Sweet Hope

by Tillie Cole

  The blood drained from my face.

  “Yeah, Axe. The market where the managers had no fucking idea who I was talking about.”

  Austin looked down at Levi. Levi kept his head down, his hands gripping his hair.

  I opened my mouth to explain, but—

  “I couldn’t believe it, Axe, so I went to every market I could find. None of them knew you. None of them. One of them remembered seeing someone of your description. He said he thought he’d seen you hanging around, but you sure as hell weren’t working.”

  Austin clawed at his dark hair, his eyes shining. Meeting my eyes again, he said, “I thought there had to be some mistake. There had to be, because my brother had changed. He’d got out of prison five years early and was doing real good. He was a different guy than the one who used to be Heighter tight.” He pulled in a ragged breath and his face flushed red with his pain.

  I stepped forward. “I—”

  “Then I get home, fucking talking myself out of what I prayed wasn’t true, and I go into your room, hoping you’d be there to explain all this shit. You weren’t, as always. So I started going through your stuff, looking for some reason why you’d lied to me. Lied to all of us for fucking months!”

  Austin reached into the back pocket of his jeans and pulled out the second bag of coke I’d bought after his game. I must have left it in my jeans.

  My stomach fell, and I instantly knew what they were thinking.

  “You’re dealing again, Axe? After everything?” Austin’s face contorted in a mix of both anger and pain. He threw the bag of coke at my feet.

  I struggled to breathe as I stared at it. As I looked up, Austin was staring at me, all anger gone, just crushing disappointment on his face. But I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t get my head around how I’d come here today to tell them about my show. Instead my kid brothers were asking me to explain why I wasn’t at the market, why I had this coke, and of course they immediately thought the worst.

  Austin suddenly pushed my duffel bag to my feet. “I came to see you today to tell you that you’re gonna be an uncle, a Zio, Axe. Lexi’s pregnant. We’ve been trying for two years but because of the damage to her body through her anorexia, they weren’t sure we’d be able to ever have kids. She woke me up this morning to tell me I was gonna be a papa. A fucking papa, Axe. Against the odds, we’re having a baby. It’s a fucking miracle… and the only two people I couldn’t wait to tell were you and Lev.”

  My heart beat faster… Austin was gonna be a papa.

  A fucking thrilled smile pulled on my lips, but Austin didn’t see it, he was too busy glaring at the floor.

  “I can’t have you here no more, Axe. I got more important things than you to consider now.” His dark eyes met mine. “I need you to leave. I can’t have my baby, my wife, dragged into all the dealing and gang shit… my kid’s gotta have a better life than we did… they’ve gotta be safe. We all need to be safe.”

  Levi lifted his head, his eyes bloodshot, his face pale and he rushed up the stairs.

  “Lev… I can exp—”

  Levi immediately stopped on the stairs, but never looked back. “You swore to me you wouldn’t do anything to take you away from us again. I let you in, I opened my heart to you again, and you have to fuck it all up! I let you in, Axe… and now I’ve lost you again…” he snapped and disappeared from sight. Austin turned his back on me and walked up after Levi.

  Feeling real fear run through my veins, I stepped forward and called, “Aust…” but my foot landed on the bag of coke, busting the fucking thing open all over the floor.

  Austin, hearing the bag split, sighed and, without looking back, said, “Just leave, Axe. Just fucking leave…”

  My entire body filled with ice at how cold those words sounded coming from his mouth. I looked down at the mess of coke at my feet and felt nothing but shame… shame that I’d had a moment of weakness and bought this coke all those weeks ago.

  But I was so fucking angry they hadn’t heard me out.

  They didn’t even fucking let me speak.

  Turning on my heel, I left my bag of clothes where it was and fucking raced outta the house, my head reeling.

  What the fuck was I thinking in coming back here?

  I was done. So fucking done with trying to make shit right.

  I drove my Camino fast through the falling rain—a perfect fucking reflection of my mood—and headed for my studio. In my rush to tell Austin and Levi about my art, I’d brought nothing with me, not even my damn wallet or cell. I was getting them and then getting the fuck outta Seattle. And I wanted Ally to come with me. Just her, me, and the fucking road.

  Letting the heavy metal music from my stereo fuel my rising anger, I didn’t realize for a good few miles that the black car was tailing me. Frowning, my suspicion back, I turned down random streets just to see if it would follow—this time it did.

  Feeling my pulse spike, I narrowed my eyes and picked up speed. The car followed, its bumper almost rear ending me.

  “Fuck,” I hissed under my breath. There was only one fucker I knew would be after me like this: Remo.

  SHIT!

  I pulled my car to a stop on a quiet road, a pit in my stomach as I realized this was it. He was here for my blood. The heavy rain bounced off my windshield like bullets and I cut the music, eyes glued on my hands.

  I always thought I’d die at the hands of my crew. But what was tearing me apart right now was picturing Ally. I couldn’t even call her to tell her goodbye. FUCK! I’d just gotten my shit together, finally making some fucking headway in my life… and now…

  The sound of a car door opening made me sit up straighter, and for the first time ever, I felt fear. Real fear. Today I had something to lose, the thought of leaving Ally behind, fucking terrified me.

  Wrenching open my car door, I jumped outta the car just in time to see Remo Marino strutting my way. He looked older. Had gained weight, gained lines on his face, but he was still the intimidating fuck he’d always been. My stomach dropped… This fucker had been trailing me for days.

  I stood my ground and watched as Remo’s lips pulled into a smirk. “Fucking, ragazzo!” he said, faking a laugh and smile. “Almost didn’t recognize you with the fucking hippy hair and beard covering your Heighter tattoos on your neck. It’s taken me a few days to make sure the lead I was given wasn’t bullshit.” He waved his hand at me. “And your stidda, Axe? You lost that too?” he nodded in approval, “You done a real good job of hiding yourself from me. Almost had me thinking my intel was wrong. But when I saw Austin and Lev again, I knew for sure it was you.”

  Grinding my teeth at him mentioning my brothers, I spat, “What the fuck are you doing here, Rem?”

  Remo dropped his shit eating grin. “I’m here to pay my family’s debt, ragazzo. You know that… you must have been expecting it. You know the street code: blood for blood.”

  “You’re on the run, Rem, fucking wanted for all kinds of charges, yet you come all the way here for me? The feds will have tracked you crossing state lines. You’ll be going down for life.”

  Remo spread his hands wide. “Already on borrowed time, Axe. Gonna be going down for the rest of my life… what’s one more felony when there’s no chance of release anyway?”

  Remo’s eyes narrowed as he closed in on me. “But you, you got my cousin killed. Your fucking best friend! How could you, ragazzo? Gio fucking loved you.”

  “I was protecting my family,” I said tightly. Remo even nodded his head like he understood.

  “I get it. And now I’m avenging mine.”

  We stared at each other in the rain for what felt like hours, when, suddenly Remo rushed me, his fist connecting with my face, before he tackled me back against my car. Managing to push him away, I hit him back, Remo facing me with blood running down his face. He smiled and my blood ran cold. The bastard was insane.

  Rushing forward, dragging us into the middle of the road, I went to strike the fucker’s face again, when the sound
of a gun going off broke through the night.

  For a second I stood still, just staring at Remo stood before me… then as my eyes traveled down I saw a gun held out in his hand, his gun with its barrel pressed against my stomach. A sudden sharp pain sliced through my stomach stealing my breath, and blood was beginning to soak through my shirt. Remo stepped back, and lifting my hand to my stomach, I pulled it back and saw bright red blood coating my palm. My legs buckled beneath me and I smacked onto the asphalt.

  The sound of sirens wailed distantly in the background as Remo stood above me and spat on my face. My lungs felt like they were in a vacuum as I tried to get up… but I couldn’t move my legs.

  “Blood for blood, Axe,” Remo said again and disappeared from my sight.

  Laying the back of my head flat to the pavement, I stared up at the gray skies, slews of rain drumming on my body. Pictures of Austin and Levi ran through my head and I felt my eyes prick with tears.

  I’d never see them again... never got to tell them one last time how much I fucking loved them both…

  Time seemed to slow and my thoughts drifted back to when we were kids. To a promise I’d made my mamma… I was reliving it like it was yesterday…

  *****

  “Dormi, Dormi, O Bel Bambin…”

  Levi laid in my arms, wrapped in his faded blue blanket, his wide gray eyes staring up at me as I rocked back and forth on the bedroom floor. Quietly, I sang his favorite lullaby, a Christmas song, the one that always calmed him down, the one that helped him drift off and forget this horrible world for a while.

  “Perche piangi, o mio tresor?

  Dolce amor, dolce amor,

  Fa la nanna, o caro figlio,

  Tanto bel, tanto bel,

  Fa la nanna, o caro figlio.”

  As I trailed off the last line, I heard soft breathing and I sighed. Leaning down, I pressed a kiss to my baby brother’s soft forehead.

  He was finally asleep.

  Taking a huge inhale of breath, I leaned back against my bedroom wall and held Levi tightly in my arms. As I glanced down at his sleeping face, I closed my eyes and prayed to God that all this fear would end soon. That Papa would stop coming home drunk, that he’d stop hitting Mamma… and that he’d stop trying to ‘shut up’ Levi because he couldn’t stand his crying.

  Every night I would bring Levi into our cramped room. Every night I would bathe him, feed him, change him and rock him to sleep by singing that lullaby… all so my mamma could stop papa from hurting him when he came slamming through the door, looking for a reason to fight.

  I prayed to God every night that one day Papa would just stop coming home. That he’d leave us alone so we could all live in peace.

  Just as I’d let myself relax some, the sounds of footsteps came running along the narrow hallway, and a second later, Austin ran through the door. His face was flushed red and his dark brown eyes were wide. Every part of me froze and I heard the front door slam closed.

  “He’s back,” Austin said, fighting back his fear. He was only eight, I was eleven, and Levi, barely a few months old. “And he’s real drunk tonight. I watched him swaying down the park road. He was screaming at everyone he saw.”

  My stomach fell and, looking at Levi again, I jumped when I heard my mamma scream from the other room.

  Levi’s eyes snapped open at the noise and his little face screwed up as he began crying in my arms.

  My gaze met Austin who was frozen in the doorway. “Take our fratellino,” I ordered. He ran forward and took Levi from my hands, then slumped down to our tiny shared bed.

  A crash sounded in the TV room and Austin looked up at me, tears filling his eyes too. He looked so helpless that a lump clogged my throat. “He’s gonna hurt her again, isn’t he?” he said in a shaky voice, “then he’s gonna hurt us.”

  Pulling in a deep breath, I said, “He won’t. I swear it.” I pointed at my two younger brothers sitting lost and scared on that bed and I said, “Look after Lev, yeah? Try and keep him quiet.”

  Austin nodded his head as I left the room, pulling the door to a close. My heart beat fast in my chest as the sound of my mamma’s screams came drifting down the hallway.

  I could hear my papa cussing and my mamma begging him to stop. As I reached the end of the hallway, I saw my papa pinning my mamma to the floor, her face bloody as her hands tried to push my papa away.

  Her eyes were closed, but like she could feel me standing here watching, they opened. Her gaze met mine and she slowly shook her head. I knew she wanted me to go away, I knew she wanted me to run and hide. But I couldn’t. He was hurting her, and I knew he’d come after my brothers next. I had to protect them. I had to make him want to hit just me.

  Levi screamed from our bedroom just as Papa kicked Mamma in the stomach. Hearing the cries from the baby, my papa whipped round, his face fierce.

  “That fucking kid!” he slurred, heading toward me.

  He was going for my brothers… I couldn’t let him get to my brothers.

  Stepping forward, my papa saw me and he tried to push me out of the way. “Move!” he snarled. But I didn’t. I looked to my mamma gasping for breath on the floor, her body curled in, I heard my baby brother crying in the bedroom, and heard Austin begging for him to stop.

  Meeting my papa’s dark eyes, trying not to shake, I stepped forward again and watched a slow grin spread on his face. Nothing was said. Nothing was said as he raised his fist and hit me across my face. Nothing was said as he lifted me off the floor and threw me against the wall, my back cracking the thin plaster.

  I tried to block it all out. I focused on my mamma and brothers crying... I focused on my papa using me as a punch bag so he wouldn’t go near them.

  I didn’t know how long it lasted, this beating, but it felt like forever. Eventually Papa’s breathing slowed and his hits became weak and slow. He dropped me to the floor and I could taste blood running down my mouth.

  I lay still praying this was the end of his anger, when the front door opened and slammed shut.

  He’d gone… at least for now.

  “Mio caro,” my mamma croaked and I lifted my head enough to see her pulling herself to her feet. Using my hands, I made myself stand and moved across the small room to help her walk.

  “Help me to my room, mio caro,” she said on a whisper and, wrapping my arm around her waist, I helped her into her bedroom and into her bed.

  I went into the bathroom and wet a cloth, bringing it back to wipe the blood off her face.

  As I cleaned up her swollen lip, my mamma’s shaking hand lifted to run down my face. I flinched as her fingertips touched a cut on my cheek and tears fell down her cheeks.

  “I’m so sorry, mio caro,” she said painfully but I shook my head.

  “It’s okay, Mamma, I’m not hurt.”

  A sad smile pulled on her lips and her fingers ran through my hair. “Such a brave boy. You are hurt, yet you show no fear or pain.”

  I pulled the cloth away from her lip so she wouldn’t feel my hands shake. I didn’t her want to know I was scared… that my face hurt. “I’m not hurt, mamma. I swear it.”

  Mamma silently watched me and, all the time she cried I tried to not to cry too. I knew if I did it would break her heart, and I didn’t want to break her heart… she was already sad enough.

  I only ever wanted to make her smile again.

  I missed her smile.

  “There, Mamma, you’re all clean now,” I said and Mamma lay back on her bed, holding her bruised stomach, but her sad eyes never left mine. I turned to go wash up in the bathroom when she reached out and grabbed my arm.

  As I looked back, she said, “Axel, mio caro, you don’t always have to be so tough, so strong.”

  Looking at my mamma broken on the bed, I said, “But I do. I have to protect you all from Papa no matter what.”

  Mamma quietly gasped. “That is not your job, mio caro.”

  I didn’t say anything and the trailer went silent. But then I heard Austin
quietly singing Mamma’s favorite lullaby to Levi and I nodded my head. “Si, Mamma. This is my job. I need to look after you all, and I promise I always will… I’ll never let anyone hurt you or my brothers ever again. I will always keep you safe…”

  *****

  Thick tears fell down my cheeks, mixing with the cold rain as that memory played in my mind.

  I will always keep you safe…

  As I pictured Axel and Levi, I suddenly felt at peace. With me gone, they’d be safe. There’d be no more ties to our past. With me gone Austin’s new family would be safe and Levi wouldn’t be in any more pain.

  I will always keep you safe…

  I smiled as the rain fell harder. I’d finally done it. They’d finally be safe.

  Closing my eyes, numbness taking hold, I saw Ally with her chin on her fist, her hair pushed to one side as she smiled down at me on the bed. I fucking thanked God in that second that I’d had her… that I’d had her, even if it was only for a short while. At least I got to feel what that kind of love was like, even if it was just a brief moment of time.

  I tried to hold on to the picture of Ally’s face, until I couldn’t hold on to Ally’s picture no more… until everything faded to nothing.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Ally

  “You haven’t seen him either, Vin?”

  “Not since yesterday,” he replied.

  “Okay, thanks,” I said and ended the call. As I stared at the floor, a peculiar feeling turned in my stomach.

  I’d waited at Axel’s studio for hours, but he didn’t show. I’d tried his cell, but the battery must have died. Vin hadn’t seen him, so I assumed he was at Austin’s house.

  A whisper of a smile spread on my lips as I thought of how nervous Axel was about telling his brothers about his show, his art… what he’d been doing for years. In my purse I had their invites for the opening tomorrow night, one for Austin, Levi and Lexi. They had to be there. I still wasn’t sure if Axel would make an appearance. I’d guessed not, he was still against people knowing who he was, but his family should see his work… after all, they were the source of his inspiration.