Are We Nearly There Yet

by Lucy Vine

  ‘I feel great,’ I say, adding quickly, ‘but I don’t think I’m high, I think I’m just great.’ I pause. ‘Wait, I have an important question.’

  ‘What is the question?’ faraway version of Uber Driver asks.

  I think about it. ‘I can’t remember.’

  ‘OK.’

  ‘Wait, I remember now,’ I say suddenly. ‘It’s important. When do you think The Rock will be president?’

  ‘Isn’t he president already?’ Dom says and we both think about it for a long time.

  ‘Help me stand up,’ I say impulsively, as he takes my hand. But neither of us stand. It feels very funny to be holding his hand, sitting on a beach, and so I start laughing. I’m holding the hand of this stranger I have known less than a week. A stranger I met in a taxi, whose penis has been inside me. How funny life is. He is giggling now too, and I cannot imagine life gets any better than this. How could it possibly?

  Then – off in the distance – I notice the funfair on the pier. The Ferris wheel lights up the night sky. I stop giggling and grip Dom’s hand tighter.

  ‘We have to go to that. I want to go on a ride,’ I say and it is the most vital mission I’ve had so far on this life journey.

  ‘Yes!’ he shouts and he is on his feet, taking me up with him.

  My legs feel funny and I am glad to still have hold of his hand. I take out my phone and I take a photo of our hands, locked together. I have to remember this lovely moment with a near-stranger. I want to look at this photo forever. I want to look at it every time I am sad and not sure if things will be good again.

  ‘How far away is that?’ I say, looking off at the sparkly pier and I am giggling again.

  ‘I think it’s almost certainly too far to walk,’ he says thoughtfully. ‘Particularly because I don’t know if you can walk.’

  ‘That’s ridiculous,’ I say crossly, ‘of course I can walk!’ And then I fall over in the sand and I lie there laughing, until he picks me up.

  ‘We don’t have to walk, but we do have to be able to stand,’ he tells me, and I think he may be right.

  ‘We will uder an ober,’ I say, inspiration striking me. ‘Wait, I mean uder an orber. Wait, what am I trying to say?’

  ‘Do you mean uder an ober?’ he says and we both start laughing again.

  ‘You are an ober driver,’ I point out, helpfully. ‘Can I uder you?’

  ‘I’m not picking you up,’ he says and we are moving across the sand somehow. ‘You are only a 3.5.’

  We walk a few steps. ‘Are we nearly there yet?’ I say, and I think I mean in life.

  ‘Not even close,’ he says, and I think he means in life.

  ‘I have an idea!’ I say, stopping. ‘We can get a rickshaw along the sand. That way we don’t have to leave the beach. Because Uder Briver, I don’t want to leave the beach, ever.’

  Dom agrees this is a better idea, and we haggle with a passing driver in yellow shorts. For twenty dollars he will take us the three miles along the sea front, and he says we can shout as much as we like because we wanted that included in the price.

  We climb on board and the man starts peddling hard. The warm wind in my face feels amazing as we fly along, passing glowing bikes and tourists and pedestrians and people on those scooter things. And I feel really happy. I know I am high, and also full of sexy hormones, but I think I really am happy.

  I sit back and stare up for a minute.

  I feel so far away from everything. So far away from my old, pathetic life. So far away from everything that needs resolving. I wanted escapism here; I wanted shallow silliness; I wanted fun; and that’s what I’ve found. That’s a good thing, isn’t it? It is. Because escaping is not the same as running away. Escaping is fine. And even running away is fine, too, I’m sure of it. Getting a rickshaw away is even better.

  I think I was right to come here, to do this. I think this is going to be OK. I think that I am going to be OK. Everything is going to work out how it’s supposed to. I just have to stay on the beach, and I just have to get on that Ferris wheel.

  ‘Which way is west?’ I ask our driver and he points out in front of us, over the landscape full of people and life. I turn to Dom to tell him I was right, and he kisses me.

  ‘Uber Driver,’ I shout, pulling away and looking deep into his big brown eyes. ‘This is important, you have to listen to me. You have to listen.’

  We are silent as we stare at each other intently.

  In a whispered voice I say it – I say the important thing.

  ‘Uber Driver, let’s play thumb wars with our tongues.’

  And we do.

  ***

  from: Mark Edwards

  to: Alice Edwards

  Here you go, Alice xx I know you love these!!

  ---------- Forwarded message ----------

  from: Hannahtruthseeker@protonmail.com

  to: Hannah Edwards

  cc: Hannah Edwards

  date: 6 May at 22.15

  subject: APRIL FAMILY NEWSLETTER: TOP SECRET

  mailed-by: ProtonMail

  EDWARDS FAMILY NEWSLETTER/APRIL RECAP

  Good evening, assorted family members,

  Hannah here. I identify myself to you all with this month’s code word so you know it’s really me and not the government co-opting my family newsletters.

  MOIST

  I hope everyone is very well. First up this month, Mum has requested that I thank you all for the cards and well-wishes. Steven is still in intensive care at the hospital and when we have more news, we will update everyone.

  Next: for those asking, Alice is currently in LA, where I have been a little concerned as we all know the CIA are listening and watching her every move, but she has reassured me she is keeping a low profile. She is writing a ‘travel blog’ on AWOL.com where you can read all about her adventures. Don’t worry, I am in the process of infiltrating the website to ensure its security is top notch. I was concerned her most recent blog post was a coded message, but I have spent the past week trying to work it out and I think she maybe just sat on her phone.

  Other investigations I am currently working on are:

  -How the Y2K bug DID REALLY HAPPEN!!! We just didn’t realise until now.

  -The truth about how Finland is FAKE NEWS.

  -Why are we not being told the truth about how Donald Trump’s hair style is linked to Roswell and Area 51????? This is one Mark flagged up to me and asked me to look into and I am very intrigued.

  In other family news:

  -Uncle Ned has asked me to let you all know he has started a Crowdfunding page to raise funds for his gastric bypass operation. Please donate what you can here.

  -Cousin Leon is having a big party for his dog Gertie’s 17th birthday next month! All welcome, but just be aware that Gertie is having more digestive issues, so you may want to wear shoe covers.

  -Aunt Charlotte is pleased to say her youngest, little Jemima, is starting to develop into a woman! She would like any old bras you can give away? Jemima is already a size B, so I’m mostly looking at you, cousin Jo?

  Until next month, fellow Truth Seekers.

  Hannah xx

  This email is confidential and views or opinions presented are solely those of Hannah Edwards and do not necessarily represent those of the Edwards family. Hannah does not accept responsibility for any damage whatsoever that is caused by viruses being passed. Be advised that any use, dissemination, forwarding, printing, or copying of this email is strictly prohibited. ESPECIALLY BY YOU, LIZARD OVERLORDS.

  11

  AWOL.COM/Alice Edwards’ Travel Blog: Living My Dream and Feeling Very #Blessed

  12 May – 8.11 a.m.

  Good morning, dream chasers,

  Apologies for my previous blog post,
I tried to delete it, but it just duplicated four times. Anyway, it was not a butt-blog, as one comment suggested, it was an elbow-blog. I was in bed a lot that week because of a little cold and my elbows got in the way of me trying to watch nature documentaries. But I would never complain, and it gave me much time to reflect and examine my place in the universe.

  Either way, I am all better now and out of bed. I have been busy having a truly wonderful, fulfilling week. I have been on sunshine-filled bike marathons, visited the stunning Venice Canals, and travelled to the glorious Silver Lake for a picnic. We also took the fascinating Universal Studios tour, where I really lived in the moment and took the time to absorb the genius surrounding me. We then visited Madame Tussauds in Hollywood, where I took a picture with Gandhi and other important figures.

  Today, I am extremely excited to say I AM GOING TO DISNEYLAND!!!! This is indeed a dream come true. Do I dare chase other dreams now? I am going with three new pals, Dom, Patrick and Ethan, and one old friend, Isy.

  She’s not old though, not according to her IMDb page.

  I was inspired to buy Disney tickets after visiting a wonderful funfair last week. I shall upload a picture of the tickets in a moment, so that you, too, may enjoy the thrill of this experience (just in case you were wondering about the time stamp, yes, I did buy them at 3 a.m. but I was not drunk or high, it was just a coincidence).

  I know we’re going to embrace so much magic and wonder at the park, and I cannot wait to converse with the true star of the franchise: Minnie Mouse.

  Yours sincerely,

  Alice x

  #DisneyLand #ARollercoasterRide #OverlyExcitableHashtags #TravelBlogger #GoneAWOL #AliceEdwardsBlog #BloggerLife #Blessed #Brave #DreamChaser

  7 Comments · 8 AWOLs · 53 Super Likes

  COMMENTS:

  Isabelle Moore

  | Me and Ethan are so excited, too! We’ll see you by Mickey’s Fun Wheel!

  Ethan Winkleman

  Replying to Isabelle Moore and Alice Edwards

  | Mickey’s Fun Wheel sounds so sexual . . .

  Alice Edwards

  Replying to Ethan Winkleman and Isabelle Moore

  | Guys, please, please don’t.

  Paul ProudDadtoDaughters

  | Wot bout Mickey Mouse? U fuckin feminists are trying to kill of anythin mail

  AWOL MODERATOR

  Replying to Paul ProudDadtoDaughters

  | Hey Paul mate! I know it’s an important convo about equality, but please be respectful to our users :) I’m here if you fancy chatting more. Luke

  Paul ProudDadtoDaughters

  Replying to AWOL MODERATOR

  | luke you turd

  Eva Slate

  | Have fun Amazing Alice! Are you free to Skype later? Miss yooooooou.

  ‘DUDES, ONLY A FIFTY-MINUTE QUEUE FOR THIS ONE!’ I am positively screaming, and people are staring, but I don’t care. I’m wearing official mouse ears and a Disney jumper, and I’ve never been happier.

  Dom smiles, but Isy looks bored already.

  We are in actual Disneyland, and on a sort of pseudo double-date with me, Dom, Isy, Ethan and an enthusiastic fifth wheel in the form of my AirBnB host, Patrick. He is almost as excited as I am.

  So OK, we have spent most of the day so far in queues, but it’s worth it! And it’s definitely been a high point after a busy week of trying to be A Good Tourist.

  Since that night getting physically and literally high on the Ferris wheel with Dom, we’ve spent much more time interacting with Other People and doing Actual Things.

  I wanted to tick off the list of stuff Constance Beaumont said on her blog that you have to do in LA. So we went on a long bike ride, which ended in the bad kind of hysterics when I face-planted on the pavement, grazed my knees and wept on the side of the road. Then we went to see the Venice Canals, which Constance said were ‘spectacular’, but were only OK. It was kind of cloudy and they just looked like muddy streams to me. We have better canals in the UK, and I will fight anyone who says otherwise. We also planned a day at Silver Lake with a picnic, like Constance did, but then got stuck in traffic for four hours and ended up giving up and going home to drink gin. It wasn’t all a let-down though. We took the Universal Studios tour, and it was fun snapping a few thousand pictures like true tourists! But then I had to delete most of them to free up space on my phone for our visit to Madame Tussauds in Hollywood. I got a selfie with the Rihanna waxwork and then I cried again, but that was happy crying.

  Dom has been very patient with my endless thirst for tourist attractions. And AirBnB Patrick has become a bit of a partner in crime to the pair of us. He’s such a lot of fun, I’m so glad I’m staying with him, and delighted he’s here with us today, too. Isy and Ethan were a last-minute addition this morning, finally emerging from their sex bubble, and now we are all here and I cannot stop screaming. We’re at actual Disneyland! I’ve been to the one in Paris with Eva, Karen and Slutty Sarah, and it was the best long weekend ever. So I know today is going to be awesome.

  I am very aware of my time in America running out, and I feel slightly panicky about it. I’m stuck in Fun Mode. I really don’t want to leave. I don’t think I’m ready for too much self-discovery in Thailand. I don’t need to know myself better, I like this fun-myself just fine. And I’ve made friends here. I’ve got too used to the clear skies and all-day sun. I like my routine of morning yoga, a walk along the beach, lunchtime sex with Dom, followed by a touristy adventure. In Asia, I will know no one and I’m hopping from unglamorous hostel to unglamorous hostel.

  From my current position of perpetual joy and sex, I am less than excited about that prospect.

  But it’s booked, and I can’t stay here for ever. Life goes on. And I do still have nearly a whole week left! I’m trying to stay in the moment and make the most of what’s left. And I have my picture to remind me. The one of me from last Wednesday. The one of me holding hands with near-stranger Dom, walking along the beach, high as a kite from my first-ever spliff, giggling like I would never stop, over ‘oders’ and ‘urbers’. I keep looking at it to remind myself it’s good to let go, to try new things, to jump on the spontaneous adventures. It’s a reminder that everything that’s happened lately has been worth it.

  We join the queue and I shake my fists in the air happily. I can’t wait.

  ‘Next, I want to go on The Little Mermaid Undersea Adventure ride,’ I say, a bit too loudly, and the little girl in the queue behind me shouts, ‘ME TOO.’ I turn around and we nod at each other with respect.

  ‘Oh God, really?’ Isy says, half laughing, but looking a bit exasperated. ‘Haven’t we done enough? Can’t we just go on, like, this one ride, and then go get some booze?’

  ‘Does Disneyland even sell alcohol?’ I say, surprised.

  She nods in a direction off to the right. ‘In the hotels they do. Let’s just get some selfies with the cartoon characters for Instagram, then go get drunk. Rides just get in the way of the actual fun.’

  I am intrigued by the idea of getting drunk at Disney. I have heard reports of Disney jail and a big part of me wants to see it for myself. I want to see if the handcuffs have ears. But I am also desperate to get a proper go on the rides. I want more adrenaline.

  ‘What do you want to do?’ I turn to Dom and Patrick. Dom shrugs. He has been in a bit of an odd mood today. Patrick is more decisive, and shouts, ‘RIDES’ at me, grinning.

  ‘Me and Patrick could go on a few more rides, then meet you guys later, if you like?’ I suggest to the group.

  ‘Sounds good to me,’ Ethan says neutrally, examining his perfectly manicured nails.

  ‘Typical,’ Dom mutters and I frown at him. What’s that supposed to mean? Typical of what? I don’t understand.

  Before I can ask, Isy pulls out her phone. ‘Let’s get a picture together in the queue!’ We pose as she shouts, ‘HASHT
AG BEST TIME EVER AT DISNEY I CAN’T EVEN!’

  I roll my eyes. ‘Isy, you give Millennials a bad rap.’

  The little girl behind me sniggers. I like her.

  Dom leans over, resting his large head on my shoulder. ‘Can we take a selfie, just of us?’ he says quietly. I giggle. ‘Sure thing, Uber Driver.’ I pull out my own phone, and I see him flinch as we simultaneously register the text message waiting on there – from TD.

  I’ve told Dom all about TD because why would I lie? This is just a twelve-night stand after all. So yeah, of course I told him about the tortured back and forthing and the never-ending drunk texts. He laughed and teased me about my stupidity in wasting so many years going back to an idiot. In fact, just yesterday, I was telling him about the last birthday present TD gave me. Some cheap, nasty lingerie. Lingerie. I mean, that is a terrible present anyway because it’s not really a present for you, is it? It’s for him, and I think it’s a weirdly controlling and creepy move. Like you’re telling someone what to wear and how to be sexy for you. But, to make matters ten times worse, the lacy thing he got for me was three sizes too small. The bra wouldn’t have fit around my nipple.

  Dom laughed a lot at the story and promised he would never buy lingerie for a woman he was seeing. But today he doesn’t seem to have a sense of humour about anything, including the TD nonsense.

  ‘Oh, it’s that moron!’ I say, as jovially as I can. Dom looks away, he seems pissed off. So I keep talking. ‘Hey, I know! Let’s send him a picture of us together. That’ll fuck him off and also make him fuck off!’

  Dom looks straight at me, but he’s not smiling. Was that the wrong thing to say? I thought he’d be amused. We’ve joked about winding TD up before. Dom even offered to send him a cock shot. Which I would’ve allowed, had I been any drunker.