having sex every which way to take even that in properly.’

  ‘Probably.’ Em leaned close, her cheek slightly flushed. ‘We’re going to try for a honeymoon baby.’

  Jas squealed and hugged her, causing everyone to look. Granny B’s expression narrowed to laser-like intensity.

  ‘Now look what you’ve done,’ scolded Em, prising Jas off. ‘They probably all think I’ve just told you I’m pregnant.’

  ‘You could be, after last night.’ Her eyebrows wiggled. ‘Unless you were too knackered to do it, like most brides and grooms are.’

  Em gave one of her disdainful chin lifts. ‘I’m not responding to that.’

  Jas laughed, her own gaze shifting to Digby and memories of the previous evening. He looked casual and cool in pale cotton shorts and leather deck shoes, and a chambray shirt with the sleeves rolled up. Instead of his usual worn Akubra, he was wearing an old-fashioned low-crowned pastoralist’s hat, giving him the air of a rich young squatter come to town.

  Her chest tightened at the sight. Last night she’d had the pleasure of his lean, excited body, his passionately dreamy kisses, his caring, tender touch. Today she felt like this distant admiration was the only emotion allowed. That morning he’d wanted her. She recognised it in the caress of his gaze, yet for some reason he’d suppressed his desire. Not only suppressed it, but seemed annoyed by it.

  As if sensing Jasmine’s attention, Digby angled a look towards her. Their eyes connected and he smiled. Jas smiled back. Perhaps she was imagining things and everything really was okay.

  ‘I’m sorry for doubting you two,’ said Em.

  Jas regarded her in astonishment.

  ‘You were right when you said it was doing you both good. He’s a different man.’

  ‘We’re both different.’

  ‘You?’ She seemed puzzled by that. ‘How?’

  Jas considered. ‘I don’t know. All I know is that I was in a hole after Mike, and Digby helped me out of it.’

  ‘You would have made that climb yourself in time, but I’m glad Digby helped you. I hope you and he continue.’

  ‘So do I.’

  Jas was still hopeful that would be the case when Digby offered to drive her home late that afternoon, but when he pulled into her drive and sat silent and unmoving, eyes on the distant dunes, her anxiety returned in full.

  She touched his thigh. The muscle was rigid. ‘Dig?’

  He sat for a few seconds longer and pushed the door open. ‘Let’s go for a walk.’

  Digby held her hand as they crossed the rear boundary fence and followed the track through the dunes to the beach. The tide was almost fully out, leaving long sweeps of glistening sand dotted with colourful scraps of seaweed, the occasional cuttlebone and other flotsam. Seagulls hovered and swooped, scavenging for scraps, worms and crabs. The breeze was light, the sun hazy gold. The calm sea sparkled like crystal.

  He led her to a sandy dry spot and sat. Jas nestled alongside and searched the immediate surroundings for something to fidget with, finally choosing a half pipi shell. She showed the inside to Digby. ‘This one�
�s really purple. Sometimes you find ones with mother of pearl colouring.’

  He took it from her, inspected it and handed it back then drew up his knees and draped his forearms on top. ‘Jas?’

  She swallowed. All weekend she’d feared this might come. She hunted around for something else to distract him with but apart from scraps of desiccated seaweed the sand was annoyingly clean.

  ‘Jas, look at me.’

  She did as ordered and wished she hadn’t. It was all there: the pity, the determination, the concern. Anger at what he was about to do made her want to throw sand in his face. Except this was Digby, a man whose only fault was to love too much. And Jas had no one to blame but herself for the heartbreak she was facing. The rules had been laid out from the start.

  He spoke quietly, almost ashamed. ‘I nearly lost it in the church yesterday.’

  ‘No one blames you for that. It was always going to be hard.’

  ‘Maybe. But I should have been stronger. It’s not like I didn’t have enough time to prepare for it.’ He dropped one leg and reached down for a handful of sand. ‘It made me realise something.’

  Jas felt as though her heart was being dragged out with the tide. She bowed her head, ordering herself to be strong. ‘You don’t want to do this with me anymore.’

  He took a long time to respond. ‘It’s not you, Jas. It’s me. I can’t give you what you deserve. I never realised what that meant until yesterday. The way I treat you?’ He shook his head. ‘All take and no give? It makes me no different to Mike.’

  She scrambled to her knees and leaned close, scanning his expression in disbelief. ‘What do you mean the way you treat me? Digby, you have been no less than wonderful. As for being like Mike.’ She made a disgusted noise. ‘You are nothing like him. Nothing!’

  ‘I am. And I don’t want that for you.’ He stared at her, a plea in his gaze. ‘You deserve someone who can give you everything.’

  ‘I have all I need. Great sex, friendship. You even do the dishes without me having to ask.’

  He smiled and stroked hair from her face. ‘You’re so funny. Don’t ever change.’

  Unable to bring herself to smack his hand away, much as she wanted to, Jas instead snatched up the pipi shell and lobbed it towards the sea. ‘Don’t fob me off. This is serious.’

  ‘I know.’ He let out a sigh. ‘Too serious, which is why I’m doing this. Before it gets any worse.’

  ‘This is not worse. What we have is good.’

  ‘It is, but it’s also wrong.’

  ‘How can we be wrong, Digby? Tell me that? We were two heartbroken people who found a bit of happiness through friendship and sex. How can that be wrong?’

  ‘Because while you’re doing this with me you’re not finding someone who deserves you.’

  Jas jerked to her feet. She didn’t want anyone else. Why couldn’t he see that? ‘You’re being frustrating.’ She looked down on him, wanting to yell but her constricted throat wasn’t up to it. ‘And you’re hurting me.’

  ‘I know.’ His voice was quiet. ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘Digby, please. I know it’s not perfect but I like the way we are. I want …’ She breathed in shakily, warning herself to be careful. For his sake as well as her own. Revealing how she really felt would only make the conversation even more fraught. There was enough guilt flying around as it was. ‘I want to keep seeing you.’

  He sighed and stood and took her hands. Jas couldn’t help her tears. He was breaking her apart.

  ‘I still love her, Jas. I thought it was fading. I wanted it to fade, but yesterday proved it’s still there, and that’s not fair on you.’

  Digby enfolded her against him as she began to bawl in earnest. She dug fingers into his shirt and banged her fist against his chest. ‘It doesn’t matter. Truly it doesn’t.’

  ‘It does. You know it does. Maybe not today but one day it will.’ He stroked her hair. ‘I want to be a good man, Jas. I want to change, move forward. Be proud of my life again. I can’t do that if I’m hurting you.’

  ‘But I’ll miss us. Not just the sex, us. You, me, all the silly things.’

  ‘So will I. But it won’t all be gone.’ He held her away from him, head ducked to look into her lowered eyes. ‘We’ll still be friends, won’t we?’

  ‘Of course.’ She sniffed loudly and rubbed her eyes on her arm, then poked him in the chest. ‘You’re not getting away that easily.’

  He smiled and grabbed for her again, squeezing her in a tight embrace. ‘I don’t know what I would have done without you. If it weren’t for you, I’d still be living in darkness. You saved me. Showed me there’s a life beyond grief.’

  Perhaps that was the truth and she had, but as she knew now, the cost for Jas was her own darkness.

  CHAPTER

  24

  Jas rationed herself to one day of broken-hearted moping.

  With Em leaving for her honeymoon in the morning and Teagan on her way back to Sydney, poor, long-suffering Ox was commissioned into service.

  On Sunday night, when Jas had finished sobbing all over the horse’s sturdy neck, she retreated to the house and ate an entire block of milk chocolate washed down with three glasses of red wine, before throwing herself onto her bed and bawling some more until she finally collapsed into an exhausted sleep.

  Monday evening was the same, excluding wine and chocolate but including a cheese toastie that was more cheese than bread. On Tuesday Jas woke to the sparkle and kaleidoscope colours of Em’s crystal butterfly catching the bedroom window light, and declared her mourning period over. Time to seize the day, look ahead, and start acting like the independent woman she wanted to be.

  It wasn’t easy. Without Digby her bed felt lonely and cold, the house too quiet. There was an ache inside her that refused to dull even after a week had passed. If this was how she felt, Jas couldn’t even begin to comprehend the pain Digby must feel on a daily basis over the loss of Felicity. That didn’t make their break-up any easier to deal with though. Jas might understand his reasoning, even appreciate the nobility of it, but she wanted him back.

  As the days drifted Jas found herself surprised by what she missed most with Digby—not sex, but his gentle companionship. Oxy played his stoic role, but his affection was limited to nudges and warm breaths blown into her hair. He couldn’t share laughter or tears, or talk about desires and aspirations. He couldn’t watch Doctor Who and then argue over who was scarier, the Daleks or Cybermen, or which was the best Christmas special. Normally Em would have been Jasmine’s sounding board and shoulder to cry on, but she was gallivanting around England, leaving Jas to mine her own spirit for the grit to make it through alone.

  To avoid moping, she took to long beach rides, movie watching and early nights reading in bed, but they soon became tiresome. She was bored with her own company, and the lack of productive activity was becoming irritating. After two weeks Jas had had enough and gave herself a solid talking to.

  Enough of a life that revolved around men. Mike had already drained almost four hopeless years from it, and though she didn’t blame Digby one second for what happened between them, Jas refused to let him or anyone else hijack any more.

  Sunday of the second weekend, Jas set herself up at the kitchen table with a pen and pad of notepaper, and made a series of lists: her strengths and weaknesses, her hopes and dreams, all the things she was most passionate about, that she used to measure the quality of her life.

  By the time she’d finished cross-matching and refining, Jas had a clear set of goals and an action plan to see her forward. She sat back with her arms crossed and regarded her work with satisfaction. There was a long road ahead but she would do it. For the first time in a long while, she would own her life and what came out of it.

  The newlyweds arrived home in mid-December, good-naturedly complaining about the heat after the European cold. Em immediately invited Jas over to catch up on all the news and show off a thousand photos on her laptop.

  ‘You should
have seen the Book of Kells, Jas. The workmanship was incredible. And the library at Trinity …’ Em sighed at the memory, eyes alight with wonder.

  Jas gave Josh a dry look. ‘Thrill-a-minute honeymoon, huh?’

  He laughed and regarded Em with amused affection. ‘For someone it was.’

  ‘That’s what you get for having a book nerd for a wife.’

  Em regarded Jas down her nose. ‘I did more than look at art and books, you know.’

  ‘Oh,’ Jas teased, ‘I bet you did.’

  ‘Time for me to leave,’ said Josh, leaning across to kiss Em’s hair. ‘I’d better attack this lawn. Bring me a beer when it’s safe to return.’

  ‘Ordering you around already?’ Jas tsked when he’d gone.

  Em laughed. ‘Only in his mind.’ She glanced out the big window to where Josh was regarding the lawn borders with his hands on his hips. ‘He was so patient when we were away, letting me tour all the galleries and museums.’

  ‘Of course he was. He loves you. Speaking of which, any news?’

  Em didn’t need a translation. ‘No.’ She cupped her chin on her palm and sighed. ‘And not for want of trying either.’

  ‘It’ll happen.’

  ‘No doubt it will.’ Em swiped the laptop touchpad, scrolling through random photos of castles, country houses and lush English countryside. ‘Josh says I’m being impatient.’

  ‘You’ve been married, what—a month? Yes, Em, you’re being impatient.’

  ‘I know, I know.’ She stood and wandered to the kitchen, where she took out coffee mugs and switched on the kettle. ‘Anyway, you haven’t told me about what’s happening with you.’

  ‘Bugger all. Work, rest, not much play.’

  Em reached for the teabags. ‘Not even with Digby?’

  ‘Digby and I aren’t seeing each other anymore.’

  Em’s arm stilled then dropped. Slowly, she faced Jas and regarded her with a deep frown. She seemed completely pole-axed by the revelation. ‘But why …’