The Guild of Fallen Clowns

by Francis Xavier

  “That’s a loaded question.” Jerry looked around to be sure nobody was within earshot. He leaned toward Sam and spoke just above a whisper. “See, for me, it’s something in the middle. It’s more like ‘feelings.’”

  “Feelings? I don’t understand. How were you able to locate those bodies from feelings? I mean, did you see where they were or did you hear voices telling you where they were?”

  Jerry looked uncomfortable as he tried to verbalize his experiences. “Okay, do you remember the case you and Jack brought me in on where the body was buried deep in the woods?”

  “The Owens girl?” Sam said.

  “Yes, the Owens girl. Well, that was a particularly difficult one for me because the woods all look—feel—the same. All I could feel was that she was in the forest. I didn’t have a creek or a hill or a nearby road to help me.”

  “So you saw the woods?”

  “No, well, not exactly. My feelings create a fuzzy picture in my mind. In that case, we had to drive around until I got a feeling we were getting close.”

  “Did something speak to you?” Sam asked.

  “Yes, but not the way you think. It wasn’t a voice. Again, it was a feeling. When I was going in the right direction, it felt right. So in a way, something was telling me to go that way. Does this make any sense at all?”

  “So you don’t hear voices. And you don’t see things. But then how can you say that you can see my aura? How can it be dark if you can’t see it?”

  Jerry’s shoulders slumped as he sighed and lowered his head in defeat. Before he was able to take another pass at explaining the unexplainable, a heavyset man sat in the stool beside Sam. Both Sam and Jerry looked at the man, who wasted no time in placing his order.

  “Could I get a cosmo please?” he said.

  “Sure,” Jerry said.

  Jerry turned back to Sam. “Just be careful, friend. Don’t let your demons come back to haunt you.” He turned to make the customer’s drink and Sam returned to his scotch.

  *****

  “I told you he would let us in,” Caitlyn whispered to Megan as the four girls sat at a table.

  “This is awesome. What should we order?” Megan asked her friends.

  Before anyone could answer, the waitress arrived. They all looked at each other and then Caitlyn blurted, “Buttery nipples all around.” Holly threw her hand up and told the waitress to make hers a Diet Coke. The other girls turned beet red as they gave Caitlyn disapproving looks.

  “What, someone had to answer her. I had to say something before one of you guys ordered something in a juice box, or Jell-o shots.”

  “Fine, but why did you have to yell out ‘buttery nipples’? Couldn’t you go with jack and Coke or something less embarrassing?” Loren said in a low voice.

  “Is buttery nipple even a drink?” Megan asked.

  “Yesss, it’s a real drink,” Caitlyn said, rolling her eyes. “It’s butterscotch schnapps and Bailey’s.”

  “I love butterscotch!” Megan burst out as she leaned forward with her hands to her sides under the table. Her eyes opened wide and she licked her lips in anticipation. Upon seeing her reaction, her three friends broke out in laughter.

  *****

  The man seated next to Sam was turned away from the bar. His drink arrived and he turned back to thank Jerry. “Those girls look like they are having a good time,” he said to Jerry.

  “Yup,” Jerry replied.

  “I wish I could feel that happy tonight,” he said.

  Jerry glanced over at Sam, who returned a smirk.

  “Do you know what happened to me tonight?” the cosmo customer asked.

  “How would I?” Jerry replied.

  “I was dumped. We were together for four years. Then out of nowhere—so long, have a good life. I didn’t even see it coming,” he said. “Now what am I supposed to do? I still have feelings. The love is still there for me. How am I supposed to go on?”

  Jerry shared an annoyed look with Sam before responding. “Look, pal, my friend here can back me up when I tell you I’m probably the last person you should ask about feelings. No offense, but the truth is, I got out of the business of helping people over thirty years ago.” He turned and went to help another customer at the opposite end of the bar.

  The customer looked down at his drink and stirred it with a swizzle stick. “Rude!” he grumbled. Sam grinned and sipped his scotch.

  *****

  “Oh. My. God…this is so frickin’ good,” Megan said after her first taste of her buttery nipple. “I can taste the butterscotch. You barely taste the alcohol.” She looked at Holly and held her drink out. “Seriously, you have to try this, Holly. You won’t get drunk from a taste, and you won’t even taste the alcohol.”

  Holly smiled and held the drink back with an open hand. “I believe you, Meg. I just don’t want it.”

  “Have you ever had a drink, Holly? I mean, it’s okay with me. You’re a great DD, but our freshman year is almost over and we’ve never seen you drink,” Loren said.

  “Yes, I’ve had alcohol before. I know how it tastes. I just don’t like what it does to me, that’s all.”

  “Are you an alcoholic?” Caitlyn bellowed in her usual outdoor voice.

  “Caitlyn!” Loren barked. “Leave her alone. It’s none of our business. If she doesn’t want to drink, she doesn’t have to drink. We don’t need to know why, so back off, chick.”

  “No, it’s okay,” Holly said. “I’m not an alcoholic, and I don’t dislike the taste of liquor. Like I said, I just don’t like what it does to me.”

  “It makes me horny,” Megan chimed in.

  “What doesn’t make you horny?” Caitlyn said before returning her attention to Holly. “I’m sorry, Holly. I didn’t mean to get in your face like that. I’m an obnoxious drunk.”

  “Yeah, right, only when you’re drunk?” Megan quipped.

  *****

  “I’ve never done this before,” cosmo drinker said, staring down at his drink. Sam looked around to discover he was the only person within hearing range of the man.

  “’Scuse me?”

  The man looked up from his drink. “I see it on TV and in movies all the time. That’s why I’m here.”

  Sam’s confusion intensified. “Sorry?”

  “Here, a bar. Isn’t this where people go when they get depressed? They go to a bar to drink their troubles away. But on TV, the bartenders are much nicer. They listen and give good advice.” He looked back at his drink and slumped on his stool.

  “Don’t believe everything you see on TV or in the movies,” Sam said.

  The man looked up at him and smiled. “Thank you.”

  “Um, for what?” Sam replied.

  “For listening. You didn’t walk away like Mr. Too Busy to Listen over there. It’s just a really difficult time for me and I don’t have anyone to talk to.”

  “Hold on, buddy, I’m just here for a few drinks, then I’m leaving. I’ve got plenty problems of my own.”

  “Well, of course you have problems, silly. You’re alone at a bar.” He put his elbows on the bar and rested his face in his palms. “Tell me what’s troubling you. I’m a great listener. It might make me feel better if I could help someone else tonight.”

  Sam started sliding off his stool. His eager new friend frowned. “Oh, please don’t go. I’m so sorry. You don’t even know me and I’m asking you to open up and share your problems.” He pouted and dabbed a napkin in the corner of his eye to soak up a tear. “This is why Daniel left me. I care too much and I’m too clingy. And I don’t know when to mind my own business. Please stay. I promise not to ask you anything personal.”

  Sam stopped halfway off his stool. Cosmo waited with a sad puppy face. Sam sighed and slid back on the stool. His new best friend smiled and clapped in joy.

  “Here’s the thing,” Sam said. “I’m almost finished with my third scotch. I don’t have or want a fourth, so I’m only going to be here for another three minutesat best.”r />
  “That’s okay, sweetie. I just don’t want you to leave because of me.”

  “Oh, and don’t ask for advice,” Sam added. “I’ll just sit and listen for the next three minutes. Then I’m gone.”

  “I understand. Oh, and I won’t ask you anything personal, promise.”

  Sam looked across the bar to see Jerry grinning from ear to ear shaking his head.

  *****

  The waitress placed three more shots and a Diet Coke on the table.

  “I’ll get this one,” Megan said as she reached into her purse for money. She paid for the drinks and returned her wallet. As she removed her hand from the purse, she held the figure of Peepers and with a sly grin slammed it on the table in front of Loren. Loren shut her eyes and threw her hand out, slapping the top of the figure. The force and location of the hit should have toppled the figure over. Instead, it slid and rotated to the opposite side of the table, where it rested inches from Holly’s face.

  “I don’t remember it having a smile before,” Holly said, staring at its face.

  Caitlyn grabbed it at the base and slid it back to Megan. “Now it’s starting to creep me out. Put it away, Meg, or you’re also buying the next round,” she said. Megan laughed and returned the figure inside her purse.

  “Thanks, Caitlyn,” Loren said as she lowered her hand from her eyes.

  *****

  Jerry placed another cosmo and a handful of napkins in front of the weeping customer before retreating to the far end of the bar, once again leaving Sam alone with the guy. The customer wadded up the napkins and rubbed his tear-soaked eyes and face before blowing his nose.

  “It’s so unfair,” he cried. “The house is his and he told me to move out by Tuesday. Where am I supposed to go?” Sam returned a shrug and drank the last of his scotch.

  “It’s like my entire life changed in an instant. First, I lost my partner. Now I have to move out and start over. I don’t know if I’m strong enough. I love him so much,” he said as he looked to Sam for guidance. “Have you ever felt that way about someone? A person who knows everything about you, who means the world to you? Then they’re gone, and you have this gigantic void in your heart? How will I go on?”

  Sam stood and sighed. “Yes, I have. I lost my partner over thirty years ago. It destroyed me.”

  His new friend looked in his eyes. “Have the two of you talked since then?” he asked.

  “No,” Sam replied. He placed his hand on the distraught man’s shoulder and said, “I wish it were that easy, son.”

  “But maybe it’s not too late to work things out. Maybe you can get back together and be partners again,” cosmo drinker said.

  Sam smiled. “Maybe you should take your own advice. Maybe it’s not too late for you.” Sam patted his back and walked away.

  Jerry noticed him heading toward the exit. “Leaving so soon, Sam?” he snickered.

  Sam grinned and nodded. “Yup, I have to see an old friend.”

  Jerry’s expression turned somber. “Take care of yourself, Sam.”

  Sam waved and left the bar. Outside, he stopped, took in a few deep breaths, and slowly exhaled. He peered over at his car and walked to the driver’s side door. Peeking through the window, he saw the figure lying on the seat where he left it. Without hesitating, he opened the door and sat down. He grabbed the figure and took a long hard look before tossing it over his shoulder to the back seat.

  “It’s just a toy,” he muttered as he turned the key and backed out of the parking spot. “Just a stupid toy,” he repeated before shifting and driving away.

  Chapter 26

  “‘The Ringmaster’ is his legal name. He had it changed,” Alan said to Mary. “When you see him, you’ll get it, but don’t say anything, because he’s not all there.”

  “I wouldn’t say anything mean,” she said as they approached the booth. Then Mary saw what could only be The Ringmaster in his interesting costume and stopped. “Oh, I see what you mean. Does he really think he’s a ringmaster?” she said.

  “No, he’s not that bad. He just wants to be one. He wants to be someone important, with power. He just doesn’t recognize his own limitations, and he’s extremely paranoid. He thinks I’m out to get him.”

  Mary’s mouth opened as she turned to look at the curiously dressed carny. “Are you serious? He thinks you are out to get him? Why would he think that?”

  “Well, he doesn’t really think I want to hurt him or anything like that. He thinks I’m out to take his jobor, eh, the job he wants. I don’t know what’s going on under that top hat. Like I said, he’s not all there.”

  Ringmaster noticed the two standing ten feet from his booth and snarled.

  “Oh my god!” Mary mumbled. “You’re right, that guy definitely doesn’t like you.”

  “Don’t worry, he’s harmless. At least that’s what Cracky tells me.”

  “Maybe we should go somewhere else. This guy looks like he’s going to bite you if we get any closer,” she said.

  “He’s harmless,” Alan repeated, not knowing which of them he was trying to convince. “Let’s say hi.” He took Mary’s hand and led her to the counter along the front of Ringmaster’s booth. Ringmaster’s nose cringed as their eyes met. His head turned away and he moved to set up fresh stacks of lead bottles.

  “I think you scared him,” Mary whispered. Alan smiled.

  “Ringmaster!” he called out. The Ringmaster turned.

  “Why are you back, clown? They fired you.”

  “I wasn’t fired,” Alan said. “They just didn’t need me anymore due to the fire in the Labyrinth. Tonight I’m here as a customer.” He looked at Mary and said, “I’m on a date.”

  Ringmaster didn’t look at her. His eyes remained locked on Alan until customers stepped up beside the pair.

  “How much?” a young man asked.

  “A buck for three shots,” Ringmaster replied. The customer turned to two of his friends lined up beside him and all three slapped dollar bills on the counter.

  Getting back into character, Ringmaster barked out to the gathering crowd, “One dollar buys you three chances. Knock the bottles down once and win a prize. Three tries for a dollar. Three balls for a buck.” He handed each of them three baseballs and stepped to the side near the stacked bottles.

  “Psst!”

  Ringmaster turned toward the sound. Behind the tarp wall, he saw Geno peeking out from his back room.

  “Come back here. I need to talk to you about something,” Geno whispered.

  “On three,” one of the customers said, as all three prepared to fire.

  “Hey Ringmaster,” Alan said. He laid a dollar on the counter. “I’d like to give it a try.”

  Ringmaster glared at Alan, then back through the crack at Geno.

  “Now, Ringmaster,” Geno ordered.

  “Three!” The customers launched their balls. One missed completely while the other two toppled the top bottle from their stacks. Ringmaster held a finger up to prevent them from firing as he restacked the bottles and stepped to the opening to the rear on the opposite side. Before stepping through, he told the customers and Alan to hold on till he came back out.

  “What the hell,” one of the customers said. “Where’d he go? He could have at least waited until we threw a couple more balls.” They all shook their heads in disbelief.

  “What do you want, I’m working,” Ringmaster said.

  “I know, but this is important.”

  “Go on, then, tell me.”

  “I’m going to be leaving and I want you to take over the Labyrinth. The problem is that Cracky doesn’t want to give it to you. He doesn’t think you’re ready, and he’s thinking about giving it to Alan.”

  “The clown?” Ringmaster growled.

  “Yes, but you and I know that you’re the best person for the job. Hell, you’ll probably be better than me.”

  “That’s what I keep telling Cracky. I can’t believe he wants to give it to that fuck
ing clown,” Ringmaster said with his teeth clenched so tight Geno could hear them grinding.

  “Yeah, you have charisma. I’m good with the technical stuff, but I can teach you all that. You can’t teach charisma.”

  “Yeah, I have charisma,” Ringmaster repeated.

  “That’s right, buddy. The job should go to you. You’ve earned it, and I figured out how to make it happen. I already talked to Alan about it and he said he would back out and let you have the job if you make it so that he wins one of the big prizes for his girlfriend.”

  “That’s it? He’ll walk away for a stupid stuffed animal?”

  “I know, some guys will do anything for a girl. But it can’t be any prize. It has to be one of the big ones,” Geno said.

  Ringmaster laughed. “Stupid clown.”

  “I know, stupid, right? I think the clown is thinking with his little clown head,” Geno said.

  Ringmaster chuckled. “Small clown head,” he repeated.

  “Now, get back up there and stack the special bottles for Alan. We’ll start your training tomorrow.”

  Ringmaster nodded and returned to the front. Alan and Mary had already decided not to wait. They were twenty feet away when Ringmaster called out to them. “Hey, Alan, c’mon back.” Alan and Mary turned to see Ringmaster smiling and waving them back to his booth.

  “Dr. Jekyll, I presume,” Mary muttered. Alan laughed and they returned to the booth.

  The other customers finished their shots and two decided to give it another try while the third watched.

  “I’m sorry, Alan,” Ringmaster said. “I just found out.” He grinned and winked at Alan.

  “Found out what?” Alan replied.

  “Here, three balls. Now give me a second to set up the first stack for you.” Ringmaster turned and pulled three bottles from below the shelf. He set them up and stood to the side.

  Alan and Mary shared a look of confusion. Then Alan shrugged and wound up for his first throw. At the same time, the other two customers were preparing to throw their own baseballs. All three fired within a split second of each other. Alan hit the top bottle, which took down the two below it as it fell. One of the other customers hit dead center, knocking the top bottle from the stack while the bottom two remained standing.

  “You did it!” Mary cheered.